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I’m Avitable and I’m famous on the internet.
But like most of you, I bask in the shadow that is Karl. He’s like a giant phallic obelisk blotting out the sun to all of the rest of us hungry bloggers.
What most of you don’t know, though, is that Karl was famous way before he became a Rockstar A-List Blogger. He had a brief movie career and if you blinked, you might have missed it. I’ve got some screenshots for you to see, although you might have to click on them to see the bigger version. I blame Karen for giving Karl only 450 pixels of content space - ridiculous!
For example, did you see his quick cameo in “Apocalypse Now” as Private Harold Pecker?
Or his co-starring role in “The Godfather: as Johnny “Two Dicks” Lasagna?
You probably also missed his pivotal scene in “Jaws” as Interested Observer #4.
He is, however, most famous for his small but important part as Oliver Panteezoff in “Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom”.
And, of course, Karl had to work hard to achieve his level of success in Hollywood. Like most attractive young male stars with dreams of success, he had to start at the bottom:
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When Karl asked me to guest post I thought yes! I will take your audience and make them mine! meh, what the hell. I’ve got time.
And now guest posting day is upon us and I’m thinking what is the easiest fucking way for me to get out of this I don’t have time for this shit.
So, instead of providing Karl with high quality, original content, I am copping out. And what is a bigger cop out than having other people blog for you? Reposting content from a now defunct blog that is roughly 2 1/2 years old by now.
Lucky, I am not only the classiest blogger on the Internet, I am also timeless.
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When I drink, I get funny. And irreverent. And horny. Apparently, this combination is not as sexylicious as one would think. But it does usually get the job done. It’s a rule in my house: Britt gets buzzed, Hubby gets laid.
(Warning, about to share way too much information!)
One night I came home in prime form (aka drunk as a skunk). I strip down and lay myself out on the bed like a Thanksgiving Turkey.
“Go ahead.”
“Excuse me?” my husband had apparently drank too much himself that night, because he was a little slow on the uptake.
“Go ahead. Have sex with me.”
“What? Are you kidding me?”
“No. I’m pretty drunk. And I don’t think I’ll be doing much of the work. But I don’t mind at all if you want to have sex with me. Go ahead. Feel free. And freely.”
Sometimes my husband has no sense of humor. He was not nearly as amused as I was by the situation. In fact, he made quite a show of being insulted. I think he should have had more to drink. He told me that this behavior was not exactly a turn on and muttered something about not being a light switch, blah blah blah.
So anyway, he does his thing.
And after much giggling by me and a few “Britt, shut UP!s” from him, he rolls over and settles in to sleep.
“Honey?”
“Yes Britt”
“Could you do me a favor?”
“Sure”
“Could you go downstairs and get me the Puke Bowl?”
“You have GOT to be fucking kidding me”
“No. Honey, really, it’s fine. I’m not mad. Don’t look at me like that. It’s just, well, I think all that moving me around and stuff.. I think I might have to throw up now.”
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Thank God I have evolved into a much classier blogger after all these years!
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Last year, I was extremely bitter about this whole Summer of Love thing. You may recall me, Black Belt Mama, beating Karl’s jeep with a baseball bat. You may also remember me obliterating pictures of Karl. I’m thinking “bitter” is the understatement of the year. If you’re new here, you may want to go and check it out. I thought Karl had learned his lesson.
Then this year Karl sends out the schedule and there are guys on it. Guys. I mean, where will the man draw the line?
I had big plans. I was going to follow up my video debut with a second one. I was going to go all Beyonce on Karl and tell him “You must not know ’bout me” complete with putting all of his crazy things in a box “to the left, to the left.” I imagined a video with me tossing Karl’s things into this box intermittedly throughout the video: a rubber chicken, his pacifier, his 2HT t-shirts, his expensive hair mousse, his pink bathrobe, and even his squeaky rubber ducky. I can file my nails with attitude too. It was going to be perfect. Just imagine Beyonce in a gi, with blonde hair.
It was all planned out the week I was asked to post almost two months ago. . .
Then we sold our house and had to move out in 3.5 weeks, and in with my parents while our house is being built. The location of my video camera is currently unknown. It’s safe to put out an official MIA. I could have told you that you’ll have to wait until I move into my new house in October to get the video.
The truth is that I tore my ACL last year, had surgery and my moves are. . . lacking at best. So instead of embarrassing Karl with all of the crazy things he leaves lying around everywhere, and myself with the one-legged dance moves, I figured I’d just give Karl some love advice from a girl who’s not afraid to put it all out there.
Do you want to know the secret to summer love, the things that women are really looking for along with the things they can’t stand???? Here they are:
Biggest Turn-offs (in no particular order):
- Dorito breath. If you’re looking for a woman, ban them from your diet. I avoided a first kiss with a fantastic guy because his breath smelled like a bag of Dorito’s. Nasty.
- Liars. I once told my husband (then boyfriend) that if I found out he was wearing a red shirt and he told me he was wearing blue, I’d dump him. Girls dig honesty.
- Not too much honesty though. We don’t need to know what you were doing in the bathroom for the past hour. Trust me, we’d rather not know. No really. TMI. (And for the love of God, put the fan on please.)
- Too nice, too needy, too desperate, too annoying. Call when you say you will, but don’t call too much. Generally avoid any and all head games, and don’t go all psycho stalker on us either.
- Drowning in cologne. You might as well just wear a big sign around your neck saying “I needs to get me some now.”
- Primping. If you spend more time fixing your hair than your potential girl, trust me, it’s too much time. If you hair crackles like bacon, you might be using too much hair gel. Major turn off.
- Dogs. Dogs, in general, are fine. However, if you’re the type of guy who takes the dog everywhere, sleeps with the dog, and does open mouth “kisses” with your dog. . . Ick.
- Science Fiction Nonsense. So you like Star Trek, Star Wars, and you even enjoy roll-playing that Dungeons and Dragons stuff. Fine, but if you start debating Princess Leia vs Queen Omigodalah and their power and beauty over dinner, you can pretty much rest assured that we’ll be moving on.
- Weird Mom relationships. There is nothing stranger than dating a guy and feeling like you’re competing with his mother for his attention. Love and respect your Mom, but don’t make it a competition for your love with a girl you’d like to date/marry.
- For the love of God, don’t wear a Speedo, unless of course you’re Michael Phelps, in which case. . . feel free. Gold medals are hot. And while I’m kind of on the subject, gold chains are not.
How to Get the Girl:
- Dance in your boxers, often. Girls like to know that guys don’t take themselves too seriously.
- Be man enough to stand up and karaoke. You don’t have to sing like Harry Connick to make a girl swoon. Being fun is the best way to get the girl.
- Introduce us to your friends. Don’t make us feel like it’s an us vs. them scenario all the time.
- Listen without trying to “fix” everything. Sometimes girls just want to vent. They don’t always want solutions, especially when that solution comes from the mouth of a man. We like to figure things out ourselves most of the time.
- Acknowledge. “Uh-huh” and “oh yeah” and “no kidding” are filler words that mean you’re watching the game and not listening to your girl. We know this. Don’t get caught. Acknowlege the conversation and interact.
- Don’t be afraid to dance. We like guys who can move. If you can’t, that doesn’t mean it’s a strike against you. Do the swaying thing. Anyone can sway to the beat. Just remember that slow swaying is markedly better than fast and off-beat swaying. Be the fixture and let your girl dance around you. You’ll probably have fun. Yes, yes you will.
- Hold open the door for us; pull out our chair; pick up the check. Yes, we might fall over from the shock, but it’s a good thing. Chivalry is not dead. Don’t believe those crazy things you’ve heard.
- Don’t play dumb. You know how you purposely crumple up shirts to make us think you don’t know how to fold clothing so that we won’t ask you in the future to do this chore again? We’re on to you. Knowing how to fold the towels, iron a shirt, and cook a meal is the hottest thing ever.
- Quit smoking! Smoking and Dorito’s go hand in hand. I’m so proud of you Karl. Keep it up!!!
- Pose semi-naked with “cologne” bottles. Sure, we’ll think it’s creepy at first; but the image will be seared in our brains forever. It will haunt us for eternity. We won’t be able to get you out of our head. That’s a good place to be if you’re trying to get the girl.
