Eleven Things I Hope Will Happen at BlogHer 2009

Thanks to Lynda and Karen for amazing posts this week, though I think Karen is really pressuring me with unrealistic expectations regarding me wearing clothes the whole time I’m in Chicago. More guest bloggers galore tomorrow through Saturday, then I’ll actually attempt to write something cohesive for Sunday. That’ll be a switch.

It shouldn’t come as any great surprise that I have yet to start laundry or packing for BlogHer tomorrow. I leave Orlando at 9am, which means I need to be at the airport by 7, which means I need to leave my house by 5. IN THE MORNING.

Any of my BlogHer buds that don’t have my cell, feel free to email me and I’ll gladly provide it. Can’t wait to see you all and hug you and have your boobies touch my boobies.

For those that are NOT going, I’ll be Tweeting my ass off and uploading photos throughout the weekend – including my T-Shirt Of the Day, but won’t likely find much time to read Twitter myself. So don’t feel bad if I don’t reply to your @’s on Twitter for the next 3 or 4 days.

Things I Hope Will Happen at BlogHer 2009

1. All the women will be wearing either tight Pirate Wench outfits or French Maid uniforms. And wearing pigtails.
2. I will offend approximately 10-20% of the women there, but have the remaining 1,000 women fall in love with me.
3. Avitable’s nutsack will remain covered the entire weekend.
4. Every woman there will ask me to be the photographer for their special BlogHer HNT photos.
5. The Internet connectivity will work flawlessly the entire time I’m in Chicago.
6. Dooce will seek me out, sit on my lap, and tell me how much my blog turns her on.
7. There will be seminars entitled “Tits: A Retrospective” and “Getting the Most From Your Vagina.” Though, for some reason, they’re not showing up on the BlogHer agenda yet.
8. Streaming webcam feeds at the Breastfeeding Station.
9. 500 women will want to do a giant Dancing In My Boxers video with me.
10. Sarah will beg me to do a tasteful nude photography session with her.
11. At least one catfight will break out during a seminar, complete with scratching and hairpulling and buckets of water being thrown at one another and maybe some mud wrestling.

Things That Will Most Likely REALLY Happen at BlogHer 2009

1. All the women will be wearing incredibly cute LBD’s with Spanx, but they’ll ACT like Pirate Wenches.
2. I will offend 10-20% of the women there, 900 others won’t even glance my way, but 30-40 of them will fall in love with me. And I with them.
3. Avitable’s nutsack will make many cameos, only to be followed by another Avitaball Rolling campaign. This is why it’s crucial you never click on a link in any of Adam’s tweets.
4. Every woman there will taser me when I ask to take pictures of them for HNT.
5. The Internet connectivity will work most of the time, but will be crawling a lot, too.
6. Dooce will never even be in the same room with me, let alone actually speak to me, let alone actually have even heard of me.
7. There will be seminars called “Tits: A Retrospective” and “Getting the Most From Your Vagina,” but there will be biometric scanners to gain admittance and as soon as I place my palm against the hand scanners, alarms will sound and a steel cage will drop down around me from the ceiling.
8. Someone will find my hidden webcams at the Breastfeeding Station and disable them within 90 seconds of me installing them.
9. Three incredibly drunk bloggers will film a Dancing In My Boxers video with me. Unfortunately, they’ll probably be Whit, Neil, and Brian.
10. Sarah won’t let me see her boobies live, nor will she have any desire to see mine, let alone photograph them.
11. There will be loads of drama. Several heated debates during sessions. Catty shit-talking about bloggers when those bloggers aren’t within earshot. But sadly, no wet t-shirt contests or actual hairpulling.

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