The other day I asked you to convince me to go to BlogHer 2011. I appreciate the comments from you guys. After careful consideration and a perusal of my finances, I have decided to skip BlogHer again this year. Much as I’ll miss lots of my favorite people, a new laptop is more important.

I’m saving up for a Mac PowerBook. Decades of being invested in Windows PC’s have me a little worried about this leap. I know Macs are supposedly very easy to use and far better stability-wise. I’m just hoping that the learning curve isn’t too steep for me. Old dog, new tricks, and all that happy horseshit.

Look how purty that sucker is.

In other news, The Cars have a new album out! “Move Like This” came out on Tuesday and so far I’ve only heard a couple of their new songs. They still sound great. I can only hope they decide to come to Florida on tour. Right now there aren’t any FL dates.

A review from Rolling Stone is pretty positive: “Move Like This is a reminder that New Wave can still sound new, especially when the Cars do it.”

Here’s “Sad Song.”

The Cars will forever be one of my favorite bands. I still remember the first time I heard them. I was in 10th grade. We’d just driven cross-country from New York to Alamogordo, New Mexico, our new home. Arrived in the evening, and stopped in at the Pizza Hut for dinner. And the first song that came on the jukebox (Google that shit, you youngsters) was this one:

The catchy tune opened me up to all sorts of new music. I’d previously thought that ABBA was cool – even had their greatest hits on 8-track (again, GTS) – but no more.

Shortly after we moved into our new home, a trailer on the south side of town, we got cable. And MTV…y’know, back when MTV stood for Music Television and ALL THEY PLAYED WERE MUSIC VIDEOS. My musical education was just beginning.

How about you? When do you feel like your musical awakening took place? And what artist or band was your very first concert? Mine was Men At Work.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

I’ve been to BlogHer four times. I missed last year because, well, it was just a shitty year and I couldn’t make it happen. Now I’m considering going to BlogHer 2011 (in San Diego) – I WANT to go – but need some convincing.

For one thing, the expense. That’s a biggie, actually. There’s the $298 ticket (missed the Early Bird pricing, dammit), the $300+ plane ticket, and the hotel at roughly $215/night. And since I’d arrive a day early and leave a day late, that’s 4 days in the hotel. We’re talking roughly $1,500. That’s not even including any extras like food or sightseeing.

Now, yes, there’s the Party Pass, which is only $99, but I want to attend sessions, too, not just socialize.

For another thing, I’d have a DEFINITE need for a roommate, which isn’t exactly an easy proposition, me having a penis and all that. Still, a roommate would cut my hotel bill in half.  That would make the hotel stay $430, which still brings the cost down to around $1,100.

Then there’s the need for a new laptop. I’ve been saving up for one, but I don’t know if I can swing both a new laptop AND BlogHer.

On top of all this is my anxiety, which has been epic in scale of late. I’ve managed not to freak out (too much) each time I’ve attended the conference, but this year feels…different. Sure, I have my coping mechanisms – glomming onto familiar faces, sticking to small groups as much as possible, curling up in the fetal position – but the anxiety can’t be overlooked.

But I really, really want to go. I just need some convincing. Are you going this year? Would you be willing to let me hang with you, particularly when I’m shaking like a leaf? Do you know of anyone going that needs a roomie? I promise not to piss on the floor, or drink too much (which leads to pissing on the floor). Do you have access to some of the exclusive parties and can you get me in?

Let the convincing begin…now.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

This is Movember, where I grow a moustache for prostate health. Prostate cancer is the #1 cancer affecting men. You can donate or just watch me grow a cheesy moustache all month. (Proceeds go to the Prostate Cancer Foundation and Livestrong.) To see how much money is being raised by Movember thus far, CLICK HERE.

I’m also doing a 30-day meme, the whole of which can be found here.

Today’s photo:

Day 05 – A picture of somewhere you’ve been to

This was from my trip to Chicago for BlogHer ‘09. The Art Institute of Chicago, which I visited with Neil, Citizen of the Month.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

• Yesterday, another mystery ailment for the SecondHand Car. Came out to drive to dinner and the passenger-side window was rolled all the way down. I never touched the damn thing. Won’t roll back up.
• This brings me to the mechanic this morning, of course. Thankfully, no rain last night.
• LIST OF PROBS I GAVE THE MECHANIC. (1) The window, obviously. (2) The Swamp is beginning again. Find the fucking leak. (3) SERVICE ENGINE SOON light is off and on, off and on. Never stays off more than a day.
• There are 3 weeks until Shannon arrives. I need to get my shit together and get the bedrooms ready. Are you coming to SillyBring? April 24 is coming fast. So far, we have seven people, including me.
• There are a lot more Poison fans than I thought. Oddly, some of these people are friends of mine. Oddly, I still like them. The friends, not the fucking band.
• Then again, I like Rick Springfield, so who am I to judge?
• Tomorrow is not only Mom’s birthday, but my twin daughters’ birthday, too. April Fool’s! Mom is still 36 (she swears), yet I’m 43. There may have been a flux capacitor involved, I don’t know.
• Mom is doing well, by the way. This is her second week of physical therapy. Walking around, she even drove from the house to the restaurant last night. “Braking is a bitch.” Um, yeah, Mom. Let’s hold off on the driving, then, for a few more weeks. Braking? Sort of integral to the whole driving thing.
• I’ve had a couple of epiphanies of late. I don’t know what good they do me.
• Been digging “Lost” and its last season. IMAGINARY SPOILER ALERT, BUT ONLY IF I’M RIGHT. My guess for the ending is that Hurley and Sayid will replace Jacob and the Smoke Monster as guardians of the island.
• Almost caught up on “Life,” too. Great series from the same people at Discovery that came up with “Planet Earth” a few years back.
• I’m so woefully behind on virtually every series I watch that there may be no recovery.
• The Sickness. Still coughing and blowing my nose, but I’m relatively better. May start hitting the Y again tomorrow. Just in time for April’s Resolution (announced tomorrow).
• Shit, I really need to come up with April’s Resolution.
• I have the Matrix Therapist this afternoon. Doctor visit tomorrow morning. And a 2-hour drive to get my eyes examined next week. Hoping the car is fixed well before that drive. Having nothing but ordinary terrestrial radio available (should I need to take Mom’s car) is unacceptable.
• Taking mental inventory between now and therapy is gonna be tough. I don’t really KNOW how I’m feeling. Better? Worse? Same? Is the Abilify doing anything? It *might* be giving me more energy (thus, my greatly reduced nappage quotient), but it sure as hell ain’t improving my mood. I don’t think. Then again, the MT did say last time that I seemed “mellower.”
• On second glance, I think I may need to increase the dosage. Feeling like withdrawing from the Net (even like axing accounts) can’t be a good thing. Not for me, anyway. Just. Not. Feeling. It.
• I still get 20-30 “press releases” a day from people trying to get me to write about their celebrities. Hello? No longer doing the celeb thing. Please delete me from your lists. Thanks.
• I also get 10-20 emails a day telling me about Mommy issues. This is also residual ex-job stuff, but probably has some BlogHer mixed in there, as well. Your new nipple cream to help me with my sore nips after feeding my triplets? Thanks, don’t need it.
• After seeing Ben Folds with my friend, Tracy, she got tickets for us to see OK Go in May. She didn’t even ask me first. I’m not bitching. Another band I’ve never seen live. Here’s to hoping they have a giant Rube Goldberg machine set up on stage…or at least treadmills.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

So I mentioned that my Resolution this month hit a snag. Big time. Bottom line is, I got fired. From one of my gigs, not both.

Not that it’s a huge shock, mind you. After all, I haven’t worked in quite a while. I take the blame for that.

I won’t say exactly which site fired me, but it doesn’t involve travel blogging, and it might rhyme loosely with Brain Trawler.

No matter. It’s lit a fire under my ass. I plan on doing more travel stories until I find another gig to add to the hotel blogging. So if you know of anything, please let me know. Especially if it involves me writing more humor’ish, slice-of-life stuff. I’m also going to get my other little project going. I told you, I have ideas.

Course, this reaffirms what I’ve already said. TequilaCon is definitely out for me this year. And it doesn’t look good for BlogHer, either. Disappointing, to say the least. For you, I mean. Ahem.

In the meantime, I thought I’d write a little letter to any future employers I have. I’m sure they’re all reading this and are interested in anything and everything I have to say.

Dear Future Employers:

Hi, I wanted to take a moment to give you a list of things you might try in order to make my life with you more pleasant. Or more professional. Whatever.

1. You should know up front that I prefer being notified when I get fired. You know, as close to when you hire my replacements as is convenient for you. To clarify, telling me months later – only after I am ready to return to work – is just a tad late for my taste. I realize it’s a personal preference, but it’s MY personal preference.
2. If you simply must fire me, I prefer getting a phone call over getting an email 15 minutes before end-of-business. It’s more professional and, as an added bonus, it doesn’t make your company seem like it truly doesn’t give a fuck about their employees.
3. Please don’t try to explain your decisions for firing me, unless you’re giving me REAL reasons. I’m not as dumb as I look. For example, saying that it’s because of “budgetary constraints” when you only have a finite number of writing slots per day, and it doesn’t matter who writes them or gets paid for them, is kinda bogus’ish.
4. If you’re going to fire me, please do me the kindness of removing me from the company email lists first. I have enough email to wrestle with every day, I don’t need more.
5. If you happen to be in, say, the gossip industry, please don’t pretend to class up the joint by not using words like “butt” or “nude.” Especially if it’s a blog skewed toward mommies. Because moms happen to be nude a lot, and they also have butts. And they’re also there to read GOSSIP. Running a gossip blog – and again, this is only if you happen to be in that industry – and telling the writers they can’t use words like “sex” or “boobs” is a little like telling TMZ not to take photos. It can be done, mind you, but no one is going to want to read it any more. And I think the traffic reflects that. Or *would*…sorry.
6. I like employers who send me things like free coffee or Cherry Coke Zero. And massage gift certificates. Even without the Happy Ending added on, it’s still a nice perk.

I have other ideas, too, if you care to ask for my input. Most involve naked women, but I do have a great one that includes a shaved giraffe.

Sincerely,

Karl Erikson

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

Anissa. I adore her.

I’ve read some posts about her the last few days, since she suffered a stroke and the entire blogoTwittersphere is talking/praying for her. But I just haven’t been able to muster whatever it is I need to muster to write something of my own. I can’t. It’s been a fucked up week for me, full of stress/anxiety/depression. And now Anissa.

I will say that it’s another bucket of ice water thrown over my sleeping head. One moment she’s fine, the next? Hospitalized, unconscious, and fighting for her life. If that doesn’t make you want to live every moment to the fullest, I don’t know what will. Appreciate what you have, WHO you have…

Thought I’d just link to a guest post she wrote for me during the Summer of Love, where she includes a guest post I did for HER on HER blog. It’s a long story.

Just read it.

And Anissa? I know you’re in there, babe. You’ve opened your eyes a number of times now, according to Peter. Keep fighting. Come back.

PS: I love your boobies.

I’ll be out of pocket the next day or so. Going to my Dad’s today, probably staying over night. Stepmom is in the hospital because, y’know, the world apparently doesn’t care that my head is about to explode already…more stuff just keeps piling on. My friends, too. I’ve declared a public moratorium on sickness, dying, or anything bad or stressful.

I’m just waiting for God to flip the START switch on my request.

Should be any time now, I’m sure of it.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

Tonight, my guest on SecondHand Radio is none other than the beautiful ChurchPunkMom, who sometimes goes by the odd name Megan. I met Megan at BlogHer ‘09 in Chicago, but we’ve been friends on Twitter for a while now. She claims to be married to some dude named OnlyAman. I’m pretty sure she’s faking, though. It’s because she’s terrified of this all-consuming love she has for me, I think.

She’s a mom of FIVE kids, home schools them all. She’s geeky and cool and funny. And wears specs, which is hotness x10.

And she’ll be talking to me tonight, live, at 10 PM EST. Don’t miss it. Go check out the 2HRadio info page, download the Talkshoe client, and prepare yourself for fun chatroom action mixed with live conversation…where YOU can call in and talk to Megan and me.

GIVEAWAY!

Plus, tonight I’ll be giving away a free copy of the new iPhone/iPod Touch game, Texas Tea! Thanks to my buddy Gerald at Snakehead Software, I have a free game code to give away for iTunes that’ll automatically have you downloading Texas Tea. That’s a 99-cent value!

I don’t know how long he’ll keep it at 99 cents, but I just downloaded it myself and I can see messing with this game a lot. It’s pretty addictive. Hope you’ll try it out and support one of my old high school friends. Y’know, if you have an iPhone or iPod Touch. It’s only 99 cents! Did I mention that?

From the press release: “If you like games such as Bejeweled, Jewel Quest II, Trism, Yahtzee and Poker, you’ll love Texas Tea™.  It’s an addictive game!”

I’ll be randomly selecting a winner from the chatroom tonight. Not sure how yet, but I’ll probably ask who amongst you has an iPhone or iPod Touch and then randomly select someone to win the game code.

Hope to see you there. Tell all your friends.

Showtime: 10PM EST, 9PM Central, 7PM Pacific

Show Link: http://talkshoe.com/tc/23738

Call-In Number: (724) 444-7444, Call ID 23738

Subscribe to 2HRadio in iTunes!

Shedule of Future Guests available on Info page

ALSO, we start Monday episodes next week! My first guest is Shauna Glenn, 10 PM EST this Monday night.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

It’s a big, big day, SecondHanders. Tonight I do the first bit of filming for next week’s Birthday Dares Spectacular. My birthday is a week from tomorrow and I have a lot of filming to do in the next 4 or 5 days. Even more editing.

First video will go live on Monday. Then there’ll be one video a day, with the big finale on Friday…my 43rd birthday. Yeah, I’ll have to change my blog bio. *sigh* And 42 is such a great number.

I’m just praying that a few calls I have out there for some of the dares come through in time. If not, there are alternate dares, backup alternate dares, BACKUP backup alternates, all of them prioritized in a top-secret list I have on my iPhone…which does have a passcode protection on it, so if you’re thinking of hijacking my phone to try to sneak a peak, fugettabout it.

The other BIG thing I have tonight is my show. It’s really good to be back with SecondHand Radio. I had a blast last week with Danielle from Knotty Yarn, and if you haven’t yet listened to it, no worries. There’s always iTunes.

Tonight? Another big guest. Not big PHYSICALLY, mind you, but big in STATURE. It’s Grace Davis. My newly-discovered sister. You can read all about my experience with Grace at BlogHer here.

Grace and I hit it off like gangbusters. Well, to be clear, I don’t technically know any gangbusters, but I hear they all get along incredibly well. We spent a couple of hours together in Chicago and, for two people who just met, it was like we’d known each other our whole lives. Nearly instantly. That’s pretty rare. Yet another reason why I love BlogHer. These sorts of connections tend to happen during those magical 48+ hours.

She’s a dynamic force, Grace. I dig her immensely and yet, somehow, we haven’t spoken on the phone since Chicago. That shall be remedied this evening. Charming, witty, down-to-earth, smart as hell…yeah.

And she’s married. *sigh*

I can’t wait for tonight’s show. I hope you’ll be there. You should probably GO HERE and check out the info page for SecondHand Radio. Sign up at Talkshoe. Download the Talkshoe client (my favorite way to enjoy the live chatroom).

Yes, there’s a live chatroom. It’s damn fun, mostly because there are people like YOU hanging around in there during the show.

Yes, there’s a call-in number, which YOU are welcome to use at any time to call in and talk to Grace and I.

Yes, I want you to be there, along with everyone in your contact list. Lofty aspirations, perhaps, but I think it’s been established that I have lots of those.

ShowTime: Tonight, 10 PM EST, 7 PM Pacific

Show Link: http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/23738

Call-In Number: (724) 444-7444, Call ID 23738

Full Schedule of Guests can be found on the INFO PAGE.

And I’m looking for guests for the soon-to-come Monday night episode of SecondHand Radio, set to launch (hopefully) Monday, September 21 at 10 PM EST. Know of anyone who’d make a good guest? Let me know. Even if it’s you. Thanks.

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

So in less than 12 hours time, I’m heading off on a 9-day visit with some dear friends. First, there’s KimBerday…my friend Kim is having her birthday Thursday. So Happy Fucking Birthday, darlin! I’ll see you very, very soon and can’t wait to hang out naked in the Media Room From God Almighty Himself. Shannon is coming, too, which thrills me immensely.

We’re gonna do the cazh thing and tube down the river with a cooler full of beer, hang in bars, chill at the house, maybe do a little karaoke, I damn well know some Fruity Pebbles are involved, and a pajama movie-watching party but you girls need to know that Karl doesn’t wear pajamas…he only wears boxers. Y’know, that’s how I and my friends roll, yo.

That’s Thursday through Monday. Monday, I fly from Birmingham to Louisville (which is pronounced in many different ways, and they’re all correct, I don’t care what anyone says) for what I’m calling Karltucky because Laci didn’t contribute one damn bit to naming this event.

Nooooo. Wait. I’ve GOT it.

KarlTuckyLoo. Because @laci_LOO, right? Fuck, I am brilliant so often that it shouldn’t surprise me any more; but somehow, I still manage to amaze myself. Ahem. Right.

So Laci and I are going to hang for five days…go to the Kentucky State Fair and eat lots of fried shit involving bacon and chocolate. Go to some lunch cruise thingie down a lengthy body of water. Go to the Improv to see Dave from Flight of the Conchords. Try to talk to Arj Barker at the Improv and get him to be on my show. Maybe harass some of you into harassing @ArjBarker on Twitter until he caves in and comes on my show. Y’know, again, that’s how I roll.

We’re also driving to Cincinnati (which I totally had to spell check because there’s no fucking mnemonic for Cincinnati like there is for Mississippi M-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i. well, that’s not really a mnemonic so much as it is just fucking spelling it out rhythmically, but you get what I’m saying. Cincinnati doesn’t have one of those. ) to visit with Sybil Law. Yum.

It’s going to be fun. So no show this Thursday night. I shall far more than likely be incapacitated. And no show NEXT Thursday night, either. I know, my pretties, but I shall be seeing DAVE FROM THE FLIGHT OF THE FUCKING CONCHORDS! But you’d know that if you’d been read — Jesus, you’re skimming me, aren’t you? ME? You dare to skim ME?

Seriously, is this what our relationship has come to? I’m just…stunned.

No, don’t.

Don’t EVEN try to give me the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. I would hope you’d at least respect my intelligence enough not to go saying THAT bullshit. Because truly? It’s never me when I’m saying that crap…it’s aaaaaaalways you. Don’t refute it. You know that shit’s right.

So my point there, really, is that there will be no more August shows.

My thanks to my guest bloggers again during the final weeks of the Summer of Love 2009. They all rock. Redneck Mommy’s guest post yesterday brought me more traffic than ever before, I’m pretty sure (cuz she’s all popular and shit), and yet I had to remove the ads because of the nudity. *sigh* I feel like singing a popular song now by Alanis Morrissette that is supposed to be full of irony but actually only contains two TRUE ironies in its lyrics, but nevertheless that still seems to be the first thing that pops into my head when someone says “Isn’t it ironic?” and yeah, that does kind of suck.

And how come all the chicks in the BlogHer Ads network get to show their tits all the damn time without worrying about their ads? Huh? The blogger chicks have freaking PARADES of boobs on various sites. A picture of a woman’s ass or her breasts is NOT porn, dammit. Well, it is if the pictures are done right, but that’s really not the point I’m trying to make here. And I’m just teasing, BlogHer Ads gals, really. For the most part.

Right. Soooo. I had a point somewhere. Oh, yeah, I need to pack. Finish laundry. Clearly not in that order.

After getting to know Megan recently and having her on my show, I realized that I need to create my own Bucket List. So I’ve started one in my iPhone and here is the first version thus far. I’ll definitely be updating this as I think of more stuff. But here’s what I came up with during my 10-minute smoke break today. Unedited. Just copy-and-paste.

Clearly needs works, but y’know. I’m just starting. You’re fucking skimming AGAIN, aren’t you?

And now you’ll see why @ArjBarker is on my bucket list.

KARL’S BUCKET LIST

• Great Fucking Road Trip
• Bungee jump
• Meet Flight of the Conchords and get them on my show
• Go to Australia
• Get my own medical marijuana card
• Fix my smile
• Write my story in a book. Have at least one book signing
• Do the largest dancing in my boxers video ever with dozens of women at least
• Have some random stranger recognize me on the street in any place other than home
• Meet Jaime Murray
• Do a video with @jennyonthespot
• Karaoke in Tokyo
• Fall in love and get married
• Party in Vegas
• Get paid to do a talk show on radio

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

I’m overextended. I know that now. This isn’t a rare thing for me, I often take on way too much shit. And post-BlogHer it’s only worse.

I KNOW I’m overextended when I start forgetting guest posts I’ve promised to do. First, I forgot Bluepaintred while I was still in Chicago for BlogHer. Ugh. And then yesterday, I forgot about my guest post for the Dutch Bitch. I feel like a heel when that happens, even though they’re both incredibly gracious ladies who told me not to worry about it.

Nevertheless, I DO owe Bluepaintred a guest post. And it will happen. Just not today. I have to get my “house” in order.

I did manage to finally get the video done for Dutch Bitch and you can find it here.

While I was filming my video for DB yesterday, I remembered that I had a therapy appointment, and that it was due to start in 20 minutes. Thank God I remembered. And I probably wouldn’t have if I weren’t already driving around town doing some silly video.

Yesterday was Session #3. We talked about a great many things, and my therapist asked some hard-hitting questions. She seems to get me, and that’s both cool and terrifying. Cool because I hate starting with a new therapist, having to re-explain ALL MY SHIT to someone, re-say things I’ve said over and over and over again. So it’s cool she’s caught on very quickly.

Terrifying because she DOES ask the hard questions, and that shit usually doesn’t come until around Session #7. Hell, it was Session #2 where she was quoting philosophy at me from “The Matrix.” So I should have known she’d be onto me fairly quickly.

She asked me if I’m a loyal friend and I answered that, yes, I think I am. For example, if you have my cell phone number, you are welcome (though not encouraged, I want to make that very clear) to call me any time of the day if you need me.

Matrix Therapist: Even at 4:30 in the morning?

Me: Yes.

MT: Do people call you often at that sort of hour?

Me: Not often, no, but I do have a friend who took advantage of my open-phone policy just last week at 5 in the morning.

MT: And you answered?

Me: The second time I answered. The first time I was just dreaming about Hanson singing “Mmm Bop.”

MT (scribbling furiously on yellow pad, probably something about how she’s going to drop me after this session because of my shitty taste in music): Why is that?

Me: That’s my ringtone. It’s hard for even me to sleep when Hanson is blaring right next to my head. And I’m a heavy sleeper.

MT: And what happened when you answered the phone?

Me: I went over to her house and took care of her for a while.

MT: And she doesn’t call you like that regularly?

Me: Nobody calls me like that regularly. But I figure if someone IS calling me at 5 in the morning, it must be fucking important.

MT: Is it always important at that hour?

Me: It damn well BETTER be. My friends know the sorts of hours I keep, and that I go to bed at 3 or 4 in the morning.

MT: Hmm…

I hate when therapists say “Hmm.” Because I know they’ve probably heard way more fucked up shit than I’ve heard, and I’ve got enough group and individual therapy hours under my belt to FUCKING *BE* A THERAPIST, if only by osmosis.

So anything that makes a *therapist* say “Hmm”? That’s got to be some wacked out stuff.

Me: “Hmm,” what?

MT: I was just wondering… It’s great that you’re a loyal friend and that you’re dependable -

Me: There’s a “but” coming, I just know it.

MT: – buuuut… who do YOU call at 5 in the morning when YOU need help and support?

Fuck. I told you, she’s good.

Me: Oh, that’s easy. No one.

MT: No one?

Me: Nope.

MT: Why is that? You don’t think you could call some of these same friends that depend on you?

Me: Oh, I know I could. But I don’t. I won’t.

MT: Why?

Me: Because…

Again, fuck.

Me: Because I deal with my own shit.

MT: By “deal”, you mean you bottle.

Me: Yes, I do bottle a lot. It’s not that I don’t have very close friends that I don’t talk to, I do. And frequently. We talk about a lot of stuff. But I won’t lay the shit on them that I need to lay on them because it’s really heavy and I don’t want to drop that in their laps.

MT: You don’t think they could handle it?

Me: (sigh) I don’t know. They probably could, I guess. But I’ve never told ANYONE some of that stuff, except for in therapy. I don’t like talking about it.

MT: But you need to…

Me: That’s what you’re for.

MT: But you told me about this… [looking at notes]… Grace person you met in Chicago? You talked to HER about these things.

Me: That’s different, I explained to you why.

MT: So you CAN talk about it.

Me: Yes, of course I CAN. I just…don’t.

MT: I think we need to explore that more.

Me: I know you do. You fucking bitch who is getting too heavy for me way too fast. Clearly, I didn’t say that out loud, but I sure thought it.

Then we got into my perfectionism. Now, I know it might be hard to believe that I am a perfectionist, when I’m clearly such a fucking mess/slob. But there is a method to my madness. The reason why my bedroom is such a disaster is one of those Catch 22 situations. Yes, I’m lazy and I hate chores, but after a while it gets so cluttered that cleaning it all up is a task that seems akin to cleaning all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with a toothbrush.

And so, rather than not be able to get it all perfect, I…just…do…nothing. It’s easier for me that way. The cluttered room sort of matches the wallpaper in my mind, anyway. A cluttered room seems somehow appropriate for me. Worse, it feels like it’s what I deserve.

And yeah, we talked about that shit, too, yesterday.

Specifically, though, we talked about my perfectionism as it relates to my creative side. Writing, videos, even karaoke…I cannot tell you the rituals I go through, the HOURS I spend “perfecting” my shit.

The guest video I did for DB yesterday and today is a prime example. Once I get started on a project, I’m in this freaking psychotic Zone and I can’t stop until it meets my vision. Well, that’s not true. Nothing I ever do meets my vision. I just finally get so exhausted rewriting and editing that I finally have to say, “Fuck it, I’m done.” Then I publish it, or upload it (whatever) and look at the post or video online, thinking how many things I could have done better.

I hate that about me. It’s draining. But I don’t feel like I can control it.

Matrix Therapist asked me, “What if you just set a limit for yourself on this video you’re working on? Say, two hours, and that’s it…no matter what.”

Me: Oh, I couldn’t do that. Two hours? That’s like five minutes.

So she’ll be thrilled to know that I spent 9 hours filming shit yesterday and another, um, 7 or 8 today putting it together. All for a silly-ass 11-1/2 minutes of video.

Two hours. HA! That’s crazy! How am I supposed to get anything done in only two hours?

That’s crazy.

Right?

“Wonderful” – Rob Thomas

look at me i’m made of wonderful
wonderful
i’m all easy breath and steady walk
steady walking
but underneath i’m barely moving, no
its like i’m nothing
all the ways they have to make me smile and then they go and break me

-CHORUS-
wait, i think i feel like hell
though i can’t be myself
and i can’t be nobody else but if i could
would you love me then?

look at me, i’m made of wonderful
it’s terrible
i’m all easy come and easy go
as far as you know
but underneath, man, i’m just killing time
i guess i’m past my prime
and now i’m overrated, overdressed, and overstated

-CHORUS-

if i put my hands up, put your hands up
if i fall down
if i lose my place
and i dont know just where im supposed to go
or if you’ll be there when i wake
would you love me then?

and i come home tired
and i come home late
everybody wants me
so i give it away
i’m a wanted man
i’m a wanted man
i’m a wanted man
i’m a wanted man

would you love me then?

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan