That was Something
I haven’t cried yet. What the fuck? I don’t get it. Right now I’m still in the numb autopilot mode. My days are blazing by and I’m getting absolutely nothing done. I go to bed and lay there for hours before finally zonking out, then I wake up at noon. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I’ve read a lot of tributes to Lisa these last few days, all of them beautiful. It’s a true testimony to the woman, all the blog posts, all the comments on her blog, all the Tweets…this woman, Lisa, touched many hearts. And I’m just thankful that, for whatever reason, she saw fit to consider me a friend.
Lisa’s and my relationship is one that is hard to describe. Intensely emotional in sporadic bursts? I’ve certainly run the gamut of feelings with Lisa, mostly within the last year. She can make me laugh like no other, and yet get really deep and personal in the next breath.
I finally got out of the house last night, requiring me to shower and shave for the first time in days, and went to see Mandy Patinkin in concert at the local college. After a couple of hours of listening to this guy’s songs and stories, I walked out of that auditorium, thinking, “Wow. Now THAT was something. I’m not exactly sure what, but I’m glad I got to be a part of it.”
That’s kind of how I feel about Lisa. You didn’t always grasp everything she said at first, but you always walked away from her saying, “THAT was something.”
She taught me a lot of things. You can survive through most anything. Laugh. Life’s too short for bullshit and mean people.
We’d go weeks, even months without talking on the phone, but always the first thing out of her mouth when we next talked was “How are you doing? Tell me what’s going on with you lately?” Never failed. Never mind that she may have spent the last 72 hours puking her insides out…first thing she wants is to talk about YOU.
Lisa was an optimist, someone that would normally not fit into my world at all, since I’m a – well, not an optimist. Yet her views and smiles were infectious. You couldn’t help but be remind of the bloggity goodness out in the world when thousands of dollars were raised in mere days to send Lisa, Dude, and the girls to Disney World last year.
Major money raised by hundreds of people for a family that most of them didn’t even know. That shit puts a smile even on my face.
Lisa was passionate about most everything, particularly her family. Out of the few things she was worried about, things she saw fit to discuss with me while I was with her a few weeks ago, the biggest was her family.
I tried to comfort her. Dude and the girls will press on just fine. “After all,” I said, “you’ve done a hell of a good job raising those girls. You can have faith that those lessons will be with them all their lives. And you’ve set a hell of an example for them to follow.”
This was naturally immediately followed by, “I’m so sorry you have to see me like this, Karl.” This was naturally immediately followed by me slapping Lisa’s turban off.
I kid. I’d never touch Lisa’s turbans.
I’m all over the place, I know. Sorry about that. My brain isn’t really operating at 25% lately. I wish I could slap together a moving tribute to Lisa, something akin to what I’ve been reading elsewhere. This will have to do for now.
I miss Lisa a lot already. She’d look at me, smile, and say “It is what it is,” one of those annoying phrases that only sounds good coming from Lisa. Probably because she meant it.
Lisa would sometimes tell me about the few trolls out there who claimed that she was faking cancer for the sympathy and money. “What fuckers,” I’d say. And she’d just say, “It is what it is.” Course, not necessarily before she’d blog passionately about aforementioned fuckers, but that’s one of the things I loved about Lisa. She was honest, real, genuine. Pissed or happy, with Lisa you got the real deal.
It doesn’t feel like a friend has died. This past week has felt more like a seasonal shift, one that is resonating throughout the blogiverse, at least our little corner of it. It’s been coming for a while now. And it is what it is.
If you’re able to provide anything financial, no matter how small, you can do so at Lisa’s Donations page on her blog. Everything goes to Lisa’s family, and we linked the Paypal to Dude’s account. He’s very thankful for the comments, love, and support.
Filed under Local Goings On | Comments (39)39 Responses to “That was Something”
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Are you able to go up for the funeral? Though I’m sure you said your painful goodbyes already
LVGurl’s last blog post..Later days
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March 3rd, 2009 at 2:21 pm
@LVGurl, No, I can’t make it to the funeral. I knew weeks ago that I’d either go see Lisa while she was still with us, or to the funeral, but I couldn’t financially do both. For me, I made the right choice. Besides, I suck at funerals.
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I get your issues with death. A lot more than you know. I didn’t go to my grandfather’s funeral. Lots of people say things like that. I know, but when I read your post talking about how you suck at death, it put this pit in my stomach because I get it. It’s not just “ouch” with us, it is something that sort of rocks you to your core and makes your soul ache.
The death thing… to say it is “too painful” would be an understatement.
You did good. Really, really good. From someone who gets it, I know that it took some serious balls to do and continue to do what you have done.
AmyD’s last blog post..Say What?
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March 3rd, 2009 at 2:40 pm
@AmyD, I’d go to the funeral if I could afford to, simply because it’s Lisa. Sucking at death is no reason to (necessarily) avoid it. It hurts, but that’s because it’s supposed to hurt when we lose someone we love.
Thanks.
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March 3rd, 2009 at 3:11 pm
@Secondhand Karl, I certainly wasn’t implying in regards to Lisa’s funeral, Karl. I was just explaining my own personal experience. Given the choice between being able to say goodbye in person or going to the funeral (due to finances) I would have made the same choice you did. It’s not that I avoid all funerals, but my grandmother’s was incredibly traumatic for me and I got to say goodbye to my grandfather via telephone a few weeks before he died so I chose to avoid the drama of family bickering and what-not at his funeral.
Obviously, death hurts when we lose people we care for, I guess I might have misunderstood what you meant by sucking at death. Either way, I have a lot of respect for what you have done for Lisa on her family.
AmyD’s last blog post..Say What?
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March 3rd, 2009 at 3:18 pm
@AmyD, Oh, I know you weren’t implying anything. You’re right. We all handle things differently. Given the two choices, I’d probably choose visiting the person while they’re alive over going to a funeral, I mean if I could only do one.
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You may not believe it, but your reaction is normal. People deal with grief in different ways. You probably are a little numb right now. In the next few days/weeks/months, you probably will get a trigger that causes all the emotions to come out.
I didn’t cry when we dropped my sister’s ashes into the ocean. It seemed like I should. I seemed like maybe I should be crying non-stop. (And trust me, I cried so much some days I worried about dehydration.
) But, emotions aren’t logical. And grief is going to be different for each person.
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March 3rd, 2009 at 3:18 pm
@Lynda, Emotions aren’t logical. You’ve got that right.
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Karl, that post was as moving a tribute as others I’ve seen for Lisa, if not more. It was honest and reflected your true feelings.
I had planned on going to her services and am sick about the fact that because it’s on Saturday and I’m going to be out of town (which has been planned for months), I can’t go and give her family a big hug. But like you, I got to see Lisa before she passed, got to squeeze her hand and give Dude a hug then, and I know that was more important. At least I’ll tell myself that anyway.
Take some time for yourself Karl. You’ve done a great job of keeping everyone in the know.
Black Belt Mama’s last blog post..Yet Another Reason to Boycott McDonald’s
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March 3rd, 2009 at 3:19 pm
@Black Belt Mama, Yeah, not much you can do when you’ve had plans for months. Like you said, you were able to spend a few minutes with Lisa last week, visit with Dude a little, and that’s what matters.
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Hi Karl,
We all process grief differently…crying might come later for you, it might not. It doesn’t mean that you are some heartless ass who is dead inside! We’re all so unique in how we handle the issue of life and death, just go with the waves and as you mentioned in the above post regarding Lisa, ‘it is what it is’.
You’re probably sick of hearing what a good friend you are. That’s ok, just move on and keep living day to day..I’m glad you got out of the house last night. Try to do that whenever you feel up to it, even just to a coffee shop. As a fellow indiv. with social phobias, I know that sometimes that’s harder than anything else, but you gotta try to get up and move. That will get you through and help process all of the feelings you have right now.
If you ever want to talk about grief Karl just please email me because I used to do grief counseling for hospice families when I lived in Dallas.
That was a beautiful post, Karl, and thank you for sharing it.
MaryLeigh
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March 3rd, 2009 at 3:21 pm
@MaryLeigh, Thanks very much. I haven’t been talking to many people in the last week, just haven’t felt up to it. A few have called me and that’s greatly appreciated, as long as they understand I’m still in shell-shock mode.
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My thoughts and prayers are with you, Karl, as they are with Dude and the girls. I’m sorry I never met Lisa in person, but miss her just the same.
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March 3rd, 2009 at 4:29 pm
@Janer, Yeah, she’s greatly missed. Thanks.
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This post spoke volumes. It’s real. You’re real. Lisa is (not was) real. Life is real. Death is real. How you deal with it is how you deal with it. “It is what it is” after all…
My takeaway from this post is when you said:
“but always the first thing out of her mouth when we next talked was “How are you doing? Tell me what’s going on with you lately?”
Lisa was incredible. I’d only started reading her blog (via Britt) this year, but I felt like I knew her forever. She was real.
And in one of my earliest comments on her blog, I mentioned that I had MS. Well, Lisa latched onto that and took every opportunity to ask how I was doing. How I was doing???? WTF, girl, you have CANCER. Who the fuck cares how I’m doing????
Lisa cared.
I didn’t know her, but I sure as hell miss her. She was real.
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March 3rd, 2009 at 4:31 pm
@Dawn, Lisa cared. Well said. She was an incredible woman, always putting others first.
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I think you absolutely made the right decision in going to see her while she was still here.
*hugs* Karl. You know I’m thinking about you.
Kyra’s last blog post..Pinching
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March 3rd, 2009 at 4:31 pm
@Kyra, Thanks.
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This was a lovely post for Lisa. Or about her.
You know what I mean!
Sybil Law’s last blog post..20. Really?!
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March 3rd, 2009 at 4:31 pm
@Sybil Law, Heh, I know what you mean.
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Karl,,, just close your eyes and Lisa is there!
With regard to funerals and death -> who is good at it… none of us! AND I was so scared of death until my brother-in-law passed from AIDS… he looked like an angel. That’s when I knew that we are all GODs flowers… we are here, beautiful and bring great joy… and we’re gone!
Cauze GOD wants us back with HIM~
P.S… I never cried when my dad died… cauze I knew he went to a better place where he could run and play and have fun AND play CRAPS… he loved that game.
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March 3rd, 2009 at 6:11 pm
@Pooba~, Somewhere not too far away Lisa is rocking out to the Stones.
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I think when you’ve been anticipating (and not in a good way) losing someone for a while, the grief process is a bit different than if it’s sudden and unexpected. Maybe because in some way you’ve been grieving all along. And maybe because you’ve had the chance to say your goodbyes and let her know what she means to you. There’s some closure there that blunts the effect somewhat. And a little relief that the person is not suffering anymore, that you’re not holding your breath waiting for that phone call anymore.
And maybe you’ve just been too busy with the details and haven’t had a chance to process it yet. I wouldn’t give it too much thought. Feel what you feel when you feel it. Grief is a different process for everyone and it’s even different for one person in different circumstances.
In other words, it is what it is, right? xo
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March 3rd, 2009 at 6:12 pm
@Finn, Good points, all. Everyone grieves differently.
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“I wish I could slap together a moving tribute to Lisa, something akin to what I’ve been reading elsewhere. This will have to do for now.”
I think what you wrote is just right.
Laura’s last blog post..It’s gotta be 4:20 somewhere…
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March 3rd, 2009 at 6:12 pm
@Laura, thanks.
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The world lost a beautiful woman when Lisa passed away. I will never forget her strength and courage in the face of such pain and fear. She is an inspiration to many.
I learned a few years ago, when my best friend died, that it won’t get “better”, it’ll just get “different”
You’ll deal with this in your own way Karl. Be patient with yourself and let yourself feel whatever you need to feel at the moment you are feeling it. Don’t repress it and don’t push it away. Feel it, deal with it and move forward with it.
Don’t let anyone, ever, tell you that you are wrong for feeling the way you do. Your grief journey is going to be YOUR journey. No one else can experience that for you.
Keep your chin up. Remember to breathe and if you need anything, let me know.
Sodapop’s last blog post..The bad day that got worse
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March 3rd, 2009 at 6:32 pm
@Sodapop, Excellent advice.
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I think Finn nailed it on the head. It’s different when it’s expected over a prolonged period. The entire time is part of the grief process, so I don’t think you have a “Mack Truck Moment” as you do when it is unexpected.
Then again maybe I’m wrong and it just is that we all grieve differently… although the stages of grief seem to be universal.
Either way… it is what it is.
NYCWD’s last blog post..Believe
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March 3rd, 2009 at 6:33 pm
@NYCWD, Makes sense to me, too.
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You know my situation and I remember Lisa once replying to a comment saying that she was glad it was her and not one of her kids. Most people say that and have nothing to base it on, but I knew she meant that to the depths of her soul. Her love for her family wasn’t something you HAD to know her personally to get. I wish she’d had longer to show the world how to love that way. She’s left one hell of a legacy and I knew her ripples will carry far.
Love you, Karl. I know this pain and I’m here for you, anytime.
Anissa@Hope4Peyton’s last blog post..Having THE talk with my son….NO, not THAT one
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March 4th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
@Anissa@Hope4Peyton, Thanks. You’re right, I’d much rather something happen to me than my children.
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Karl, I discovered you through Lisa’s blog, and Lisa practically by accident about a year ago. The very day she died my favorite aunt called to tell us she has ovarian cancer. Through Lisa I feel like I know what to expect and honestly? I am dreading it and grieving already. All we can do is carry on, care about one another, and let the legacy of those we love live on inside of us. You are going to be okay because you know Lisa wants you to be okay. I have never commented, never met either of you, and yet I am so proud to “know” you.
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March 4th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
@cathy, So sorry to hear about your aunt. My thoughts and prayers are with her. Knowing that Lisa fought cancer 3 times kind of gives me hope that others will do the same, and with success. Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
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Just chiming in to say what everybody else has said here…you definitely made the right choice in seeing Lisa in life rather than going to the funeral.
And as I said on Twitter a couple of days ago, just embrace each & every emotion…or lack thereof. Your way of grieving is perfect for you. “It is what it is.”
*hugs*
Ginger’s last blog post..RIP Lisa, aka “Clusterfook”
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March 4th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
@Ginger, Hey babe, thanks. As soon as the emotions hit, I’ll embrace them.
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I agree Karl right choice not easy I know. I read this tribute to Lisa and it reminds me that the impact we make on others..it can be made any place you talk or write to a person. I keep thinking from the that people who make comments about people being fake with cancer. Are just freaking morons..cause believe me its never easy dealing cancer even on good days..It was with Lisa daily dealing with it. But I loved her remarks on that and it made me chuckle to I have had my share of bs from people to.
Anyways Lisa is right..and It is what it is. Some will forever want to understand and others are dumb as they come and assume.
I was visiting a friend in hospice the other day.
I leave you with this verse that is written on the wall of the hospice chapel:
The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade at your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all evil;
The Lord will keep your life.
The Lord will keep your going out and coming in
From this time on and forevermore.
Psalm 121
Thanks for reminding me of the importance of being there for our friends. No matter what the situation.
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March 7th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
@kerry, Beautiful words. Thanks.
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Karl, Your tributes to Lisa have been over welming. I knew you could not make the funeral, but you were there. I only meet you once, when you visited Lisa and we shared donuts with Lisa. Two diabetics and a girl (woman) with cancer. Her sence of humor would make the world laugh. Every once in while I could make her laugh. She loved her family, John, Cameron, and Christene and her sister Danille. Me , well I’m finding more about the crazy funny chick that was my daughter and beliveing every thing that happened, after she was my daughter. When I hade my Heart transplant on March 21 2007 two years ago, I left three letters in case anything would happen to me. One, cource was to my wife and one to Danielle. The thrid wa to Lisa. I told her she could do any thing in this world she wanted to do, if she really wanted to do it. She did when she graduated from DeVrie. My girls did not have to read those letters. Lisa posted in the Reading Eagles Blog that we had a bet as to who was going to be cut open first. She told the world that she lost by about 30 minutes. But in the days before she thought it would be great to be recovering with her father. She said we would be on the same road but in different vehicles. In the times that I realse she gone it becomes loanly and then just as fast the memories come and I smile and sometimes laugh. That sprit will never leave the ones who loved (love) Lisa.
Karl, Thanks again and the next time you get near the Philly arae cam and Dude and I’ll build the Maragreta with Big BAD Bill’s Magic Margarita Mix. I gave both Lisa and Danielle the receip and made promise the would take it the grave. Now there are two on earth and the best one is in heaven arguing with her grandfather as to waht is better Gin or Taquila. Who do think will come out on top?
Bill Lisa’s Dad
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