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On 2HRadio, Thanksgiving, and Socializing

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Saturday Night

The Funk continues. There need to be changes round here, outside AND in. I’m tired of being this way…afraid of leaving the house, afraid of staying in. Fear sucks. I mean, some fear is healthy, of course, but when you let it control you? Yeah, that’s not good.

Time for a switch-up. I need more socializing. It’s easy for me to remain hermitish, though not good in the extreme I take it. My typical day routine?

Wake up between 8-10am. Make coffee. Take insulin, check sugar. Sit down at laptop, turn on the TV. Work, watch news, watch Tivo shows. Maybe slip some food in there somewhere. More coffee. Malaise sets in, go back to bed. Wake up a few hours later. Back to work and TV. Dinner. Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy, night time shows, working and emailing all the while. Nightline, maybe some Jimmy Kimmel. Bed.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Exciting, yeah? Not so much.

Maybe Monday I’ll go work in the local coffee shop. At least then I can get some peoplewatching in. And coffee. Daddy needs a new set of teeth. Speaking of which, my pending dental work is going to cost me $8,000. YIKES! Good thing I had all that orthodontia done in my teens. Really taught me to take care of my teeth. *cough*

I HATE my smile. That’s another thing I’m changing. I’m tired of not fully smiling, not that I feel like smiling much at all lately, but still. Maybe I would if I had a nice bright smile again. Course, that’ll take a while. Gonna have to do everything piecemeal.

More getting out. More socializing. Better dental hygiene. More sex. OK, just sex. What? I figure if I put it out into the Universe…

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Saturday Night’s Alright for Whining

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Then there’s the memory. I bought my Dell Inspiron B130 a few years ago before going to BlogHer for the first time. It wasn’t meant to be my primary computer, so I went on the cheap. 1GB  of RAM. Then my desktop fried and BAM! Ever since then, the laptop has been my only computer. And it was fine. For a while.

Now I’m rebooting every so often because of a memory shortage. With me working again, I’ve got multiple apps open at the same time and the laptop is, at times, very sluggish.

So I spent a while yesterday afternoon online with a Dell salesperson, asking about upgrading the laptop. I can add another 1GB of RAM for $55. Well, that’s for 2 1GB modules. I have 2 512MB modules right now, so they’d have to come out. This was encouraging. Adding RAM would take care of some of my troubles.

But the hard drive situation isn’t as bright. The biggest drive I can get for this model is 80GB. That’s only a 30GB increase. Yeah, I have a 500GB external drive, but that’s for backups, really, not primary use. The salesgirl told me even if I went with a third-party manufacturer, a higher-capacity drive would crash my laptop. I haven’t yet checked on the veracity of that claim, but I imagine she’s right. After all, if they could sell me a larger drive, I have no doubt she would have tried.

This leaves me with only a couple of options, aside from upgrading what I have. I can get a new Windows laptop, or I can break down and go with a Mac. I’ve been saying for a while that my next computer will be a Mac. I know enough Mac lovers and have read enough articles to know that Apple makes some rocking computers. They’re not prone to crash, they’re not prone to viruses (since all the virus makers concentrate on Windows machines), they’re basically the computing equivalent of a wet dream.

BUT. I’ve got so much invested in the Windows world it isn’t funny. I haven’t used an Apple since my Apple IIc days in the 80s. All of my software is Windows based. True, the files aren’t nearly as big a problem as they used to be. After all, MP3s are MP3s, JPGs are JPGs, doesn’t matter what platform you’re using. And the word processing stuff is pretty transparent, too. DOC files are easily interchangeable with the right software.

BUT. Apples are pricey as hell. You pay for that top-notch design. Big time. You could very easily spend 2-3 times on an Apple laptop what you would for a Windows laptop.

There are tons of deals to be had on Windows laptops…and yeah, I want a laptop. I’ve become addicted to the portability factor.  AND. The real reason why I’m terrified of a new Windows laptop? Vista. Sure, I can get a laptop with 3GB of RAM and a 320GB hard drive for way less than $1,000, but it comes with Windows Vista. And I have heard largely negative things about Vista. Problems, crashes, compatibility issues, even the Blue Screen of Death rearing its ugly head again…and that’s something I spent way too much time with in the 90s, thanks very much.

The other option is buying a new Windows laptop and installing Windows XP over Vista. That’s kind of drastic, but it’s doable. Vista is even more of a memory hog than XP, but I like XP. I know XP. It’s far more stable. It works. There are a scarce number of laptops being sold with XP these days, but a couple of Twitter friends pointed me toward some.

I don’t know what to do, but I’m definitely going to need to make one of these choices soon. I can save up some money in the next few months and roll the dice. Perhaps I’ll go with a memory upgrade on this thing to see how much better things get. That’s definitely the cheapest option.

Uncle Fester Mike

Right, other stuff to talk about. First off, tomorrow night is another episode of SecondHand Radio. My guest will be the wonderful Mike from LeSombre. Mike is from a little-known country called Canadia. They have to have electricity and plumbing imported from Botswana, and they primarily use the telegraph for communication, but he assures me he’ll track down a phone to call in to the show.

Don’t be frightened of the photo. That’s Mike at Avitable’s Halloween party. He’s normally not quite so tan. They don’t really have sunshine in Canadia.

Anyway, the show will be tomorrow night at 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific. Hope you’ll join us. And don’t forget, tonight is “Clearly You’re Retarded” at 9pm Eastern, with Adam and Britt. They’re  going to be talking about Internet addiction. I’m sure that doesn’t apply to me. *cough*

Speaking of the Halloween party, Adam finally got around to uploading all of the portrait shots that were taken at his party November 1. Here are the ones that have me in them. You can find the whole set on his Flickr page.

That’s me and Geeky Tai Tai. Grrrrrowl.

And me with Sybil Law. Grrrrowl again.

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This Does Not Compute

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Fisheye

I don’t feel like I’ve taken a breath since last weekend. Not a good breath, anyway. Years ago, when I first started seeing a psychiatrist, he noticed this about me. Knowing a little bit about my background - he was partners with my therapist - he said that people with PTSD are often afflicted with this “lack of breathing.” It’s called Trauma Breathing. I didn’t get it then and even though I’m more than familiar with the phenomenon now, I still don’t understand the whys and wherefores of it.

But I still do it. Often. Kind of only breathe halfway. Hold my breath a lot. Like I need to remain perfectly silent, perfectly still, just to make it through to the next moment. It’s like I’m in some psychic foxhole, trying not to be seen by the enemy. If I make a noise or any sudden movements, it’s The End.

Crazy, right? Well, you’ll find that it’s true of many trauma victims, whether they have PTSD because of war or PTSD because of being raped, etc. Seriously, they are the very same things, psychologically. Trauma is trauma. Do a brain scan of a rape victim and one of a military person straight out of combat…identical.

I don’t know why I still do this trauma breathing. I’m perfectly safe, I think. But there’s clearly a large part of my brain that thinks otherwise. I’m sure this last week hasn’t helped any. It’s an incredibly painful thing, losing a friend and I know that some of you have experienced similar things recently.

The fact that I’m pretty much socially isolated - offline, anyway - makes things even worse. I can count on one finger the number of friends I have in this town. Well, there are others, to be fair. But they’re more like family friends. I care about them, but have never opened up to any of them in the way I need to open up sometimes. Actually, I rarely open up with anyone the way I need to. You’d think I would know better. Hell, I could probably take the state therapist’s licensing test and pass it.

But there are very few people I feel I can open up to. Again with the trauma breathing, just on another level. I need to do something about this. I need to find…people. People I can turn to, people I can hang out with - not just online, but off. But there’s little to do here but go to bars. Or the bookstore. Or coffeeshop. And most of the time I go to those places I tend to isolate. I’m surrounded by people, but scarcely interactive.

It’s that fucking social phobia of mine. I hate it. Kills me.

I go to the very rare occasions like Avitable’s party last weekend and do (relatively) fine. It’s because I’m surrounded by a smaller subgroup of people that I already know. And I always leave functions like that feeling socially energized. But when it comes to local living? I have virtually no one.

I’m tired of it. I have a lot of friends, but they all seem to be spread out around the globe.

Ah well. I’ll just keep trying to breathe.

a

The Devil Inside

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I appreciate the others who called in, and those who hung out in the chatroom to listen. You guys are the best.

Now onto an abbreviated recap of the Halloween party last weekend.

That was our hotel shuttle, which many of us used a great deal since it took us most everywhere we wanted to go during our two-day stay in Orlando. For some reason the sign said “Joy Your Stay.” That kind of became our motto for the weekend.

So I’m not going to post as many photos as I’d like because my freaking image uploader still isn’t working properly in Wordpress. You can see the entire Avitaween Flickr Pool here. Lots of great photos. Like I said, I left my regular camera in the room so I wouldn’t have to lug it around all night, and it’s probably a good thing since I would have likely puked all over my fancy schmancy Fujifilm camera.

Many of us got to Orlando on Friday, the day before the party. I’m not linking to everyone because that would take days. But I drove up Friday afternoon…a 90-minute drive for me. Most everyone else was flying in from all over the place. There was Turnbaby, Mr. Fabulous, Delmer, Christine, Janelle, Sheila, Becky (a different Becky than Hello Haha Narf), Mike, Crys, Poppy, Dawg, and…I think I got everyone. We hung out in the hotel bar for a long while before we caught the shuttle over to a great restaurant called Bahama Breeze.

Then it was yummy food and yummy drinks and yummy friends and yummy laughs. We went back to the Hilton after that (Joy Your Stay!) and back to the bar. We, in fact, closed the bar down. Adam showed up to hang for a while with us.

While we were sitting there, singing impromptu 70’s karaoke thanks to our Internet capable phones/lyrics, Sarah finally arrived around 11:30 or so. Her cabbie was incompetent - got lost on the way - and wanted to charge her $70 for the ride! Adam went outside and bodyslammed the bastard and got her bill worked down to a reasonable $50. Relatively speaking, of course.

So the bar closed and we were hungry/thirsty for more booze and decided to make a booze run. Thanks to Adam being a non-drinker, he agreed to drive a few people to a liquor store, but alas, everything was closed so we were screwed. Some of us - *cough*Turnbaby*cough* - didn’t really need more alcohol, anyway. The rest of us found we were all pretty tired, anyway, so eventually we all split up and went to our rooms.

Saturday I got up around 9am, woken by the beautiful Christine, who continued our coffee tradition from Tequilacon, where she wakes me up with a lovely cup of coffee in hand. I love that woman. I managed to squeeze in one story for Famecrawler and then got a call from Sheila, who wanted to go to McDonalds for breakfast. Since I had my car (and the power) I immediately said, “Sure, I’ll drive,” knowing damn well we weren’t going to McDonalds. Instead, I took the girls to Dennys. There we were tantalized by the balloon-animal woman who refused to make Sheila a cool snake balloon animal without a tip. Bitch.

Back to the hotel, where I hung out with Dawg, Poppy, and Mike in the hotel restaurant while they were at the tail-end of their $20,000 brunch. Then, I saw the Bat Signal. Adam needed help decorating because Clown’s hot water heater burst. Mike and I were all over that like stink on dirty baby diapers. “We get to see everything before everyone else!” we exclaimed.

Drove over to Adam’s house and it was. Magnificent. You can see all the decorations and props in the Flickr pool…more specifically, Adam’s Flickr. There was a great neon sign outside the garage, along with a ticket booth. You had to walk through a “tunnel” to get into the house, accompanied by the eeriest fucking calliope music I’ve ever heard.

As you walked through the dark tunnel, you passed this spooky white Styrofoam wig-heads with black lights on both sides of you. Then there was a turn and a scary little mannequin girl, then you came to the final turn, where there were MISSING posters with all of the kiddie photos many of us sent to Adam months back. Here’s mine, thanks to Adam for posting these on Flickr.

MISSING: Karl!

Yeah, that’s me when I was 3. Yeah, I had glasses then, too. From 18 months old I’ve had glasses. Yeah, I’m fucking cute as hell. Yeah, I’m totally available.

So Mike and I helped further darken the dark tunnel with more pieces of black vinylish tablecloth, duct tape, and spray adhesive. We thankfully did NOT have to stick the fucking polka dots all over Adam’s living room ceiling, since that was done already. We helped with some balloons out in the Florida room (what they called a screened-in porch down here). We helped cut the purple and yellow tablecloth strips to hang from the walls and ceiling. And we all sweat our asses off. Thank God it cooled down by that night.

Mike and I left and went back to the hotel. Then a big group of us went back to Bahama Breeze for lunch. Dave2, Diana, and Sybil showed up while we were there. Then a handful of us went to the movies to see “Zack and Miri Make a Porno,” the new Kevin Smith flick. (I enjoyed it, but Poppy is right…it started out with a bang and kind of ended in a whimper.)

Then it was back to the hotel around 6:30 to get cleaned up and dressed in our costumes. As you all know by now, I went as a half-man/half-woman, shaving my month-long beard right down the center. Christine helped me immensely by cutting half of my wig and then applying my make-up (thanks to Sheila).

Karl, taken by Sarah

There are a few shots of me at the party, which you can find in that Flickr pool. There were a shitload of people there, about 15-20 more than what Adam expected.

The decorations were even better than when Mike and I left. Adam and Clown did a phenomenal job with these props, folks, working on it since the summer. Words just can’t do it justice.

Great food, great drinks (with bartender), great people, great conversations, great costumes. Sensing a theme?

Karl and Shash, from Shash

As I said on the radio show last night, the conversations were many, ranging from the inane to the esoteric. I talked about living in Europe with a few people, my Katy Perry video came up a multitude of times, and I talked politics with a pimp. I met and fell in love with Faiqa (damn her Love Guru husband!), fell in love (again) with Finn/Megan, fell in love with Sybil Law - okay, I fell in love with a lot of women - I sang karaoke several times, watched Christine dance with a LILF (Lesbian I’d Like to…), and drank copious amounts of strong drinks.

I was doing just fine. UNTIL Sybil Law (in a hot Wonder Woman outfit) made me a drink after the bartender left. She poured in every alcohol on the bar…Jaeger, Tequila, Rum, eye of newt, and I don’t know what else. She insists there was a splash of Sprite in there, but I don’t know about that.

At any rate, my next memory is me projectile vomiting somewhere in Adam’s house (hopefully the patio), being rushed out to the back yard where the vomiting continued, and then being escorted to one of the chair loungers, where I proceeded to lay down and pass out for hours.

Karl Passed Out, by Becky

Then I woke up around 4:30am or so and stumbled through the house, where someone led me by the arm to the front, where a taxi awaited with Delmer and Sybil already in the back seat.

Back to the hotel. Woke up rudely at about 9:00am. Sybil overslept for her flight home, which was scheduled to leave at 10:30. She called and asked for a ride to the airport. I packed all my stuff in record time, taking time to shave the other half of my beard - I may show my jinglies on video but I wasn’t about to wear half a beard the rest of the day - and rushed downstairs to the lobby.

The rushing continued as I checked out, quickly shook hands and gave hugs to Poppy, Christine, Dawg, Mike, and others, and drove light-speed to the airport. The whole way Sybil was moaning about her head and her black-crunchy hair. Even doing 90, I pulled up in front of her terminal at 10:15. We hugged, said it was a blast, and she zoomed off to the terminal…where she waited for hours in line at the counter, totally missed her flight, and subsequently waited until 6pm to get the hell out of Orlando.

I got home around 1pm, forgetting about the time change overnight. And I pretty much went right to bed when I got home.

And that was the party in a nutshell. A big, winded, nutshell.

Whew! I might make note that this was the first time I’ve EVER thrown up due to alcohol. For decades, I enjoyed this magical switch inside that tells me, “One more sip and you’re gonna puke.” Apparently, that switch is now broken.

Thanks and many apologies to Adam for a tremendous party. Dude, you rock.

Joy Your Stay.

a

Joy Your Stay: Halloween Recap

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Tuesday I had a shitload of medical appointments, both in town and out. Since I go to the V.A. for my medical care, I typically go to the little clinic here in Sebring. But whenever something specialized is needed, it’s off to the “parent” center in St. Pete…a 2-hour drive each way.

So I went to the doctor in Sebring Tuesday morning. Verdict: sugar is still not controlled. Time to add regular insulin to my regimen. This means possibly having multiple shots a day. I already take long-acting insulin in the morning and at bedtime. Ugh. Shots suck.

In St. Pete I had to have a cardiac stress test. That’s where they shave your chest a little, stick leads all over your upper torso, and then put you on a treadmill to get your heartrate up while monitoring your heart activity. Obviously - *cough* - I’m in great shape so this test fucking KILLED me. The incline on the treadmill kept going up and up and speeding up and up and my legs were screaming for mercy. Finally, my heartrate got up to 151 and they let me stop. Results pending, but they said it looked okay.

Then it was time for my eyes to get examined so I can get the left lens replaced in my specs. It’s all scratched up and I can’t remember how I did it. And they’re polycarbonate lenses, too, which are supposed to be like titanium and shit. Vision hasn’t changed that much. New glasses probably next month when I can afford them. Fortunately, most all of my vision is done through my right eye, so I can barely tell the left lens is scratched.

Oh, and I hate having my eyes dilated.

Then, I went for a chest x-ray to see if my lungs are black or not. Again, results pending. I should know when I go back to my doctor in 3 weeks for a follow-up to the diabetes. Course, I assume that if something iffy comes back on the x-rays, I’ll get a call before then.

So that’s where things stand medically. Yay me.

In the meantime, I’m bumming hardcore. I had a falling out with a very close friend and it feels like I can’t catch my breath. I appreciate all the supportive tweets and emails from everyone. I’ll be okay. Still, it hurts like a bitch right now, much worse than breaking up with a girlfriend.

Sarah Joy, Sybil Law, and Delmer

Tonight, however, we celebrate with fun time! It’s another episode of SecondHand Radio and my guest is the beautiful Sybil Law, who I got to meet in person at Avitable’s Halloween party last Saturday. She dressed up as Wonder Woman and really made me wanna ride her invisible jet. I snagged this photo from Sarah Joy. There’s Sarah Joy, Sybil, and Delmer towering over them as Delmers are wont to do.

Hope you’ll join us at 10pm Eastern, 7pm Central tonight. We’ll talk about anything and everything and you’re all welcome to call in or join in on the chatroom action. Or both.

If you go to Talkshoe.com and register ahead of time (if you haven’t already), you can easily come into chat and call in so that Talkshoe will automatically recognize you. You can click on the 2HT Radio in the top banner of my blog for more information.

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SecondHand Radio with Sybil Law

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I’ll recap the big Halloween party tomorrow. I’m waiting for more photos to filter into Flickr. I’m sure you’ve seen lots of them already. It was a magnificent time, even if I did wind up puking. In Avitable’s house. DAMN that Sybil Law and her bartending “skills.”

Funny thing, though. As I was pulling what few photos I took off my memory card, I found lost footage from the final birthday dare. This was going to be an essential part of the video and I could have sworn I got everything off the card the first time. Apparently not.

I’m not going to dub the original song here, but this is a scene I filmed - or Mindy filmed - on her bed. Since I couldn’t find the footage, I used a lot more of the porch footage from outside. It all worked out in the end, but I thought I’d show you this bit. Consider it the “deleted” scene from the pending DVD. OK, there really won’t be a DVD, but you get the idea.

And if for some reason you can’t see the video here, then try this link instead.

a

Birthday Dares: The Lost Footage

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Tonight my guest on SecondHand Radio is Christine Texiera from Pocket CT. Christine was my roommate at TequilaCon 08 and she’s a little dynamo. AND she’s coming to Florida tomorrow for the big Halloween party at Avitable’s! I’m hoping my other roommate, Jan, shows up tonight, too.

Please join us at 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific on Talkshoe. If you haven’t already registered, you might want to register at Talkshoe before the show so you can join in on the chatroom action during the show.

Hope to see you there!

a

SecondHand Radio Tonight with Christine and (maybe) Jan

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Afternoon Karl

Damn blog. Still haven’t figured out what the hell is wrong with it. Can’t upload graphics using the Flash uploader that is de facto in Wordpress. I did, however, find that I can use the browser-based uploader. Not as nifty, but functional. I know enough to be dangerous but I’m still pretty clueless to Wordpress. If any of you out there might know why I’m seeing the “HTTP error” whenever I upload graphics, let me know, please.

That’s all it says. One second it’s “crunching,” the next: “HTTP error.” No, there’s no number after it.

I voted early yesterday. I don’t mean early in the day, I mean I voted early…before November 4. I think it’s a great option that’s only been made available in recent years. I mean, yeah, when I was in the military I voted by absentee all the time. But having the option available to go before November 4, when everything is all crazy for 12 hours of poll time? Very nice. Granted, in a small town, even Election Day itself isn’t all that difficult. No major wait times that I’ve seen.

But it’s done, that’s the point. I have voted. I just wish I could fast forward through Election Day as quickly as I fast forward the commercials while watching “Heroes” on the Tivo.

I missed a hell of a weekend in Orlando, I’m sure. I was supposed to go hang with the girls up there and just couldn’t afford it. Not until my paycheck came, which it did. Today. Oh well, there’ll be a next time, I’m sure.

And even though it’s my first full paycheck, it’s pretty much spent already. This round of money goes to (1) the mechanic, and (2) the dentist. I have a lot to go in the Great Dental Adventure, I know. And with no dental insurance? Owch.

I did drop the car off at the mechanic yesterday afternoon and it’ll be ready on Wednesday. Finally, after well over a year, I’ll have fully-operable windows! I can once again go through drive-thru’s! Just in time for me to drive up to Orlando on Friday, too.

Yes, the time draws near for Avitable’s big Halloween party this weekend. I’m going to hang with lots of my favorite people and some new faves, too. Crystal is coming! Christine is coming! Lots and lots of folks. And I’m bringing a civilian, too. My friend Mindy is coming - she’s the girl who costarred with me in my final birthday dare video.

Thankfully, this also means that the Beard Countdown is down to five days. I’ve been growing this sucker since I did that aforementioned birthday dare and I can’t wait to get rid of it. Look at all the grey!

I could really use this party in a big way. I need to expand my circle of friends and, though I was really looking forward to a weekend with the girls last weekend, I knew I couldn’t afford it. So this weekend is hopefully what the doctor ordered. I’ve been stressed and disappointed the last few days and I need a break.

I need some fun. I need some relationship. Badly.

So it’s time for me to do something about it.

a

Broken Blogs, Broken Relationships, Broken Bank

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My guest is the beautiful Crystal from Clearly Crystal. I have a big crush on this gal and if you read her and watch her video posts, I know you do, too. And if you don’t have her in your feedreader, add her now. She’s groovy. And dreamy.

Hope you’ll join us tonight.

Showtime: 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific.

a

SecondHand Radio Tonight: Clearly Crystal

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