Why I Hate Your Online Dating Profile Photo
Been a while since I’ve done one of these “Why…” posts. I’ve been dabbling in the online dating thing lately, especially now that I found Plenty of Fish, which is free. I’ve tried eHarmony in the past, didn’t get squat after a year. Problem is I live in a small town, so most of the matches occur at least 2 hours away from me.
Between Sparkey on Facebook, Myyearbook.com, and POF.com, I’ve looked through a lot of profiles. And I can tell almost instantly if your profile is one I want to delve into, mostly by your photo.
User Name: [_______]
Listen, I know you want to be with me. Who doesn’t? But there are reasons why it simply cannot be. Your profiile photo sucks. I’m not just talking about you being fugly. I’m talking about the photo you chose to represent you. It’s retarded.
Please note any and all items below that have an “X” before them. Correct said problems and resubmit your application to date me in 6 months.
And yes, these are real dating profile photos.
___ It’s a picture of your back. Beautiful photo, but how the fuck does this help me? Listen, your profile picture is supposed to show me your face. It’s the one-second shot you have to get your profile looked at. I’m not clicking on a picture of your back. I shouldn’t even see your back until after our first coffee when I’m back at your place, pulling your hair from behind as your head slams against the headboard.
___ Cartoons. Not good. Particularly anime. I HATE anime. It’s stupid. And unless you truly look like some soft-focused bug-eyed girl with purple hair, it has no place in your profile photo. Besides, I don’t date 11-year-olds.
___ Winged Angels on the beach. Again, cool photo, but I highly doubt this is you. If it is, I’m not picking the nits out of your wings. That’s got to be a full-time job.
___ Your pet. Right, maybe you don’t understand how this is supposed to work. You put up a picture of YOU, preferably a nice head shot, and that’s how people determine whether or not to click on your profile. I don’t give a flying fuck about your dog, your cat, your hamster, or your goldfish.
___ Or your horse. Unless that’s a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker. Hard to tell.
___ Animations. I like Disney as much as the next person, and I’ll admit that Tinkerbell does kind of turn me on a little. But this doesn’t help me. If this is your way of saying you’re tight, why not show a video of you crushing a hummingbird egg with your vajingle? Speaking of which, I once saw a woman crack an egg into a glass using nothing but. Ah, Amsterdam. Good times.
___ It’s your mouth. Or maybe it’s not, hard to say because you didn’t include the rest of your face! Close-ups of your eyes, or your nose, or your lips…no good. And how the fuck am I supposed to kiss you with that hanging out of your mouth?
___ Tramp Stamp. Sure, it’s reassuring that you’re guaranteed to put out within five minutes of meeting. But really? Is this the first impression you want to give? Perhaps you’re better off looking for Intimate Encounters on Craigslist.
___ Contrast. Brightness. Give it a shot. I use Paint Shop Pro. Doesn’t matter what your graphics software is. Get some. Use it. Otherwise, not only do I think you know really shitty photographers, but I also think you’re trying to hide a goiter on the side of your neck the size of a watermelon.
___ Shades. Windows are the eyes to the soul. I want to see them. Yes, I wear shades pretty much every moment that I’m outside. I’m like a mole man without them. But when I’m posting photos in my profile, particularly the one that people are going to see before they see any of my other photos, shades are off. Try it. You’ll get better results. Unless you have nothing but bloody holes behind your sunglasses. That’s a turn-off, in which case good call on the shades.
___ Tattoo. A slight variation on the tramp stamp profile photo, this is even worse because there’s no guarantee you ride reverse cowgirl. Your tattoo doesn’t show me shit about you, other than the fact that you have no taste. And found a drunk tattoo artist.
___ Fire, Water, Glittery animations. OK, points for having a photo of yourself. But unless you’re 13 and on Myspace, drop all the cutesy animations. Really. The reflecting, rippling water, the hot fire. the glittering vomit. And couldn’t you at least focus the freaking photo?
___ Flash. OK, I’m all about the lighting, but this is fucking ridiculous. Aside from telling me that, yes, you have eyes, I can’t see a damn thing about your face. Get a clue. Would you hit up a guy’s profile if he had a picture like this? Really? THIS is the best photo you could find? And by the way, it’s 2009 now.
___ Two problems in one. Just your eyes, and the glittering thing. Oh, and three…you’re an Avon lady.
___ Babies. OK, wonderful, you’re a mom. I get it. Cute baby, but unlike the winners in NAMBLA, I am not trying to date your baby.
___ Multiples. OK, you’re all cute, but which one is you? Or are you a package deal, because honestly, I can barely handle one woman, let alone five. Not that I’m not willing to give it the old college try, mind you. Still, I reiterate, a nice simple head shot of you and ONLY you is what I’m looking for. Let’s save the orgy for Date #2, shall we?
___ Teeny. Aside from the ridiculous pose, are you fucking serious? 70 by 70 pixels?! I wear glasses, but that’s just insane.
___ Scenery. I don’t get it. Is this a side shot? Because I have to say, that ring around your collar just isn’t doing it for me.
___ Glamour Shots. From the 80’s. Not good. The soft focus, the skyscraper teased hair, and the ol’ thumbs up near the collar, saying Yeah I’m the shit baby. Please. Do yourself a favor. X the Glamour Shots.
___ What. The. Fuck? Are you the Spider Queen from Mars? Or waiting to cast a spell over me? Either way, not interested.
___ Girl’s Best Friend. While this may or may not be true – after all, you have yet to meet me - what the hell is this doing as your dating profile pic? Do you want a guy or not? If I was satisfied with my hand, I wouldn’t be looking at your profile. Not that I AM looking at your profile because I passed it right by.
___ Again with the small. And lack of Photoshop skills to up the brightness. I can’t possibly date anyone that doesn’t know how to properly size photos. Just. Can’t.
___ Chest. OK, you have breasts. That’s a start. But I refuse to get with someone that has no head. Titty fucking only goes so far.
___ Fuzzy. What is this, a sea lion? Are you insane? How does this do me (or you) any good? Take the fucking cheesecloth from over your lens, zoom in, and try again.
Right, that about covers it. You’d be amazed how many of these show up on dating sites. If I wanted to see this shit I’d stay on Myspace. Now, get to snapping those photos and try again. Because I know you want to impress me.
Here, let me show you what a good profile picture looks like.
82 Responses to “Why I Hate Your Online Dating Profile Photo”
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Just remember, even if they do have a face shot, it could be a trick: http://www.damnfunnypictures.com/funny-pictures/3305/Beware-MySpace-Angles/ and http://www.officialdatingresource.com/revenge-of-the-myspace-angles-pics/
(Am I allowed to post links that pick on chubbies…since I am a chubby myself? lol)
Angel’s last blog post..Please don’t take my son-shine away.
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January 26th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
@Angel, Heh, hysterical. Thanks.
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LOL – please tell me there are NORMAL profile pictures on these sites, too!
Miss Britt’s last blog post..With Bated Breath
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January 26th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
@Miss Britt, Oh yeah, one or two.
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Hahahahaha! Thank you for not using my profile picture.
*pixie*’s last blog post..Honestly? I should get off my ass a little more often.
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January 26th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
@*pixie*, Your profile picture is fine, I’m sure.
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I have a friend who won’t use online dating sites b/c she works at a prison & doesn’t want the prisoners looking at her pics. I’m like, “Have you seen what people use for pics on dating sites?”
Eden’s last blog post..Getting on the bus
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January 26th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
@Eden, They give internet access to prisoners? Shit, I need to rob a bank!
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I love your reasoning behind each photo…sheer brilliance! That being said, your picture clearly rocked:)
becky’s last blog post..A Day to Remember
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January 26th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
@becky, I have no idea why nobody’s hitting me up!
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Perhaps this why they’ve reverted to dating sites… not that there’s anything wrong with that.
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January 26th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
@Finn, You may have something there.
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this post cracked me up.
(you so know you contacted the tattooed girl with boobs and no head…c’mon, admit it!)
hello haha narf’s last blog post..Sucking At The Daily Thing
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January 26th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
@hello haha narf, She did have nice bewbs. And decorated, even! Who needs jewelry with a tat like that? *grin*
Angel’s last blog post..Please don’t take my son-shine away.
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January 26th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
@hello haha narf, I didn’t contact any of them. Though I did think about it.
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I cannot believe these are what these people used for pics. I think the best one, truly, was the sea lion on the beach.
Although the Spider Queen one might be worth an email or two.
wolf’s last blog post..Super
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January 26th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
@wolf, I’d be worried about contacting the Spider Queen. Too close to a black widow.
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You crack me the hell up, you really do…mole man, I immedietly got a pic of you squinting thru the sunshine ala mr magoo in my head…and can’t possibly date someone who doesn’t know how to propery resize photos..what a hoot..reminded me of Seinfled!
Funny shit!
cathy’s last blog post..Guilt
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January 26th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
@cathy, Thanks!
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Hahahahahahaha!
Damn. People SUCK!
Hint: girls who post group photos are usually the ugliest or the biggest – or both.
You should post a pic of your raisins.
Sybil Law’s last blog post..1- 26 – 1977
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January 26th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
@Sybil Law, No need to put anyone off their lunch.
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I met Batman on POF over two years ago. Ok, so in the long run THAT didn’t have the happily ever after I was hoping for. But for his profile and the two year run we had, there were a fuckton of losers I had to weed through. Good luck. Too bad I don’t live closer…..
Ms. Batman’s last blog post..Open to Suggestions
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January 26th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
@Ms. Batman, What? You’re single now? I’ll pick you up at 8!
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That was the funniest damn thing I’ve read all day! I might be wrong, but I think that “right hand” photo is from an ad campaign encouraging women to buy themselves a diamond ring to wear on their right hand. Although I can see how you could totally read something else into it
Elizabeth’s last blog post..Space Buddies on DVD & Blu-Ray 2/3
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January 26th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
@Elizabeth, Thanks. I figured it was some kind of campaign, but I certainly didn’t imagine it was for jewelry.
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This just cracked me the fuck up! You’re hilarious!
Geeky Tai-Tai’s last blog post..Thank You Karl… was it good for you too?
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January 26th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
@Geeky Tai-Tai, It’s true. I’m marvelous.
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I gave up on POF after a year. I spent most of my time on there filtering out garbage and found none that seemed serious – well, except for that one Russian guy who seemed real interested in marriage. Of course, there were plenty who were already married as well. Also, the bad profile photos are not limited to the women.
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January 26th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
@noraisins, I’m sure they’re not limited to women, but I have no reason to look at the men’s photos.
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SHIT! There go all my profile pictures.
Cracked me up. I especially love the tramp stamp. That? Is classy.
Meghann’s last blog post..YAY!
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January 26th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
@Meghann, Classy indeed.
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OMG. Karl, this could be the funniest post ever. I just forwarded it to like a million people.
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January 26th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
@Debbie, How are you?! Thanks.
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At least you can mark each and every one of those profiles down as “ugly as shit”, because if they weren’t, they’d make sure to have an absolutely gorgeous photo up there.
Avitable’s last blog post..Avitaweek 2009: It’s over, finally!
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January 26th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
@Avitable, True enough.
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ha!! That’s pretty good…Personally, I prefer OkCupid to POF, but to each his or her own. (okc is free, too.) I think women generally abuse the profile pic more than men. From what I’ve seen, the worst thing men do is put up a pic of their c*ck as their profile pic. Which is annoying on regular dating sites – they need to stick to AFF where stuff like that belongs.
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January 26th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
@Lilly, Maybe I’ll try the OKCupid thing again. It’s been a while. I admit I never thought of putting my cock in my profile photo. I’ve shown it enough on my blog already.
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Is mine bad? This posted on my blog because I am not doing that internet dating thing anymore but I liked my ad- go look here
What are YOU using???
PocketCT’s last blog post..Belated Stuffs
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January 26th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
@PocketCT, Well, I’d certainly date you!
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I thumbed up this on Stumble. The ‘girls best friend’ is also wearing an engagement ring…
Some of those had me dying in laughter, and some had me scratching my head. Funny shit, Karl.
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January 26th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
@Sue, thanks! I’ll take head scratching any day.
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Fucking great post. Having done the online dating some years ago (at least 8 years ago), these types of photos were all over the place. No glamour shots, no pics of you when you were 50 lbs lighter… I want to see the real deal.
martymankins’s last blog post..Snowy Sunday #11
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January 26th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
@martymankins, Exactly!
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Whew, I’m glad that you didn’t put “People who use their work ID picture” on your list. I use mine on POF and Match.
Been there, Done that’s last blog post..Old People Dating
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January 26th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
@Been there, Done that, well, if that’s your work ID, I’d say you don’t have any troubles.
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People do that shit and expect to score dates? Really?
kapgar’s last blog post..Oh baby, it’s cold outside…
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January 26th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
@kapgar, Yes. Yes, they do.
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Oh Karl, this is hysterical. One of my friends is about to enter the online dating world and I will pass this post onto her as food for thought. You should fly up here for my b-day party. You could meet her AND my sister.
Black Belt Mama’s last blog post..90% Back
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January 26th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
@Black Belt Mama, When’s your birthday? What’s your sister’s number? ha.
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Dude… that angel chick is kinda hot. Maybe you should go for it.
SciFi Dad’s last blog post..Assorted
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January 26th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
@SciFi Dad, She is hot. Makes me wonder who is really behind the profile, though.
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I’m not doing the online dating thing these days, but I certainly looked at my share of gap-toothed, broke-toothed, no-toothed guys with guts hanging out of their too-small Larry the Cable Guy plaid shirts, with their uncombed, uncut hair and five-o’clock shadows. Winners, all….
And then there are the words — my God, the words!!! no caps, bad speling, one-line profiles with tired clichés. Yeah, the photos plus those wonderful words are a combo made in heaven, for sure!!!
mikkie’s last blog post..Weighty issues
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January 27th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
@mikkie, Oh, I haven’t even gotten into the TEXT portion of the profiles. That’s a whole other post. You’re absolutely right. Terrible spelling and either no caps or ALL CAPS. Ugh. I can’t date a bad speller, either. Unless she promises never to write me notes. Can’t see that, either. I love notes.
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So are you telling me if I posted a picture of my boobs you wouldn’t hit me up?
Come on now Karl you know you would!
Sarah’s last blog post..San Fransisco
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January 27th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
@Sarah, Honey, I’d hit YOU up anywhere and any time. But not just for your boobs. Your ass is great, too.
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You have no idea how happy I am that I don’t have to troll through those profiles.
NYCWD’s last blog post..The Moment Has Come
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January 27th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
@NYCWD, Oh, I have a pretty good idea. Course, we’re not all lucky enough to have a Poppy. Still, if Poppy had a twin sister…
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There’s just something *sparkly* about you. Hmmmm, I can’t quite put my finger on it but I know I must have it.
Dragon’s last blog post..Mocha Caramel Brownies
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January 27th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
@Dragon, You’ll figure it out.
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thanks for the twats last night~~i posted today
one of the stories of dead husbands ashes
too bad we are so far apart, i would
totally let you jump my bones!
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January 28th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
@ccinmotion, heh, no problem. And I would probably take you up on that.
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Hahahaha. That was funny. Tinkerbell? Really?
Faiqa’s last blog post..Finding Johnny Castle
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January 28th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
@Faiqa, What? She’s a hot little fairy.
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Wow – just wow.
I feel the need to point out that not all girls with a so-called “tramp stamp” puts out within five minutes….I make ‘em wait at least ten minutes.
Sheila (Charm School Reject)’s last blog post..I’m Boring
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January 29th, 2009 at 12:16 am
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), Well, you’re one of the virtuous ones.
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brilliant. though i’m not familiar with dating sites (yet?), this is hilarious.
people are bizarre.
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January 29th, 2009 at 12:17 am
@Crys, They’ll blow your mind.
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Remember that group back photo in the hotel room? Does that explain why I had a splitting headache the next morning? Your tendencies to forehead bash chicks into the furniture?
Must have been so much drunker than I remember.
Anissa@hope4peyton’s last blog post..Mixing things up
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January 29th, 2009 at 12:17 am
@Anissa@hope4peyton, Well, I wasn’t going to tell you.
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Karl, Karl, Karl, Another post that made soda come out my nose! Thank you for that oh so lovely burning feeling.
Note to self: If I ever am single again, get picture for profile approved by Karl first.
Janelle’s last blog post..No Results, Mom & Mike
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January 29th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
@Janelle, Glad I could make you spit through your nose.
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Oh my Karl! This post was absolutely hilarious! I can’t stop laughing; those pictures were TERRIBLE!
Sarcastica’s last blog post..Learning more about the one you love
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February 1st, 2009 at 11:04 am
@Sarcastica, I know. You can’t believe how many of these photos I’ve looked at.
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I pink puffy heart this post. You hit the nail on several heads. Now you just gotta nail the girl…
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February 1st, 2009 at 11:05 am
@Poppy, Ha, thanks. I pink puffy heart your pink puffy hearts.
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Oh Karl. Where have you been all my life?
usedtobeme’s last blog post..Meh
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February 4th, 2009 at 8:56 am
@usedtobeme, Right here. Waiting.
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You mean, when I’m back on the dating scene, this is what I have to look forward to??? And I realized after I posted this and edited it, the irony, but this profile pic wouldn’t be one I posted on a dating site. LOL
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February 7th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
@Lynda, That’s what you have to look forward to.
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Brilliant rant Karl. I fully agree with all of it. Only you missed out a classic….
“NO PROFILE PIC”
I’m on Match and I would say that 50% of the girls that contact me have NO PROFILE PIC, but fill out their profile under the lame premise that the photo is just one of the options, and dare me to say otherwise!
I just received one, literally a few minutes ago, that says, “I don’t have a pic, but I think that we coincide on most things.”
Like what? Blindness? Absolute visual indifference?
Like I should drop everything for a girl who probably looks like a hippo, because we both ticked the “likes to watch movies” box.
But there are worse ofenders:
1)Those who say contact me by phone or by mail and then I ‘ll send you my pic, clearly don’t get what dating websites are all about. I don’t want to contact someone, to later have to personally let them down!
2)Those who claim not to have photos of themselves! Like photos are something only a privileged few of us have access to! What else do they not have, a name? Feet? Clothes?
3) Those who attack you for asking for a profile pic, instead of simply appreciating “inner beauty”. For all dating newbies, this happens an awful lot!
Look for all I know, you are as ugly on the inside as I imagine you are on the outside!
Why do so many ‘daters’ who do not post pictures assume implicit ‘inner beauty.’ and try to take some kind of moral high ground against us shallow folk, that actually would like to see what our dates might look like!
Also, guaranteed that all these ‘inner beauties’ search for profiles based on photographs just like the rest of us!!!
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May 15th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
By the way I didnt put my blog pic, because I would prefer you to appreciate my inner beauty.
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May 19th, 2009 at 10:44 am
@Mathew, Yes, the no profile pic thing is very common. You’re right. Very frustrating.
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