Depression | SecondHand Tryptophan

August 20th, 2008

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Thanks to Jessica of Black Belt Mama for guest blogging yesterday. Tomorrow it’s Miss Britt, my quitting partner.

Tomorrow night is another episode of SecondHand Radio. My guest for tomorrow is Brian Papa, who I met at BlogHer last month. Great guy and I hope you’ll join us, listen in, AND call in, too.

Showtime: Thursday, 10pm Eastern time

Show Link: http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/23738

Call-in Number: (724) 444-7444

Call ID: 23738

Don’t forget, too, that there are two shows on Talkshoe tonight that you don’t want to miss.

9pm Eastern - Clearly You’re Retarded with Britt and Adam

10pm Eastern - The Jester Show with Jester!

I also talked last week about the Talkshoe Live client, which you can download here. A number of people listening to SecondHand Radio during the live show weren’t aware there was a downloadable client, so I want to show you what it looks like.

Much different than the web page interface, which also works just fine. You can listen and participate either way, but I prefer Talkshoe Live. You can click on the picture below to view it full-size.

As you can see, the chat interface is very different than the usual scrolling text box that goes from bottom to top. This one scrolls from right to left and is more of a timeline sort of thing. Also, the default setting has whoever chats most recently pop to the top of the screen, so it’s easier to follow who says what when. Nobody gets lost down at the bottom of the screen.

Talkshoe Live also shows you who is on the phone - you can see that two people are on the call at the moment, but muted. I could go on and on about the cool things with Talkshoe Live. I highly recommend you download it and try it for yourself. Before the show begins, of course.

A little disorienting at first, but trust me, it feels a lot more natural once you get used to it.

So I’m two full days into the non-smoking thing and I have to say…it SUCKS. I can’t even describe to you how badly I want a smoke. Just one. Course, it wouldn’t end there. I know I’m addicted hard core, and like an alcoholic, it’s never just one. If it wasn’t for Twitter and email and Britt and the rest of you Quitterati, I would have caved on Day One.

This shit is HARD. Oh well.

My birthday is coming up next month - September 18th. As I mentioned in a recent video post, I am not above asking for birthday presents, cards, whatever. I added a Birthday countdown widget in the sidebar of my blog, along with a link to my Amazon Wishlist. Feel free, y’know, to use it.

With my 3rd Blogiversary coming up on August 25 - for 2HT, anyway - it has gotten me to thinking about previous blogs that led up to this point. I don’t think I have anything from when I was still back in Dallas, aside from the old humor zine I put out called The Cattle Prod. But I do still have my Blurty and Livejournal accounts, and those go back a ways. Thought I’d pull out some of the old posts and share them here, so you can see how far I’ve come.

Or not.

Here’s the very first entry from my old Blurty blog, which happens to be where I met Hilly way back when.

6th May 2003

6:43pm: Vuja De
Been here before, haven’t I? Course, last time I was journaling via the Web it was 7 years ago when I had my website…way before all this “b-log” stuff became so fashionable. I kept it up for a few years and still have it all somewhere on floppy diskette. (Do you kids know what those are? They were very popular at one time, similar to 8-track tapes for audio.)

Thought I’d start small just to get something up here. Been rather down lately, nothing too new there. I miss Dallas. Miss friends. Miss having a girlfriend. Sheesh, talk about your cookie-cutter malaise.

A great song by the Old 97’s has one of my all-time favorite lyrics:

I’ve thought so much about suicide
parts of me have already died

Beautiful. Friggin’ beautiful.

Current Mood: depressed

Then here’s one from July of that same year:

16th July 2003

10:47am: Crushing
In this morning’s paper, I discovered that the AD/HD Support Group in town has canceled their meetings for July and August. Guess nobody could remember them.

I get crushes on women far too easily. This is rather obvious, I suppose, but despite knowing this about myself, it doesn’t keep it from happening. The appealing thing about a place like Blurty is that I get to know the personalities of people without first assessing them by their looks. I get little crushes on the women behind the babish looks, without even knowing what most of them look like. I guess it’s because most of the people’s journals I read are rather smart and witty and warped, all the stuff I like in a person.

I don’t mean to elevate myself beyond the shallow end of the pool, because I’m probably just as shallow as most people. I’d like to think I was above such garbage, but I doubt I am. I like a pretty face as much as the next guy. But I don’t think I’m nearly as picky as I was, say, 10 years ago in my far shallower days. I recognize the importance of intellectual and emotional chemistry. After all, the physical stuff won’t be nearly as important when we’re both 90 years old. Still, I get a little weak-kneed when I spy a pretty girl across the room; more so when she glances back my way for a moment or two. I fantasize about what she smells like, how soft her lips are, all that crap. Then gravity pulls me back down to Earth and I spend most of the next hour (sometimes the next day) mentally kicking myself for not going over and talking to her.

I don’t even know what my point is in all this. Crushes. Yeah, they come easily to me. I love the way they feel.

And I despise them at the same time. They whisper of things I can’t have. Or things I’m too afraid to go for.

Hell, what’s the difference?

Current Mood: lonely

Then here’s one from January of 2004. Seems fitting to post this as I quit smoking. Again.

DeathWatch

mood: exhausted

My horoscope for today:

If you really need extra sleep, you’re tempted to get it early in the day while you’re already down. The problem with that approach would be a disrupted cycle at a time when things are picking up again. If events drag you out sooner than you’d prefer, make up for it with a reasonable bedtime. Meanwhile, people will be expecting you to make small sacrifices for the common good. If you have a low tolerance for stress, make your excuses and hope that they’ll be respected. After all, even you can’t do everything all the time.

Wow, how true is that?

I’m still awake after arriving back at my Mom’s at 11pm. I left Boca as soon as my bro-in-law got home. Went to eat at Subway with nanogirl, who had come over for a few hours while I finished babysitting. After being severely sleep-deprived (my own fault, really, I chose to spend maximum time with nanogirl), I promised her that I’d pick up a large coffee at Dunkin Donuts before hitting the Florida Turnpike for the 2-1/2 hour drive back to Sebring. It was a bit foggy, too, for most of the drive so I got to use my foglights. Still made good time (not that I was speeding or anything *cough*) despite leaving at almost 9pm.

Stepfather’s condition has spiraled downward incredibly the last few days. He can no longer swallow pills, which sucks because his long-acting morphine is amongst his many pills. So that means we’re down to all-liquid morphine…bad because while that stuff is fast-acting, it’s also a short-term med. Thus, he’s now being dosed hourly and Mom seems to be the only one capable of administering the stuff because it requires rubbing his throat and stuff to get him to swallow. She’s been setting a cooking timer for an hour every time she lays back down…the last 2 times she’s slept right through the thing. Understandable…she’s wiped. So I feel obliged to stay awake until she’s out of bed for good.

Watching him struggle for every breath, nothing but skin and bones, is awful. I’m trying to stay busy to keep myself as intellectually separated as I can. He’s been running a fever of 102 so he also has a cool washcloth on his forehead. He’s not moving in the least…when I left on Tuesday, he was still fidgeting regularly. Now he can’t even suck on a straw, so he hasn’t been drinking any water, aside what he’s been given with a syringe.

Mom and stepdad’s close friends (a couple they’ve known for a long time) stayed here nights while I was gone and once Mom went to bed they filled me in on how tough things have been. Mom had a major crying jag today while D held her. I haven’t seen her do that at all, but according to them, her strong facade now has major cracks in it. Mom and C went to lunch Wednesday when a hospice worker stayed here for a few hours. Mom went off on a waitress, which is so unlike her that I can’t even imagine such a thing. All of this is perfectly sensical, given the circumstances. I’ve just not seen her get emotional…my guess is she’s trying to put on a brave face for me. And I’m doing the same for her, of course…decades of emotional repression have given me great skills.

C said that she thinks stepdad is waiting on my sister and family to arrive before he dies. (They’re coming tomorrow.) I don’t really believe that…he’s so zoned out now and hasn’t been lucid since I left on Tuesday, so I seriously doubt he’s capable of functioning on that sort of level. The man, in my opinion, died earlier this week when he ceased being lucid. Now we’re just waiting for his body to catch up with the rest of the process.

I was honestly expecting a call from Mom before I came back, saying that he was dead. Somehow, he rang in the new year. It really is going to be any time.

I brought my suit and dress shoes this time because I know I’m going to need them very soon.

My New Year was good, surprisingly. I spent it, of course, with nanogirl, who I’m becoming increasingly fond of by leaps and bounds. I told her one of my scariest secrets (the one I mentioned in an earlier post) - the one I was sure would scare her off. But it didn’t. She was incredibly compassionate and sympathetic and said that it’s going to take more than that to get rid of her. I was speechless…and we just held each other for a while without saying a whole lot.

I’m so comfortable with her it’s scary. But despite my ability to stress over the good stuff, I think I may actually be happy from time to time now. I certainly enjoyed the holidays more than I have in quite a long time, and it’s thanks to her. Sappy perhaps, but holidays are really best when shared with someone special.

Posted on Jan. 2nd, 2004 at 04:19 am

My stepdad died about an hour after I wrote this, by the way.

Weird to look back on my old blogs. I really need to export those blogs to my hard drive before I even forget what the hell my user names are. I actually forgot my old Blurty name. Had to do a search for it.

Filed under 2HT Radio, Depression, quitting smoking | Comments (16)

August 18th, 2008

Well, that’s it. It’s after midnight. By now, I’m probably curled up into a fetal position in my bed, rocking back and forth, crying for my mommy. Or I might be all drugged up so I can sleep for a couple of months, preferably. Either way, you can be damn sure - tired as I may be - that I stayed awake until the stroke of midnight to enjoy one last puff.

Then it’s patches and gum. And lots of water. And jerking off, probably. And sleeping…always with the sleeping.

You might want to steer clear of me for a few days. I’m just sayin’.

Thanks for all the love and support from yesterday’s video post. I’m taking my meds, checking my sugars, taking my insulin. Last time I checked, my sugar was 137. Much better than the day before.

The Summer of Love continues tomorrow. Only two weeks left. This week we have three more superstars:

Tuesday - Black Belt Mama

Thursday - Miss Britt

Saturday - Avitable

I’ve actually got one more open slot, as it turns out. It’s not a big deal, but if I really want to round out the month - and I’m a little anal that way - August 30th (a Saturday) is open. If you’re interested, let me know. My domain email is still on the fritz so email me at southernyank01@gmail.com if you like.

And now, a little ode to celebrate my last cigarette. Much shorter video, by the way. I know, I don’t usually do short.

Filed under Depression, Local Goings On, Weblogs, quitting smoking | Comments (39)

August 17th, 2008

Thanks to Poppy for participating in the Summer of Love yesterday. Great post (including the porn!) and it brought me some laughter. Always welcome.

By now, you’ve probably created your own Manga avatar. It’s the latest and greatest thing. Just look on Twitter and you’ll see tons of cartoon likenesses.

Here’s mine:

For those of you that want to join in on the fun, go to Faceyourmanga.com - It’s pretty easy to use.

But here’s the newest thing I’ve found. It’s all about Yearbooking yourself. Thanks to the lovely Angela Gunn, I found this cool little site. Yeah, it’s integrated in with some mall shopping, but you don’t really have to mess with that aspect of it.

I now take you through the decades.

I’m really digging the threads and particularly my awesome mullet in the last photo. So yeah, go to yearbookyourself.com and have some fun.

I give you that fun stuff before I get to the depressing stuff. My depression is hitting me the last couple of days. And today - being my final day of smoking - I went with a video blog post that is sure to have people rolling their eyes and slitting their wrists. OK, maybe it’s not THAT bad, but still.

Here’s the vid:

Karl Waxes on About Crap from Karl Erikson on Vimeo.