With BlogHer ‘09 coming up in a few weeks, I’ve stepped up my plans to film a low-budget porno in my hotel room. You don’t get a potential adult film star pool of 1,000 women every day of the week.
I hope I can count on each and every single one of you ladies to help me out. I’ve already got most of the script written. Obviously, I’ve left all the roles fairly open. Not really imagining any women in particular.
BLOGHER HARD
BY KARL ERIKSON
INT. SHERATON HOTEL ROOM
18 giggling scantily-clad women, drinking Captain Morgan straight from the bottle, enjoying the estrogen high of BlogHer 2009.
MINTY: God, it’s so hot in here! I feel like just slipping out of this Victoria’s Secret teddy. It’s just us girls, after all.
BLUENECK MOMMY: I’m with you! Let’s *all* get naked. These garments are far too confining! I’m not used to wearing clothing.
MRS. ZINGER: You don’t have to tell ME twice! [laughs, slips her arms through the flimsy straps of her negligee.]
18 giggling women start helping each other remove their lingerie. Playful fondling ensues.
SLOPPYKISSES: (Wets her finger and rubs it over her nipples) God, did you see KARL today? That man can fill out some cargo shorts!
MUMMYMELEE: Who DIDN’T notice? I’ll tell you, if I wasn’t married…
ALL WOMEN: Oh, why must I be married when guys like KARL and NEAL are here?
Several ladies are lightly brushing their fingers over each other’s tattoos. ANISSAMATTHEW and SADANDGORGEOUS start kissing.
IMWINDY: I don’t know…if KARL came to the room right now…
CHEEKYMONKEY: What happens at BlogHer STAYS at BlogHer?
IMWINDY: (giggling) You got THAT right, my empowered sister!
LEATHERKENNEDY: Damn, why did you have to mention KARL? I simply can’t resist touching myself when I hear his name.
General murmurs and moans of agreement. Much self-touching. TASTELIKEINSANITY begins whinnying like a pony.
KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
BARETOESFOODIE (kicks the crotchless panties from around her ankle): Now who could THAT be?
She walks to the door while SHUSH starts rubbing UNDOMESTICWENCH’S shoulders and nibbles on her neck.
BARETOESFOODIE: Who is it?
ROOM SERVICE: Room service! I have your Chicago pizzas, and 10 bottles of Captain Morgan?
She opens the door and peeks around.
BARETOESFOODIE: Oh my GOD! It’s KARL! And NEAL!
ALL: Let them in!
She grabs KARL and NEAL by the wrists and pulls them into the room.
GINANDTONICA: Come to Momma!
NEAL: Ladies, you ordered the extra cheese and pepperoni?
ROOM407 GIRLS: Yes, we’ve been DYING for a certain special stick of pepperoni!
HERGOODMOTHER: And not the kind you find on a pizza, either.
KARL: What’s going on here? Why are you all naked?
GINANDTONICA, taking the pizza boxes from KARL’S hands and then rubbing her hands on his chest: I think you’ll catch on pretty fast, big man.
KARL: When you said “My boobs are your boobs,” I had no idea.
GINANDTONICA: God, you talk a lot. I hope that’s not the only thing your tongue is good at.
She starts making out with KARL.
MINTY: Oh, it’s not, trust me.
LIZRAZ: Now let’s get you boys out of those clothes. I brought plenty of condoms.
NEAL: I need to Tweet this.
TABLEOFFIVE: You need to shut up and get on your knees, bitch!
KARL: I’d listen to her, NEAL. These women are lapped up into some kind of nymphomaniacal frenzy!
SLOPPYKISSES: Guess there’s no more need for this…
She throws her diesel-powered vibrator onto the bed.
MINTY: Let’s not be hasty.
She grabs the diesel-powered vibrator from the bed and kick starts it to life.
CHEEKYMONKEY: For the love of Lizzie Maguire, KARL! I’ve heard stories about your enormity, but I’m gonna need a shoehorn for that!
BLUENECKMOMMY: I’ve got the lube!
LEATHERKENNEDY: Now THIS is the Room of Your Own I was dreaming about!
So who’s in? This is award-winning stuff, ladies.
Hahahahaha.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
@Maria, Is this funny? I’m totally serious.
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Dude. http://www.boobemancipation.com is going to be there. Success may yet be yours.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
@Miss Grace, And you just helped me discover my new favorite blog EVER. Thank you.
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Good luck with that. hahaha
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
@Lynda, Thanks. I think I can count on all the women to help out.
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This is HILARIOUS!!!!
Good luck with your movie making endeavors Karl, it’s Blogher, it could happen, maybe! LOL
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
@AmazingGreis, Oh, it’s happening.
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Wow.. for the first time ever, I wish I was going! Oooooh Karl!
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
@Bubblewench, Maybe I can write in a part for you using a webcam.
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Magda P Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
@Secondhand Karl,
You have to include the blogher@home ladies in some way!
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 7th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
@Magda P, OK, BlogHer@home ladies, show me your tits!
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I am laughing so hard right now … fill in obligatory porn related hard jokes as you will.
<3
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
@Shannon,
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OUT OF CONTEXT! Which makes it so awesome. I will bring my Flip Video just in case.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
@jenB, Out of context? Totally IN CONTEXT!
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“whinnying like a pony”, huh?
Well played, my friend. Well played.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
@Amy @ Taste Like Crazy, I used a little creative license, of course, but I also clearly am going for heightened realism here. That’s how I imagine you’d sound upon hearing my name.
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Diesel powered…..HAAAAAAA!! I keep re-reading and giggling.
Yes, I am 14 again.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
@Krystle @snarkykisses, You seem like a hard-core gal.
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I JUST JIZZED IN MY PANTS.
Also this is the BEST porn plot EVER.
Debbie can get back to Dallas.
COUNT ME IN, HOT STUFF!! xoxoxoxoxoxox
and PS I’ll bring my new Rabbit.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
@akaMonty, Right? Excellent, I’ll have the consent forms waiting for you.
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You know that technically, I’m not married, right? *giggle*
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
@Angel Smith, I know, babe, believe me.
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I need to hear some music.
Too much dialogue. Only bad porn has that much talking going on.
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No offense! Otherwise… sounds great. Another reason I’m sad I’m not coming to BlogHer!
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
@Loukia, None taken. We can videoconference you in for the film if you like.
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That would beat the hell out of what I got at TQ.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
@PocketCT, Oh, you had plenty of opportunity!
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Dude. I’m the so-called President of your Stalker club and you can’t even *pretend* I’m going to be there?
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
@Wendy, Listen, I’m sure we can videoconference you in.
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Looking for funders?
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
@Deb on the Rocks, Of course! And supplies.
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And to think I’m not going to be at BlogHer this year. Boo…
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
@*pixie*, See what you’ll be missing?
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If you need an editor once you have all of the filming done, I’m your man.
This will be flying off the shelves. “BlogHers Gone Wild”
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
@martymankins, Thanks, dude. I may need a Key Grip. I don’t know what the hell that is, but I always see them in the credits.
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Why am I always the first one to get naked? #snort
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
@Mrs. Flinger, No idea.
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Karen Sugarpants Reply:
July 7th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
@Mrs. Flinger, like you don’t know the answer to that question….bow chicka wah wah…
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I realize you’re partly trying to be funny here, and you might know some of the women in your script and you presume they’ll also find it funny. I don’t find it funny at all, and I’ll be at the conference too. I don’t like what you’ve done here, especially because you’ve put people you don’t know well in a “double bind” position. We are rewarded as women for laughing at our own harassment and yet when we do it will continue. If we object then we potentially become targets for more harassment. I don’t fault my fellow blogheristas for laughing. But I know that even they will know and be able to discuss that it’s *not* funny to all of us. So I would like to ask them (if not you) to respect that.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
@badgermama, I’m more than *partly* trying to be funny. It’s clearly a totally nonsensical post. Sorry you’re offended because that’s not at all how it was intended.
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Angel Smith Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
@badgermama,
I didn’t consider it harassment. At all. It was just a silly, tongue in cheek post, and I think Karl knows the women he named well enough to know we would see it as just that. I am sure if I am wrong and he mentioned anyone who felt uncomfortable, he would remove them in a heartbeat.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
@Angel Smith, And I did just that, actually. It’s okay, I know this was a risque post, and I can totally get how anyone who doesn’t know me would take offense.
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Peau Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
@badgermama, i find your reply to be absurd.
feminists of the world, please lighten up for the love of God. sometimes levity is okay on the planet. there’s a war in Iraq, for godsakes.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
@Peau, It’s tough to see a spoof in something like this when you don’t really know the author.
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Karl, you are King. Love it. Love it.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
@papa, Well, I do have the crown…
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OH. MY. GOD. My internet goes down for one fucking day and I miss this?
[Don't forget to slip me a room key like we talked about.
]
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
@Undomestic Diva, You got it, babe.
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If you don’t think it’s funny, don’t read it. Karl, I love you and your sense of humor, I thought this was hysterical. My opinion (not that anyone cares) is that fanaticism in any form is a bad thing. I’m not accusing the commenter above of being fanatical, I just think this is clearly a long & involved inside joke, and taking it personally (if not named) and getting pissy and acting as though it were on CNN as social commentary is taking it a little far.
For my part, all I want to know is, can I have a free DVD when it’s done?
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
@@kristeneileen, Thanks for coming to defend my honor. I realized this was a little over the top when I wrote it. Badgermama isn’t a nut, any more than I am. And I’ll get you a 25% discount. Only my mom gets a free copy.
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Okay, Karl. For some reason, this is so hilarious it makes me think you’re less of a cad than I did earlier. How in the hell does THAT work? Nicely done. LOL
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
@Kellee, Aw, thanks. I’m virtually cadless.
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*I* get to kiss Queen of Spain?? SCOOOREEE!
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
@Anissa, Yeah, baby!
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I must have gotten stuck in traffic. ?
Because I never miss a chance to see Mrs. Flinger get naked, dude.
Hilarious, Karl.
I think my favorite line just might be, “NEIL: I need to Tweet this.”
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
@Sarcastic Mom, Thanks very much. My imagination does run wild.
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My favorite part is when Neil wants to tweet it.
My least favorite part is the no mention of me anywhere.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
@Matthew, Dude, you’re the camera man. You play a critical role.
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Matthew Reply:
July 7th, 2009 at 12:25 am
@Secondhand Karl, I’m bringing my Flip. I won’t let you down.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 7th, 2009 at 9:50 am
@Matthew, That’s the spirit! You’re also the Lube Boy, another important part of the adult film industry.
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i think it’s important to remember that neil will be tweeting this come hell or high water.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
@liv, Indeed.
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You KNOW Neil would be tweeting the whole thing. #snort
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
@Diana, I know he would. Once we revive him.
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Flippin’ sweet!
Can’t believe I was mentioned. For shame, Karl! (Yeah – I am not going to Blogher but still. After my fancy tricks at ConFab?! For shame!)
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
@Sybil Law, Don’t worry, darling. I have a role in mind for you.
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Too funny….is that not what we all imagine goes on at one conference or another??? (well, really only in the imagination of bloggers who write and entertain their readers). Not knowing you that well, I can’t imagine that you would have included fellow bloggers that would not enjoy your humor either. But I noticed that Avitable is not here…would he not be..oh wait, that’s right this is your dream…
PS I work for a Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Center, we are into empowerment, I also read all these women bloggers and don’t imagine they will have an issue. As with any TV, Radio or blog, there is always an off switch and you don’t have to stay!!
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
@Not a Granny, Precisely. I’ve done charity work for shelters before. Had my share of friends over the years that NEEDED those facilities.
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Karl, I am appalled at your objectifying such esteemed female bloggers….*snicker* *snort*
Shit! I’m sorry.I tried to sound all serious and offended and *BWAHAHAHA*I just can’t! That was too damn funny!
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
@metalmom, I don’t objectify women. I worship them. Now take off your top and let me worship you.
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Well, really!
I mean it. Really? Cool!
I’ll comment later. I’m laughing too hard to be coherent now.
Even though I wasn’t invited. . . .
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 7th, 2009 at 9:51 am
@Mamacita, Oh, you’re invited. I’ll be auditioning girls at the People’s Party Thursday night.
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Fantastically done. Well written, vivid, imaginative, and pretty raunchy. Just the way we like it.
(This is not the official opinion of Raging Tech and is no way intended to represent this company. Oh, who am I kidding, yes it does. ROCK ON!
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 7th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
@The Raging Tech, Thank you. Go, Raging Tech!
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Awesome. Clearly I have been hanging with a very tame blogging crowd. Probably still will, but kudos to you for a parody well done.
At least I think it’s a parody?
I agree that Neil got the best line.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 7th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
@foolery, Yes, just a tad of parody there.
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I was hoping to meet Neal, and if THIS is what I have to do to meet him, then hell yeah!
Four years of blogging and I finally feel like I’ve arrived-you’ve made an old blogger very happy today, Karl *sniff*
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 7th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
@Elizabeth, Oh, you’ve arrived, babe. Don’t forget to learn your lines before Chicago.
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i’ve already shipped a case of batteries to the hotel.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 7th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
@Karen Sugarpants, And I thank you for your support.
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karl~~i’m glad to didn’t remove all of it~~the only offense i find is you didn’t include me, but i’m not going but will join in via my laptop LOL
don’t let the prudes get ya down
love you
charlene
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 7th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
@ms snarky nice bitch, Oh, I NEVER pull a post. I altered it because I truly didn’t mean to offend anyone.
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Wow. one person complained out of everyone else here that liked this post. Kudos to Karl for trying to make everyone feel welcome at his blog, even though I didn’t feel like he needed to do it for a single public complainer (not sure how many emails you got, Karl).
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 7th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
@martymankins, I got a few emails. I don’t care about the people who don’t know me, but I certainly care about the girls I mentioned in the original post that were upset. Hopefully, they know how much I dig them, and that it was all in good fun. Not CLEAN fun, mind you, but fun.
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Karl, I’m all about fun, and this was a very fun post!
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 19th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
@Geeky Tai-Tai, Thanks, babe.
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Karl,
Very funny stuff! Don’t pay any attention to the naysayers. If they don’t have a sense of humor, they should just stay away.
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Secondhand Karl Reply:
July 19th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
@Julie, It’s comedy. There’s bound to be some collateral damage.
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