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So yeah, yesterday’s post. Wow, I just want to thank you all for your comments. Much appreciated.

Some of you mentioned that they thought the newspaper would change its mind and ask me to come back. And that I should ask for a raise and better benefits.

It’s important to note that I was not an employee of the paper. As I mentioned in yesterday’s comments, I was merely a columnist, a paid contractor. So there were no benefits involved. This was not a full-time job.

I think the most commonly-asked questions posed to me is this one: “Karl, what exactly is it you do for a living?”

And now, I digress.

I love it when people say they laugh their ass off at one of my posts. Better yet, if someone spews coffee out their nose…awesome. But most of you that have read me for any length of time know that there’s an awful lot of crap going on in between my ears. I face the effects of severe depression on a daily basis. You’d better believe that I don’t want to post at least half of the time.

Now many of you will say that I shouldn’t blog if I don’t want to blog. That it takes away the entire point of blogging, which is to express yourself and really enjoy the experience. Well, that may be fine for you. Maybe you’re not a daily publisher. That’s fine. But it’s not fine for me. I really need to be writing every day. It’s more than just therapeutic. I may be horsing around most of the time here, but it really is important for me to put my stuff out there, to reach out, to interact.

I live in a rather small town. I know very few people. I don’t get out very much. This may be sad, but it’s a fact. The bulk of my friendships are online.

And I have blogged about this work thing in years past, but never here, never amongst YOU. I’ve thought about this for quite a while and with TequilaCon coming in the next few weeks, I know I’m going to have to answer this again and again and come up with some generic answer.

What exactly do I do for a living?

That’s just it, the truth is I don’t do anything.

I’ve been on Social Security disability for nearly 10 years now. God, has it really been that long? *sigh* I had a huge mental meltdown 10 years ago and immediately entered an intensive outpatient program (group therapy) five days a week…for two fucking years. YEARS.

Diagnosis: PTSD, severe depressive disorder, bipolar disorder

I’ll likely write about my financial implosion during my initial period of short-term disability later. For now, I’ll just say I had to fight for over a year and a half with the insurance company. I went from making nearly $100,000 a year to getting handouts at the local food shelter within twelve months. It wasn’t fun, especially while I was fighting major demons.

I got the SSDI and I haven’t been back to work since. Not really. I tried going back to work (technical writing) again in 2000 for about four months and got fired. I was really not able to focus and wasn’t doing my best work, to be sure.

So the newspaper column? The one I got fired from after 2-1/2 years, that was my ONLY job.

I hate this about myself. It’s embarrassing as hell. The fact is I want to work, but I’m terrified at the prospect of trying to get myself another “real job.” What if I’m just that fucked up that I CAN’T go back to work? Like…ever? This is where my self-worth comes into question. I’m a master at self-sabotage, I’ve pioneered new techniques, believe me.

So how does Karl make his living? He pretty much doesn’t.

Argh. Anyway, now you know. I have lots of time on my hands. All the better to torture myself.

I’m not looking for pity here, that’s not what this is about. I’m just tired of keeping it a secret.

I’ve been thinking about it ever since yesterday, what’s bringing me so down all of a sudden? I’ve been bummed lately, anyway, and the newspaper column only added to it. Cus, you know, that was one of those things that meant I was almost normal. Now you know why I’m pretty bummed about losing a once-a-week column.

Fuck, who needs a drink?

By the way, this is one of those times I feel like just hibernating and withdrawing from all things online. But I’m not gonna do it. Screw that.

Still, I’ll take a drink.

Filed under Depression | Comments (46)

Dr. Shrink: "Mr. Erikson, how are you today?"

Me: "Meh. Same shit, different day."

Shrink: "I see you're on various medications."

Me: "Life is a drug cocktail, doc."

Shrink: "Yes, well, are they managing your depression?"

Me: "Lately, not so much."

Shrink: "Are you suicidal?"

Me: (sigh) "No, I'm not going to kill myself. Yes, I think about it. No, I don't have an actual plan."

Shrink: "But…you're not suicidal."

Me: "Right."

Shrink: "But you think about it."

Me: "Well, sure."

Shrink: "Like how do you think about it?"

Me: "In my head, how else can you think about it?"

Shrink: "No, I mean in what ways do you think about it?"

Me: "Well, I don't exactly think about killing myself as much as I do think about all the ways I can die."

Shrink: "For example?"

Me: "Well, I could fall off of an overpass and then get hit by a Mack truck. I mean, I couldn't do it around here, of course. No overpass."

Shrink: "How else?"

Me: "There's always hanging, but I'd be worried it wouldn't take. Then I'd be paralyzed from the neck down."

Shrink: "That would be unfortunate."

Me: "Seriously. Then I couldn't even masturbate. Hell, couldn't even feel a blowjob. Hanging, definitely out."

Shrink: "You've given this a great deal of thought."

Me: "I've had decades of practice."

Shrink: "Do you find yourself afraid a lot?"

Me: "Afraid? Sure."

Shrink: "Afraid of what?"

Me: "What have you got? Ha, I kid. Hell, I don't know. Lots. People. Being alone the rest of my life."

Shrink: "You're afraid of people AND afraid of being alone?"

Me: (laughs) "Yeah, I'm some piece of work, right?"

Shrink: "You're what we in the industry call…fucked."

Me: "Welcome to my world."

Filed under Depression | Comments (26)

I’m an amazing guy. Ask anyone. I try to mask my amazingness, but it tends to bubble over just like pasta water. What? You don’t have your pasta water boil over?

The thing is, as many of you know, that my awesomeness is often hidden due to my freaking depression. I’ve read a few posts over the last week from various bloggers - some new to me, some not - about the whole self-esteem thing. For some, the esteem tends to melt away some days, fucking with the best of people. I can relate. I’m not filled with self-esteem, either.

I’m often found sitting at home, too freaked by the notion of leaving the house, let alone actually being amongst real people. Yes, I force myself to get out, and yes, I can put on a fairly decent act. But as you can tell (from #2 on my recent "Pictures are Worth 1,000 Words" post), I’m sharp and witty on the outside, shaking on the inside. Yeah…give the guy a radio show.

Sure, I’m lonely. I barely know anyone in this little town. I’d love to have a girlfriend. It’s been quite a while, since last summer, in fact. But how the fuck am I supposed to meet that special someone when I’m so screwed up? I can’t answer that. I can only hope that I’m filled with a temporary lull of gigantic self-esteem so that when she crosses my path, I’ll notice and act.

Hell, if I go to a bar it’s always by myself. There’s some odd sense of comfort in surrounding myself with people but not having to interact with anyone. And how feasible is it to find someone in a bar, anyway?

I don’t know what spurred me to write this. I guess I just wanted some friends to know that I can really relate to their plights. Plus, I feel obligated to blog every day whether I want to or not. This is cathartic. and shit.

One other thing. I never, EVER pull posts once they’re published. You may think that’s brave, but it’s really all about me (as usual). If I were to pull a post - any post - I’d be second-guessing myself all the time and pulling shit left and right. Uh uh. Once it’s up, it stays, regardless of how ridiculous I look.

I’m just lucky I don’t get a lot of trolls commenting up a shitstorm. Bastards. Leave my friends alone.

Can you tell I’m in a downspell right now? Yep, not fun in my head at the moment. The dichotomous shitstorm, I call it. Days like these I tend to withdraw and isolate, but I’m not gonna do that.

In cheerier news, I’m told from my lovely designer, Karen, that what we’re waiting on for the new blog is the upgrade to Wordpress to pop out through the InterTubes. May as well wait for the latest and greatest. Once that’s done, I’ll forward the domain over to the new blog and we’ll be in business. 2HT2.0

Right…saving. Publishing.

Not. pulling.

Filed under Depression, Local Goings On | Comments (24)