Trying this blogging from my iPhone thing. Liking Neil’s little posts.
Took the pill at 9. Didn’t faint. That’s something, I suppose.
Ran some errands. Leaving the house isn’t something that comes easily. Wanted to shoot some assclown in the Walmart parking lot for honking their horn.
The bank teller asked how I was.
“I want to curl up in a fetal ball and sleep for a year. Maybe 2011 will be better. How are you?”
Ok, didn’t say it. But I wanted to. Naturally, I answered what I always answer when people ask that insincere question.
I smiled and said, “I’m fine.”
No one wants a genuine answer when they ask how we are. It’s just this autopilot reflex thing we say when we cross paths with someone. It’s asked with the same intonation as “Hi” or maybe “I had a meatbull sub for lunch.”
Similar when we are passing someone on the sidewalk. We feel compelled to acknowledge the other person with a “What’s up?” We don’t give a fuck about what’s up with this stranger. It’s just this odd need to be polite.
I kept my head down in Walmart. No contrived interactions today, thanks. Just study your shoes, Karl. Man, they need a shine.
I’m ashamed that I do nothing but bitch. Like I have it so rough. I know it’s the Beast talking, doesn’t matter. Knowing it and feeling it are two different things entirely.
I have a ton to do. Yet stripping out of my clothes to take a nap seems too much effort.
Anhedonia sucks ass.
So sick of myself. I feel THIS CLOSE to just dropping off the grid. I’m just a miserable fuck wasting my life away. .
Oops. I mean I’m fine.
SOME people *do* want the truth. Even when it’s ugly. Even when it’s hard to swallow. Even if it might change tomorrow.
Look something up for me….’Night Minds’ by Missy Higgins. <3
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 8:18 pm
@Angel, Some people. But it’s not really that, so much as it is me not wanting to tell them how it really is. I’ll check the song.
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Angel Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 9:29 pm
@Secondhand Karl,
you know who is asking for real. Have some faith in those relationships. They can withstand the truth.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 10:22 pm
Most of the people that meet that criteria are reading my blog already. So they know how I’m doing.
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Yeah – I pretty much tell people the truth. Fuck ‘em – their fault for asking, anyway!
xoxo
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 8:19 pm
@Sybil Law, I’m not dumping my shit on an innocent bystander. Heh.
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Maybe if you could change your way of thinking, you wouldn’t put your head down to avoid the masses.
Yeah. That WAS pretty easy to say.
But it comes out of the mouth of someone who has been there. A gazillion times.
Keeping my head down. Not letting anyone really see me. Because if they did, they’d steer clear of me. Cross to the other side of the street. And I’d catch a glance of them doing it and further compound my extremely low self-esteem, I’d think, “I don’t blame them. If I weren’t me, I’d walk to the other side of the street too.”
Yeah. Been there.
As soon as you really begin to believe and FEEL that you are not as f**’d up as you think you are, your world is going to open up. YOU’LL open up.
Your head won’t be down.
But … hey. You know all that. You just don’t believe it yet.
You will.
In time.
Oh, and tell your brain take a flying f**k.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 8:21 pm
@teebopop, It’s not so much the self-esteem as it is me not wanting to deal with people right now. Especially the plastic people. Right now, a lot of society and social interaction seems contrived.
And I think I’ll always feel weird on the inside.
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I’ve always said “not too bad” when people ask how I am. And while life is busy most days and things get overwhelming, the “not too bad” works, but I’ve been trying to change my phrase to be “doing ok” which is more positive but still allows for the day to be a bit shitty.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
February 26th, 2010 at 2:01 pm
@martymankins, Sometimes I answer, “You don’t wanna know.”
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Karl,
I totally get what you are saying in this post and your last post. I was just thinking last night, “Ya know… all it would take to make this better” as I was looking in my medicine cabinet at all the variety of all the goodies that I could pop in my mouth and make it all end. But, I can’t.. the only thing that stops me is my kids.
But I am so freaking, no – fucking sick of all of it. It seems so matter how hard you try at work, you get shit on, no matter how hard you try to keep your finances in order, you bounce another motherfuckin’ check because you forgot to transfer money. Some day’s its all just crap.
And when someone asks, “How are you?” What can I say other than, “Good. And you?”
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
February 26th, 2010 at 2:03 pm
@Janelle, That wouldn’t really make anything “better,” but I know what you’re saying. I’m sick of it all, too. But I keep pushing on. One of these damn things I’m trying will work…at some point. Just moving forward one day at a time.
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I did a blog post on this after my sister died. People who are asking you the question don’t really stick around for the answer, either. How are you? Fine has become as common a greeting as hello.
Personally, I have two ways of asking the question.
How are you? – I know you will just say fine and I’m okay with leaving it at that for now.
How are you? and don’t you dare tell me fine or I will kick your ass into next week! – I really want to know how you are doing, the good, bad and ugly.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
February 26th, 2010 at 2:03 pm
@Lynda, Heh. Often, “fine” is the most expedient answer when I just don’t want to be bothered.
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Sometimes I say, do you really want to know…and yes, sometimes people do. Sometimes, not so much! So, how the hell are you Karl?
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
March 4th, 2010 at 9:18 am
@Chris, I’m fine.
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