I’d Give Anything Not to Tell You This, But Sometimes Nightmares are Real

Had my first ever videoconference with a shrink today. First ever videoconference, ever, actually. Went pretty well.

The Matrix Therapist had sent the doc the list of meds I’d brought in for her to look at…the ones I was taking 10 years ago, the ones that actually were doing something. And the shrink actually looked that shit over BEFORE we met.

Pretty cool setup, and I had about 40 minutes of her time, which was also cool. We’re stopping the Geodon, even though I’m only taking a third of the max dosage. Gonna try Abilify again.

It’s important to note that the one and only time I’ve had an adverse reaction to a medication – and I’ve been on a LOT of meds – was with Abilify. I fainted. After ONE dose.

But.

I now suspect that the fainting (and it was years ago, after I was first diagnosed as bipolar) was a low blood-sugar event. So we are gonna try it again, because I’ve heard really good things about Abilify. Plus, it doesn’t have a sedating effect, which Geodon is known to have at higher dosages. I want to be calm and relaxed, but I don’t want to feel sleepy all the time. Fuck that.

First, as I mentioned already, we’re gonna have to ween me off the Geodon. That’ll take only about 10 days or so to do, and I don’t look forward to being without something in my system for that long, even if I don’t think it’s doing anything. Could takes weeks or (God help me) months for Abilify to gain full efficacy. Not looking forward to that, either, especially since it’s hard to maintain hope. So many drugs do nothing for me.

We’re also going to try a new med for the nightmares. She asked me if I’d ever taken anything for them, and I said, “Like what? Name a drug and I’ll tell you if I’ve tried it.” She did, and I hadn’t. No one has EVER suggested a med to specifically target the nightmares. I didn’t even think to ASK for such a thing.

The nightmares, ugh. I won’t even get into detail about them here. Some of them are really horrific. The most common theme is I’m being chased by baddies, sometimes monsters that make “Nightmare Before Christmas” and “Hellboy” monsters look warm and fuzzy, sometimes it’s people. Always within arm’s reach, constantly grabbing at my shirt, just touching the back of my neck. And I’m not a runner, people. Hell, I consider walking to my car exercise. But I run like a mutherfucker in my nightmares. Trust me, you would, too.

I’ve woken myself up falling on the floor on multiple occasions, and it’s always when I’m kicking at the blankets on my feet, thinking they’re monsters trying to grab me. Hit my head on the nightstand more than once falling out of bed. Plus, the sleepwalking…I’ve done that, too. So the suggestion of Ambien today didn’t go over well with me. Never tried it, but I don’t need to be DRIVING in my sleep, and that’s not unheard of on Ambien. I’m not about to start hiding my car keys from my own damn self.

I was told during my very first psychiatrist meeting – back in the mid 90’s – that the average person has one nightmare a year. ONE. That is alarming to me, still. I don’t know if it’s true or not. I just know that it’s nowhere CLOSE to my reality.

I have 2 or 3 a week, minimum. The prospect of meds that can help with that? It’s too much too hope for, honestly. If it doesn’t work, I’m going to be really let down. And I suspect I’m going to be really let down.

So…weening off the Geodon. Starting Abilify after that, which should arrive in the mail with the nightmare vanquishing med. Can’t remember the name of that one right now.

I took notes during our videoconference. I like this doc. She’s good. She listens, she offers advice, she explains things well without being condescending. She’s proactive. She doesn’t think Adderall is a good fit for me, even though I clearly remember it working well. And I’m willing to listen to her, and believe her.

I just don’t know if I have the patience for this go-round of Karl’s Medication Olympic Trials. I say that every time, and I mean it every time, but this time it REALLY feels true. Coming off the tail-end of a strong manic phase only serves to give me sharp contrast between mania and my usual depressive state. And it hurts. A lot.

But I’m a survivor, right?

Speaking of which, a big happy anniversary to Violence Unsilenced. Maggie celebrates a year today, as do the many people that have broken the silence. She is doing great work over there. Go show some love, eh?