“That’s an amusing video,” said my therapist today.
“Thanks. My sister didn’t think so.”
“Well, can you blame her?”
“A little. It’s pretty funny, if I do say so myself.”
“You said shiva over her.”
“Over our relationship, actually. But yeah, that’s what made it funny. Plus, the tombstone.”
“You came up with the captions?”
I nodded. “I came up with the whole thing. It’s amazing what you can do when you’re manic. And pissed off. And inside my head.”
“You have a lot of these videos?” he asked.
“If we met for an hour, once a week, I could keep us busy for months with nothing but my videos. But I don’t know if you’d like them all.”
“You’re very funny.”
“Don’t act so surprised.”
“I’d like you to make more.”
“More funeral videos?” I said. “That seems a tad excessive. I’m already on the outs with half my family.”
“More videos…period. It’ll help break you out of your shell.”
“But you don’t get it. Videos are rather easy for me. It wouldn’t help with my ‘shell’ or being shy or whatever. I just pretend I’m talking to a friend when I make them.”
“It’s an expression of you. I think that’s important.”
“It’s silly comedy bullshit, is what it is.”
“I think it’s more than that,” he said.
“So part of my assignment for next time is to make another video? Which, by the way, I’d likely be doing, anyway?”
“Yes. Also, getting you out of the house more. We’ll also explore the idea of possibly finding you a girlfriend.”
“Now we’re getting somewhere,” I said. “The Matrix Therapist never helped get me a girlfriend!”
“Who is The Matrix Therapist?”
“Long story.” NOTE TO SELF: I need to come up with a code name for the New Therapist.
He reached in a drawer and pulled something out and handed it to me. “Here,” he said.
“You have any weapons in the house, Karl?”
“No, actually. No, I don’t. Not a one.”
“Well, you can have this, anyway.”
“In case a gun mysteriously materializes in my home?”
“Well, you can either give it away or use it for your gym locker.”
“Does this gut look like I go to the gym?” I ask.
“Heh, you’re very funny.”
“Yes, so you keep saying. I don’t think I need a gun lock. Why don’t you save it for when someone who HAS a gun comes along?”
“I’d feel better if you took it,” he said.
He nodded. “I would.”
“Even though I don’t have a gun and never ever have any INTENTION of getting a gun?”
“Fine. I’ll take it. Though now I feel a little compelled to go buy a gun.”
“Still being funny?”
“Well, I’m trying.”