And then? Karl punches you in the throat
Psssst.
Can you hear me?
Shhhhhhh.
Keep it down, they can’t hear me!
I totally snuck over here from my blog, the one with the cancer kid, with the readers that are awesome, but can’t handle the word FUCK…which all ended with me having to take down the guestpost that Karl wrote for me while I was in the process of moving…a post that was TREMENDOUS and BEAUTIFUL, but full of FUCKtitude so apparently everyone’s brains fell out and their vaginas exploded.
KaPOW!
Labia everywhere.
It was ugly.
And sort of hairy.
Can I just tell you that those Mr. Clean scrubbing pads really WILL get anything off the wall? True.
(OHMYFREAKINGCRAZYHOLYSHITGOD! Do not E.V.E.R. image-Google the word “labia” for a picture to accompany your post. Don’t do it. Trust me. Don’t. Just stop. I know you’re thinking about it. DON’T do it.)
(You did it, didn’t you? I tried to warn you)
Soooo, anyways!
I loved what he wrote for me. It was one of those Karl grenades that start out all Karl-esque with the funny and the boobage….and then?
He dares to get thoughtful….and achingly sweet…and DAMMIT, touching!
And not in his normal bad-touching kind of way.
The kind that makes you want to totally let him grope you inappropriately because he truly is made of wonderful. And why wouldn’t you want to be touched by wonderful? Sort of like Touched By An Angel, but with more ass-slapping.
I felt so hurt on Karl’s behalf…the world did not get to read the post that made me love him more than I already did.
So, the best guestpost I could come up with was to make sure that all of you…those who love Karl in all his Karl-ness…read what he wrote for me.
Let’s Just Say “See You Later”
Guess what happens when you go to bed at the ungodly hour of 9:30pm? You wake up at the even-more-ungodly hour of 6:00am! But that’s probably a good thing on this one occasion, since I promised Anissa I’d guest post for her today.
Hello, my name is Karl, and I am an insomniatic night owl.
(Hi, Karl!)
I don’t know how you normal people do it, getting up at this hour on a regular basis. I used to be forced to be a morning person, what between having twin daughters and actually working normal jobs and shit. Not any more.
But anyway, here I am, at the buttcrack of dawn, forced to once again realize that Anissa is not within a couple of hours of me any more. I said my goodbyes on Saturday at a little pre-BlogHer tweetup/kick-Anissa’s-ass-out-of-Florida party.
See? Aren’t they lovely? I mean, isn’t SHE lovely?
Here’s a group shot of us, too, minus me, since I’m taking the photo.
Course, I prefer to remember Anissa during our first Girl’s Night Out last year in Tampa, when I caught her in the longest photograph ever.
The other night, I took my mom to see Pixar’s “Up” at the movies. Loved it. When you boil it all down, it’s a love story between a girl and a boy who grow up to be a woman and a man. And in a way, it’s about saying goodbye. That shit always makes me choke up.
I hate saying goodbye. If I were Superman, goodbyes would be my Kryptonite. That, and mustard…and lima beans.
Earlier this year, I said goodbye to my friend, Lisa, in a much more permanent way. I was messed up for months. Still am, truth be told.
When we’re young and indestructible and still playing with Talking G.I. Joe and his amazing Kung-Fu Grip, we say a lot of hellos. We’re meeting new people all the time. Kids in the neighborhood, children in school, lots and lots of hellos.
There’s the occasional goodbye even then, of course. I still remember my best friends – Jason and Jenny – and having to say goodbye to them at five years old to move to a new town. But for the most part, it’s hello, hello, hello.
At a certain point in life – and it’s kind of gradual for most of us, I think – we start saying goodbye more than we say hello. I’m 42 now and it feels as if the goodbyes are a lot more frequent now than when I was ripping heads off my sister’s Barbie dolls.
That, and cancer is really rearing its ugly head in my life a lot these last five years. When I first met Anissa online, someone pointed me to her blog and I thought, “For fuck’s sake, now I have to read about cute little KIDS with cancer? There’s a pick-me-up. What the hell is this, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition?”
Normally, I do a very good ostrich impersonation when it comes to serious illness. I don’t like to think about it. And I especially hate thinking about children facing serious illness. But I’ll be damned if Anissa didn’t make her life, her family’s life, the story of dealing with Peyton’s illness, one huge freaking pick-me-up. Irreverent. Inspiring. Hopeful.
I dug (and Dugg) her right from the get-go. And when I got my first opportunity to meet Anissa last year at a little Girl’s Night Out, I lunged at her it. And Anissa was everything I’d dreamed of, and more. Bombastic and hilarious and hot (always the hotness). Really, you can’t help but fall in love with the woman…repeatedly.
And Saturday night was more of the same. We laughed a lot, swore a lot, laughed some more, smoked, danced, and then it finally came time to hug and kiss and say goodbye. Because the bitch is leaving for Atlanta. In fact, she is already there.
But I don’t like to say goodbye any more. I’ve said it too much already and if I have another 40 years in me, the goodbyes are likely to get even faster and furiouser as I get grayer and wrinklier.
So with a few tears in the eyes, Anissa and I hugged – our bodies hot and sweaty from doing The Safety Dance – and kissed and I said, “See you later.”
And I will see her later. On Twitter. On her blog. In Chicago next month for BlogHer. When I come raid her house in Atlanta. The bitch has made me laugh and cry and most everything in between, so I WILL see her later.
I’m hoping the best for her and her fam in the new location. And that she gets down to Florida semi-frequently. And that she continues to send me booby shots.
But no fucking goodbyes.
Just see-you-laters.
Shut up, those are eye allergies, damn you.
DAMN. I cannot wait to see this guy in Chicago.
Filed under BlogHer, Guest Post, Relationships | Comments (30)30 Responses to “And then? Karl punches you in the throat”
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I read his guest post and it made *me* tear up – but then again I cry at hallmark commercials and shit too so uh, yeah, it isn’t hard to make me cry.
Anyway, people were mad about that post? Geez – start a campaign “Kick Karl Off the Internet” because he is getting into all kinds of trouble these days!
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July 16th, 2009 at 1:57 am
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), I KNOW, I KNOW! I was all pissed off because certain people *cough*inlaws*cough* couldn’t see past some swearing and godknows they’d fall over dead if they ever heard me really let lose. But I love Karl and I wanted everyone to see that he rubbed his shiny all over my blog.
And I think maybe he left a little on my purse last time we went out too..but that’s another post.
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Sheesh, what is with MY eye allergies acting up, just as I finished reading this? Weird coincidence. *Sniff*
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July 16th, 2009 at 1:58 am
@Sassy, Allergies. Bad this time of year, right? *hands over a tissue*
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July 16th, 2009 at 2:16 am
@Anissa, *Sob* Yes, horrible this time of year. Thanks for the tissue. *Gulp* *Sniff* Damn you, ALLERGIES.
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*sniff* now i am crying
great posts~both of you
char
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July 16th, 2009 at 2:00 am
@ms snarky nice bitch, He really is THAT awesome.
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Aw! Very sweet guest posts by both of you.
(And I’m insanely envious of all the fucking tweet-ups. lol)
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July 16th, 2009 at 2:00 am
@Wendy, I gotta tell you, NO ONE had Tweetups that were as much fun as ours…ohmylordy, we rocked the good times.
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I? Have no freaking clue what in that post would cause vagina and/or head exploding-ness. (also, thanks to firefox’s spellcheck? Just realized I have been misspelling vagina. For a really long time)
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July 16th, 2009 at 1:57 am
@thepsychobabble, I’m sorry, you HAVE a vagina and have been misspelling it all this time? If *I* had a vagina, I can assure you I’d know how to spell it. Course, I might also play with it so much that I wouldn’t care very much about spelling.
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July 16th, 2009 at 2:04 am
@thepsychobabble, And if most of my readers ever had to actually listen to me speak without the filter I slap on my site for the sake of my poor elderly relatives that read it, they’d die. Dead. Toes up.
I gotta ask, how WERE you spelling vagina?
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July 16th, 2009 at 11:38 am
@Anissa, I am STILL waiting to hear how she spelled vagina all this time.
Vijyna? Vuhgina? Vijeyenuh?
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July 27th, 2009 at 12:45 am
@Secondhand Karl, I’ve been spelling it vaginia. Because, I am slow like that.
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When I was invited by Anissa to guest post on her blog, I asked her what the House Rules were. I ALWAYS ask that on the rare occasion I’m asked to guest post because I can (and often do) swear like a fucking sailor, and I fully understand that not everyone else operates on that wavelength. You know, when you’re in someone else’s house, you respect the house rules.
She said I could say whatever I wanted. So, knowing that she knows me as well as she knows me, I said, “Cool. I can say fuck!”
What I didn’t realize because I’m such a bad blog friend of late and haven’t read hers (or anyone else’s) in a while…is that Anissa never curses on her blog. I don’t know why I didn’t pick up on that before – maybe because I’m so used to her saltier vernacular in IM and email (and in person).
So yeah…that’s my long-ass way of saying I think there were some very shocked people to see FUCK and SHIT and BITCH repeated over and over on St. Anissa’s blog.
And Anissa? Thank you for introducing exploding labia to my blog. I truly believe it’s long overdue.
My only disappointment in your beautiful guest post is that you failed to post any of the fucking labia pictures I damn well know you downloaded from Google Image Search.
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July 16th, 2009 at 2:02 am
@Secondhand Karl, I do a pretty solid self-censorship, but I had NO IDEA people were going to lose their shit all over the place. I’m still sorry about that. WAY sorry. But I love that you put me in your blogher porno post, so I guess we’re about even, right?
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July 16th, 2009 at 2:05 am
@Anissa, If you apologize ONE MORE TIME about that shit, I may have to smack you so hard in Chicago that you start talking with an Asian accent.
But thank you for posting it here. I kept forgetting to ask you if I could get a copy. And you KNOW you’re always in my porn dreams…POSTS, I mean.
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Whose vagina blew up at this? (Thanks for the Google tip, btw. That could have been ugly). I realize it’s possible that I can’t even SEE the word fuck anymore because it’s that much a part of my life, but I thought that was fucking beautiful.
And? You have magnificient tits.
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July 16th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
@Finn, The twins and I thank you!
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Anissa, I have to say I’ve never met you in real life but I have read your blog and I also never noticed you didn’t swear on it! You may filter yourself quite a bit but I suspect a good amount of your personality filters through because, if I manage to run into you at BlogHer, I was/am totally expecting SALTY LANGUAGE, lol. I’m glad you shared Karl’s post with us!
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July 16th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
@Kristi of Million Dream Mom, You have NO idea, Karl will vouch for my endless pottymouth behavior. And, betch, now you better make it a point to stop me if we run into each other in Chicago!
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July 20th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
@Anissa, I think ‘endless pottymouth behavior’ would be a great band name. Or at least would look great on a commemorative BlogHer t-shirt. And if I see you, I will definitely stop you!
Or start you. I’m not sure. Either way, it sounds fun.
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[...] posts in one day, which I am very much against. But still, since it’s the Summer of Love and Anissa is today’s guest blogger, I still have to plug tonight’s [...]
Awww- that really is super sweet!!!
That Karl – he sure can surprise you, huh?!
(Sucks that he had to be censored – too bad they couldn’t see some of his more racy stuff!!)
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July 16th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
@Sybil Law, I was so pissed they couldn’t get past a few words to the heart of what he said.
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DAMN. I cannot wait to see you in Atlanta!
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July 16th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
@Dave2, It’s ON! I can’t wait.
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Aw, that’s a beautiful post Karl wrote. Too bad you had to take it down.
And I totally didn’t google labia. Google Images comes up with some scary stuff!
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Keeping in mind the currently increased sense of civic pride of young people in many of these new independent states, one may expect even lower turnout in the future. ,
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[...] I’d just link to a guest post she wrote for me during the Summer of Love, where she includes a guest post I did for HER on HER blog. It’s a long [...]