Thanks to all of you that sent in entries for the Funniest Sex Story contest. We had eight funny stories. They’ve all been read and the votes are in. Thanks to Shannon, Mike, and Janet, my amazing judges.

The Runner-Up is Sandi, who wins a special prize from the SecondHand TryptoGear store:

As a diligent public servant, I worked as a court clerk in a public safety building which consisted of only 2 stories. Rumors were rampant as police, fire, and the courts were all in 1 building, and well, boys will be boys. I kept my nose clean and my reputation cleaner refusing to “fish off my own pier.”

I had been dating someone in the legal field, which often brought them to the building several times a week. As our relationship intensified (got closer to having sex), one day 3 dozen long stem roses were delivered to my office, to celebrate our 3 weeks of dating and his 3 weeks of waiting. This of course caused quite a bit of ruckus in the rumor mill and secretaries to cops were putting out APB’s trying to figure out just what innocent little me could have done to receive 3 dozen roses.

Shortly thereafter, he arrived at my office with a single rose. He had paid his penance and waited quite gallantly. We used the NEVER used elevator since the building was only 2 stories, pushed the emergency stop button, and I began to show my appreciation for the flowers. However, a building full of firemen and cops that hear an emergency bell tend to come running quickly, and our episode was cut short. It was clear to the huge crowd when we exited the elevator either something of a sexual nature had/was going to happen or this young man had a subway sandwich in his pants.

Embarrassed highly – but not thwarted – our hormones took over once we entered my office just off the courtroom. It was a Tuesday, meaning no court, no judge, empty huge room with solid furniture. I slipped on the judges robe (why? who the fuck knows? I was horny) and we began to “make mad passionate rulings” right there on top of the judges mahogany bench.

I had the gavel in my hand and it was just insane crazy good shit, like when you haven’t eaten in a week and you eat a cracker. Yeah, damn good cracker. We were letting loose over a month’s worth of pent up sexual anxiety and tension and it was awesome. Well until the point the mayor and the local news crew with cameras rolling came thru the court room double doors and looked straight at us.

Yeah, apparently it was “student government day” and there was a high school boy shadowing the mayor and the stupid TV News thought that was a worthy story. As the mayor was showing this kid around his kingdom, I don’t think they thought they would run across a court clerk being pounded on the judges bench with cameras rolling.

Much to my pleasure, the local news was kind enough (paid off) and didn’t air the story. The guy I was dating sent more flowers but I just knew it would never be as good as it was that day so I dumped him. Plus, the mayor kind of said something about conflict of interest. Oh yeah, I had to have the judge’s robe cleaned and apologize …that sucked.

And the Winner of the $25 gift certificate from Eden Fantasys is…

Certifiable Princess! Congrats, CP. Here’s her story:

So there I was, minding my own business.

No. Really. I was.

“Minding my own business” is probably a very polite way of saying “so I was in front of the computer, getting myself off, when all of a sudden…”

Oh yeah. Like you don’t. Pffft. Whatever.

Let me take you back, back, back…way back, to a time before the hotband was in the picture. To a time when internet porn reigned supreme in my life, because frankly A) I was checking out women, not men, B) The ex was a little lacking in the “give it to me night and day, baby” department and finally C) I don’t know. I was bored, it was there.

Again. Don’t judge me. You know damn well you do it too. You just don’t admit it on your blogs.

So there I am, in my computer chair. No kids at home. No (ex) husband was home at the time. It was just me, my computer and my portable little friend, Buzz Lightyear.

*blinks* Yeah. Like you don’t have a name for your vibrators (and/or penises!).

Lawdy, so judgmental!

I am pullin’ up some sweetass lesbo porn, a few threesomes, some gangbangs, couple of upskirts…you know, your average male porn, except it was being enjoyed by me…a female. Isn’t that so erotic? *eye roll* (I can literally hear my hotband panting all the way from NYC) *snort* HONEY! You’ve heard this story already. Get over it.

Anyway, when I feel I am primed and supremely ready for the thrills to begin, CLICK! On goes Buzz Lightyear! Yes! TAKE ME THERE! To Infinity…and BEYOND! Mouse in the right hand, Buzz in my left (yes, I am ambidextrous. I am also sodium free and low in monotriglycerides) and going to funky town! Wee hoo! When all of a sudden…

*snap*

My nail breaks.

Now, most women would have ignored this completely and continued with their quest to find the honeypot, the top of the mountain, the promised land. Nope. Not me. I cannot bear to look at the brunette babe, spread-eagle in front of me, a vision of celluloid perfection…WHILE I AM SPORTING A BROKEN NAIL! No. The Jewish princess in me takes over. This simply will not do. I mean, come on. How tacky is this? I won’t even look at porn that has a poorly manicured or pedicured model. It’s not that I am a porn snob, it’s just that I am…well, okay, so I’m a porn snob. But if I expect the most from my porn, then dammit, I will be nothing less than perfect when I cum too!

I place Buzz down on my bare lap, pants down around my ankles and lean down to my purse to get out my nail glue.

SQUEEZE.

Nothing.

SQUEEZE.

Nothing.

*stab stab stab the top of the tube of glue with safety pin and SQQQQQQQUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEZE…*

SPLOOGE!

Crazy glue explodes everywhere. I drop my fingernail. Bends over to pick up said fingernail, gluing her extremely large tits to the crazy glue that has pooled in my lap.

“SHIT!” I exclaim.

“Bzzzzzzz,” replies Buzz Lightyear with a muffled cry from below my mammaries.

“HA!” snorts extremely hot brunette spread eagle on my computer screen. If she could be laughing at me, she would be.

“What the fuck could be worse than this,” I think aloud, while trying to dislodge her vibrator from between her nipple and her labia.

*sound of garage door opening*

“HOLY FUCK,” I shriek, and jump jump jump, bent over, ass out, tits glued to thighs, into my bathroom and turn on the shower.

“Honey,” says the (ex) husband, “are you here?”

“I’m in the shower,” I call back.

“But I’m here,” says the hot brunette still dangling on the computer screen.

Fuck.

It was sort of hard explaining to my (ex) husband why there was a naked woman on my computer monitor.

“There was??? Really???” I feign complete ignorance. “Oh my gosh, someone must have sent me a virus.”

*blink. blink*

After 8 years, I think the patch of skin on my upper thigh is finally the same color as the rest of my thigh. For a long time, I had a tell-tale dildo shaped white spot where my tan tore away in the shape of my vibrator.

I now refer to it as my “birthmark”. It’s this version of the story that allows me to keep my PTA membership intact.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

CONTEST

Eden Fantasys is providing me with a prize to give away to you, my lovely, dirty readers. It’s a $25 gift certificate to their shop, and believe me when I tell you, there are lots of things for girls and guys alike in that store. You could even use that $25 toward their Kissa glass vibrator. It’s waterproof and everything.

RULES

1. Email me your funniest sex stories. I want the stuff that makes me spit beer through my nose. Confusing super glue for lube is tragic, by the way, not especially funny. Email your stories to karl at secondhandkarl dot com. Be sure to put Crazy Sex Story in the SUBJECT.

2. Deadline is MIDNIGHT on Wednesday, March 24. That’s just before we officially hit Thursday. Don’t be late.

3. One entry per person, please.

4. I will not be judging the contest. Instead, I have chosen three remarkable individuals to read the stories and come up with a winner and a runner-up. The judges are: Michel (LeSombre), Shannon (Bubblewench), and Janet (IzzyMom). They won’t see the names or emails of the people sending the stories, just the stories themselves.

5. Funniest story receives the $25 gift certificate to Eden Fantasys. Runner-up will receive a special prize from the SecondHand TryptoGear store. It might even contain a peek at the new 2HT design, coming to a browser near you very soon.

So…get to writing. Make us laugh with your dirty, dirty self.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

Tonight at 10pm Eastern, it’s SecondHand Radio with my guest Father Muskrat, who you can find on Twitter here. I met the man at BlogHer ‘09 and enjoyed his company a lot. Course, that was before I learned he has a giant tallywhacker. Now I feel slightly threatened. Nevertheless, the show must go on.

Sadly, I just learned BlogHer is sold out, so it’s pretty much a given me and my offensive t-shirts won’t be there this year. Damn unemployment.

Showtime: 10:00 PM EST, 9PM Central, 8PM Mountain, 7PM Pacific. Chatroom opens 15 minutes before showtime.

Call-In Number: 724-444-7444, Call ID 23738

Show Link: http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/23738

List of future guests can be found here.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED: To avoid browser problems (which some people tend to have with Talkshoe), you should do the following:

1. REGISTER AT TALKSHOE BEFORE THE SHOW.

2. DOWNLOAD THE TALKSHOE CLIENT.

3. If you have trouble logging in, feel free to call in and I’ll leave you on mute. You can listen to the show live that way.

The Talkshoe Live client works great and (for my money, though it’s free) offers a better chatroom experience.

Look forward to seeing you all there tonight. You’re all welcome to call in and chat.

CONTEST

Eden Fantasys is providing me with a prize to give away to you, my lovely, dirty readers. It’s a $25 gift certificate to their shop, and believe me when I tell you, there are lots of things for girls and guys alike in that store. I may own some things myself. What? A boy likes a hot pink vibrator. Don’t judge.

You could even use that $25 toward their Kissa glass vibrator. It’s waterproof and everything.

RULES

1. Email me your funniest sex stories. I want the stuff that makes me spit beer through my nose. Confusing super glue for lube is tragic, by the way, not especially funny. Email your stories to karl at secondhandkarl dot com. Be sure to put Crazy Sex Story in the SUBJECT.

2. Deadline is MIDNIGHT on Wednesday, March 24. That’s just before we officially hit Thursday. Don’t be late.

3. One entry per person, please.

4. I will not be judging the contest. Instead, I have chosen three remarkable individuals to read the stories and come up with a winner and a runner-up. The judges are: Michel (LeSombre), Shannon (Bubblewench), and Janet (IzzyMom). They won’t see the names or emails of the people sending the stories, just the stories themselves.

5. Funniest story receives the $25 gift certificate to Eden Fantasys. Runner-up will receive a special prize from the SecondHand TryptoGear store. It might even contain a peek at the new 2HT design, coming to a browser near you very soon.

So…get to writing. Make us laugh with your dirty, dirty self.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

First off, I’m honored to have been included in today’s edition of Five Star Friday. It’s my first time there and, naturally, it’s my post about suicidal thoughts that got me there. Not the funny, no…it’s all this emo shit that seems to be hitting home with some people. Go figure. Thanks for thinking of me, means a lot.

CONTEST

Next, here’s your chance to win a $25 gift certificate from Eden Fantasies. Go over to Shannon’s blog here. Read the post/rules. Email her your biggest sex disaster story, and you could win. I’m one of the judges, so make it good. Contest closes at midnight on Sunday (Central time).

Go. NOW. ENTER.

I keep skipping the Tai Chi class, but tomorrow at 9:15 I’m hitting it. Did another 30 minutes on treadmill today. So many machines in the Y, and that’s the one I’m comfortable with. I’m so out of shape, I could probably hit nothing but the treadmill every day and be good.

That’s it for today. Not feeling very creative. Not feeling very anything, really, except lazy and like sleeping the day away. But sleep isn’t coming easily.

Later. Have a good weekend.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

Tonight, my guest on SecondHand Radio is none other than the beautiful ChurchPunkMom, who sometimes goes by the odd name Megan. I met Megan at BlogHer ‘09 in Chicago, but we’ve been friends on Twitter for a while now. She claims to be married to some dude named OnlyAman. I’m pretty sure she’s faking, though. It’s because she’s terrified of this all-consuming love she has for me, I think.

She’s a mom of FIVE kids, home schools them all. She’s geeky and cool and funny. And wears specs, which is hotness x10.

And she’ll be talking to me tonight, live, at 10 PM EST. Don’t miss it. Go check out the 2HRadio info page, download the Talkshoe client, and prepare yourself for fun chatroom action mixed with live conversation…where YOU can call in and talk to Megan and me.

GIVEAWAY!

Plus, tonight I’ll be giving away a free copy of the new iPhone/iPod Touch game, Texas Tea! Thanks to my buddy Gerald at Snakehead Software, I have a free game code to give away for iTunes that’ll automatically have you downloading Texas Tea. That’s a 99-cent value!

I don’t know how long he’ll keep it at 99 cents, but I just downloaded it myself and I can see messing with this game a lot. It’s pretty addictive. Hope you’ll try it out and support one of my old high school friends. Y’know, if you have an iPhone or iPod Touch. It’s only 99 cents! Did I mention that?

From the press release: “If you like games such as Bejeweled, Jewel Quest II, Trism, Yahtzee and Poker, you’ll love Texas Tea™.  It’s an addictive game!”

I’ll be randomly selecting a winner from the chatroom tonight. Not sure how yet, but I’ll probably ask who amongst you has an iPhone or iPod Touch and then randomly select someone to win the game code.

Hope to see you there. Tell all your friends.

Showtime: 10PM EST, 9PM Central, 7PM Pacific

Show Link: http://talkshoe.com/tc/23738

Call-In Number: (724) 444-7444, Call ID 23738

Subscribe to 2HRadio in iTunes!

Shedule of Future Guests available on Info page

ALSO, we start Monday episodes next week! My first guest is Shauna Glenn, 10 PM EST this Monday night.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

So there’s Black Belt Mama’s Summer Serenade Contest going on. Someone you know (cough cough hint hint) might be participating with a video. Go vote. I think it’ll very clear WHO you should be voting FOR.

So my mom left this morning before I awoke. She’s outta here for a week, off in Daytona Beach doing arsty craftsy drunky retreaty things with some of her lady friends.

Yeah.

I have the whole house to myself. (This is the part where you say, “Karl is the only fucking nearly 43-year-old in the world that can pull off living with his mother and make it look cool.”)

There will be hookers, drinking, smoking, narcotics, copious amounts of Brittinis, Rastafarianism, orgies that make Caligula look like a virgin, rocking music, lambs and lions getting it on together, breaking of windows, flatulent pyrotechnics, bongs made of Mountain Dew Code Red cans. All for the next. four. days.

You know, till Thursday morning when I leave for Birmingham for KimBerday. That’s gonna be a whole OTHER orgy. My mother may come home to a smoldering crater in the ground. But what a way to go.

PS: You HAVE submitted some dares for my annual Birthday Dares, right? Go. Now. Prizes. Crazy videos. Probable need for me to display my balls for the 4th (?) time. Tell your friends. PLEASE. I need LOTS of dares to choose from!

PPS: This Thursday on SecondHand Radio my guest is the infamous Danny Evans of Dad Gone Mad. Author. Humorist. Swell guy. If you have any questions for Danny, you can submit them here in the comments. Or better yet, show up live Thursday night at 10 EST and ask him yourself.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

Hope everyone had a great Father’s Day, whether you’re a dad or a dad-to-be or you just spent the day WITH your dad.

Thanks to everyone who entered the contest over the weekend for a free membership to Picnik.com. I drew the winners yesterday afternoon after 5, using random.org to randomly generate two numbers between 1 and 26 and came up with the following two winners:

• Lori Norton
• Mikkie

So congratulations to Lori and Mikkie! They win free 6-month premium memberships to Picnik and I’m sure they’ll be making lots of fun images. And my thanks to Picnik for providing those free memberships for me to give away.

Yesterday I went to go see “The Proposal” with my mom for Father’s Day. I’ve really been wanting to see “The Hangover,” but I thought the subtle humor might escape my mother, so we did the Sandra Bullock movie. Which I didn’t really mind, because I like Sandra Bullock.

Plus, you can’t go wrong with Betty White. Like Dave2, I have a major crush on Betty. And the movie also had Craig T. Nelson, Mary Steenburgen, and Ryan Reynolds, who really is very good in the movie.

Predicatable, as all romantic comedies are, but very fun and enjoyable. Great date movie, I’d think. Y’know, if I had things like dates. Mom loved it, too.

This week, I’m seeing “The Hangover” if it kills me. Not today, of course. Today I’m working hard at getting my ass to work again. I’ve been fitful since February and that isn’t helping me or anyone else. Because, you know, the gossip never sleeps.

For those of you that are new to 2HT, I write gossip for Famecrawler.com. And I appreciate everyone who clicks through on my stories because that’s my bread and butter right there.

You can see all the stories I write there with this link. And every time you click on one of my headlines, Daddy gets closer to buying a new pair of shoes. Digg and Stumble those stories and I’ll love you forever.

And there’s Famecrawler on Twitter, too, which Tweets every time a new story is published on the site. All your favorite celebrity gossipy goodness.

If you’re looking to find me elsewhere on the Web, try those nifty little icons in my sidebar…Facebook, Twitter, Last.fm…links to most of my little hideaways.

Now I must consume loads more coffee and put my nose back to the grindstone. My nose is getting calloused now, so it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

If you use Flickr, you may be familiar with a really cool service called Picnik.com, which allows you to easily edit and manipulate your photos. It fully integrates with Flickr, Facebook, Picasa, Myspace, and many other sites.

It’s like Photoshop on the web, really, and it couldn’t be easier. I’ve been using it for over a year now. All sorts of effects and filters, borders and frames, each accessible with a mere button click. Take a look:

Amazing stuff. And I’m not being paid to say so. You know me, I only plug things I personally use.

I got to talk a little bit with the folks at Picnik.com last year at BlogHer. And because they saw that I’m going again this year, they’ve given me a couple of FREE 6-month Premium memberships to give to YOU, my lovely readers.

It’s a marvy Father’s Day gift. What do you have to do to win?

Merely leave a comment below, saying you’d like a membership. That’s it. One entry per person.

I’ll randomly select two people from all the comments tomorrow afternoon at 5:00 pm Eastern. That’s Sunday, June 21…Father’s Day.

Good luck! In the meantime, go check out the site yourself if you’re not familiar with Picnik. The free features rock, too.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

Video blog post because I’m too lazy to write something.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

Here’s a video post I did last night. And the Birthday Dares contest is extended through this weekend. Check out this post and get your entries in NOW.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan