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I’m Whit, and I’ll be your captain today.  That’ll be $15 per bag, thank you.

Apparently a lot of people have been sweating to the oldies over the pressures of guest blogging for Karl. Me? I’m as cool as the other side of the pillow.  I have this thing about never letting them see me sweat.  I take no stance on letting them hear me fart.  It’s a free countries.

Truth be told I didn’t sweat it because I didn’t give it a lot of thought (as you’ll soon realize).  This isn’t a sign of disrespect to Karl, I’ll do that later.  No, it’s just how I roll.  If you’ve ever been bored enough to check out my blog then you know I’m not much for points.  I think round is funny.  This is why you’ll actually enjoy all of the other posts while finding this one to be a bit “lacking.”

The thing is, I was born a rambling man.  I’m trying to make a living, just doing the best I can.  Karl said to make ourselves at home, so I have.  That being the case I’m going to open a beer and get to work on my not having a point.  It’s harder than it sounds (Yes, that really is what she said.)

*****
Did you know that Karl went to BlogHer?  I understand they make you check your penis at the door.  I’m sure that was no problem for Karl, he’ll check his penis anywhere.  And often.

I almost went.  Hell, I even tried to invite myself to carpool with Karl and Ms. Hilly (and offered to stay on their floor- for FREE!), but they wouldn’t have it.  They needed all the extra room for Karl’s t-shirts and his weed.

It’s just as well.  Karl needed a wingman and I’m more of a kamikaze drinker/pilot.  I picture Karl as more of the fly over type- the kind of guy that wouldn’t think twice about buzzing your tower.  Whatever that means.  I wouldn’t have done much for his game.  He’s all about the approach and I’m all about the landing- or something like that.  We’d be like Iceman and Maverick.  Of course the real loser would be the ladies (and Goose).

Besides, my wife said I could only go if I promised not to have sex with anyone.  I know, that’s bullshit.

Hence, I stayed home and got some work done.

For instance, on Thursday night, just as I should have been checking into my friends’ San Francisco hotel room and getting my blog on I had to go cover a party for one of my jobs.  That’s right, I have multiple gigs.  I’m a freaking catch.

I had to go sit in the sun on the Santa Monica Pier and interview a Victoria’s Secret model.  It was almost 80 degrees out!   What the hell?  Working sucks.

Then they made me stand around in a VIP tent for hours and drink free beer.  Can you believe that shit?  Who the hell do Victoria’s Secret think they are?  Hertz?

I actually did have one serious issue.  At one point I was unable to get to the open bar because Fall Out Boy was standing between me and an icy, cold one.  I had to wait 15 MINUTES while Pete Wentz talked about something and Ashlee Simpson adjusted her headband.  Christ, Wentz, that beer wasn’t going to drink itself.

Still, the weekend wasn’t a total loss.  I did get to see Space Chimps.  I took my boys and between the three of us I believe we actually bankrolled the entire movie.  The chimps themselves were drawn well and their dialogue was funny enough, although none of the other adults in the theater seemed to get the David Bowie jokes or Airplane! quotes.  No accounting for taste.

The rest of the movie looked, sounded, and felt like it had been created by a bunch of 3rd graders with finger paint and just a touch of acid.  It was shocking how crappy most of it was.  Look, I’m as spoiled by Pixar as the next guy, but at least try.

Of course it featured the obligatory voice work of Patrick Warburton who better be careful or he’ll soon find himself picking up all of Eddie Murphy’s discards- which I can only imagine are better than what he’s been making.  Meet Dave?  That ain’t Delirious.

I’m thinking about having Warburton come hide behind my couch and make guests think that my dog can talk.  I have no doubts that he’d do it, it’s just a matter of convincing the dog.

I also saw some movie about a guy that dresses up as a bat.  Like people will pay to watch that crap.  Hollywood is way high.  Like Karl high.

So now the weekend is over and I’ve eased back into my work week, unshaven, unshowered and unpantsed.  You know, the uniform.

Karl is just a little more than a hundred miles away right now and I can’t help but think that he might call.  We could grab a beer and wear t-shirts together.  I could let him listen to the Victoria Secret’s model on my voicemail.  He could hear my dog talk.  We could even take acid and finger paint a sequel to Space Chimps and count how many times one of us says, “Your days of finger painting Mary Jane Rotten Crotch through her pretty pink panties are over.”  Guy stuff.

Bottom line, if I had tits he would have been here an hour ago.

It is now safe to move around the cabin.

Filed under BlogHer, Blogging, Current Affairs, Guest Post, Humor, Sex, Travel | Comments (14)

Oh my God, the headache is back something fierce and I’m ready to amputate my head to be done with it. I may try to see if I can get into the chiropractor tomorrow. I’m hoping he can, and maybe can give me some power drugs to make me forget I’m human, let alone the fact that I have a headache.

So tomorrow I’m driving back to Britt’s house in the afternoon. I’ll stay there overnight so that Britt and I can hit the Orlando airport Friday morning for our trip to NYC. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I’ve decided against taking my laptop on the trip. We’re going to be there for 48 hours and I’m sure there will be very little time to surf the Net and check email. I had absolutely no time for my computer at TequilaCon last month, so why bother bringing along another bag?

I’ve written my posts for Saturday and Sunday. I may write one for Monday, too, just in case. In fact, yes, I will. I just looked at the ticket information and we don’t arrive back in Orlando until 11:45pm Sunday night. Hope Britt will let me sleep over again Sunday night because I don’t want to drive back home for two hours after we get our luggage.

Now’s a good time, I guess, to see if any of you readers live in New York City and want to hook up this weekend. Let me know. I’ve already touched base with Neil, who is currently growing his testicles in New York, while he ponders life and the universe and everything.

So if you’re in the area and want to get together, leave me a comment, send me an email, or call my cell if you’re one of the luckiest people in the world and you have my number.

And now for something from the “What a Fucking Moron” Department.

This kid, 18 years old and freshly graduated from high school, here in Florida was hanging with some of his buddies the other night. They were drinking, but he claims that wasn’t a factor in what happened.

He’s partying near Lake Okechobee (45 minutes from my house), right? It’s two in the morning and this rocket scientist decides it’s a great idea to go swimming in the lake (actually one of the channels associated with the lake).

The lake that is (like many in Florida) chock full of alligators. Alligators that primarily do their hunting at night because they’re all gatory that way.

So what happens? Surprise! An alligator chomps down on his arm and tries to drag him under the water and do a “death roll.” The boy grabs onto a buoy and manages to hang on, despite the gator bringing him under water five times.

The gator bit the kid’s arm off and when the authorities found the gator later on, the arm was far too mangled to try and reattach it.

You can watch the video of Mr. Brightside by clicking on the picture above (or right here).

It’s a shame the fucking alligator didn’t bite the kid’s head off. Survival of the fittest, after all. Clearly the gator was smarter than the kid.

Here’s a clue for any of you thinking about visiting Florida. We really DO have alligators here. It’s not just something you see on television. They’re all over the place and reside in most lakes. Don’t go swimming in a lake, especially not at two in the morning when the gators are searching for food.

And morons.

Filed under Current Affairs, Local Goings On, Travel | Comments (34)

Right, so this is the first post on the new 2HT site that I’m writing myself. So far, so good. Love, love, love the new design and can’t thank Karen enough.

There are bound to be some kinks to work out. Some of the posts that were imported from the old 2HT site wound up being all wonky format-wise. Weird line breaks in the middle of sentences, etc. I’m not about to go checking every post, of course. There are other fish to fry, at least on the front burner.

I’m digging Wordpress thus far. As far as the post-writing goes, it’s pretty easy to use. I’m sure there will be some moderate swearing going on as I wonder “how do I do this?” but I’m not all that concerned about it.

And the header with the pipe-smoking? Well, there’s the 2HT history for you. When Hilly came up with my original header graphic, she brilliantly picked the smoking guy, since I told her I wanted to somehow utilize the molecular structure for tryptophan in the graphic. (Thanks to Dave for that idea, btw.) Get it? SecondHand smoke? SecondHand Tryptophan? Yeah, that’s probably not the explanation you were hoping for, but that’s basically the story about that.

Plus, yeah, I currently smoke. I’m quitting (again) but not until my huge social endeavors at TequilaCon. Can’t do it. I know, I know. Shoot me.

The next thing I want to talk about is Lisa (Clusterfook). In case you haven’t heard, Lisa recently announced that she has cancer. Again. I’ve only recently discovered Lisa, yet this is still heartbreaking news for me. She’s beaten cancer twice before and that takes a toll not only on her, but the entire family.

Miss Ann Thrope (another new one for me) has organized a big fundraiser to help send Lisa and her family on a Disneyland vacation. They’re looking to raise thousands of dollars to make this happen. I just talked about all the bloggity goodness out there, how bloggers rally together for each other at a moment’s notice. This is one of those times.

I’m not rolling in dough, that’s for sure, but I do chip in when I can. Hope you will, too.

And there are lots of prizes available, so when you check out Miss Ann Thrope’s page, you can see all the lovely things that people have chipped in.

Finally, it’s April and time for the 2008 Grassroots Blogger Book Marketing Campaign, organized by the beloved Kapgar. This month, bloggers everywhere are going to discuss sex in order to promote Carly’s book, “Sexology.”

I signed up immediately, without even knowing what the deal was. I mean, it’s SEX. Come on! Better yet, this entire affair will be helping raise money for RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network). There’s the Sexology graphic in my sidebar and you should click on it to see Kevin’s page about the project.

Here’s a description of RAINN, as seen on Kevin’s project page:

About RAINN:
The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network is the nation’s largest anti-sexual assault organization. RAINN operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline with a nationwide partnership of more than 1,100 local rape treatment hotlines, providing victims of sexual assault with free, confidential services around the clock. The hotline helped 137,039 sexual assault victims in 2005 and has helped more than one million since it began in 1994. RAINN’s goal is to expand its hotline services with the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline, which will be the nation’s first secure web-based hotline that provides live, secure and completely confidential help to victims 24/7 through an interface as intuitive as instant messaging. RAINN educates more than 120 million Americans each year about sexual assault. RAINN also publicizes the hotline’s free, confidential services; educates the public about sexual assault; and leads national efforts to improve services to victims and ensure that rapists are brought to justice. RAINN is the nation’s largest anti-sexual assault organization and has been ranked as one of America’s 100 Best Charities by Worth Magazine.

There are prizes galore and I think you can sign up thru the 15th of the month. And you can view the list of participants here. Because of all the changes here at 2HT, I plan on making my first GBBMC post tomorrow.

I’m pretty jazzed about this. It was two years ago that 40 or so of us bloggers signed up for the first GBBMC with the Lost Blogs Project. In fact, that’s when I met Kevin and Dave and Sandra and a ton of other bloggers. I’ll be going through the participants page and adding all of them to my feedreader (those that aren’t already in there). Actually, I still have a “Lost Bloggers” folder in the feedreader.

You’ll see donation links for RAINN in every post this month. I’d love it if you’d donate through 2HT, of course, but donate any way you can. (Especially if you mention me when you donate.)

What I DO ask if you donate is that you use the NOTE section on the donation page. Please mention specifically that you’re donating on behalf of the GBBMC2008 project. Also, if you don’t mind, list my name and blog address (secondhandkarl.com) in the note. That way they can more easily keep track of all the money that comes in during the month of April.

Frankly, this is something I feel very strongly about, having my own personal shit experience. But that’s for another day.

Thanks! You all rock to the nth degree.

Filed under 2HT Mentions, Books, Current Affairs, GBMMC2008, Weblogs | Comments (17)