So in two days, I go back to Bay Pines VA to see the orthopedic doctor, where I’ll get the results of last week’s MRI. I’ll find out just how fucked up my shoulder is, as well as what my options are. Surgery? Probably. The question is what kind of surgery? Totally open-shoulder or arthroscopic? And what about physical therapy? Will they allow for home therapy, or at least local therapy? How long will I be one-handed? What is the recovery time for such a surgery/injury?

So many questions, all making me more apprehensive than I really need to be, I’m sure. But hey, that’s my middle name, Apprehension.

No worries, only two more days to mull all this over, and then I’ll have answers.

I’m sick and tired of hearing about the Casey Anthony trial. I like to watch the news, whether it be on CNN or MSNBC or whatever…but this morning, every single news station (including Fox News, which I don’t really like) was covering the trial live. As if there’s no other news story to cover!

Michelle Bachman, who scares the ever-loving shit out of me – more so than even Sarah Palin ever did – announced her candidacy for President. There’s one thing, at least, that she has in common with Palin: her ability to stick her foot in her mouth. A favorite amongst Tea Partiers, I can assure you she won’t be getting my vote. Should it come down to that, I mean. Let’s hope a viable candidate pops into the arena. So far, I’m not very happy with any of the people up for grabs.

This has been a hell of a year for natural disasters…earthquakes, tsunamis, tornadoes, floods, and now wildfires, one of which threatens the biggest nuclear weapons lab we’ve got. Yeah, Casey Anthony should totally take precedence over that one. Los Alamos National Lab in New Mexico is closed for a second day, the fire is that close. The town of Los Alamos – over 12,000 people – has been evacuated.

The Supreme Court ruled that kids can buy violent video games. Free speech, and all that jazz. I say they got the ruling right. Not that I advocate kids buying violent games, but come on, let parents do their job. If we banned all violence from kids, they’d never get to see classics like Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner. Or read “The Lord of the Flies.” Or play Cowboys and Indians. Sorry, that’s not very PC. Cowboys and Native Americans. It’s not like the video games aren’t already labeled, just like music is these days. If parents can’t control what their kids are buying, well, they’re not scoring very high in the Greatest Parents of the Year category.

Thankfully, there’s the Internet to turn to for news. Otherwise, we might never hear about protests in Greece, the ongoing nuclear threat in Japan following the tsunami, Libya, the ever-rising national debt…none of it.

I’m kinda news’d out, and that’s when I turn to either something on my DVR or music. A few of the albums I’m listening to right now:

Weird Al – Alpocalypse. I’ve been listening to Weird Al since I was 13 years old. He’s a brilliant parody writer and performer. This album is chock full of weird goodness. From the Doors’ish “Craigslist” to the parody of Lady Gaga, “Perform This Way,” you can’t go wrong if you’re looking for a big dose of silliness. Love the song “Stop Forwarding that Crap to Me,” too. Check out his Lady Gaga parody video. Fantastic.

Matt Nathanson – Modern Love. Yeah, I’m a guy with pop sensibilities, so sue me. I dug his song “Come On Get Higher” a couple years back, and “Modern Love” doesn’t disappoint. Lots of strong tracks here…Modern Love, Room @ the End of the World, and Run to name a few. This is one of my favorite new summer albums. Here’s the first single from the album: “Faster.”

And an album I first heard about from Dave at Blogography:

Matt and Kim, Sidewalks. Another great album with strong grooves. I don’t know what took me so long to download it, Dave and I share a lot of musical tastes. My favorite track is “AM/FM Sound,” but I love the whole collection of songs. Here’s their latest video, “Block After Block:”

There you have it. I’m still a tad miffed that there aren’t any Florida tour dates for The Cars, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

I tweeted this a while ago after seeing Gene Simmons do an interview indoors wearing shades. Apparently, it ruffled some feathers. Several people DM’d me, saying that they wear shades inside and it’s not a douchebaggy thing to do.

Naturally, I wasn’t referring to them specifically. But I maintain my stance. I have transitions lenses on my specs, so they turn dark when I go into the sun. Walking back inside with them still on – I need them to see – not douchebaggy. They change back to clear lenses fairly quickly.

But I have a pair of non-prescription Ray-Bans that, if I DID wear inside, would indeed make me a douchebag. See?

So the next time you’re tempted to wear sunglasses indoors, remember this: Do I really want to look like Gene Simmons?

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

The other day I asked you to convince me to go to BlogHer 2011. I appreciate the comments from you guys. After careful consideration and a perusal of my finances, I have decided to skip BlogHer again this year. Much as I’ll miss lots of my favorite people, a new laptop is more important.

I’m saving up for a Mac PowerBook. Decades of being invested in Windows PC’s have me a little worried about this leap. I know Macs are supposedly very easy to use and far better stability-wise. I’m just hoping that the learning curve isn’t too steep for me. Old dog, new tricks, and all that happy horseshit.

Look how purty that sucker is.

In other news, The Cars have a new album out! “Move Like This” came out on Tuesday and so far I’ve only heard a couple of their new songs. They still sound great. I can only hope they decide to come to Florida on tour. Right now there aren’t any FL dates.

A review from Rolling Stone is pretty positive: “Move Like This is a reminder that New Wave can still sound new, especially when the Cars do it.”

Here’s “Sad Song.”

The Cars will forever be one of my favorite bands. I still remember the first time I heard them. I was in 10th grade. We’d just driven cross-country from New York to Alamogordo, New Mexico, our new home. Arrived in the evening, and stopped in at the Pizza Hut for dinner. And the first song that came on the jukebox (Google that shit, you youngsters) was this one:

The catchy tune opened me up to all sorts of new music. I’d previously thought that ABBA was cool – even had their greatest hits on 8-track (again, GTS) – but no more.

Shortly after we moved into our new home, a trailer on the south side of town, we got cable. And MTV…y’know, back when MTV stood for Music Television and ALL THEY PLAYED WERE MUSIC VIDEOS. My musical education was just beginning.

How about you? When do you feel like your musical awakening took place? And what artist or band was your very first concert? Mine was Men At Work.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

This is Movember, where I grow a moustache for prostate health. Prostate cancer is the #1 cancer affecting men. You can donate or just watch me grow a cheesy moustache all month. (Proceeds go to the Prostate Cancer Foundation and Livestrong.)

Today is the last day, so please donate if you can. If not, thanks for watching!

I’m also doing a 30-day meme, the whole of which can be found here.

Today’s photo of the ’stache:

Oh, moustache, how you'll be missed!

Day 30 – Who are you?

Just a dude.

“I’m Just A Man” by INXS

I’m just a man
My will is so strong
When I’ve got plans
I close my eyes to the pain

My mother ran
My father left town
But we still have what’s necessary to go on

Flesh and blood
Flesh and blood

I’m part of you
Your part of me
There’s nothing said
That cannot be undone

My brother’s sane
His heart is so strong
He’s killed some pain
To himself nearly did the same

It washed away
Into the cruel sea
Like everything that’s built upon the sand

Flesh and blood
Flesh and blood

Sweet sister T
She loved so long and hard
Kept to herself
Until that right man came along

Some men they lie
Some men they cheat
But now she’s found
Someone to be as strong

I’m just a man
My will is so strong
When I’ve got plans
I close my eyes to the pain

My father ran (flesh and blood)
My mother left town
But we still have (flesh and blood)
What’s necessary to go on

I’m part of you
Your part of me

Wow, do I miss Michael. So thanks for hanging with me this month for Movember. I have no idea what I’ll do for a follow-up come December. Probably back to sporadic posts.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

This is Movember, where I grow a moustache for prostate health. Prostate cancer is the #1 cancer affecting men. You can donate or just watch me grow a cheesy moustache all month. (Proceeds go to the Prostate Cancer Foundation and Livestrong.) To date, I’ve helped raise $60. If you’ve got a dollar or two to spare, please throw it into the hat.

I’m also doing a 30-day meme, the whole of which can be found here.

Today’s photo of the ’stache:

Day 26 – What you think about your friends

This seems a stupid question to me. I mean, if I didn’t like my friends, they wouldn’t be my friends. I think they rock. ‘Nuff said.

Since there wasn’t much to today’s meme, I decided to play another one I saw on Avitable’s blog recently.

It’s Musical Magic 8 Ball: Put your iTunes on “shuffle”, ask each question below and press play. Use the resulting song as the answer.

Q: How does the world see me?
A: Boys Will Be Boys, by The Hooters

Q: Will I have a happy life?
A:  You Don’t Love Me Any More, by Weird Al Yankovic

Q: What do my friends really think of me?
A:  Sound of Pulling Heaven Down, by Blue October

Q: Do people secretly lust after me?
A: Love Song, by Five For Fighting

Q: How can I make myself happy?
A:  Womankind, by Annie Lennox

Q: What should I do with my life?
A:  Gonna Write Him a Letter, by Susan Tedeschi

Q: Will I ever have children?
A: Bitches Ain’t Shit, by Ben Folds

Q: What is some good advice for me?
A: Good Times Roll, by The Cars

Q: How will I be remembered?
A: Then it Leaves Us All Behind, by Peter Wolf

Q: What do I think my current theme song is?
A: Darkness, by Peter Gabriel

Q: What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
A: It’s a Party, by Buckcherry

Q: What song will play at my funeral?
A: Dig Your Grave, by Modest Mouse

Q: What type of men/women do I like?
A: Principal’s Office, by Young MC

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

This is Movember, where I grow a moustache for prostate health. Prostate cancer is the #1 cancer affecting men. You can donate or just watch me grow a cheesy moustache all month. (Proceeds go to the Prostate Cancer Foundation and Livestrong.) To date, I’ve helped raise $60. If you’ve got a dollar or two to spare, please throw it into the hat.

I’m also doing a 30-day meme, the whole of which can be found here.

Today’s photo of the ’stache:

Day 24 – A letter to your parents

Dear Parents,

You’ve been asking what I want for Christmas, so here you go. Please tell Santa that I want a Kindle with 3G for Christmas. Also, a Blu-Ray player with built-in wifi. And an Apple MacBook Pro. Maybe an iPhone 4. The Beatles Mono box set (thanks to Dave for pointing out the need). I know, my tastes are more expensive these days.

On the cheap, though, since I lost weight, I could use some new jeans. The Price is Right for Wii, or maybe the new Donkey Kong. And the Back to the Future trilogy on Blu-Ray. An Amazon gift card could help me pick out books and music I want…or just about anything. Or an iTunes card would work, too. ThinkGeek has a great holiday section this year. In fact, right now, they’re offering a free t-shirt with any $25 purchase. Maybe some scratch-off lottery tickets. See? I’m easy. Kinda.

I hope this makes for an easier experience for Santa. I still miss the original Sears Wishbook, but this will have to do.

Love,

Karl

PS: If Santa wants to get me a girlfriend instead, that’d rock.

PPS: I don’t really like brussels sprouts. I keep feeding them to my imaginary dog.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

This is Movember, where I grow a moustache for prostate health. Prostate cancer is the #1 cancer affecting men. You can donate or just watch me grow a cheesy moustache all month. (Proceeds go to the Prostate Cancer Foundation and Livestrong.) To see how much money is being raised by Movember thus far, CLICK HERE. To date, I’ve helped raise $60.

I’m also doing a 30-day meme, the whole of which can be found here.

Today’s photo of the ’stache-in-progress:

Day 15 – Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

1. “Camera One” – Josh Joplin Group
2. “Underneath” – Buckcherry
3. “Praying to the Wrong God” – Jon McLaughlin
4. “Can’t Stand Losing You” – The Police
5. “Talking to a Ghost” – Gabriel Mann
6. “Gives You Hell” – All-American Rejects
7. “Valentino” – Diane Birch
8. “Little Man” – Tomer Yosef
9. “867-5309 (Jenny)” – Everclear
10. “Red Rain” – Peter Gabriel

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

This is Movember, where I grow a moustache for prostate health. Prostate cancer is the #1 cancer affecting men. You can donate or just watch me grow a cheesy moustache all month. (Proceeds go to the Prostate Cancer Foundation and Livestrong.) To see how much money is being raised by Movember thus far, CLICK HERE.

I’m also doing a 30-day meme, the whole of which can be found here.

Today’s photo of the ’stache-in-progress:

Day 10 – Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad

This is a tough one. I mostly listen to my iPod (iPhone) on Shuffle these days.

Happy

Lots from Barenaked Ladies. Also, “Shake It Up” by the Cars.

Sad

“Tell Me There’s a Heaven” by Chris Rea, “Landed” by Ben Folds, “Not an Addict” by K’s Choice.

Bored

“Short Skirt, Long Jacket” by Cake.

Hyped

“Stacey’s Mom” by Fountains of Wayne, something from Depeche Mode.

Mad

“Father of Mine” by Everclear, “Gone” by Ben Folds.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

So the big concert on Saturday (OK Go) was a wash, thanks to a dead car battery the day of the concert. Thankfully, it didn’t happen in Orlando. Had I got out of the show at 11′ish Saturday night, and my car wouldn’t start, I would have been fucked royally. Instead, it happened in the short span of time it took me to get cigarettes from the smoke shop Saturday afternoon.

I was counting on the show to break me out of my funk, even if only for a few hours. But no. The universe had other ideas for me, apparently. After not being able to jump-start the car the first time, I left it in the parking lot and came back a few hours later with a friend. It started up fine the next time, with help of Mom’s car battery.

Got the car back to the house and I stayed home Saturday night, feeling especially melancholy when 8 o’clock rolled around (show time). Sunday I went to the auto parts store to get the battery tested. Surprisingly, when you hook up your battery to a charger – and acid starts frothing out of the top of said battery – it’s not a good thing.

Far better that it was the battery than something more expensive, like a starter or alternator. Still, my weekend was fucked, as was my mood.

I totally forgot about Kevin coming to Orlando this week, too, so when he reminded me Monday via Twitter that he’d be at Downtown Disney Tuesday night, I was like, fuck. Suddenly, not only was I miserable for missing OK Go, but I had to message Kevin and let him know I’d have to bow out. A 90-minute drive, mixed with overpriced dinner (no matter how enjoyable the company), was out of the question.

Sorry I couldn’t hang, Kev. Hope you and Katie are having a smashing time in Florida.

Yesterday, I met with the Matrix Therapist. Didn’t feel like going, much like I haven’t felt like doing most anything lately.

As she ushered me toward her office, she uttered the words “Temple of Tryptophan.” (NOTE: the new design has been up for just over a week now.)

Me: Oh my God, you’ve been to my blog.

Matrix Therapist: It’s not the first time.

Me: Oh my God, you’ve been to my blog…again.

(NOTE TO SELF: Don’t ever write any dirty dreams about the Matrix Therapist here.)

I explained to the Matrix Therapist just how bad the anhedonia is.

Me: Every time I use the word “anhedonia,” I inevitably have to explain to people what it means.

MT: So stop explaining. Tell them to look it up.

Me: I linked to the Wikipedia definition the last couple of times. Doesn’t seem all that difficult to figure out. I mean there’s hedonism – people seem to know what THAT means. Put “an” in front of it…hello, prefixes, ever heard of ‘em?

MT: So what’s going on?

Me: I can’t enjoy anything. TV, music, books, computer. I tried making that list of shit to get out of the house.

MT: And how did that go?

Me: Much like throwing bricks in the Grand Canyon. I went to the movies…

MT: What did you see?

Me: Iron Man 2.

MT: You went by yourself?

Me: I have nobody else to go with.

MT: How was it?

Me: It was okay^*. But I found myself wanting it to be over long before it was. Like I’m itchy to move onto something else, though nothing else is satisfying, either. I was just going through the motions.

MT: What else did you try?

Me: Bookstore…more motions. Gym, karaoke…motions, motions. Then, I drove in the pouring rain yesterday to go to the library. Got there and they’re fucking CLOSED Sundays and Mondays.

MT: Were you mad?

Me: Frustrated, but it seems par for the course. In my opinion, the library should be open on all days we have mail delivery, but then, no one ever consults me. So I just said ‘fuck it’ and went home.

It’s this isolation I feel that is part of my paralysis. Once again, I’ve put too many of my eggs into one basket. I lost my best friend recently – one of the only local friends I have. I have other close friends, but they’re all living in my computer, so to speak. And though I do answer my phone most of the time, I rarely reach out by calling them first.

Hate dragging people down into my muck.

In the first of these mugshots above, I was optimistic. Everything was great. I loved 2010, a far better year than 2009 had been. I had a girlfriend, a best friend, the Year of Resolutions, my life was back on track. Or so I thought. Within weeks, no girlfriend, lost my best bud, Mom broke her kneecap, I went manic, fainted twice from low blood sugar, lost my job.

Me: I’ve been ready to write this fucking year off for months. And it’s only getting worse.

MT: Have you thought about going back to school?

Sure, I’ve thought about it. But here’s the problem: go back to school for what, exactly? I’ve often said that the next time I go back to school, it’ll be only classes I WANT to take, as opposed to taking courses toward a degree.

Then there’s all the headache associated with getting a hold of all my previous transcripts. I’ve been to more than a handful of schools (Air Force traveling).

MT: You don’t need that stuff just to take a class.

Me: Oh? Hmm.

But this is how I approach everything, really. I think of something that might be even remotely interesting, then I flashforward and talk myself out of it because whatever it is is insurmountable.

MT: Let me ask you this…what do you feel is lacking from your life?

Me: Local friends, companionship…

MT: OK…

Me: But what do I have to offer a woman? I’m 43, unemployed, living with my mother, and I’m about as much fun lately as The Meat Thawing Network.

And again, we come to this impasse. So the MT starts talking employment, and that’s a whole other kettle of fish. Working. I haven’t worked in a “real” job for 10 years now. That was a 4-month stint as a technical writer in the corporate world, where I started having another breakdown toward the end of that gig. Two years before that, the Great Nervous Meltdown of ‘98. All I imagine when I think about working a “real” job again is freaking the fuck out and having another breakdown. I lack confidence in my ability to work a normal job.

So the MT suggests a few non-traditional things, such as research studies and mock juries. Oddly, she never even brought up gigoloism. She also suggested working in the local bookstore. And while the bookstore might seem a natural fit (I’ve worked in one before, albeit decades ago), the thought of “normal” working hours, having to get dressed and presentable and leave the damn house, gives me the heebie jeebies. Research studies may be the way to go. Put me in a giant maze and make me chase for cheese or some such shit.

I’m simply lost. Overwhelmed and mired in shit. And nothing I do feels right, let alone fun. A total lack of engagement.

Where's the Cheese?

Hmm. Perhaps there’s no pressure being a lab rat. After all, I already feel like one.

^* Iron Man 2. SPOILER ALERT. Decent flick, not as good as the first one. Robert Downey, Jr. is great, natch. But I felt it was too slow in many places, lacked a lot of the charm from the original. The action sequences were too few and far between, and the last half hour was just spastic with too MUCH happening. Watching multiple Iron Men duking it out sort of takes the “special” out of Iron Man. And seeing Mickey Rourke – some muscle-bound semi-dreadlocked tattooed gold-toofed Russian – as a nuclear physicist was stretching my disbelief beyond normal limits…even for a comic book movie. Overall grade: B-

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

Happy Birthday to one of my great buds, Sybil Law. I hope today brings her lots of gumdrops and gingerbread, maybe some Dave Grohl. Sybil was supposed to be my guest on 2HRadio the other night, but there were technical difficulties, so we had to reschedule. Have a great day, my friend. I’ll be sure to drink one in your honor tonight.

For weeks now, the damn anhedonia has been maddening. Nothing seems to make a dent. When everything you enjoy doing is unenjoyable, believe me, it’s disheartening, to say the least. I’m hoping to kick the anhedonia in the balls tonight.

Tonight, I go to see OK Go. You know, the guys that did the video on the treadmill, plus that other video with the giant Rube Goldberg device? Yeah, them. They don’t like people embedding their videos, apparently, which is insane. I’m really digging the new album. One of my faves is WTF.

I managed to pull this classic Dancing in my Boxers video from my hat (or my Youtube account), which is me dancing to one of their many great songs. Be sure you eat before you watch. It IS me dancing, after all.

If this concert doesn’t work and snap me out of it – at least, temporarily – I’m gonna be highly upset.

UPDATE: I’m highly upset. No concert tonight. My car died. Won’t start even with jumper cables. Grr.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan