Happy Birthday to the gorgeous Monty. This one’s for you, babe.

If you can’t see the video here, then click this link.

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Sometimes you just need to shake the dust off your feet, strip down, and dance.

Link to video if you can’t see it embedded above.

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So Friday night I went to Tampa for a “girls’ night out.” I’ve been an honorary girl for a while now, between my three visits to BlogHer and my dressing up as a woman on several occasions, this is a privilege I’ve earned. I missed last month’s girls’ night due to the dentist shanghaiing all my money, but this time I was prepared.

I plugged the hotel coordinates into my trusty GPS and set off on a 2-hour drive to the land of Ybor. Ybor City is a small section of Tampa, kind of like a strip of bars, clubs, and restaurants. Hadn’t been there before, but I knew with friends like Izzy, Shash, and Anissa I couldn’t go wrong.

Look at those lovely ladies.

First I met up with Anissa and Shash at a local bar and grille. Enjoyed some onion rings and a beer, then went to Urban Outfitters, where I bought myself a cool chapeau.

Then the three of us went back to the hotel to meet up with the gorgeousness known as Izzy. We hung in the room for a little while, oohing and ahhing over Izzy’s camera (which she could intermittently figure out how to work).

Then we had an impromptu fashion show. Actually, what I said was, “OK, let’s get those three gorgeous asses together.” And whaddya know? They took me literally. I really meant I just wanted to take a picture of the three of them, but hey, I don’t turn down prime ass photos.

So the four of us went to dinner and had a lovely meal at some bar and grille. Then we went to go see “Twilight.”

I was pretty excited to see the movie, since I’m currently in the middle of the fourth book and have enjoyed the series. Anissa did a great job reviewing the movie on her blog, but let me just say this.

Twilight sucks rocks. I’ve heard all of these good reviews and all those people are full of shit. It’s not a good movie. At all. Seriously, if I’d seen the movie first and hadn’t yet read the books, I wouldn’t even bother reading the series. It’s that bad.

The acting is laughable. The makeup is pitiful. And - SPOILER ALERT -

One part I was really waiting for was to see Edward in the sunshine because, in the books, vampires sparkle like diamonds in the sunlight. That’s where the myth came from that vampires can only exist in the darkness.

Well, let me tell you…the special effects they used for the “sparkling” - if you can call them special effects - look like nothing more than Edward sweating his ass off. The glistening looked like little more than sparkle makeup that a 13-year-old girl might wear. Again, laughable.

And the chemistry between Bella and Edward? Non-existent. You expect them to speed things along in a movie, as opposed to a 500-page book, but it’s like they were in love 10 minutes after meeting. You sensed none of the confusion or angst, there’s absolutely no character development, and even when they ARE in love, you don’t feel it.

Edward isn’t the slightest bit cool or charismatic like you’d expect him to be. He’s not even all that good-looking…I mean, when you go by the book, he’s supposed to be the most gorgeous man on the planet. This guy just looks like some enormous Emo asshole. He’s always sulking. He has none of the humor Edward is supposed to have.

Blecch. The movie just rots. Nobody, save Bella, looks like how I imagined them to be in the book. The hair dye in some of the Cullen family is a joke. Bella’s dad was pretty good, and there are some cool scenes, such as the baseball scene. But overall? A pitifully bad film. And all four of us agree on that.

I have no idea how Anissa worked herself up to see this piece of shit a second time. Even with the full bar in the theater, it blew chunks. I wouldn’t have chosen to suffer with anyone else, though, so making fun of the movie together (during and afterwards) was enjoyable. Maybe if I’d been stoned it would have been an amazing flick.

If you haven’t yet seen Twilight - whether or not you’ve read the books - do NOT bother. Honestly. It’s not even good enough to be labeled melodrama.

After the movie, we all walked and bitched our way back to the hotel room to change for our drunken night of fun. The ladies all looked smokin’ and I - who can no longer fit in any of my jeans - wore a pair of Dockers and a long-sleeved shirt. It’s been chilly in Florida lately.

Then we meandered down 7th Street, hitting a few bars, including Coyote Ugly, where the girls dance on the bar. A couple of them were pretty hot, but most of the patrons who got up there weren’t really dancing very much. They were kind of just standing there, twisting their hips.

We hit a few bars, one of which had karaoke. I amazed the girls with my mad singing skillz - *cough* - and sang a few songs, one of them with Anissa…”Paradise By the Dashboard Lights.”

The girls got a few pictures of me singing. Hopefully, no video. We did lots of shots and drinking, then went out for a slice of pizza. Izzy was pouty because she wanted so badly to dance her booty. So after the pizza, where she visually accosted our waiter and asked him to take his shirt off, we went outside. Shari was getting run-down with her sinus troubles, so she and Anissa went back to the room.

I hung around, walking the street with Izzy, looking for a place for her to get her groove on. In the end, it got too chilly and we didn’t feel like paying $10 to go somewhere for barely 30 minutes before it shut down. Went back to the room and goofed around a while.

I decided to take a photo of Anissa. Well, that’s what she thought I was doing. Instead, I was really shooting video.

Yeah, I can be very easily amused.

Believe it or not, Twilight is worse than this. Much.

Had a great time with the girls. We went to bed, got up way too early, three of us went down for coffee and continental breakfast, then it was back upstairs to pack and part ways.

So that’s how I slept with three hot women and got no sex. And I’d do it again in a heartbeat. You can see all the photos on my Flickr.

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