Things Not to Yell Out During a UFC Match

So last night I went to the Blue Lagoon to watch the UFC fights with my bud Mindy. Met some other cool people, too, but let’s face it, I am not a fight fan. I was there for the Guinness and the company.

Sure, I have moments when I want to punch someone in the face (and then run like hell), but it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that we actually pay people to beat the ever-living fuck out of one another.

My new friend, Russ, said, “I’m a pacifist. I could never be the first one to start something.”

Me: “Hell, I hate being the SECOND one.”

On 30-some-odd television screens, these dudes fought violently for hours. The entire time, mobs of people in the bar were shouting and cheering in concert, like it was all some intensely rehearsed choreographed scene.

I tried to fit in, naturally, with a staggeringly low success rate.

Things That Don’t Sound Very Good If You Scream Them Out During a UFC Match

1. “Punch him in the upper torso!”
2. “Crap, he’s bleeding! Someone stop the fight!”
3. “Clearly, these guys are overcompensating for SOMETHING!”
4. “Give him a titty twister!”
5. “Damn, you guys are hugging an awful lot!”
6. “Bite his fucking ear off!”
7. “You kick like a girl!”
8. “Your tats look like they were done by a blind quadriplegic!”
9. “Yo momma stanks so bad there are vultures jerking off on her front porch!” (OK, that one is what I imagined one of them was saying to start the fight. Because really, the way these guys were going at each other? There HAD to have been a Yo Momma in there somewhere.)
10. “Why don’t you two just make out already?”

Needless to say, I got a lot of nasty looks when shouting these out. But hey, I tried. What can I say? I’m between testosterone treatments at the moment.