That’s Me in the Corner
I’m slacking. I feel it. Losing my momentum is not a feeling I like. The mania has subsided. My brain is much calmer (and dumber), though that’s relative. It’s still busier than most people’s, I get that. But compared to the manic shit? It’s like my brain finally said no to steroids or something.
Tomorrow I have my first real session with the new shrink, via videoconference. Amazing the V.A. even knows such technology exists, but I’m not bitching. If it weren’t for the video thing, I’d have to drive 90 minutes to meet up with her.
I’m not slamming the V.A. in any way. I’ve heard horror stories, but to be fair, I’ve not experienced many problems with the care I’ve received. And I’m very thankful for that. I don’t have regular health care. The jobs I’ve had of late are contracting positions. No bennies provided. Sure, once upon a time, when I got $43/hour for my time, I could afford it. But not now.
I’m already impressed with this new shrink of mine. She called me a few weeks ago, unsolicited, just to check on me and my meds. On a Friday. At 5:15 in the afternoon. That speaks volumes to me.
So we’ll be discussing meds, mostly that the current regime isn’t doing shit. We stepped up the Geodon. I’m now taking twice as much as I was a few weeks ago and…nothing. That’s the bitch with being treatment-resistant. Lots of meds don’t touch me, then there are those that require a much higher dose than what others find effective.
The trial-and-error associated with medication is exhausting and nerve-wracking. I’m far from the most patient man on Earth, and adjusting meds (and trying new ones) pretty much requires patience, and lots of it. That’s how it is, particularly with the meds designed to hit your brain instead of just your body. They take WEEKS to build up efficacy in the body. And if they don’t work, many of them take weeks to get OUT of your body, which is sometimes needed before adding something NEW.
For me, I’ve pretty much always required a Magic Cocktail, a mix of different meds. I wish like hell that there was a pill that did it all, but there’s not. My chemistry is different than yours, which is different than everyone else’s. So, yeah, trial-and-error. With all the technology we have today, that’s still the way it works. I long for the days of Star Trek, when they scan you with a Tricorder and have you fixed up with a simple shot.
I read an interesting article last month about a pretty major discovery regarding Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (and yeah, I’ve got that, too). They’ve found a way to definitively diagnose PTSD using pictures of the brain. Remarkable, since the only way to diagnose before was through a series of questionnaires and a laundry list of symptomology.
Unfortunately, this discovery probably won’t lead to helping ME…not for a long time. Not until they can point to a brain scan and say, “Ah, see that squiggle there in Karl’s hippocampus? We need to give him Miracle Drug Alpha for that.” Until they know how to correspond the brain pics with specific forms of treatment? Not gonna do much for me. But it’s hopeful for future PTSD’ers, and I’ll take that.
I started out talking about me losing momentum, and that’s really what I’m feeling right now. A lot of hopelessness, lack of motivation, simply losing my give-a-shit attitude. Depression. An overwhelming sense of, well, being overwhelmed. Yes, I’m still checking my sugar and taking my meds, but I really don’t care about it.
I knew this was going to come, the return to the old me. Trying to find some shrivel of happiness in this mode is daunting, at the very least. I can’t survive in full-blown mania all the time – I’d die from sheer exhaustion, from insanity. But I wish I had a way to harness the motivation, the good attitude, the Happy.
Think I’m treatment-resistant in the attitude department, too.
For now, I’ll just take what little pieces of enjoyment I can get. I like the winter Olympics (tons more than the summer Olympics), even though I’m not a sports guy. I never watch baseball, or football, or basketball, or hockey. None of it. That shit bores me to tears. But the Olympics has something for everyone. Plus, it’s only two weeks long. I’m in, I’m out, I’m done for another 4 years. My fave events, by the way, are figure skating, snowboarding, and the skiing…none of which I’ve ever tried.
I also found some meditation podcasts, thanks to Angel. A friend has offered to help me with meditation – something I’ve never tried before – and I plan to take her up on that offer. But the podcast I listened to yesterday really helped to calm me down. I like that. I say I’ve never tried meditation, but the truth is I’ve probably achieved that “nothingness” mindset on my own many times. I may be wrong, but all the dissociating I’ve done in my life kind of mirrors that calming void sensation in meditation. I suppose there are positives to being a Survivor, after all.
I’m gearing up for 2HT’s redesign, and I am excited about that. Should be happening within the next month or so. My original launch date was going to be April Fool’s Day (seems appropriate), which also happens to be both my Mom’s AND my twin daughters’ birthdays. But it’s going to be sooner than that. Can’t wait to see it all come together.
I’d really like a dog. I think that’d do wonders for me. Mom hasn’t been so keen on getting a pet, though. Her rationale has always been, “If you can’t keep your room clean, how are you going to take care of a dog or a cat?” My rationale has always been, “Those two things aren’t even closely related.”
And yes, I’m 43 and live with my mother. I’m also depressed, anxious as Monk, and unemployed. Put me on “The Bachelor” now, ladies. I’m available. *cough*
Like my brain, this post is all over the board. I’m tired of that, too.
Filed under Bipolar, Bloggity Blog, Depression, Diabetes, Inside My Head, Local Goings On, Sports, Therapy | Comments (20)Things Not to Yell Out During a UFC Match
So last night I went to the Blue Lagoon to watch the UFC fights with my bud Mindy. Met some other cool people, too, but let’s face it, I am not a fight fan. I was there for the Guinness and the company.
Sure, I have moments when I want to punch someone in the face (and then run like hell), but it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that we actually pay people to beat the ever-living fuck out of one another.
My new friend, Russ, said, “I’m a pacifist. I could never be the first one to start something.”
Me: “Hell, I hate being the SECOND one.”
On 30-some-odd television screens, these dudes fought violently for hours. The entire time, mobs of people in the bar were shouting and cheering in concert, like it was all some intensely rehearsed choreographed scene.
I tried to fit in, naturally, with a staggeringly low success rate.
Things That Don’t Sound Very Good If You Scream Them Out During a UFC Match
- “Punch him in the upper torso!”
- “Crap, he’s bleeding! Someone stop the fight!”
- “Clearly, these guys are overcompensating for SOMETHING!”
- “Give him a titty twister!”
- “Damn, you guys are hugging an awful lot!”
- “Bite his fucking ear off!”
- “You kick like a girl!”
- “Your tats look like they were done by a blind quadriplegic!”
- “Yo momma stanks so bad there are vultures jerking off on her front porch!” (OK, that one is what I imagined one of them was saying to start the fight. Because really, the way these guys were going at each other? There HAD to have been a Yo Momma in there somewhere.)
- “Why don’t you two just make out already?”
Needless to say, I got a lot of nasty looks when shouting these out. But hey, I tried. What can I say? I’m between testosterone treatments at the moment.
Filed under Sports, Television | Comments (20)Top Nine Olympics Comments
CONTEST DEADLINE is this Friday at midnight. Don’t forget. Go check out this post for details.
I get a lot of jokes sent my way via email. Sure, not nearly as many as I did when I was running my old humor ezine, The Cattle Prod MoosLetter, but I still get my fair share.
The other night while at my mom’s Dynamite Divas weekly gathering, one of my friends passed me an email with some funnies in it. Oh, what are the Dynamite Divas? It’s a group of my mom’s friends that get together every week for dinner. They change the location every week, I guess to keep the CIA guessing. I’m an honorary member because of that time I wore a grass skirt and coconut bra at a friend’s birthday…ah, but you don’t want to hear about that.
I’m trying to get all of my stories done for tomorrow’s FC blog because I have to go to Tampa for a doctor appointment. Yeah, that’s what happens when you get your medical done by the V.A. – you go where you have to go. Since it’s an eye consult, it requires me going to one of the main medical centers, and Tampa is the closest one.
I somehow scratched one of the lenses in my glasses – don’t know how. Anyway, it’s been driving me batty, and it’s time for my annual eye exam, anyway. You know, having diabetes makes you prone to certain problems. So an annual exam on the eyes is more important than for most other people. Blah blah blah. Long story short, I have to drive two hours tomorrow afternoon. I HATE driving.
Then on Wednesday I am driving my mom to Orlando to have a heart catheterization done. Might require me to stay overnight if she needs a stent, but they won’t know until they perform the procedure.
So that’s what’s going on in MY neighborhood. Hope you’re all doing great. I know I’m missing out on a ton of blogs.
Oh, and the joke my friend, Darrel sent me since I’m too lazy to write something else.
Filed under Humor, Local Goings On, Sports | Comments (14)Here are the top nine comments actually made by NBC sports commentators (or participants)during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”
2. Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
4. Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”
5. Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”
6. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”
8. Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”
9. Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them…Oh my God, what have I just said?”
