So I read a lot of news online, mostly via Google News, which is highly customizable. And now, it seems, it’s turning into Gowalla or GetGlue, where you earn badges just for reading the news.

Odd that I read 17 articles about space and it earned me a silver badge, but the same 17 stories about Apple only gets me a bronze. The really weird part is that, because I’ve been reading quite a bit about the nation’s debt crisis, Google News feels I deserve a Republicans badge. I guess it’s all those stories about John Boehner.

And how Lady Gaga wound up in there, I have no idea. I did read some about Amy Winehouse’s death, and Lady Gaga was mentioned in some of those articles, but what the fuck?

Android, too. I haven’t read any Android articles to my knowledge…definitely Apple and iPhone stories. But hey, I’m earning badges, dammit, and that’s got to be cool! Right? *cough*

Speaking of the debt crisis, I wish they’d get their shit together on Capitol Hill. I think all the politicians are out of touch with the American people…particularly the Tea Party, who seem to think the crisis is overstated. This about sums it up, as far as I’m concerned.

This affects all of us. Not being able to pay our military, seniors, and folks like me on disability. But hey, keep on pushing us closer and closer to economic meltdown. What the fuck? Can’t be all that bad, right?

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

So in two days, I go back to Bay Pines VA to see the orthopedic doctor, where I’ll get the results of last week’s MRI. I’ll find out just how fucked up my shoulder is, as well as what my options are. Surgery? Probably. The question is what kind of surgery? Totally open-shoulder or arthroscopic? And what about physical therapy? Will they allow for home therapy, or at least local therapy? How long will I be one-handed? What is the recovery time for such a surgery/injury?

So many questions, all making me more apprehensive than I really need to be, I’m sure. But hey, that’s my middle name, Apprehension.

No worries, only two more days to mull all this over, and then I’ll have answers.

I’m sick and tired of hearing about the Casey Anthony trial. I like to watch the news, whether it be on CNN or MSNBC or whatever…but this morning, every single news station (including Fox News, which I don’t really like) was covering the trial live. As if there’s no other news story to cover!

Michelle Bachman, who scares the ever-loving shit out of me – more so than even Sarah Palin ever did – announced her candidacy for President. There’s one thing, at least, that she has in common with Palin: her ability to stick her foot in her mouth. A favorite amongst Tea Partiers, I can assure you she won’t be getting my vote. Should it come down to that, I mean. Let’s hope a viable candidate pops into the arena. So far, I’m not very happy with any of the people up for grabs.

This has been a hell of a year for natural disasters…earthquakes, tsunamis, tornadoes, floods, and now wildfires, one of which threatens the biggest nuclear weapons lab we’ve got. Yeah, Casey Anthony should totally take precedence over that one. Los Alamos National Lab in New Mexico is closed for a second day, the fire is that close. The town of Los Alamos – over 12,000 people – has been evacuated.

The Supreme Court ruled that kids can buy violent video games. Free speech, and all that jazz. I say they got the ruling right. Not that I advocate kids buying violent games, but come on, let parents do their job. If we banned all violence from kids, they’d never get to see classics like Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner. Or read “The Lord of the Flies.” Or play Cowboys and Indians. Sorry, that’s not very PC. Cowboys and Native Americans. It’s not like the video games aren’t already labeled, just like music is these days. If parents can’t control what their kids are buying, well, they’re not scoring very high in the Greatest Parents of the Year category.

Thankfully, there’s the Internet to turn to for news. Otherwise, we might never hear about protests in Greece, the ongoing nuclear threat in Japan following the tsunami, Libya, the ever-rising national debt…none of it.

I’m kinda news’d out, and that’s when I turn to either something on my DVR or music. A few of the albums I’m listening to right now:

Weird Al – Alpocalypse. I’ve been listening to Weird Al since I was 13 years old. He’s a brilliant parody writer and performer. This album is chock full of weird goodness. From the Doors’ish “Craigslist” to the parody of Lady Gaga, “Perform This Way,” you can’t go wrong if you’re looking for a big dose of silliness. Love the song “Stop Forwarding that Crap to Me,” too. Check out his Lady Gaga parody video. Fantastic.

Matt Nathanson – Modern Love. Yeah, I’m a guy with pop sensibilities, so sue me. I dug his song “Come On Get Higher” a couple years back, and “Modern Love” doesn’t disappoint. Lots of strong tracks here…Modern Love, Room @ the End of the World, and Run to name a few. This is one of my favorite new summer albums. Here’s the first single from the album: “Faster.”

And an album I first heard about from Dave at Blogography:

Matt and Kim, Sidewalks. Another great album with strong grooves. I don’t know what took me so long to download it, Dave and I share a lot of musical tastes. My favorite track is “AM/FM Sound,” but I love the whole collection of songs. Here’s their latest video, “Block After Block:”

There you have it. I’m still a tad miffed that there aren’t any Florida tour dates for The Cars, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

So New York is looking closer and closer toward making gay marriage legal. That’d make New York the 6th and biggest state to say “I do” to gay “I do’s.” It’s about time.

Course, I live in Florida, which is heavily conservative (and led by a brainless governor). Even though it’d be nice for a NATIONAL blessing on gay marriage, I think Florida would pull a Texas and try to secede from the Union should such a thing ever take place.

I don’t see what the problem is. It’s not like people are trying to marry animals, even if many gays are Bears. No one is trying to marry their blowup doll. They simply want to marry the person they love. Just so happens that they’re in love with someone of the same sex.

As a Christian, I used to frown upon gays, thinking (as I was told) that being gay was an abomination against God. Being gay was a CHOICE.

Well, I’m still Christian, but I was enlightened years back, when I met and started hanging out with people that were gay. None of them tried to convert me over to gayhood, though it seems many Christians want to convert gays to heterosexuality. As if such a thing were possible.

I was wrong – being gay is NOT a choice – just as I now think prohibiting gays from getting married is wrong. Perhaps it is a conflict of my Christianity, believing what I do these days, but I don’t think so. Jesus preached love your neighbor as you love yourself. He hung out with all the social pariahs of the time – the tax collectors, the whores, the lawyers – and loved them. Ironic that many people view gays as pariahs nowadays. I just can’t get behind such closed-mindedness.

Gays aren’t trying to destroy the sanctity of marriage; they just want the same rights as everyone else. To live, love, marry, bicker, and divorce…just like straight people. What are we afraid of? Incredibly stylish weddings making all the straight weddings look blah?

Years ago, in more ignorant times, we didn’t allow blacks or women to vote. Hell, we didn’t even let blacks in the same schools as whites. Thankfully, we wised up, reread our Constitution, and realized we were missing the boat.

Well, we’re still missing the boat, but New York is getting closer to closing the gap toward sanity. Making gay marriage legal is the right thing to do. It says that we really DO believe in equal rights for all. Gays should be allowed to marry, have children, and do all the things us straight people do.

Interesting that there are 14 states allowing for medical marijuana, but only 5 that let you get married if you’re gay. I don’t know what that says about our country, besides the fact that most states still have their heads up their collective asses. In my mind, the whole country should legalize pot AND gay marriage.

I know, it’s a pipe dream (heh, see what I did there?). I won’t likely see such things in my lifetime. But I can dream. One day, people will look in their history books and wonder how on Earth we ever banned gays from getting married. Course, by then, we’ll be denying robots their rights. On the plus side, we should finally have flying cars at that point.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

First of all, admire the new digs for SecondHand Tryptophan! Thanks to the lovely Rent a Geek Mom, the design went live last night and I’m really liking it. Hope you do, too. Caitlin did a great job. My bud, Mic, drew the header graphic for me, so a big thanks to him, as well.

If you see anything wonky or notice some weird behavior on the blog, please let me know.

Second, for all my mom friends, hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day yesterday.

"I'd like to say hi to SecondHand Karl and congrats on the new design!"

So I started watching “Live with Regis and Kelly” (sorry, Shannon) this morning, and then President Obama sees the need to preempt everything at 10:00 AM to announce his new Supreme Court nominee. Snore. Why can’t Barack get a clue and start his press conferences at 7:00 AM or noon, when nobody gives a fuck about what else is on TV? Or maybe 6pm, when the news is ALREADY ON?

Sure, this Elena Kagan (whose last name is close enough to Kegel to make me giggle) may be helping shape the very laws of the United States one day. But she’s already irritating me by interrupting my morning TV.

For future reference, major flood or earthquake? Local tornado warning? Plane crash? Mud wrestling in the Senate? Karl winning the lottery? All fantastic reasons to interrupt TV with an announcement. Short of that, fuck off and wait until the noon/evening news. Or hey, how about showing that shit on the channels I expect to see news on, like CNN or MSNBC?

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

First off, there will be NO SECONDHAND RADIO SHOW tomorrow (Thursday). My guest, Danielle, had a last-minute thing come up. This works out well, since I just found out I’ll be in Daytona Beach for a few days, and the Internet situation looks dire. We’ll reschedule Danielle for later this month.

Second, I’m looking for a new web host for my blog. Now that the holidays are over, I can make this happen. But I want a good host, someone that is very Wordpress friendly. I want to be able to automatically update Wordpress and all plugins from WITHIN Wordpress, something I cannot do with Laughing Squid. Suggestions?

I just found out that my 2-year Twittiversary was a couple of days ago. I saw the stats (31,118 tweets, 1,200+ followers, blah blah) and was rather nonplused about it.

I wonder if I’m supposed to celebrate this moment somehow, say something profound? Or is it one of those who-gives-a-fuck things, just as when someone says “It’s my 25,000th tweet!” or “I adopted a lonely black sheep in IdiotFarmerVille on Facebook!”?

Then I thought, even if it were one of those occasions that calls for commemoration with profundity, what on Earth would I have to say that’s even the slightest bit profound?

Then I thought, why, I have a lot to say that’s profound, thank you very much. In fact, I have so much that – were I so inclined – I could break it into a list of categorized profane (what, that’s totally right, right?) bits.

For Children

The toaster is never meant for helping melt butter. Trust me on this.

A towel cape (with clothespin) doesn’t help you fly anywhere above the first floor. Trust me on this, too.

Every time you refuse to eat your vegetables, a kitty dies. Except for lima beans. Nobody really expects you to eat that nasty shit.

For Teenagers

You’re unique. You’re intelligent. You’re going to think you know better than your parents. You’re going to be wrong. A lot.

For Teenage Girls

A boy who doesn’t open your door for you isn’t worth dating.

For Teenage Boys (and Grown-Ass Men)

There’s a lot more to life than ejaculation.

For Parents

Aside from toilet training, manners are the most important thing you can teach your child. Actually, many people will forgive you shitting your pants if you’re polite about it.

For Men

Not everything needs fixing. Sometimes you just need to shut your piehole and listen to her.

For Women

Not every thought needs broadcasting. Sometimes men really ARE thinking about Nothing. We’re not all deep and shit like the women folk.

Household

When someone else loads the dishwasher, don’t bitch. (Out loud.)

Empty toilet paper rolls are great for putting folded power cords in.

Toilet paper always goes OVER.

One-ply toilet paper is what they use in Hell. Just sayin’.

Random

A lot of profound things are apparently about toilet paper.

If the universe is truly infinite, then there’s no end to the stupidity.

Douchebaggery

When a friend is mean and spiteful and mocking someone, it’s just a matter of time before they aim that pruntiness your way.

Everyone has a bad day…even a bad month. That doesn’t mean you need to take it out on other people.

Politics

The only time you should be shocked about what happens in Washington D.C. is when a politician tells the truth and/or truly gives a fuck about you and me.

Marriage

Always treat your spouse like they’re your favorite person on Earth. Because they’re supposed to be.

Gay Marriage

Gay marriage is about as much a threat to the institution of marriage as a platypus. You might say, “What the hell does a platypus have to do with anything?” And I might say, “Exactly.”

Drugs

There are 100,000 alcohol-related vehicular deaths every year in the United States. According to Drug War Facts, there are ZERO marijuana-related vehicular deaths every year. You do the math.

Religion

If I had to sum up the Bible in two words, they would be these: BE NICE.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

Fuck, it’s DECEMBER. The last month of the year. How’d that happen, right?

Worse yet, it’s the Holidays. Fuck me with something hard and sandpapery. Yeah, so not a fan.

When I was a wee lad, the Magic was still there. Months in advance, I’d pour through the Sears Wishbook and make a 1970’s version of an Excel spreadsheet, noting everything I wanted for Christmas. Item name, page number, Stock #, price, color and size (if appropriate). Yeah, I was really thinking of Santa, trying to make it easier for him to fulfill my needs.

What can I say? I’m a giver.

Christmas Eve? Forget it. I couldn’t sleep if you’d slipped gingerbread roofies into my warm milk. Not that I was allowed to have warm milk before bed, mind you (or water, for that matter). I was a bed-wetter. But you catch my drift.

In my early years – both before and just after my parents’ divorce – Christmas morning was all about navigating a very tight path through the myriad of presents carpeting the living room floor. An obscene amount of pressies, really, but I didn’t think so at the time. My parents weren’t rich, but they were doing pretty well.

In my tweens and teens – both in New York, and then New Mexico – it was the opposite. We were poor. Food stamps poor. And when I started working at 16, and subsequently having to hand over the bulk of my paychecks to my parents just so the five of us could eat, I think that’s where I started getting jaded. It was probably well before that, but it was around 16 that I specifically remember HATING Christmas.

I hated having to wake up early on Christmas morning. I hated having to put on a cheerful face when all I wanted to do was sleep. I hated having to act like a 6-pack of tube socks was exactly what I wanted. Well, everyone else pretended. I was just a total dickhead of a teenager, who felt that my job was to make everyone around me as miserable as I was.

At 18, I was freshly on my own. In fact, everyone else in the family had moved back to New York and left me in New Mexico. It was my first Christmas alone. And I hated that, too, fucking despised it.

Magic returned a couple of years later. I was married and a new daddy. It was the first Christmas for the twins and I was happy. I was in the Air Force, in love, a proud papa of 6-month-old girls…everything was good. For a while.

Flashforward a few years, when the marriage started sailing to southern climes. Christmas itself was still good because it was all about the girls. The Little Mermaid was brand new on VHS (and yeah, I’ve seen it about 2,742 times), my daughters had adorable British accents (because we lived in England at the time), and my wife and I always wore a happy face for the holidays.

Another few years and a divorce later, and I was depressed – yes – but still OK when my girls were around for Christmas. They’d visit me in San Antonio, and then Dallas (when I got out of the Air Force)…Santa would leave notes for the girls on the computer. It was fun.

Little later. Severe depression. Drugs. Even a suicide attempt. This was right after the flashbacks started hitting me enough to where I couldn’t ignore them any longer. My protective barriers were crumbling. All of this led me to neglect my girls. Don’t get me wrong, I was trying to protect them. Keep them away from the Fucking Disaster Formerly Known As Their Father, you know? Ugh. I could get really specific about all the ways I fucked up in those years (and since), but it’s not really relevant to the point.

Oh, yes, there IS a point. Somewhere. The Magic has been gone for a long time, that’s the point.

Nowadays, the holidays are nothing more than a 2-month period that I’d rather skip past, thanks very much. Love the Halloween. But from November 1 through,  oh, let’s say the day after New Year’s, I’d just like to fast forward through it all a’la Tivo.

It’s a ton of forced socializing, being “on” the whole time, putting on a happy face when I’m not happy, and family dynamics that sometimes make The Simpsons look like The Brady Bunch. Trust me, my mother and father got divorced for a reason. It should be against the law for them to be under the same roof these days…yet they are, right around this time every year. At my sister’s house.

Awkward, thy name is FAMILY.

And there’s always the political discussions. Most everyone in my immediate family is staunchly conservative in every way. Me, on the other hand…I’ve been growing more and more liberal as the years go by. Relative to them, I mean. Shit, I voted for Barack a year ago, and that’s grounds for castration in my family. Verbally speaking, of course.

Just you wait until Barack gets his thumbs in the health care system.

The economy is only going to get worse with a Democrat in the White House.

Barack isn’t really a Christian, you know.

Yeah, yeah. There’s a lot of tongue-biting on my part. It’s truly not worth trying to have a political discussion with my family. It’s not as if there’s going to be any actual  mind-changing going on. It’s all about the bashing, not the exchange of ideas. I’m very good at the occasional nodding, raising of the eyebrow, and mmm-hmm’ing.

Of course I enjoy my nieces. And I get along fine with my family, really. I’m not saying it’s ALL this horrible experience 24/7. It’s not.

But I don’t enjoy being out of my element for days at a time…sleeping in a foreign bed, not being able to socially retreat whenever I want to, having to wagon-train all over town to various relatives’ houses for brunches and dinners and gatherings, being subject to frou-frou coffee flavors like Vanilla Candy Cane Guava Hazelnut Chai Nectarine, and worse – single ply toilet paper.

Mix all that together with no wifi? Well, folks, all you need to do is add a few grains of sand in my crack and you have the Oxford English Dictionary definition of “hell.”

Add to that all the shit that has been 2009 and I’m stressed to the gills. I lost Lisa this year. Cancer. And then more cancer in my family…and more in friends and their families. Sickness, too, aside from the cancer. Anissa and her stroke.

Financial troubles (many of which have been caused by my not working for a while now – by choice, I might add). Relationship troubles with friends both new and old. Pyschotic assholes stalking dear friends of mine, sociopathic dickhead ex-spouses fucking with friends, too.

Hell, even people I don’t know who just lost a child in a tragic accident. And subsequent SHITHEADS that cast aspersions and say horrible things to a woman that just lost her fucking child. Clearly there’s no accounting for compassionless assholes. Happy fucking holidays, people.

For real… I can haz 2010 now pleaze? I’ve been done with this godforsaken year for a while now.

Thank God I started therapy again this year, or I’d be even more fucked. Hell, here’s how messed up in the head I’ve been lately. I’ve missed not only one, but TWO therapy sessions in the last month. I never do that shit.

Spent a couple days away from home over the weekend, right? Thought I’d enjoy a stress-free break. And I did have a great weekend. BUT…

Before I even got out of town, it started with my Garmin GPS sliding off the dashboard onto the floor and breaking.

Out of warranty, natch.

And then, having parked my car for two days, I discovered that some asshats had tried to break into it. Now the driver’s side lock is all stripped out and I have to unlock the car from the passenger’s side. And yes, this is the car that I JUST got out of the repair shop a week ago.

Because, y’know, my car is such an amazing Piece Of Shit that people are just dying to steal it. Not everyone can swim in the back of their car. No one got IN the car, at least. Not that there was anything to take…except for the busted-ass GPS.

This time of year always brings me a lot of anxiety. And I’ve noticed how short my fuse is lately, too, which isn’t making it any easier. I feel like snapping at close friends, let alone the fuckwad prunts that annoy the living shit out of me…which is much easier to do right now.

I’d just like to betchslap the dumb out of EVERYONE and EVERYTHING, really.

1. Stalkers. Seriously, WTF? Is your life so pathetic that you can’t do anything but harass people that want nothing to do with you? When I was a kid, I got bullied a lot. The problem with the Internet is that it allows people that can’t physically bully you to bully you electronically. Die, bitches, die. Though I now have a better understanding of restraining orders, so there’s that.
2. Mind Games. Played by 95% of the population, I have no patience for them, either. Fuck off. If you cannot flat out TELL ME what you want to tell me, without resorting to passive-aggressive tactics, I’m done. People are (for the most part) rather transparent, particularly those that feel confident they’re being clever. Try pretending you’re a grown-up. For once.
3. Mean People. Suck. Period.
4. Closed-Minded People. My friends are from all walks of life, and I dig that. Political spectrum, religious/spiritual spectrum…they’re all over the board, and I dig that. The people I want to be around are the kinds of people that can talk about any topic under the sun without screaming or yelling or namecalling. When you’re the OPPOSITE of that? Piss off.
5. Bad Drivers. They’re everywhere, I know. But it’s this time of year when southern Florida gets the Snowbirds. Snowbirds, if you don’t know, are the people that live here for half the year, and live up north the other half of the year. It’s warm in Florida (today’s high is 77) while they have penis-shrinking temperatures up north. Good for the local economy, bad for your sanity if you’re driving. Yesterday, some dipshit with an Ontario license plate  pulled out in front of me and I had to slam on my brakes. There was no one behind me for half a mile, so the dipshit could have waited 8 more seconds and then pulled out with no trouble. But no. It’s a shame my Scanners powers haven’t yet developed, cuz that fucker’s brains would have covered the entire interior of that Ford Taurus.
6. Garmin. WTF? My nice little sandbagged bracket (which worked just fine for over a year) slid off the side of the dash, onto the floor…the GPS hit NOTHING but the carpet and the screen BREAKS? Grrr. $80 I don’t have right now.
7. My Laptop. Beyond 3 years old now, it’s on its last legs, and has been for a while. Sometimes, Firefox acts all wonky and I have to reboot. Internal hard drive is maxed. RAM is maxed. Friends talk to me about doing a clean install with XP, but that scares the crap out of me because I don’t know where all my software discs are. Reinstalling all that crap? Not high on my list of fun things to do. 2010 is  most definitely the year for a new computer. Y’know, when I work and make some money and can make that happen. Right now, though? I wanna put a bullet right through the middle of this POS Dell laptop.
8. My Car. Yes, it drives fine. I’m not one of those people that really obsesses over vehicles. To me, it’s merely a tool to get from Point A to Point B, and I drive my cars into the ground before getting a new one. But it’s time for my car, too, I think. There is literally a fucking pool of water on the floorboard in the back seat. I have  no idea where it’s coming from but it’s moldy and nasty. And when I have money again, I don’t know that I want to spend a ton of money to fix what is clearly going to be replaced relatively soon. And with the new driver’s side keyhole party? I want to kick my car in the junk, too.
9. Christmas Shopping. Haven’t done one damn bit of it. Yet. Looks like an Amazon year, if you ask me. Do I need to mention again that I have no money?
10. ME. Last but not least, yeah. I am my own worst enemy. I haven’t worked consistently since Lisa died, and that’s been ALMOST A YEAR. I’ve been repeating major mistakes that I haven’t made in decades. I’m neglecting all sorts of relationships because of my blinders. I’ve been attempting to change bedrooms in my house for a year, but never really getting anything accomplished. I don’t know where the hell my days are going! I’m not doing SHIT. Well, that’s not true, exactly. I’m putting out one fire after another, only to have THREE MORE FIRES take their place as soon as I extinguish one. Yeah, I’m a mucking foron.

I just want to retreat away somewhere, curl up into the fetal position, and hide. Unplug everything. Delete all my damn accounts and just…disappear. I don’t feel like I can take one more straw on my back, not even a teeny tiny Barbie straw.

Moments like this make me seriously question whether or not there’s enough Guinness on the planet.

Nevertheless, I look forward to seeing some friends this weekend. Cissa is driving through North Carolina as I type this, and I’m glad she’ll be local to me very soon.

I have episodes of Supernatural, Smallville, and Fringe to watch, too. So that’s something.

I’ve lost 40 pounds over the course of the last year. Recently had to go spend $90 just on new underwear and jeans because I’m down from a size 38 waist to a 30 now, something I haven’t been able to say since I was in my 20s. EARLY 20’s. So there’s that. Even if my incredible t-shirt collection is of the Large variety and I now wear a Medium.

And I’ve decided that I ultimately can’t wait to move to one of the following states: Alaska, California, Hawaii, Colorado, Maine, Michigan, Montana, Nevada, Oregon, New Mexico, Washington, Rhode Island, or Vermont. So there’s that.

I’ll take some stress-free happy moments, please. Or maybe I’ll just taken enough Ambien to put me out like Rip Van Winkle for a while. Either way.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

Oh, Magical Barack,

Please use your supernatural powers to flash-forward 24 hours past all this inaugural bullshit. Listen, I voted for you. That’s saying a lot. You’re the very first time I voted Democrat.

Now I implore you, get your ass sworn in so we can finally be done with 2-1/2 YEARS of this freaking presidential campaign. I would gladly watch five more months of crawls on the bottom of my screen, warning me about the advent of digital television, which will render all free-air transmissions on old televisions useless without a digital converter box…if only you would just be sworn in so I can watch something else on CNN and Nightline.

I know that starting tomorrow, the country is going to be magically transformed with your BarackObamaness. All our problems will be solved. All Americans will have health care as good as the U.S. Senate. We’ll each get $25,000 back from Uncle Sam. Cars will all get 100 miles per gallon using tap water.

I can’t wait for Osama Bin Laden to be captured tomorrow. Every home will have broadband Internet speeds faster than T-1. We’ll all get goosebumps as Lee Greenwood sings “I’m Proud to Be an American” personally to us in our own living rooms. We’ll gather round huge bonfires, singing “Kumbaya” while chugging Bailey’s.

It’s going to be amazing, I just know it. But please. PLEASE. Can we just skip past the fucking inauguration with all the concerts and the train stops and poems and the gajillions of idiots freezing their asses out on the Mall?

Can we just skip to the Magical Barack part? I’m tired. I just don’t want to hear political rhetoric on my TV for at least six months.

You know, until we start campaigning for 2012.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

Over two years we’ve been dealing with this fucking mess called the Presidential campaign trail. Two YEARS. Absolutely ridiculous. I hit the saturation point a long time ago, as many of us have. They call it political fatigue, though fatigue isn’t strong enough a word to describe it. It’s more like critical mass. My head is ready to explode again and again from all. the. utter. crap.

I’ve never before had this much trouble making up my mind about who to vote for. I’m not a declared Republican. I’m not a declared anything, really. Haven’t been in years. Why? Because I’m one of those people. I don’t color inside the lines like the candidates like. Undecided isn’t the word for it, either. I’ve felt like a man without a country for a long time.

It’s not about voting for the lesser of two evils. Well, sure, there’s that. There’s ALWAYS that. Because I guaranfuckingtee you – no matter how strongly you may love McCain or how strongly you may love Barack – neither one is going to be the President you want. Not entirely. Shut up. They’re NOT.

So sure, many of you are going to vote for the person they think will be the LEAST bad for the country. I get that, I do.

But for me, that’s far too simplistic a perspective. I don’t have a candidate.  Really. Neither one of them represents me. Neither one of them WILL represent me. I’m one of the people that gets lost in the cracks in this two-party system. It’s astounding, really, that we even stand for a two-party system. Us, a nation of far too many choices in most every facet of our lives…stuck with only two viable candidates.

How would you like it if you went to the grocery store and had TWO choices of cereal? Two brands of soda? Two brands of detergent? What would it be like if you went car shopping, only to have TWO cars to choose from? In one of two colors?

Well, that’s exactly what we’ve stuck ourselves with in this fucked up electoral system we’ve got going on. I don’t call that freedom. Hell, I barely call it a forced choice. But that’s not going to change.

I’ve tried making “another” choice in the past. Back in 1992, I couldn’t stand either of the two options available – Bush 1 or Clinton – and so I voted for the alternative…Ross Perot. Look where the hell that got me.

Yes, it can be argued that Perot got 19% of the popular vote…a first for any third party, something which hasn’t been duplicated since. Yes, that’s something. But it’s not enough to make a change. If it were, then life would be vastly different right now. Yes, 19% of the country spoke up and said, “We don’t like the options.” So fucking what? What options do we have now? Still only TWO.

And yeah, there’s Ralph Nader who, quite frankly, is probably the closest thing to a smart choice this country has. But I won’t make the same mistake twice. I did my rebellion 16 years ago. It was much ado about nothing, and now it’s barely the ghost of a dream. Maybe it wasn’t a wasted vote, but it’s about as close as I’ve come.

Can you tell I’m a bit angry? I’m not a happy camper. Mere days from the election and I am once again forced into an impasse. I can’t vote because I don’t think either candidate is speaking my language, and I can’t NOT vote because I think that’s just about the worst thing any citizen can do. I haven’t missed a Presidential election yet, and I don’t plan to start any time soon.

I don’t often discuss politics because it’s such a divisive topic. And I don’t like that. There’s enough out there to divide us. I like to focus on the shit that can bring us together, like me being an asshat in a wig and ladies’ clothing, lipsyncing to annoying songs. That’s something we can all get behind.

But I’m in a quandary and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to talk about it here on my own space. I voted for the current Bush. Twice. And no, I’m not happy about his performance. At all. I can’t for the life of me think of one thing I’m proud of that he’s done. The country is in the toilet and while that’s not all Bush’s fault – this shitstorm is a group effort, make no mistake about it, all three branches of government are to blame – he certainly hasn’t HELPED.

When I look at John McCain, what I WISH I saw was the John McCain of five years ago. A man who actually stood for something, who said “fuck you” to the powers that be, who didn’t conform to the status quo and said no to both parties simultaneously. A man who actually did what was right, who still knew what it meant to do that.

That John McCain doesn’t exist any more. Don’t get me wrong. I still like him. But he’s a shadow of his former self, and the political trail has not been kind to the man. He’s changed. He’s pandering…well, both he AND Barack are pandering. That’s part of their job description. But I have a greater and greater difficulty reconciling the John McCain from years past and the John McCain from now.

And his choice of a running mate hasn’t made that any easier for me. I like Sarah Palin. As a person. But the more I hear from her, the more I don’t like her as a candidate. She’s not stupid. Clearly. But she’s ignorant. She may have done a good job leading the state of Alaska, but that doesn’t mean she’s up for the job of Vice President. (And God forbid, President.) Not that the Vice President DOES anything, mind you. Sure, they may have to make the Blue-Moon tiebreaking vote on the Hill, but other than that, they’re pretty much there to back up the President.

I admire Palin for not toeing the line every step of the way with McCain. That’s not a bad thing. But the things that come out of her mouth make me shake my head in wonder. The whole Bill Ayers thing is positively ludicrous. I know it’s part of politics, the muckslinging, but the vitriol that’s come out of these campaigns in the last 45 days is just sickening. We wonder why the issues aren’t talked about enough and it’s because the politicians themselves spend all their energy trying to undermine the other side with bullshit.

DOZENS of debates over the course of two years and what are we reduced to? The same old crap. He said, she said. He’s friends with this asshole, and HE’S friends with THIS asshole. Who gives a flying fuck?

What about the shit that *I* give a damn about? What about the economy? What about education? What about health care? What about the war? And for me, the crux of it all – at least in my recent election years – is the abortion issue.

I’m against it. I make no secret of that. I think abortion is WRONG. I think it’s taking the life of a person. And there’s nothing you can say that’s going to change my stance there. Life begins at conception. I haven’t always felt that way. I used to fall on the opposite side of the coin. Suffice it to say, because of my own personal experiences, my perspective has evolved.

Abortion has been, for many years, the TOP issue for me. And yes, I also think the death penalty is wrong, so at least I’m consistent. I don’t think taking a life – in ANY situation – is okay. But over the years, it’s not just my stance on abortion that has evolved. Many other of my positions have changed, as well.

For example, I used to think being gay was an aberration. It was wrong. It was sinful. It was a choice. I don’t believe that any more. Over the years, I’ve known more and more gay people, made strong relationships with many of them, some in intense therapeutic situations that I hold akin to being in a foxhole. I know better now.

The notion that we somehow have the right to decide who can be with who…which couple should have rights simply based on their sexual orientation. That’s just crazy talk. The fact that there’s shit on many state ballots that may very well decide – once again – who is free to love someone else and who isn’t based on their genitalia is flat-out insane. Hell, it’s on the Florida ballot, as well…and you can be assured that I’ll be voting against that shit.

I’d vote against it no matter WHO I was voting for in the Presidential election.

And again, we return to my quandary. I’m strongly liberal in some areas, and strongly conservative in others. Tough shit if you don’t like the labels – those are what I’m used to, that’s what I call them. Progressive, liberal, it’s semantics. What we’re talking about, really, is the red party vs. the blue party. Both parties have strayed so far from their respective paths over the years that they’re virtually unrecognizable from what the “traditional” platforms used to be.

There IS no candidate for me. Tell me, which candidate is Pro-Life and pro gay marriage? (I even hate the Pro-Life and Pro-Choice labels, but that’s a topic for another post.)

Which candidate is pro military AND pro diplomacy?

Which candidate is pro offshore drilling AND anti petroleum conglomerates?

Show me that fucking candidate.

And again, yes, there’s Ralph Nader, but he is not a choice. Not a REAL choice. Not if you’re truly trying to make a difference in this messed up country. And I LOVE this country, I do. It may be fucked up, but it’s one of the best ones on the planet. I’m not so entirely crazed as to think America is THE best on the planet. We’re pretty great. Or were. There’s potential.

As usual, I’m all over the board.

I’m not happy with Barack, either. I’ve heard the man speak personally. Granted, it was only 20 minutes, and it was the same shit he’s spouting on all the talking heads shows. He talks the good talk, he’s slick, he’ll put more money in my pocket. He reminds me a lot of Bill Clinton in that way. He says all the right things, he hits all the notes. I like him. Well, maybe he’s not so much like Clinton, after all.

The problem with Barack Obama is, yes, his inexperience. He has, well, NONE. He has roughly the same experience in an executive position as Sarah Palin. He hasn’t been on The Hill for a year…not a year of experience, anyway. The bulk of his time as Senator has been not on The Hill, but campaigning for President.

What the fuck has Barack DONE to be President of the United States? He’s barely spent time serving in any of the positions he’s been elected to thus far! I suppose the only saving grace of the current situation is that he has no higher office to aspire to if he gets elected President. He’ll be stuck actually doing the job people elected him to do. For once. I mean, there is no President of the Universe position. Yet.

Again, there is no candidate for me. I am not happy with either forced choice.

But I’ve come to a point where I can no longer sit on my hands, wondering what I’m going to do come November 4. A decision has to be made. Do I once again stand on my laurels (what the fuck are laurels, anyway?), sticking to the ONE issue that has traditionally been THE issue for me? Or is that enough any more? I mean, no matter WHO is voted into the White House, abortion isn’t going to change in this country. It’s not. No one is going to overturn Roe v. Wade and I’m not even advocating that, anyway.

OR do I go with all the other myriad of issues that are important to me, casting aside abortion BECAUSE I know it’s not going to change?

I’m leaning toward that latter option for the first time. I don’t like where the country is, I don’t like how it’s been run for the last 8 years. Well, frankly, I didn’t like the 8 years before that, either, but that’s neither here nor there.

Health care. Education. Taxes or no taxes. Fuck, the money for this $850 billion “bailout” has got to come from somewhere. If we don’t raise taxes, what do we do? Just stick it on the Uncle Sam Visa card? AGAIN? No matter who you vote for, there will be TRILLIONS more dollars stuck on the Debt Clock. That’s not conjecture, it’s fact.

The question is, really, which guy is actually going to make the Change that this country needs? Who is going to steer this ship toward some reasonable facsimile of being back on course?

There IS no candidate for me. But is there a candidate for the country? I don’t know. I doubt it, frankly. I’m too cynical to believe that either of them can make a difference for the better. Sad, but true.

But somewhere down inside me…somewhere…there has GOT to be a sliver of hope. Otherwise, I wouldn’t continue beating the shit out of myself every four years, voting for the next President. And this time around? I’m beat to a bloody pulp.

If you’ve actually read through this entire meandering post, I hope one thing is evident: I am not taking this election lightly. I have, however, made up my mind.

It will probably come as a bit of a shock to most of you, but the person I’m voting for is Barack Obama.

I KNOW.

As much as I hate politics, I’ve watched ALL of the debates these last weeks. And I just haven’t heard John McCain say much that convinces me he’s the person to steer away from what Bush has done with this country. He SAYS he’s not George W. Bush, but his record is evidence to the contrary. His health care plan is crap. I’ve read both web sites, listened to the speeches. McCain is just not in touch with what’s happening, domestically. With foreign policy, yes, I think he is superior to Obama.

But God forgive me, fuck foreign policy right now. We’ve spent more than enough time and resources in places we don’t belong. One of the first things you learn in therapy is you can’t help your neighbor if you’re not in good health yourself. And America is NOT in good health.

So I’m voting for Obama. Unless something RADICAL happens in the coming weeks. The first time I’ve EVER voted for a Democratic candidate.

And I’m praying that it’s the best choice I can make.

So there.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

No SecondHand Radio tonight because of the Vice Presidential Debate. I doubt many of you would show up. Hell, I don’t want to because I’ll be glued to my TV. There’s bound to be more entertainment in that 90-minute debate than I could ever dream up. I hope Sarah Palin shows me something more than I’ve seen in her interviews with CBS and ABC.

I’ll be back next Thursday night at 10pm, and my guest will be Kevin Apgar from Kapgar. See me then.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

I know, the last dare isn’t here yet. It’s gonna be postponed more. Hopefully it’ll be worth the wait. Gonna be a few days, at least.

I haven’t been feeling all that great the last several days. On top of that, my face is molting, thanks to the massive sunburn I got at the Barack rally on Saturday. Lotion is my friend.

I actually started reading a novel last night. First time in a long time. I got some great books for my birthday, thanks to a lot of you, and I decided to start reading “Twilight,” mostly because it’s about vampires and I dig that sort of shit. It’s also the mood I’m in. Watched the first couple of episodes of “True Blood” on HBO, the pilot during a free HBO weekend, and the second episode when I was staying with Britt over the weekend. I like it.

Depression is coming back in waves again, too.  Loneliness. Blecch.

In short, I have nothing interesting – certainly nothing positive – to say. But I wanted to get it out there, anyway.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan