So I Went to This Sex Party the Other Night

NOTE: It’s Freaky Frakkin’ Friday again, where I randomly chat people up that are on my blog. I won’t be able to commit my entire day to it, since I’m driving up to Orlando to hang with Britt, Adam, and Becky tonight. But there WILL be prizes. I’ll be randomly selecting someone to win a 2HT mug since I didn’t get to give one out last week.

If I chat you up while you’re on 2HT, and you respond to me, and you’re one of the winners, I’ll give you a secret code word and my email address. Then you just email me with your name, snail mail address, and the code word, and that’s it! You win.

When my friend Mindy invited me to a sex party the other night, she barely got the words “pleasure party” out of her mouth before I said, “I’m there.”

And I’m so very glad I went. It was actually a sex TOY party, complete with lotions and potions and cock rings and vibrators and silicon headless women that you can, well, have carnal relations with.

There were perhaps 12 of us there, men and women. Some couples, some singles. Had a blast.

It started out with a game called Sex Bingo. We each came up with a phrase that we’d say before sex, or during sex, or after sex, and we wrote that on the back of a slip of  paper. Then we turned the slips in, and mixed them all up and passed them back out. We then picked 6 numbers between 1 and 30 and wrote those on our new slip.

The hostess then pulled numbered slips out of a baggie and read them out. If she called one of your numbers, you crossed it off and said aloud what phrase was written on your paper. Mine was “that was good.” The slip that *I* wrote, though, said: “I’m surprised I was invited but even more shocked that I came.” Yeah, sometimes I can be funny.

There were many laughs during this game – and throughout the evening – and I ultimately won the Sex Bingo. So I got a booby pencil eraser, which is a little rubber pair of tits. AND I got a cock ring. I’ve never used a cock ring in my life and frankly had no idea what the hell they were for. Once I said that the ring was far too small for the likes of ME (you’ve got to put that stuff out there because you never know), I was told that it stretches around your guggenheimer and is used to prolong erections. Whatever. I don’t really have much use for it. But still, I gladly collected my winnings.

There was a lot of sampling going on with the lotions and potions. Flavored massage oils and lubes, many of which was applied to our hands or wrists with a Q-Tip so we could taste it or smell it or whatever. And some of it tasted very yummy indeed. The hostess gave out lots of information about the products as she applied some of them to our arms. For example, “You want to be sure that you clean off the lotion before penetration because it has sugar in it and that can lead to infections.” You know, down THERE.

So I asked, “Do they come in sugar-free?” People laughed, but I was serious. I’m diabetic. I need to know these things. I think there would be a huge demand for sugar-free sex lotions. But no, she said there’s no sugar-free versions.

There was another cream – and I swear I’m not kidding about this – that is applied to the clitoris. It stimulates the clit and makes it tingle and bring all sorts of pleasure for the lady. And it comes in various strengths: easily stimulated, medium stimulated, and difficult-to-stimulate clitorally. Then she put a dab of this stuff on several of the women’s fingers so they could go off to the bathroom and APPLY this stuff to their love buttons. I shit you not.

And the ladies were all rather forthcoming in their reports of the stuff, saying it was pretty freaking amazing. Kind of like a menthol tingly sensation, but not in your mouth. And I’m here to tell you that the amazing clit cream works for approximately 45 minutes. Just so you know.

Here is the silicon headless chick that you’re supposed to put on your bed (or wherever) and have your way with. Definitely a guy thing, but it’s kind of strange because the headless chick has a really tiny little body (except for her vajingle and her butthole, which we all got a chance to feel). It’s quite heavy because it’s silicon so there won’t be any sliding around on the bed (or wherever). And there’s a little hole in her back near her Promised Land where you can insert a little bullet vibrator for even MORE pleasure. I don’t know how much she costs. I just wouldn’t feel right about it. I like my chicks with heads.

Oh, and there’s the headless chick, hanging onto some guy’s finger with her vajingle.

These are cock rings. They’re jelly-like and fully stretchable. The hostess proved it by stretching one over Frank, which is the name she gave to the giant purple double-ended bendable dildo. Frank easily fit inside the cock ring. I won one of these things.

There’s the entire table of goods she brought. On the front right of that table you can see a plastic heart. Pretty cool, actually. There’s this red gel inside the plastic heart. It’s used for massage or for comforting sore necks or shoulders…whatever. You “pop” this metal disc inside the gel and it instantly begins to crystalize and becomes warm (to a temp of 129 degrees Fahrenheit) and you use it to rub on the body somewhere, usually with massage oil. Very nice.

And it’s reusuable. The heat lasts for about an hour and then you can put the plastic heart into a pan, put some water in the pan and boil it for seven minutes. You take it out of the pot and place it on the counter for a while, where it cools down and becomes gel again. Then you can “pop” the metal disc again and repeat the process. Very cool.

Many vibrators were passed around the room, one of which had (I shit you not) a REMOTE CONTROL! The remote looks like a cell phone and has a pretty extensive range. So you could (as a woman) have the vibrator portion down your panties and your boyfriend or girlfriend could remotely activate it while you’re walking or in the grocery store or wherever. Amazing.

I learned a lot in the course of a few hours. Most of all, I reaffirmed how important it is to COMMUNICATE with your partner. A lot of questions were asked (many by the men) about whether women like this or that, and the answer was generally the same. Different people like different things. Some like nipple play, for example, and some don’t. Some like things a little “rougher” and some don’t. The only way you’re going to KNOW for sure is by asking her what she likes and what she doesn’t like.

Communication. I’m a firm believer in it.

A vibrator.

So basically, it was like a Tupperware party but with sex toys. It was the best Tupperware party I’ve ever been to.

And yeah, I bought some stuff. Any ladies want to try some of this stuff out? I’m generous that way.