Seriously. Something has to give. I find myself constantly struggling to do a thousand things and accomplishing none of them. Sometimes because I can barely speak, let alone actually start DOING ANYTHING.
I’m in a bad spot at the moment. Really fucking down. When I’m like this, I just want to close down, withdraw from everyone and everything. Hell, withdraw from the PLANET.
No, that’s not a suicidal comment. In case you’re my therapist and shit.
I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to tweet or email or Facebook or text…certainly not a phone call. Nothing. Wouldn’t want to infect anyone else with this shit.
Anhedonia, too. Nothing floats my boat right now. Not fucking around on the laptop, not listening to music, not reading, not TV. Shit, not even rubbing one out. And trust me, for me, that’s really saying something.
I wish I could just sleep all the time. Better to be unconscious. Let the world fade away for, what, a week or four?
My life is a fucking mess – physically, emotionally, spiritually. In every way, really. And here I am, feeling like writing a damn post is this monumentally difficult thing worthy of a freaking golden statuette. Brushing my teeth and bathing? Er, whatever.
Everything is hard. Getting off the bed is sometimes all I can do. Which is ok because at least that shows I’m not so far gone that I’m willing to piss and shit myself, rather than get out of bed.
Eating? Once a day. Did I mention that I’m nearly down to my “ideal” weight? Yep. 163 pounds. One of these days I ought to buy clothes. 38 waist is ridiculous on what is now a 32.
So yeah.
go me
team Karl yadda yadda
Hard to care about anything at the moment, least of which is myself.
I know. You’d really like to party with me, right? I’m a blast. Ask anyone.
tonight?
I needed to find and read this.
yo.
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 27th, 2009 at 11:06 am
@ms picket to you, Well, at least there’s that.
Reply
I hear you, dude. I feel the same way most days.
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 27th, 2009 at 11:06 am
@Nobody, Sorry to hear that.
Reply
Karl, sometimes you just need to walk away from the thing(s) that are pulling you the most. If it saves your sanity, and gives you some peace, then that’s what you have to do.
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 27th, 2009 at 11:07 am
@Sassy, Yeah, but walking away from some of the things pulling me the most would be hard. Some of those things I really, really dig usually. Like Twitter.
Reply
Wish there was some magic word, wand, pill, anything that could help take it away. Sorry to hear you feel like shit, I can certainly relate.
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 27th, 2009 at 11:07 am
@cathy, Thanks. I wish magic worked, too.
Reply
As depressed as you feel, the fact that you are still forcing yourself to do stuff, like write this and do the b-day videos and tweet and stuff is great right
see ya at adams
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 27th, 2009 at 11:08 am
@Rachel, Yep, Halloween will be rocking.
Reply
Fuck man! I am feeling bad for ya right now….. If you need a talky or anything, just give me a call man.
I hate it when I have days like that. Don’t worry about what we emailed about…. just come see me & the girls on the 2nd, k?
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 27th, 2009 at 11:08 am
@Blondefabulous, Thanks. I’ll try, but I can’t promise anything.
Reply
I hear you. You know I hear you.
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 27th, 2009 at 11:08 am
@Karen Sugarpants, Yep, I know you do, babe.
Reply
Sorry to hear, man. I hate knowing you feel this way.
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 27th, 2009 at 11:09 am
@kapgar, Appreciate it, dude.
Reply
But this will pass. Or if it doesn’t, I’ll be forced to go to Florida and smack you around. I’ll bring Z, and you’ll get motivation, all right, because she’ll babble and make you apeshit crazy!
xoxoxo
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 27th, 2009 at 11:09 am
@Sybil Law, Z could be just what I need right now, actually. She makes me laugh. And smile.
Reply
Hey, Karl. I’m sorry to hear that you’re in such a low place, but glad to see that you’re able to step back and evaluate yourself…I think that’s pretty healthy. Make sure you’re taking all of your meds and know that lots of people out here hope you’re feeling better soon. XOXOXO
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 27th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
@Tracy, Right, the meds. Thanks.
Reply
No, but I’d like to hug you really tight right now. I’m sorry you’re going through such a shitty time. I swear it’s something in the air or water — there are so many of us in bad spots at the same time it makes my heart hurt.
I totally hear you on withdrawing; that’s my MO, too — when I need support the most, I want it the least and do my best to avoid it at all costs.
If there’s anything I can do, let me know, okay? *squishy long-distance hugs*
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 27th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
@Chibi Jeebs, I don’t think there’s anything anyone can do. But me. All that fucking self-actualization bullshit. *sigh*
Thank you, though.
Reply
I have only hugs…and the hope that it cycles around soon for you. (((HUGS)))
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 2:23 am
@Kris, Thanks, babe.
Reply
Hey Karl,
I’m sorry to hear you’re down. It probably doesn’t help to hear but it happens sometimes to everybody at times. Sucks, but it’s true.
Hang in there. Ooh, and look on the bright side–you got ME on the show tomorrow night! Woot!
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 2:24 am
@Shauna, I know, thanks. And I am looking forward to our show Monday night. Sent you an email.
Reply
Karl, my perverted dear one, why don’t you plan a visit to the netherworld, ie southern Indiana? I know someone there who has an empty guest room and a mean fryin’ arm who loves taking care of people and is a safe shoulder, etc etc etc. Give it a thought.
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 2:24 am
@Mamacita, Um, ’cause I’m broke. It would be delightful, though, I’m sure.
Reply
Funny, your commenters fall into one of two camps tonight: The ones who’ve definitely been there (and as one who has, I can spot them a mile away), and the ones who haven’t (but who I know mean well, and very obviously care for you
).
You know I’ve been exactly where you are, less than a couple years ago – anhedonia and all. Please take my advice and talk to your therapist. Tomorrow. If she says she has no room in her schedule, tell her you’re in a bad place and it’s an emergency. It’s not a long trip from this, to eventually not wanting to get out of bed at all. And that’s not a good place to be.
Please tell me you’ll call her tomorrow. PLEASE.
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 2:25 am
@Trish/Astrogirl426, Thanks, hon. I’ll be fine. I have an appointment with her Wednesday, anyway. I’ve been her many times before. If I felt that I was in real danger, I would call and make an emergency appt.
Reply
Me fucking too. I’m a fucking mess. And saying fucking every other word is not making me feel a bit better anymore.
We need a snuggle date.
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 2:26 am
@Angel Smith, Next month isn’t that far off.
Reply
If it makes you feel any better, my little one was asking about “dat guy mommy, you know, you’re friend, that fun guy” and said “he needs to come to our house again like now.”
I’m having a rough time of it myself lately, going through baby clothes and trying to get rid of stuff. It’s so hard and so depressing.
Cheer up Karl. People in PA are thinking of you.
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 2:27 am
@Black Belt Mama, Yes, my future wife. I could use a big dose of her right now, that’s true. She does make me laugh.
Sorry you’re hurting, too. I don’t like when my friends are down.
Reply
Huh. And I thought it was just me. Love ya.
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 11:03 am
@Bubblewench, Nope. Seems to be a lot of people I know.
Reply
Karl,
You took the time to write this entry with big words and correct grammar. You took the time to take a picture of yourself, crop it up, do whatever else to it and plug it into the post. You took the time to answer everyone’s comments.
I’m just saying that somewhere in there is a glimmer of something if you can at least do this stuff. You’re not completely gone and even though it feels like you can’t pull yourself out of it, I know you…and you can.
Having gone through recent bouts of serious depression that made me only capable of couch surfing while barely paying attention to SEVEN SEASONS of Gilmore Girls in a row, I get it. Eventually you’ll need to pick yourself up and get out of the house and start doing some stuff to perk you up.
So I guess this puts me in the camp of people who gets it but also in the camp of someone who has known you forever and is willing to help kick your ass out of it.
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 11:05 am
@Hilly, I know you get it. And yeah, I’m not completely gone or I wouldn’t have even bothered with a post. Actually, you’re one of the reasons I bothered with it at all. I know how frustrating it is when someone just drops out and says nothing and I’ve tried to avoid doing that in recent years, though it is my tendency.
Thanks.
Reply
What Hilly said. Well, except the know you forever part.
((hugs))
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 11:05 am
@Finn, Thanks, I could use some hugs.
Reply
But the boobs. They help, right?
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 29th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
@Miss Grace, Boobs often help, yes.
Reply
I found your blog by way Jeff at View from the Cloud, he linked to your bday dare post. I watched the video and read a few entries and went back to 2007 or so in your achieves and have spent the last few days reading your story.
A lot of the entries touched me and I laughed and cried and sighed my way thru. The first two paragraphs of this post hit me especially hard as it was if you were in my head writing how I have been feeling. I isolate and withdrawl when feeling overwhelmed and anxious and though I know there are people out there who care I am finding it hard to reach out and ask for help…
From what I’ve read and what I’ve seen on these pages you have many people who love and care for you. Who are there for you when the inner demons rear their ugly heads and try to take over. Keep blogging, keep sharing your words and stories and experiences as they are helping those of us who aren’t as confident or as able to express ourselves like you are. May not feel like it now but you are strong and confident, no matter what those inner demons say.
Thank you.
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 29th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
@Christine, Wow. Thank you. It is incredibly difficult to ask for help, I know. Hope you’ll try it.
Reply
Hugs! That is all … just great big, warm, squishy hugs!
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 29th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
@Twenty Four At Heart, Thanks, babe. Hugs are good.
Reply
Did I write this? When did I write this? When did we become one?
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
September 29th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
@tokenblogger, The world is mysterious indeed. I often find myself thinking the same thing with other people’s blogs.
Reply
Soooooo, I am just wondering, and maybe I’m behind here, but..are you on meds? Do they feel like they are working? I feel so very badly for you. I have been doing this shit for the past month and half, and THIS WEEK, I started to feel relief. I started feeling my sense of humor coming back, and I am not so anxious to answer the phone when it rings, or talk to people, or smile. But until this week, all I wanted to do was sleep and try to turn off my brain.
I really hope you get some relief soon. There are so many of us out here who feel the same way.
Reply
Secondhand Karl Reply:
October 8th, 2009 at 2:49 am
@Danielle-Lee, I’m on meds, yeah. I don’t think they’re doing much at the moment. I anxiously await relief. I’m feeling a little better. Not a lot, though.
Reply