Karl TV

So “Chuck” is renewed, but “Terminator” and “Reaper” are canceled. It’s upfronts time for the major networks, always a bittersweet time of year. Every day this week, my heart will probably be broken over another cancellation. But what are you going to do? I mean, short of assassinate television executives who don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.

When I was a kid, shows were given a chance to find an audience. You didn’t yank shit off the air after only one or two episodes. If a show sucked, it sucked for a full season. And they left the schedule alone, too…no shuffling shows around willy nilly, moving them from Monday to Thursday, from Tuesday to Friday. You scheduled a show and it STUCK there all season. That, ladies and gentlemen, is what you call giving a show a chance to breathe, letting it find and build an audience.

Not any more. Getting involved with a new show nowadays is fraught with peril. What if I get invested and it’s a really good show but doesn’t get phenomenal ratings within 5 seconds of airing? They’ll cancel it after three episodes and another little piece of me shall die.

And am I the only one who shivers involuntarily at the sound of a beloved show being moved to the Friday Death Slot? Friday shows often fly straight down the TV crapper, no matter how good they are. OK, Ghost Whisperer and Numbers aside. I’ve lost many Friday shows and, for a while, vowed never to get invested in any new Friday show. The Fugitive, Freakylinks, Joan of Arcadia, Lone Gunmen, I could go on and on. Yeah, I’ve been burned, baby.

If I were a TV executive, I’d have the most kick-ass lineup on television. I can spot a piece of shit from planets away, and I also have a good eye for quality TV. I sure as hell wouldn’t be canceling great shows like Terminator or Pushing Daisies or Reaper or even Eli Stone (which I only saw half an episode of), only to make way for more crappy reality dancing/talent/rose-ceremony/Wipeout shows.

No more living and breathing by the weekly Nielsen ratings. Fuck the ratings. America knows what good TV is, what great storytelling is, what fantastic dialogue is. We stick with the shows we like – we’re loyal and we appreciate when networks appreciate our loyalty.

So I’d set up a great TV schedule for my network. Sure, there’d be quality stuff like Lost and Castle and Bones and Leverage, but I’d also bring back amazing shows such as Quantum Leap (which had the worst last episode in series television, ever) and The Greatest American Hero (where original hero William Katt teaches his son how to be a hero) and Highlander (because, really, what better things does Adrian Paul have to do?).

There’d be some reality TV, but it’d be GOOD reality TV…stuff like Deadliest Catch, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Ninja Warrior, Miami Ink, Marlin Fucking Perkins, and maybe a new show where ordinary citizens become hitmen and chase after Dane Cook for cash and prizes.

And there will be NO political press conferences interfering with prime time programming, either. If Barack Obama wants to speak publicly to the masses, he can schedule those press conferences for 6:30 PM, when the nightly fucking news is on. Or at noon. Or go on C-SPAN. People want to watch, they can turn on CNN or MSNBC or some such shit. The Prez will no longer preempt How I Met Your Mother or 24 or Deal Or No Deal. OK, he can do whatever the hell he wants with Deal Or No Deal because that’s the most retarded “game show” out there. Picking a number between 1 and 26 is NOT an hour-long show, idiots. How about Howie Mandel hosting a new show, like “Meat Thaw Marathon”?

Once I’d gotten my schedule together and presented it in Upfronts Week to the advertisers, I’d drop the next bombshell. I’d be up there on stage, looking quite dapper in my “FUCK THE RATINGS!” t-shirt and jeans, and I’d say:

“So, as you can see, next season on KARL-TV is looking magnificent! We’re very excited to have Scott Bakula and Dean Stockwell back for Quantum Leap because the very notion that Sam never returns home is just ludicrous. Now, let’s talk advertising.

“KARL-TV is innovating yet again with a new commercial strategy. Instead of the standard 23 minutes of commercials in every broadcast hour, KARL-TV will show only FIVE minutes of commercials in every hour! This is not only going to please the viewers – who really don’t watch the ads out there now, thanks to Tivo and DVRs – but it’s going to benefit the companies, as well.

“Fewer ads means increased viewership and loyalty, AND it means your commercial message will get noticed since it’s not surrounded by OTHER messages. Having only 2-1/2 minutes of ads every 30 minutes makes the advertising real estate far more valuable.”

In other words, fewer ads, but I’ll charge more per ad. It’s a win-win, especially for KARL-TV.

Are you with me? Or are you looking to get heartbroken again and again, thanks to the current network morons in control of your viewing pleasure?