Top 10 List of Resolutions Karl is Not Making for 2013
10. I will stop repeating myself. I will also stop repeating myself.
9. I will stop singing karaoke.
8. I will stop being so damn handsome and made up of raw sexual energy and pheromones, so that women will stop tearing their clothes off whenever they’re within two city blocks of me. Clothes are expensive – especially good bras and panties – and it’s not fair of me to make women constantly need to buy more of them.
7. I will be less sarcastic and offensive on Facebook and in life in general.
6. I will try not to be so funny, so that people quit spewing beverages through their noses when reading my stuff here, on Facebook, and listening to me speak in person. Y’know, for those of you that are lucky enough to be around me in person.
5. I will start producing more brown hair in my beard again. Go away, grey!
4. I will dye away all the grey hair in my beard like some vain bitch that thinks that shit matters because, yo, that shit matters.
3. I will read that amazingly well-written tome of literary triumph, 50 Shades of Grey. Then I will write my own 2,000-page piece of fan fiction, entitled “50 Shades of Grey Matter Smeared on Every Brick Wall in Town From Where I Bashed My Skull in Having to Read ’50 Shades of Grey.’”
2. I will care more about what everybody thinks of me and act accordingly.
1. I will stop making Top 10 Lists just because it’s what everyone else is doing.