Sex and The Modern Girl
It took me forever to figure out what to write as a guest for Karl’s blog. It takes me forever to figure out what to write on my own, so this pretty much took me all summer. I asked Karl for help and he left me with the advice, “write something you wouldn’t write on your own blog.”
Cool, thanks, ‘preciate that, really.
Since my parents read my blog and are a little straight laced, I’m going to go ahead and write about sex or at least sexcapades. Just so you know, these aren’t sexcapades involving my husband Whit, because he of course rocks in the sack and a lady doesn’t kiss and tell. Oh wait, did I just tell?
One of the funniest sex experiences I had as a dating girl, you know back in the day, goes as follows.
I was “dating” this guy Eric at the time and he was really good in the bed. He really cared about a girl’s sexual experience. He was a player and it wouldn’t do his reputation any good to just get it and hit it. No one wants to be known as a two-pump chump.
We were at my house and we’re in the middle of foreplay, yes, that’s right foreplay, and I can hardly think because he’s got me so riled up.
Then in the middle of all the goodness he stops and says to me, “recite me a poem”.
Me: Huh wha… I’m sorry, what?
E: You heard me. Recite me a poem and I’ll go down on you.
Me: A poem?
E: Yep.
Now all I could think of at this moment was “love” poems, and I was not going to recite a love poem to a player. There was no way in hell I was going to wax poetic about cream white rosebuds or violets. So what did I say? So you all remember the movie “The Princess Bride”. Yep that’s what I thought of. (all of this in about .25 seconds flat)
Me: Stop it, I mean it, Anybody want a peanut?
E: Okay, I guess that’s good enough
Deed was done! Woo hoo!
The second sexcapade wasn’t nearly as much fun.
This concerned my ex-husband, Steve. We were dating, and it was pretty close to the beginning of our relationship. I decided he needed a blow job. I did say it was at the beginning of our relationship.
So there we are, him on the couch, me on my knees, and it was at the happy ending that things turned sour.
You know when you go to wash your hair in the shower or even put on lotion and maybe you haven’t used it in a few days and it starts to get that thick ball of stuff on the opening and you have to take it off to get anything out.
Yeah, that was in my mouth, only it wasn’t shampoo or lotion. Suffice it to say I didn’t swallow. There I was, trying to be polite, trying to think of the quickest way to the bathroom to spit it out.
So yeah, now you know me a little better. . .
Filed under Uncategorized | Comments (8)Poor Planning Equals Poor Guest Posts
Hi there!
First off a big thank you to Karl for not making me beg too much for the honor of guest posting asking me to guest post for The Summer of Love Spectacular.
Second off, the answer to the question you’re all asking yourselves right this second. Who the hell am I? Well, in a nutshell, I’m Sheila of the not really infamous blog Charm School Reject. In a not so nutshell, well, okay, we’re not going to turn this into an all about me post because really, in the grand scheme of things, who gives a shit who the hell I am? Yup. My thoughts exactly.
Anyway.
Third off, the thing you are all here to read….my guest post. ::ahem::
Alright so I am sitting here at 10:00 p.m. on Thursday night trying to mush a bunch of words into a somewhat coherent guest post. My original thought was to tell you all about the grand adventures of how Karl managed to snag me a Third Class Ticket into BlogHer and all the fun I had. But then a little lightbulb went off in my head, uh, earlier today and I realized that that would not work out very well because (one) I can’t very well write a post about something when I’ve only experienced the first half of the event ; (two) Karl would totally kick my ass if this post weren’t set to publish at 12:01 a.m. Saturday morning; and, of course, (three) both Karl and I know that the chances of me being sober awake enough to actually type on Friday night when I get home from Day One are slim to none.
After I’m done with this here guest post, I need to finish klassifying my regular business cards into blog cards because, if you can’t tell from the previous post, advanced planning is not my strong suit. You see, I don’t have blog cards because I just decided last week to go to BlogHer so I didn’t have time to order any online and I wasn’t on the ball enough to have some printed by Kinko’s. I’m also really lazy and didn’t want to print the stupid things myself. Which, in hindsight was a big fat fail because handwriting my url onto the back of my regular business cards is a total time suck and makes my hand cramp. Luckily, I don’t have any high aspirations of being the Belle of the Blog so if I hand out five of those cards, I’d be surprised.
I also still have to straighten my insanely ridiculous hair and try and tame it into something presentable because something tells me that showing up with my usual bastard child of a pony tail just ain’t gonna swing it when I meet up with the BlogHer babes.
Anyway.
Since I cannot write about the awesome fun I had at BlogHer because I haven’t actually been there yet and my muse seems to be on a permanent vacation….[have you noticed the lack of regular posting on my own blog?]….I am using this space to write a fortune cookie of sorts.
I am going to go to BlogHer….well, okay, LobbyCon….and I am going to have a kickass time once I make like Ariel and get my Land Legs going. No, seriously, does anyone know where I can find Ursela? I need to get rid of this fin if I’m going to not be a fish out of water. Bonus Points : I have a really strange feeling that people will like me much better if I can’t talk. I have a tendency to be kind of an asshole and I’m really good at shoving both feet into my mouth.
….and they all lived happily ever after.
xoxo
[Okay, so I realize that this kind of turned into being all about me but at least I managed to squeeze Karl's name in there....]
Filed under Guest Post, Uncategorized | Comments (19)9 Podcasts I Listen to Regularly, How About You?
I think I was late getting to the Podcast rally. Now that I have my iPhone/iPod, I’ve been making time for more podcasts in recent months. Thought I’d throw together a listing of some of my fave podcasts, complete with links to iTunes.
Shameless Plug
Clearly, the best podcast you can subscribe to is this little show called SecondHand Radio. Yeah, OK, it’s my show. I have a different guest each week and it’s an hour of fun conversation about anything and everything. The show is customized for each guest and there’s no set topic, but I think it’s entertaining to listen to.
Just last night, I had Karl Erikson as a guest. Not me, another Karl Erikson. Had a ton of fun learning about my better-looking doppleganger. He’s clearly living the life.
Friends You Should Be Listening To
Clearly, You’re Retarded. It’s Miss Britt and Adam Avitable going at it every week. A point/counterpoint type of show, there’s a controversial topic each week and Britt and Adam screech at each other for 60 minutes. Well, Britt does the screeching. Adam just laughs out loud on the inside and says, “Yeah?” a lot while Britt screams, “Are you fucking KIDDING me?!”
Lick! Slam! Suck! – the unofficial TequilaCon podcast. Granted, not everyone is going to TequilaCon, even though they should. But with Santa Fe only a week away, Dawg’s and Poppy’s podcast is a great way to get yourself acquainted with NM before you get there. (Sorry, can’t find the iTunes link, but the link above will get you to the Talkshoe page for the show.)
Podcasts I Listen to Regularly
This Week in Tech (TWiT). Full of weekly geeky goodness. All the tech/gadget news you can handle with Leo Laporte and weekly guests. Great show.
Today in iPhone. It is what the title indicates, only important if you have an iPhone. Lots of good information, including weekly app reviews.
Wordpress Weekly. More geeky goodness. Wordpress users only need apply.
The Official LOST Podcast. The creators/producers of “Lost” get together for regular podcasts during the viewing season. Some are just a few minutes long, some are half an hour. Most contain Q&A from fans. I love this show.
Stuff You Should Know. Totally off the wall at times, this is the podcast from the site HowStuffWorks.com. This show presents a different topic each time, some of them quite eclectic. Some recent titles include:
- Do Toads Cause Warts?
- Bizarre Ways to Die.
- How Aphrodisiacs Work.
- How Money Laundering Works.
The Adam Carolla Podcast. Funny, funny guy with great guests. This is a 5-day-a-week podcast and I can’t possibly listen to them all, but when I do, I always enjoy it. Recent guests include Family Guy’s Seth MacFarlane, Larry Miller, Kevin Nealon, and Danica Patrick.
How About You?
What podcasts are in your subscription list? Love to hear from you.
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