So Karin and the fam just left a while ago to go back home. Once again, I’m left here frustrated, at a loss. Mom is simply not doing what needs to be done, and that’s making me nuts.
She isn’t up and walking around like she should be. In fact, she’s in bed 95% of the time. She isn’t using her breathing tools (the incentive spirometer (sp?) and the acapella thingie) as often as she should be. She’s not sitting upright in bed, nor getting into the chair to sit a while. Bed, bed, bed. “I’m wiped,” “I’m tired,” “I wish I was home.”
Yeah, well, maybe if you were doing all the things being ordered, you’d be home by now.
It’s unlike her to do a half-assed job at anything, yet there she stays…in bed, watching TV or napping. All the while short of breath, getting breathing treatments every four hours, and REFUSING TREATMENT. Yeah, the nurse told Karin and I that Mom refused a respiratory treatment this morning, telling the RT, “I can refuse any goddamn treatment I want.”
Wonderful. Because after two weeks of being in the hospital, I’m looking forward to daily stays (visits) for ANOTHER two weeks. Not so much.
I don’t know what else to do. I tell her, “Let’s take a walk” and she says, “Not right now.” I shove the incentive spirometer at her and she might use it 5 or 6 times, whereas she’s supposed to be using it every hour. EVERY HOUR. I tell her she’s got to SIT UP, she keeps pushing that damn bed button that lowers her down to nearly flat.
What the fuck?
I’m tired of playing the parent to a woman who knows better, a nurse for fuck’s sake. I know damn well that if it were me in that bed, she’d be all over my ass to do what’s required of me. It’s bullshit.
I can’t keep this up forever. I don’t have it in me, I really don’t. I’m not that strong. Going there every day is sucking the life out of me.
So yeah…just a tad frustrated.
Karl, sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s very hard when our parents are sick and they behave like children!
So…do you have to go there every day? Maybe a break would do you good and help you gain a better perspective. And maybe if you’re not there, your mom will get bored and do what she needs to be doing to get better. Or maybe the nurses will keep on her if you’re not there all the time.
I don’t know if any of this is true, but a change might do you both good. :Hugs:
Kathryn (@kat1124)´s last blog ..Struggling
Reply
Caregiver burnout. Very. VERY. Normal. Please don’t apologize for being frustrated.
I’m sorry. I know it’s hard to watch someone refuse to do the things that will help them.
thepsychobabble´s last blog ..Today is a Lazy Day
Reply
I’m so sorry, Karl. I can’t really say anything to make it better. Just that I’m thinking of you and wishing you peace. *hugs*
Becky´s last blog ..Books- Runaway
Reply
Ugh! I’m sorry. I think what Kathryn said makes sense. You probably need a break.
Shelli´s last blog ..I’m a Big A Chicken
Reply
I have no helpful comment, other than to say you are a way better son than I would be.
I would be in the door frame saying, “looks like you’ve given up, so Imma give up too, later!” and leave.
Poppy´s last blog ..I’m Possible
Reply
Yep – I would totally leave, too, like Poppy. Tell her you’ll come back when she’s ready to try and get better.
Damn. So sorry you have to deal with it at all. I hope she realizes what she needs to do, and fast.
xoxo
Sybil Law´s last blog ..My Awesome Jonas Brothers Review
Reply
So what if you don’t go? What if you tell her you’ll be back to visit when the nurses tell you she’s doing everything she’s supposed to? Would tough love work? And maybe save your sanity a little at the same time?
Twenty Four At Heart´s last blog ..People Dont Realize
Reply
As someone who just lost her mom in May, I say, “Stay with your mom. Don’t leave.” This woman is your mother, not your “problem” or your “patient” she is your mother! The person who loves you more than anyone else on this earth, the person that has loved you more than anyone else and you want a “break” because you are frustrated? What about when you were 9 months old and not sleeping through the night? How many nights did your mom sit up with you while you wouldn’t sleep? What about when you had an ear ache and called her crying from school and she had to drop everything to take you to the doctor? Not knowing what your childhood was like, I can only assume your mom did drop a lot to be by your side when she would have rather been anywhere but by your side, but you weren’t her “problem” or her “inconvenience” nope, you were and are her son.
I know it’s hard as the child to look to your parent and see weakness, but you simply must. You aren’t some 12 year old child that has had this thrown upon them, nope. You are grown ass man who doesn’t have anything else in this world to do other than to take care of him mom because that is what you are suppose to do right now. Your mom needs you and you need to be there for her. Is she being difficult? Hell yes! Wouldn’t you be as well? She is coming to terms with the fact that she isn’t the woman she thought she was as little as two years ago, she isn’t as strong as she thought she was, she has her own weaknesses and she needs time to take all that in for herself and figure out what it means for her. You aren’t handling her weaknesses that well, how do you expect her to handle them?
And I really hope that we are good enough friends that you know that I am saying all this out of love for you and your mom. I really don’t know mean to step on your toes, I promise! So I’m really sorry to come off as a 100% royal ass bitch- I know I’ve crossed all kind of lines with this comment, but I just lost my mom and I would give anything is she was “just being difficult” instead of dead.
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 9:18 am
@Janelle, I have no intention of not going to the hospital. I’m just venting my frustration because I want to see her out of the hospital. It’s two weeks now.
Reply
Janelle Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 10:04 am
@Secondhand Karl, I understand. I know you are frustrated and I get that. It’s just everyone else seems to be saying it’s ok to leave her alone until she realizes that you can’t help her until she helps herself and while I understand that as well, this situation is just too hard for me to sit back and not share my point of view with you even if goes against the grain. If you were some nobody that I could care less about, I would have sat back and not said anything, but I care about you more than that.
But you made me happy, you said in your post that you weren’t strong enough to do this, but in your reply to me you said that you have no intention of not going to the hospital, I think that is perfectly said because you can’t just leave your mom there alone. Not ok in my book no matter how difficult she is being. Especially since you and her seem to share the same closeness that me and my mom shared. So, kudos to you for not leaving your mom. Push her, push her hard- yes, please do! But don’t leave her. She needs you more than ever right now, she needs to push her no matter how hard she pushes back, and you are stronger in this situation than she is. She needs to you be.
Thank you for saying that you aren’t going to leave her, I feel much better now
And really, making me feel better is what you live for, LOL
Janelle´s last blog ..Stand and Deliver The best ever made- right And I’m 14- not an adult!!
Reply
If you continue to visit her and attempt to get her to do the medical things she needs to do to save her own life, you are telling her that you agree with her wishes in not taking care of herself.
You must tell her that you love her but that you can not continue to sit back and watch her make herself worse by refusing what is necessary for her to be well.
Then, you tell her to call you when she is ready to comply with the doctor’s wishes.
You’re not abandoning her. You’ll be giving her the kick in the ass she really needs.
Any other path would make you an enabler. She needs to take responsibility for her own health issues. Sure, she’s depressed right now because of the increasing amount of health issues she’s had this past year, BUT in the same token, she’s given up, decided not to fight, and she wants you to go along with it so she doesn’t have to fight for herself.
We can love our parents unconditionally, but I think what you are feeling is anger at her for refusing to get better. And it is her choice.
You don’t have to participate.
Reply
I am so sorry you’re going though this. I can imagine how frustrating it is for you.
What’s the worst that would happen if you didn’t go every day? What if you went every other day? Or what if you waited and went later in the day and didn’t stay all day? You’ve got to take care of you too.
Becky´s last blog ..Changing Landscapes
Reply