Desperate times call for desperate measures, so they say. Which is why I found myself today at church. It’s been so long, I expected a Monty-Pythonesque Finger of God to come out of the clouds and squash me like a bug before I could enter the building. No such luck.
God only knows the last time I went to confession. Oops, I mean reconciliation. I have enough material to cause a priest’s ears to spew smoke with the sound of a 1,000 pressure cookers going off at once.
But I need help, and something tells me God already knows all my shit, so I took a chance and went, anyway. Maybe 10 people were at Mass, whole thing lasted 20 minutes, which is like SpeedMass or something.
I got there about 10 minutes early, so I could reacquaint myself. See, God and I have a very tenuous relationship. My doing, not His. Like the story goes, I’ve been rather distant from God. God’s answer: “Well, guess who moved?” Yeah, that’d be me.
I don’t feel Him at all these days. Used to, a lot. Nowadays, I’m too busy being miserable to notice Him. I feel like God’s Punching Bag.
So I did the proper standing, kneeling, sitting, standing again things. Took the Eucharist and hoped for miraculous healing. Did my best to pray in my head (“God, I know it’s been a long time, but Holy Crap, do I need help so please do Your thing and erase all the bad shit in my head and make me feel better…”) but heard no response.
And when I walked out of the church and got back in my car, I felt no improvement…just the furnace heat that Florida is producing of late. Then I heard this song come on my iPod:
Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?
I’m sorry Karl. I know you feel alone, but you’re not. I hope there’s some comfort in that.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
May 3rd, 2010 at 7:57 pm
@Nancy from Fear and Parenting in LV, Thanks.
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I think the trick is to keep talking to Him. Even when you feel like you don’t deserve God’s love or peace, you do. God will never ever let you down or let you feel alone so keep reaching out to him, especially when you are at your lowest.
And wow, yes…I just said that.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
May 3rd, 2010 at 8:37 pm
@Hilly, Yeah, I do need to be talking. Thanks.
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Like Hilly said, keep talking to him, sweetie. He will provide. I was feeling like my luck had run out on a few things last week. I talked, I asked, I let it go and guess what? I got what I needed and today was a damn good day.
Don’t give up. And know that you have at least one person (me), if not many, who are sending up prayers on your behalf.
Finn´s last blog ..Trompe L’oeil
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
May 3rd, 2010 at 8:42 pm
@Finn, Thanks, that means a lot.
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What Hilly and Finn said!!
Keep the conversation going- it actually helps. Me, anyway.
And yeah – he most definitely has a sense of humor!!
xoxo
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
May 3rd, 2010 at 9:58 pm
@Sybil Law, He sure does.
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Did you ever stop talking to a friend and then, years later, try to mend the friendship? It’s not an instant rainbow-shitting unicorn. It takes time to rebuild the communication bridge. Keep working on it. It kind of sounds like you’re a little mad at God? For Him making you His personal punching bag? Everything really does happen for a reason. We’re just not always able to see the big picture enough to get it.
It might be a good idea to take all the “please let me chew through an artery so I can die now” music off the iPod for a while. There’s a lot to be said for Neil Diamond.
Wendy´s last blog ..Dear Thomas
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
May 3rd, 2010 at 10:00 pm
@Wendy, That’s from the Kick-Ass soundtrack. I like it. It’s all angsty and shit.
Yeah, I am having difficulty with big picture right now.
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He’s freakin’ hysterical!
He will answer. Just give Him time. Sometimes, it’s not always what we’re looking for. Sometimes, He just sends friends like us who say, “Hey, Karl, we’re here, ya big dork, so give us a talking to, too, and we’ll try to help.”
Shelli´s last blog ..Life, Concentrated
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
May 5th, 2010 at 10:14 am
@Shelli, It’s my patience that’s part of the problem. I’ll continue on the path…and thanks.
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A. You’re not alone
B. For sure on the Big Man’s sense of humor. How else would you explain the bumblebee. Or the Platypus. Or the Ostrich….
Hmmmm???
ADW´s last blog ..A Short Story
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
May 5th, 2010 at 10:14 am
@ADW, Very true. Heh.
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I’m so glad you’re finding a path, hon. So very glad.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Of Migraines, Terry Tate, and Amazing Husbands
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