“That’s an amusing video,” said my therapist today.
“Thanks. My sister didn’t think so.”
“Well, can you blame her?”
“A little. It’s pretty funny, if I do say so myself.”
“You said shiva over her.”
“Over our relationship, actually. But yeah, that’s what made it funny. Plus, the tombstone.”
“You came up with the captions?”
I nodded. “I came up with the whole thing. It’s amazing what you can do when you’re manic. And pissed off. And inside my head.”
“You have a lot of these videos?” he asked.
“If we met for an hour, once a week, I could keep us busy for months with nothing but my videos. But I don’t know if you’d like them all.”
“You’re very funny.”
“Don’t act so surprised.”
“I’d like you to make more.”
“More funeral videos?” I said. “That seems a tad excessive. I’m already on the outs with half my family.”
“More videos…period. It’ll help break you out of your shell.”
“But you don’t get it. Videos are rather easy for me. It wouldn’t help with my ‘shell’ or being shy or whatever. I just pretend I’m talking to a friend when I make them.”
“It’s an expression of you. I think that’s important.”
“It’s silly comedy bullshit, is what it is.”
“I think it’s more than that,” he said.
“So part of my assignment for next time is to make another video? Which, by the way, I’d likely be doing, anyway?”
“Yes. Also, getting you out of the house more. We’ll also explore the idea of possibly finding you a girlfriend.”
“Now we’re getting somewhere,” I said. “The Matrix Therapist never helped get me a girlfriend!”
“Who is The Matrix Therapist?”
“Long story.” NOTE TO SELF: I need to come up with a code name for the New Therapist.
He reached in a drawer and pulled something out and handed it to me. “Here,” he said.
“You have any weapons in the house, Karl?”
“No, actually. No, I don’t. Not a one.”
“Well, you can have this, anyway.”
“In case a gun mysteriously materializes in my home?”
“Well, you can either give it away or use it for your gym locker.”
“Does this gut look like I go to the gym?” I ask.
“Heh, you’re very funny.”
“Yes, so you keep saying. I don’t think I need a gun lock. Why don’t you save it for when someone who HAS a gun comes along?”
“I’d feel better if you took it,” he said.
He nodded. “I would.”
“Even though I don’t have a gun and never ever have any INTENTION of getting a gun?”
“Fine. I’ll take it. Though now I feel a little compelled to go buy a gun.”
“Still being funny?”
“Well, I’m trying.”
Thanks to the marvy goddess, Kim, for this meme. Because I know how interested you are in reading random factoids about me.
An old school meme.
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
My grandfathers, yeah.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
This morning, when I looked in the mirror and realized how long it’s been since I had the love of a good hooker. OK, honestly, I don’t even remember. It’s been that long. I have a hard time connecting with tears. I’m more likely to cry while watching a movie than…oh, that’s it! While watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” over Christmas. The ending always make me cry. Not “Beaches” or “Terms of Endearment” or “Field of Dreams” kinda crying, but watery eyes, nonetheless.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Meh, it’s okay. It’s suffered over the years, since writing anything longhand has kinda gone the way of the 8-track tape. If I take my time, it’s passable. If I’m in a hurry, it’s way worse than a doctor’s.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Honey ham. Or roast beef.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
I do. Twins.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I think I’d love to have a friend like me. I’m hysterical, thoughtful, kind, honest, great at conversation, and love to mock people in the mall food court with you.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Only if “a lot” means at every waking moment.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
No. Bastards stole them when I was three. They promised me ice cream. I didn’t have a chance in Hell.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
10 years ago, yes. Now, no. I’ve been skydiving. I love roller coasters. But I’m not jumping off a bridge with nothing but an umbilical cord strapped to me. If I want to live dangerously, I’ll wear a chocolate jumpsuit into a room of PMS’ing ladies.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Fruity Pebbles from 10 years ago, before we started all this health conscious “1/3 Less Sugar” bullshit. They taste weird now. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
I live in flip flops, so yeah, totally.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Physically? No. Mentally? Yes. I’ve survived a lot, including the first 42 years as a Republican.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Rocky Road or Mint Chocolate Chip.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Online, their wit and intelligence. Offline, their eyes and mouth.
15. RED OR PINK?
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My occasional inability to hold my tongue, and the air of existential despair that often envelops me.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My Grandma. Every time I have a cherry Coke – well, a Cherry Coke Zero these days (thanks, diabetes!) – I think of her. She used to make REAL cherry Coke. She’d put the Coca Cola in a little glass, then put two maraschino cherries in the bottom of the glass. But THEN came the pièce de résistance: she took two spoonfuls of the juice from the jar of maraschino cherries and put it into the glass, gave it a quick stir, and OMG.
18. WHAT IS THE TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST?
My Kama Sutra. Want to help me hone it?
19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Chocolate brown slippers. It’s chilly tonight. 61 degrees outside. Brr!
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A hot fudge sundae with cookies & cream ice cream. Yes, diabetes yadda yadda yadda. But once in a while, you have to live a little.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
“Anchorman.” Long live Ron Burgundy.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
24. HOW IMPORTANT ARE YOUR POLITICAL VIEWS TO YOU?
More now than they were 10 years ago, but I don’t enjoy politics, really. They’re rather pedantic and bring out the very worst in people. I stay informed because to remain uninformed is scary crazy. I rarely discuss politics in person. On Facebook, however, that’s a whole other story.
25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
Mountain hideaway. With a lake view. And full 4G connectivity with lightning fast wifi.
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Lingerie football. Really, I hate sports. Except for the Olympics. I do enjoy watching those.
27 . HAIR COLOR?
28. EYE COLOR?
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
That would involve touching my eyeballs, so fuck no. I wear spectacles, and have since I was 18 months old. Literally. And I literally mean literally.
30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Italian. Thai. Burgers.
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
That’s a toughie. I like both. If I’m by myself? Happy ending. If I’m with someone – particularly a pretty girl who gets so scared she is almost wearing the same clothes I’m wearing – then scary.
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Damn, I don’t even know. I think the last flick I saw in a theater was Prometheus. Or maybe Last Exotic Marigold Hotel. I know, there are TONS out there I need to see.
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Navy blue. It’s a NanoWrimo shirt, if you want to know.
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
I live in Florida, so winter. Summers in Florida make Satan long for Hell.
35. FAVORITE DESSERT?
36. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
What, is that like dubstep or something? I don’t know what that is.
37. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
Yes, please. I’m pretty much perpetually in my recliner with my laptop while the TV is on. I have ADD. Multitasking is a must.
38. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
I’m not. I haven’t read a book in quite a while. Just can’t seem to focus long enough. Did I mention I have ADD?
39. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Thanks to Kim’s advice, I went with a magic trackpad and I haven’t looked back. Even when I had my OLD laptop and still used a mouse, I didn’t have a mousepad. Optical, baby, it’s the only way to fly.
40. FAVORITE SOUND?
Toss-up between the laughter of a baby and the sound of someone spitting a drink through their nose as a result of something I said.
41. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?
I’m pretty eclectic in my music taste. But I always go back to the 80′s and 90′s. If I had to be tied to a specific genre, I’d likely say rock.
42. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
England? Or Holland? I am geographically-challenged. I don’t know which is the greater distance and I’m too lazy to Google it.
43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
The ladies seem to think so.
OK, I can move either of my eyes independently of the other, Marty Feldman style. If you don’t know who Marty Feldman is, you can Google that shit, too.
44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
The Hamptons, Long Island. The “g” is hard, by the way.
45. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
In a little tiny town in Florida, where there are literally more cattle than humans. I think I’m the only liberal in the county. There is a redneck death fatwa placed on my head, I’m sure, so I can’t be more specific about my location.
46. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
47. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?
Dark blue. And rust.
48. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 48 QUESTIONS?
It was an entertaining way to pass a half hour, and also helps me post something on my blog, even if it is cheating.
Well, consider this a late Christmas present to all of you. The 5 or 6 subscribers I still have left, anyway. After retrieving the videos from my old laptop's external drive, and then converting them all for use on my new Mac, and then watching over an hour's worth of footage, I cut it all down ...
Top 10 List of Resolutions Karl is Not Making for 2013 10. I will stop repeating myself. I will also stop repeating myself. 9. I will stop singing karaoke. 8. I will stop being so damn handsome and made up of raw sexual energy and pheromones, so that women will stop tearing their clothes off whenever they're within two ...