Herb Arrives
I’m TK-280, but friends call me Herb. The long trip from Hoth to this blue Earth globe was hellacious. And while I was in suspended animation to get here, Ted decided to be funny and put my lower armor on backwards. But I made it just the same. And after I etched “Rebel without a Clue” on Ted’s helmet, and took an hour to fix my armor, I managed to scale down the giant tower the hairless wampas call a “mailbox.”
What it is I’m expected to do here, I don’t know. But once I was inside the giant base of the hairless giant wampa known as Karl, I found some other clones hidden away. Turns out they’ve been waiting on me to organize our campaigns.
We found a stockpile of large lance weapons known as “syringes.” This Karl creature has no clue the level of wrath we shall rain down upon him.
That’s me on the right.
The guys and I shall commence taking over this central Florida region forthwith. Once we finish sampling this amazing Guinness beverage. *hic*
PS: I found a listing of other clones here on Earth. Together, we shall…ooh, what do you call this magical disc? Pizza. Niiiice.
Filed under Herb, Humor | Comment (0)The One Where Karl Loses a Bet and Then Has to Write a Guest Post
I wrote this late last Sunday for CheekySweetie’s blog. I know it was overdue, but I did get it done. -K
So there was this bet that Angel and I made. She claimed that the carpet in her bedroom was the ugliest carpet on Earth. I told her that I have 10 years on her, grew up in the 70’s, and have seen a TON of ugly carpet. Hello? Lime green and burnt orange, people? Shag carpeting?
If, in fact, she did possess the ugliest carpet on Earth, I would have to write her a guest post for her blog. This, during a time when I barely touched my own blog. Good choice. She wanted to make me work.
If, in fact, she did NOT own the nastiest carpet on the planet, well…shit, I forget what I would have won. It doesn’t matter, clearly, because I’m here, aren’t I?
I lose. Story of my life.
She really does have the ugliest carpet on the planet. It has dark orange and blood red and puce and cream, all swirled together in this melange that you’d think would look like a creamsicle but, in fact, looks like someone vomited all over her floor. I wish I’d gotten photos of it.
Thought about it a lot over the holidays. Wasn’t sure what I’d write, but came up with a Top 10 list because I’m lazy.
I don’t ever talk about my love life on my own blog, but then, I’m not exactly AT my blog, now am I? See? This is what you get for getting me to write a guest post for you, Angel. Next time you’ll think twice.
Why CheekySweetie Rocks
- Angel blogs. I’ve always said that my future girlfriend was going to have to be a blogger. Blogger girls are the only ones who’d understand all the time I spend on a computer. Facebook, Twitter, blogging…she does it all and more often than I do. She doesn’t even blink when my thumbs are blazing across my iPhone’s virtual keyboard, mostly because she’s on her Droid Eris playing Bonsai Blast and doesn’t give a fuck. Me likey.
- Angel is smart and shit. Like, really really smart. Case in point, she beats me at least 50% of the time on Words With Friends (a Scrabble clone). This is why I like her intelligence only 50% of the time (at least). Seriously, smart chicks are very sexy, and she has the sexy in spades. She’s not *too* smart, though. She still gets that impish grin when I say something juvenile like, “Heh, you just said ‘hard.’”
- Angel is geeky. One time (not in band camp), I was on my iPhone and I gasped with excitement. “You know what I love?” I said to her. Without even looking up from her iPod Touch, she said, “When you go to the App Store and there are updates for your apps waiting?” Oh. My. God. I showed her my phone…4 app updates ready. “YES!” She totally gets me.
- Angel is low-maintenance. I need to make this the criteria for all my relationships, friendship or otherwise. I like low-mai. She doesn’t care that my main wardrobe consists of silly t-shirts and cargo shorts. She doesn’t demand a lot of phone time. In fact, half the time, our dialogue is via text messaging. Don’t get me wrong. We talk on the phone frequently, and I always enjoy it, but she’s not big into the phone talk, and either am I. Usually.
- Angel is generous. Spent a few days with her and the kids in Daytona Beach right after New Year’s. I was outside on the balcony smoking (what can I say? I’m smoking hot) and she told me what there was for lunch. I said I’d make a sandwich when I got back inside. When I did get back inside (brr! It was FREEZING out!) there was a sandwich already waiting. “You didn’t have to do that, babe,” I said. She just smiled and said, “I know.” That’s just one example out of dozens, if not hundreds. Oh, and she rubs my shoulders a lot, which kinda makes me purr.
- Angel is kind. Time and time again, I’ve watched her with others. She’s always encouraging, always has nice things to say…kind of the opposite of me, really.
- Angel makes me laugh. A lot. This fits well into my new life philosophy: Laugh more, laugh more. On top of that, she has a great laugh herself, though she might not agree with me on that. Always makes me smile to hear it, and really, aren’t I what matters most?
- Angel says what she’s feeling. Like, without head games and crap. Do you know how rare this is? She tells it like it is, and doesn’t mince words about it, either. I dig that. Heavily. Her honesty is refreshing and never laced with malice, and I dig that, too.
- Angel is a phenomenal mother. I’ve watched her with those children of hers, and I’ve spent time with those kids. They’re super-smart, polite kids, all three of whom are a delight to be around. Well, save for the teen boy, who is excelling at his misanthrope duties. Angel is amazing at showing her kids that they have choices, and that there are consequences for our choices. She’s also very good at follow-through, which many of us parents sadly lack a lot of the time.
- Angel doesn’t think I suck. Really, this should be at the top of the list…y’know, if I were prioritizing the list. It should go without saying that a girlfriend would not think her boyfriend sucks, but I continue to find this amazing. My insecurities run rampant (depending on the day) and I often wonder what any woman in her right mind would see in me. Angel doesn’t hesitate to tell me. And I almost believe her.
So, to sum up, Angel is like a comedic slightly-raunchy version of Mother Teresa. Just with better boobs.
Filed under Guest Post, Humor, Local Goings On, Relationships | Comments (8)The Original Three Dawg Night
Three men wandering the streets of Bethlehem, circa 2,000 years ago, give or take.
Bob: Bollocks! I keep stepping on my robes!
Chuck: I told you to get that shit altered, dude. What part of “an angel of the Lord said the Messiah is being born in Nazareth” didn’t you get?
Larry: Seriously, Bob, you didn’t think there’d be walking involved?
Bob: Assumed we’d be cameling most of the way.
Chuck: You know what they say about assuming. Doesn’t make you very wise.
Larry: What’d you get the kid?
Chuck: Gold.
Larry: Nice. Hard to go wrong with gold.
Chuck: That was my thinking, too.
Bob: I got Him some jewels. Rubies, emeralds -
Larry: What the fuck, Bob?! You can’t give the baby Messiah jewels! That’s a choking hazard!
Chuck: Clearly. Why not just give him a bag of broken glass, or a basket of asps?
Bob: What?
Chuck: Why do you think I went with gold bars? Coins? Not child-friendly.
Larry: Hello? Hello? Anybody in there? THINK, McFly! Are you trying to KILL the freaking Son of God?
Bob: No, of course not. I’m just stupid when it comes to kids.
Chuck: Should have got Mable to help pick out the gift, man.
Larry: I still need to get something, anyway.
Chuck: Not like you to be last minute. Everything okay at home?
Larry: Damn teenage son. Caught him hitting the poppies again.
Bob: Shit. Sorry, Larry.
Larry: Hell, who hasn’t enjoyed some smoke every now and again, but at 13?
Chuck: The mind is still forming at that point, critical development stage…
Larry: Right? *sigh*
Bob: Hey, look! A mini mart!
Chuck: You’re getting the Christ Child gifts from a convenience store? Really?
Bob: What are we supposed to do, Chuck? It’s fucking December 24th! Not like there are a lot of choices!
Larry: Ooh, teriyaki camel jerky! I love that shit.
Chuck: Well, smack my ass and call me a gentile! They have myrrh! Can you believe it?
Larry: What brand?
Chuck: What does it fucking matter, Larry? It’s myrrh from a mini mart. What do you think you’re gonna find here? Dolce?
Larry: Good point.
Chuck: Now, Bob, see if they have some frankinsence. We may be able to pull this out of our asses yet, gents!
