Where I React Profoundly Upon Seeing it’s My Two-Year Twitterversary

First off, there will be NO SECONDHAND RADIO SHOW tomorrow (Thursday). My guest, Danielle, had a last-minute thing come up. This works out well, since I just found out I’ll be in Daytona Beach for a few days, and the Internet situation looks dire. We’ll reschedule Danielle for later this month.

Second, I’m looking for a new web host for my blog. Now that the holidays are over, I can make this happen. But I want a good host, someone that is very Wordpress friendly. I want to be able to automatically update Wordpress and all plugins from WITHIN Wordpress, something I cannot do with Laughing Squid. Suggestions?

I just found out that my 2-year Twittiversary was a couple of days ago. I saw the stats (31,118 tweets, 1,200+ followers, blah blah) and was rather nonplused about it.

I wonder if I’m supposed to celebrate this moment somehow, say something profound? Or is it one of those who-gives-a-fuck things, just as when someone says “It’s my 25,000th tweet!” or “I adopted a lonely black sheep in IdiotFarmerVille on Facebook!”?

Then I thought, even if it were one of those occasions that calls for commemoration with profundity, what on Earth would I have to say that’s even the slightest bit profound?

Then I thought, why, I have a lot to say that’s profound, thank you very much. In fact, I have so much that – were I so inclined – I could break it into a list of categorized profane (what, that’s totally right, right?) bits.

For Children

The toaster is never meant for helping melt butter. Trust me on this.

A towel cape (with clothespin) doesn’t help you fly anywhere above the first floor. Trust me on this, too.

Every time you refuse to eat your vegetables, a kitty dies. Except for lima beans. Nobody really expects you to eat that nasty shit.

For Teenagers

You’re unique. You’re intelligent. You’re going to think you know better than your parents. You’re going to be wrong. A lot.

For Teenage Girls

A boy who doesn’t open your door for you isn’t worth dating.

For Teenage Boys (and Grown-Ass Men)

There’s a lot more to life than ejaculation.

For Parents

Aside from toilet training, manners are the most important thing you can teach your child. Actually, many people will forgive you shitting your pants if you’re polite about it.

For Men

Not everything needs fixing. Sometimes you just need to shut your piehole and listen to her.

For Women

Not every thought needs broadcasting. Sometimes men really ARE thinking about Nothing. We’re not all deep and shit like the women folk.

Household

When someone else loads the dishwasher, don’t bitch. (Out loud.)

Empty toilet paper rolls are great for putting folded power cords in.

Toilet paper always goes OVER.

One-ply toilet paper is what they use in Hell. Just sayin’.

Random

A lot of profound things are apparently about toilet paper.

If the universe is truly infinite, then there’s no end to the stupidity.

Douchebaggery

When a friend is mean and spiteful and mocking someone, it’s just a matter of time before they aim that pruntiness your way.

Everyone has a bad day…even a bad month. That doesn’t mean you need to take it out on other people.

Politics

The only time you should be shocked about what happens in Washington D.C. is when a politician tells the truth and/or truly gives a fuck about you and me.

Marriage

Always treat your spouse like they’re your favorite person on Earth. Because they’re supposed to be.

Gay Marriage

Gay marriage is about as much a threat to the institution of marriage as a platypus. You might say, “What the hell does a platypus have to do with anything?” And I might say, “Exactly.”

Drugs

There are 100,000 alcohol-related vehicular deaths every year in the United States. According to Drug War Facts, there are ZERO marijuana-related vehicular deaths every year. You do the math.

Religion

If I had to sum up the Bible in two words, they would be these: BE NICE.