Day 5 of 28.
Last night was a rough one. And I suspect the weekend is going to be tough, too. During the week, they keep you very busy. There’s a class or group almost all the time from 8 in the morning until 3 or 4 in the afternoon.
It’s the nights and weekends where I struggle. All the downtime with very little to do. Some of you might say that’s a good thing. It’s not for me.
Tried watching a movie last night for a bit (“Master and Commander”), but it wasn’t clicking with me. So I got up and wandered over to the bank of computers. Spent about half an hour on email and Facebook, but that wasn’t clicking, either.
With the rain coming down in buckets for a short time, I couldn’t go outside to smoke. Went to my room and laid in bed, staring at the ceiling for 45 minutes.
What the fuck am I doing here? I don’t belong here. How am I gonna make it for a month in this place? I miss home. I miss my routine. I miss my bed. I miss everything that isn’t HERE. I miss not having to lock all my shit up in a drawer or locker. I don’t belong here. There are 37 acoustical ceiling tiles.
Over and over again, ad nauseum.
Then I said “fuck it” and just went to bed around 9:15. Woke up at 6 this morning.
It’s the anhedonia. I don’t feel like doing a damn thing, yet I curse the boredom. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
Today I’m dragging my ass, trying not to fall asleep, watched a little bootleg copy of “Robin Hood” in one of the TV rooms. Now I’ve started a load of laundry – well, I can put it all in one load, really, which I did – and I’m praying the damn washer runs all the way through the cycle.
It’s 11:30am. What I’m going to do for the rest of the day, I don’t know. There’s a meeting tonight I’m supposed to go to, another one in the morning, which everyone says is great but I’m not looking forward to because it’s outside and it’s hotter than Satan’s armpit out there.
“But there are free donuts and coffee!” someone told me. That doesn’t matter to me, honestly.
I don’t know if I have what it takes to complete this damn thing. I don’t know if I WANT to have what it takes.
Mentioned how rough a night I had to one of the guys at breakfast. He said the first week is a bitch, then it flows fast.
We’ll see.
I hope things turn around quickly (maybe that guy is right), and you start settling into a (temporary) new routine. Hang in there. We’re rooting for you. XOXO
Tracy´s last blog ..Still alive…
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What is everyone else doing? Can you join in? (I know you hate that shit, but isn’t that part of what you are working on?) I don’t know what to tell you, other than to hang on. Just one day at a time, right?
I love you and admire the fact that you’re trying this.
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Just get your ass through the weekend. I know that’s not helpful, but you could start drawing cartoons, or something.
Ha. My suggestions suck, huh?
I’m trying, here!!
You can do it, though.
xo
Sybil Law´s last blog ..update
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The first week of doing anything that isn’t part of your normal routine is an adjustment. I’m guessing that’s what this person was referring to.
Hang in there.
martymankins´s last blog ..All Things Cherry
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I’ve always sensed great strength in you.
If I were you, I would tough it out if only so no one could say you didn’t give it a fair chance.
I know you’re bored and it’s not where you want to be, but I believe in you. I have faith that you can not only do this, but get better.
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I think the point of a program like this actually *is* to make you squiggle and wiggle and find peace with knowing how to handle the quiet times. You’ve become so dependent on always having something to hold your attention that you’re unaware how to survive in those moments that aren’t always jacked into the main frame of the Internet.
I’m kind of surprised that they are letting you use computers and iPhones, honestly. I just think the recovery process would be more effective if some of the crutches were put away. Um, I am not trying to be a bitch at all…I am just saying.
Maybe after the first week, this process will embrace you rather than vexing you.
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are you allowed care packages, or just letters?
flutter´s last blog ..medulla oblongata
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You can do it. You know you can. Love you.
bubblewench´s last blog ..Another week goes flying by…
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Wanting to have what it takes to complete this has absolutely nothing to do with it — the question is, are you willing to do whatever it takes to get better?
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