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Last year, I was extremely bitter about this whole Summer of Love thing.  You may recall me, Black Belt Mama, beating Karl’s jeep with a baseball bat.  You may also remember me obliterating pictures of Karl.  I’m thinking “bitter” is the understatement of the year.  If you’re new here, you may want to go and check it out.  I thought Karl had learned his lesson.

Then this year Karl sends out the schedule and there are guys on it. Guys. I mean, where will the man draw the line? 

I had big plans.  I was going to follow up my video debut with a second one.  I was going to go all Beyonce on Karl and tell him “You must not know ’bout me” complete with putting all of his crazy things in a box “to the left, to the left.”  I imagined a video with me tossing Karl’s things into this box intermittedly throughout the video: a rubber chicken, his pacifier, his 2HT t-shirts, his expensive hair mousse, his pink bathrobe, and even his squeaky rubber ducky.  I can file my nails with attitude too.  It was going to be perfect. Just imagine Beyonce in a gi, with blonde hair.

It was all planned out the week I was asked to post almost two months ago. . .

Then we sold our house and had to move out in 3.5 weeks, and in with my parents while our house is being built.  The location of my video camera is currently unknown.  It’s safe to put out an official MIA.  I could have told you that you’ll have to wait until I move into my new house in October to get the video.

The truth is that I tore my ACL last year, had surgery and my moves are. . . lacking at best.  So instead of embarrassing Karl with all of the crazy things he leaves lying around everywhere, and myself with the one-legged dance moves, I figured I’d just give Karl some love advice from a girl who’s not afraid to put it all out there.

Do you want to know the secret to summer love, the things that women are really looking for along with the things they can’t stand????  Here they are:

Biggest Turn-offs (in no particular order):

1. Dorito breath.  If you’re looking for a woman, ban them from your diet. I avoided a first kiss with a fantastic guy because his breath smelled like a bag of Dorito’s. Nasty. 
2. Liars.  I once told my husband (then boyfriend) that if I found out he was wearing a red shirt and he told me he was wearing blue, I’d dump him.  Girls dig honesty.
3. Not too much honesty though.  We don’t need to know what you were doing in the bathroom for the past hour.  Trust me, we’d rather not know. No really. TMI. (And for the love of God, put the fan on please.)
4. Too nice, too needy, too desperate, too annoying. Call when you say you will, but don’t call too much.  Generally avoid any and all head games, and don’t go all psycho stalker on us either.
5. Drowning in cologne. You might as well just wear a big sign around your neck saying “I needs to get me some now.”
6. Primping.  If you spend more time fixing your hair than your potential girl, trust me, it’s too much time.  If you hair crackles like bacon, you might be using too much hair gel.  Major turn off.
7. Dogs.  Dogs, in general, are fine.  However, if you’re the type of guy who takes the dog everywhere, sleeps with the dog, and does open mouth “kisses” with your dog. . . Ick.
8. Science Fiction Nonsense.  So you like Star Trek, Star Wars, and you even enjoy roll-playing that Dungeons and Dragons stuff.  Fine, but if you start debating Princess Leia vs Queen Omigodalah and their power and beauty over dinner, you can pretty much rest assured that we’ll be moving on.
9. Weird Mom relationships. There is nothing stranger than dating a guy and feeling like you’re competing with his mother for his attention.  Love and respect your Mom, but don’t make it a competition for your love with a girl you’d like to date/marry.
10. For the love of God, don’t wear a Speedo, unless of course you’re Michael Phelps, in which case. . . feel free.  Gold medals are hot. And while I’m kind of on the subject, gold chains are not.

How to Get the Girl:

1. Dance in your boxers, often.  Girls like to know that guys don’t take themselves too seriously.
2. Be man enough to stand up and karaoke. You don’t have to sing like Harry Connick to make a girl swoon. Being fun is the best way to get the girl.
3. Introduce us to your friends. Don’t make us feel like it’s an us vs. them scenario all the time.
4. Listen without trying to “fix” everything.  Sometimes girls just want to vent.  They don’t always want solutions, especially when that solution comes from the mouth of a man.  We like to figure things out ourselves most of the time.
5. Acknowledge. “Uh-huh” and “oh yeah” and “no kidding” are filler words that mean you’re watching the game and not listening to your girl.  We know this. Don’t get caught. Acknowlege the conversation and interact.
6. Don’t be afraid to dance. We like guys who can move.  If you can’t, that doesn’t mean it’s a strike against you.  Do the swaying thing. Anyone can sway to the beat. Just remember that slow swaying is markedly better than fast and off-beat swaying.  Be the fixture and let your girl dance around you. You’ll probably have fun.  Yes, yes you will.
7. Hold open the door for us; pull out our chair; pick up the check.  Yes, we might fall over from the shock, but it’s a good thing.  Chivalry is not dead.  Don’t believe those crazy things you’ve heard.
8. Don’t play dumb.  You know how you purposely crumple up shirts to make us think you don’t know how to fold clothing so that we won’t ask you in the future to do this chore again?  We’re on to you. Knowing how to fold the towels, iron a shirt, and cook a meal is the hottest thing ever.
9. Quit smoking!  Smoking and Dorito’s go hand in hand.  I’m so proud of you Karl.  Keep it up!!!   
10. Pose semi-naked with “cologne” bottles.  Sure, we’ll think it’s creepy at first; but the image will be seared in our brains forever.  It will haunt us for eternity.  We won’t be able to get you out of our head. That’s a good place to be if you’re trying to get the girl. 

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Well, I normally don’t post twice a day, but I’m guest posting over at The Dutch Files tomorrow and, well, it’s already tomorrow there. Yeah, Dutchbitch is in the fuuuuuuture.

So here ya go.

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Hi, Poppy here. Thanks to Karl for letting me round out the Guest Post Party with the lamest post of them all. As you all know, Karl is quitting smoking with the lovely and talented Miss Britt on Monday, August 18. I, myself, have never had to quit smoking so any advice I give will be purely smartassedly circumstancial, but that has never stopped me before, so I’m giving my advice on how to keep from smoking anyway. Here we go…

5 ways that you, Karl with a K, can keep your hands and mouth busy so that you don’t smoke:

1. Eat a bunch of really greasy, fatty foods in a concentrated amount of time. The stuff will go right through you and you’ll be trapped on the toilet for days, thus keeping your hands nice and dirty-busy. It’s probably a good idea to keep a case of bottled water handy, which keeps your mouth occupied, don’t want you getting overly dehydrated. I myself tried a test run of this trick yesterday and it worked brilliantly. Suggestions for foods: Onion rings, hamburgers, gravy, french fries, mozzarella sticks, beef chimichangas, fettucine alfredo topped with a pound of bacon, and a jar of mayonnaise. Yummmmmmmm…

2. Have your webcam set up so that Britt can randomly yell “SMOKE A CIGARETTE AND I’LL PUNCH YOU IN THE NUTS, FUCKER!” at you. That alone should keep your fingers in your ears and your jaw dropped to the floor. In case you don’t remember, she’s very loud. And scary. And loud. And mean. And loud. (Hi Britt, I love you!) And she lives in the same state as you so it’s not very far for her to drive to you and make good on that promise. (Britt, you look beautiful today.)

3. Turn on reruns of Canadian Parliament — in French. It’s in a language you don’t understand about issues that were already voted on (reruns!) for a country you don’t live in. Trust me, firsthand experience dictates that nothing sexy or mildly exciting ever happens during one of those sessions, so there’s absolutely 0% chance of you staying awake. … Ok, ok, after the Death Star march opening… THEN it’s boring. If you’re asleep your hands are busy falling to the floor and your mouth is busy snoring and drooling.

4. Suck on toothpicks and the diabetic-friendly sugar-free Altoids. Keeps you looking butch for the ladies (What lady isn’t turned on by wood sticking out of a guy’s mouth? [TWKS!]) while keeping your oral fixation sated. If that doesn’t work then Google assures me this link will keep your oral fixation sated. Please note I haven’t clicked on that link myself. Fingers crossed that it’s not kiddie porn. Enjoy!

…and last, but not least…

5. Make out — for real. Find a Lovely Lady, such as the gorgeous Kristen Chase, who supports your cause by sticking her tongue down your throat, and maybe letting you appropriately grope her a little. Or inappropriately grope if that’s what she’s into. LL2HK. (I would totally put a photo of Kristen macking on the face of Karl attached to the body of LL Cool J if I wasn’t on the Windows ‘74 computer. Use your imagination, that’s what it’s there for.)

UPDATE: Mikey has kindly and masterfully created this disturbing wonderfully delightful image of Karl’s head on LL’s body. Thanks, Mikey!

Best of luck to you, Karl, and to Britt, and to everyone else who jumps on the Quitterati bandwagon. If you haven’t joined yet, it’s never too late.

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