Everything you don’t particularly want to know about Karl, but I am going to tell you anyway…

It’s Dah Summer of Luv and today it’s my turn at Second Hand Tryptophan. Hi, my name is DutchBitch and I am spreading some Dutch Lovin’ on this blog today.

Getting my turn this early in The Summer of Love I figured it is my duty to, again, share some facts about Karl. So y’all know what the hell you are dealing with here. He’s not the sweet, innocent, loveable guy you all think he is. Nu Uh!

So here goes. Everything you don’t particularly want to know about Karl, but I am going to tell you anyway:

• If you fuck up Karl in any way, on Facebook, Twitter or anywhere else on the internets, he will find you, hunt you down and shoot you with his “gun”
• His Mom is not really his Mom. He’s living with a girlfriend 45 years his senior but just is not telling us
• Apparently his nuts are naturally crossed (eewwwww)
• And apparently he is willing to show me that “live” but I am sure if you ask him nicely he will show you too
• He’s into girls being nutcrushers
• Karl’s nose hairs tickle your cheek when he kisses you (see pic).. At least I HOPE those were his nose hairs…
• Karl can drive 14 hours straight
• Well, with 2,367 pit stops to pee
• He will say that those pit stops are for the person he’s driving with but I know from a reliable source that that is not the case: Karl’s got a bladder the size of a walnut himself
• He’s been known to drive thru a drive-thru wearing only diapers
• Karl likes to dress up, preferably in drag
• He does all that shit and calls them “Birthday Dares”… yeah.. Uh Huh, we all know that that is just a cover up for doing what he loves to do best
• Whenever you tweet that you are doing anything with less clothing than usual involved, he will request a webcam to be set up
• He thinks that showing off his nuts will pay for pizza delivery
• Nobody know’s where Karl was when MJ died… Do you?

That’s about it for now… I have tons more exhilirating Karl facts but I know your poor hearts can only handle so many at a time. So signing off for now! Enjoy the continuation of the Summer of Love, guys! And Karl? * SMOOCH *

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100 Things About Karl, Part 10

Tonight, it’s another very special episode of Blossom. Oh wait, sorry, 80s flashback. It’s another very special episode of SecondHand Radio at 10:00 PM Eastern. My guest this evening is none other than the creator of Scooter Sunday, Marty Mankins, from the blog Banal Leakage.

This is what Marty looks like when he’s doing death-defying videos such as Snowy Sunday. It’s a rare photo because usually Marty uses a stunt double in his videos and just does the voiceover so it appears to be him.

So do yourself a favor…go to Talkshoe.com right now if you’re not already a member, register, and prepare yourself for an hour of bloggity goodness tonight.

You might also want to download the Talkshoe client, which I find is a superior listening experience, as well as very cool chat tool.

Showtime: 10:00 PM Eastern, 7:00 PM Pacific, ?? in Australia

Show Link:
http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/23738

CLICK HERE TO GO TO SECONDHAND RADIO ON TALKSHOE

Chatroom: Opens 15 minutes before showtime.

Call-in Number: 724-444-7444, Call ID 23738

Tell all your friends and family, maybe your next door neighbor. Put the word out on Twitter. Thanks, you’re awesome. See you there.

Now, for something that’s been a long time coming: the conclusion of 100 Things About Karl. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking Geez, Karl, it’s been since June that you did Part 9. What the fuck? And you’re thinking Damn, Karl, you get better and better looking every time I see you. You’re far better looking than you were in my sex dream of you last night, and that’s saying something.

But I’ve just been lazy. And I forgot about it. You can find the rest of the 100 Things list here, or click on the appropriate link at the top of my blog.

100 Things About Karl, Part 10 of 10

1. Sometimes I can’t check the mail, which is across the street, because when I look outside there are neighbors out there. This is part of the social phobia shit. When the phobia is cresting, causing fun things such as high anxiety and insecurity, I can’t bear to think of interacting with anyone. So rather than risk a neighbor talking to me, even if it’s just “Hi,” I close the door and forget about the mail for a while. Well, I don’t forget about it, I just wait until dark to go check it. Lame, right?
2. I believe there is only one correct way to load the dishwasher. My way. Each individual dishwasher has its own correct loading sequence, mind you…I get that. But there IS only one correct way to load each dishwasher model. With mine, it’s the coffee saucers on the top shelf, and all the other plates on the bottom. There are dozens of little dishwasher rules. If someone else has loaded the dishwasher part-way, I have two options. Either rearrange everything the correct way, or – if whoever loaded the dishwasher partially is there, watching – just ignore the dishwasher until they either finish loading it themself, or they’re not looking so I can reload it correctly.
3. I bite my fingernails. I hate that I do it, too, because I often bite them down to the quick and my hands look terrible. I have quit numerous times, only to pick the habit back up when I’m nervous. Which is often.
4. I am totally addicted to my iPhone. I’m forever playing with it. When I take a smoke break, I’m always playing games on it. Right now my favorite game is a free one called iMob Online. It’s like that Mob Wars games on Facebook that I’ve never played. If you  have an iPhone, you should download iMob now. Then ADD ME to your mob. My FRIEND CODE is 144-886-434 and my Mobster’s name is Don Karlione.
5. I am a reformed impulsive shopper, but sometimes I cave to my former self. I used to spend lots of money I didn’t have on things I had to have. Then I’d often neglect whatever it was I bought, getting bored with it nearly instantly. I don’t know why I feel I HAVE to have things when these compulsions strike. Nowadays whenever I feel the Need, I do this long drawn-out thing in my head where I imagine buying the object/gadget, then picture myself with the object and how much I’m actually going to use it (or not). I’m pretty good about saying no these days. I’m told compulsive shopping is a symptom of some of my many mental maladies, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier to defeat.
6. I vascillate between eating too much and not eating enough. There doesn’t seem to be any middle ground with me, and my gut is evidence of it. I really need to lose about 25 pounds – it would help my diabetes a lot, I know. Half the days, I’m munching away throughout the day, but the other half I don’t eat a thing until dinner. Neither is good.
7. I don’t shave every day. Sometimes I’ll go a week without shaving. Mostly because I just can’t be bothered taking 120 seconds out of my (so busy) day to worry about my facial follicles. Course, if I had a girlfriend, those 120 seconds wouldn’t be nearly so bothersome. But I don’t, so I don’t.
8. Even though I claim to be fairly intelligent, I have many guilty pleasures on TV that would indicate otherwise. I enjoy the new version of Knight Rider, like Kyle XY (ABC Family), Kath & Kim, and have yet to pass up an episode of The Greatest American Hero (in fact, I own all the episodes on DVD). I try to balance this out by drinking Guiness, reading science fiction and masturbating excessively.
9. It’s rare for me to watch a TV show without multitasking on my computer. Because I work from home these days and my job requires me to be in front of my laptop, I’m forever looking back and forth between the big-screen TV and the small-screen laptop, even if I’m just scouring my feeds for stories to write the next day.
10. I’m hot-natured. If I’m going to complain about the temperature, 9 times out of 10 it’ll be because it’s too hot. I always have to have ceiling fans going in ever room I’m in and I’d prefer to keep the thermostat down at around 65, though it’s usually at 77 because of the cost. I’d much rather snuggle up in bed with blankets than be so hot that even a sheet would be stifling.

Whew, and that’s 100 things. Finally.

Hope to see you tonight, gang.

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100 Things About Karl, Part Nine

It’s time once again for the 2HT Summer of Love. Last year if you’ll recall, I had over three weeks of guest posts from an all-female superblogging cast. I was so surprised by the acceptance rate because 95% of the people I asked to guest post said YES. Had guest bloggers EVERY DAY for three weeks.

This year, it’ll be a bit different. There are still quite a few (24) that agreed to write guest posts. But I won’t be having guest posts every day. Instead, starting a week from today, there will be guest bloggers on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays all through July and much of August. And there will be female AND male guest bloggers.

I’ve given them all carte blanche. They can write about anything they want, SAY anything they want, so it’ll be really interesting to see what they all come up with. I produced the schedule yesterday and still haven’t heard from about 10 people. If they get back to me (hint hint) then I’ll just tack them on in August.

And I’ll be blogging the other four days of the week, so no worries there, either.

OK, on to my 100 Things list, still in progress. I’ve been slowly putting the list together in 10-item segments. This is Part 9 of 10.

1. I wear my heart on my sleeve, for the most part. I’ve been told many times in the past that I have a flat affect, meaning that much of the time you can’t read my emotions via my face. That’s probably true. But anyone who knows me personally (and to a large extent, anyone who reads my blog) will know I am a rather passionate person. Mix that in with being bipolar and you’ll see LOTS of emotion. Case in point: the recent blog drama that I’m done talking about. Hilly asked me if I thought I was going through a manic phase during all of that, and I’m pretty sure she’s right. Regardless, I care deeply for many people, and I care deeply about many subjects. You might not like me for voicing my opinion on certain things, but you WILL be sure of one thing: I feel.
2. I have a difficult time crying in “real life.” What I mean by that is that it’s extremely rare for me to cry unless we’re talking about some stimulus that generates the tears, like movies, TV shows, and music. I’ll tear up from time to time. Funerals will do it. Sunday, on my way home from Britt’s, I actually cried just thinking about Lisa, praying like hell she’s not going to rip my heart out. One of my favorite quotes, though, I heard from Deacon Bill at my old church in Dallas. He told me, “The moment you say ‘I love you’ is the moment you begin to say goodbye to that person.” That hit me like a ton of bricks, so profound a truth. That’s what love is, opening yourself up and becoming vulnerable. I wouldn’t have it any other way, but the fact of the matter is that the older I get, the more and more I’m going to be saying goodbye to people I love.
3. I’m smart. Apparently, genius smart. You’d never know it from my blog, perhaps, with all the naked blogging and silliness, but I have an I.Q. of 182. I would never say that to anyone because I’m not really about the bragging (but I’m running out of things to say about myself). I’m not a savant by any stretch of the imagination, but I know a lot of useless shit. Mensa asked me to join their little club, but fuck that. I’m not about mutual mental masturbation. PHYSICAL masturbation, maybe, but sitting around with a bunch of “smart people” who all KNOW they’re smart people and flaunt it around like Liberace did with his rhinestoned capes? Well, that really turns me off. My friends are smart…I love hanging around with them. But we don’t need to TALK about how smart we are.
4. I want people to like me. Sometimes I NEED them to like me, but I’ve gotten much better at controlling that aspect of my insecurities. As a kid, being bullied quite a bit, I learned how to be funny. Funny works for me. Everyone likes funny, even bullies. Didn’t keep me from getting my ass kicked on a semi-regular basis, but SOME of the bullies backed off of me when I made them laugh. It used to kill me when someone didn’t like me. Now I realize that it’s impossible for everyone to appreciate the awesomeness that is me. And I’m OK with that. Still, it hurts on occasion. The recent blog drama wounded me in a few ways. Nothing permanent, mind you, but when you put so much of your raw self out there for everyone to see and critique (like I did a couple of weeks ago), you’re bound to get some people that have some not-very-nice things to say to you.
5. I hate my teeth. It’s my Achilles heel. Yes, I’m the person responsible for them getting in such a sad and sorry shape, but I wish I could blink my eyes or wiggle my nose and create the perfect smile. They’re cracked, full of cavities, and yellowed. Because of that, I rarely smile fully so that my teeth show. Usually, it’s a closed-mouth smile. You want to hurt me? Talk about my fucked-up teeth. That’ll do it. My self-image is far from great and I fantasize that my life would improve a thousand-fold if I had a whole new pearly white set of choppers. Every time a girlfriend breaks up with me, I torture myself by dreaming that it’s because of my teeth.
6. I still love to read a newspaper. A physical, paper newspaper. I love the way it feels in my hands, I love the printed word. I even love that newspapers make your hands dirty from all the newsprint. Yes, I get a LOT of my news from TV and the InterTubes. But there’s nothing like a newspaper, especially on Sunday. Mmmm, a hot cup of coffee and the funny pages. Doesn’t get much better than that…unless I’m getting fellated while drinking coffee and reading the funny pages. I’m kidding, of course. I wouldn’t drink coffee while getting a blow job.
7. I suffer from occasional Attention Deficit Disorder. I bring this up because there are times that I cannot READ a newspaper. Just can’t do it. It frustrates the hell out of me, too, because I love to read so much. In those times, I can’t read the novel(s) I’m working on, either. It’s very difficult to read anything, including blogs, which are a daily part of my life. It’s like my brain races too fast a lot of the time…a million thoughts (often diametrically opposed) running through my brain and I can’t process all that shit at once. Hate it. Without meds, I’d never get to sleep. And oftentimes I’ll almost mentally collapse into sleep, all those thoughts racing in my head.
8. At the same time, I have a terrible habit of multitasking. I say “terrible” – it’s really a blessing AND a curse. There’s so much shit going on in my head at times that I simply CANNOT focus on just ONE thing. Even now, as I write this, I’m typing and watching Anderson Cooper on CNN. I also often carry on conversations while I’m writing AND watching TV. This annoys a lot of people because they feel like I’m not paying them the full attention they may deserve. But I AM. It’s just that I can’t sit still doing only ONE thing. Seriously, I need like five or six more Karls.
9. I think Donnie Darko sucks. The movie. I heard nothing but raves about it for YEARS and I finally watched it earlier this year. It blows. Big chunks. It’s not clever or riveting. It’s just stupid and weird. I’m all about the independent films. Love ‘em. Well, a lot of them. Donnie Darko is just awful. Now Harvey. There’s an invisible rabbit I can believe in. I guess there are a lot of people that appreciate movies simply because they’re different. Not me. I like movies that are different and GOOD. Jacob’s Ladder? Now, THAT’S different and good.
10. I hate when people slam doors or cabinet doors. Or drawers. What the fuck is wrong with you people? How much effort does it take to quietly shut a door behind you? Or to gently slide a drawer shut instead of letting it BANG closed? It’s like they have absolutely no consideration for other people in the house. My sister is like that. When I lived with her, she’d slam the cabinet doors shut and I’d hear it all the way upstairs with my bedroom door closed. I don’t get it. Bugs the ever-loving shit out of me.

Whew, only 10 more to go and I’ll be finished.

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