My Doctor is Not Tawny Kitaen
Tonight is another episode of SecondHand Radio and my guest is the beautiful cop, Shash from Diary of a Crazed Mommy. Shash is a ton of fun to hang with…I’m hoping to do it again soon. She’s funny, pretty, intelligent, and full of grace.
And she’s all mine for a full hour tonight at 10pm Eastern!
Tune in tonight. There’s a chatroom where you can join in on the fun. It opens at 9:45pm. You’re welcome to call in, too.
The call-in number is 724-444-7444, Call ID is 23738.
Woo hoo! I booked my plane tickets yesterday for Tequilacon! I’m flying into Albuquerque April 24, renting a car, driving to Santa Fe, partying down, leaving whenever on Sunday, and driving down to my old stomping grounds, Alamogordo.
Never heard of it? No surprise. Regardless, I have a lot of history there. Graduated high school in the top 50% of my class, lost my virginity, and met my future ex-wife there. So I thought I’d go visit for a few days. Haven’t been back to Alamo since my 20-year reunion.
The only thing left to do is book my hotel in Santa Fe because the venue hasn’t been announced yet. All you cool kids who are going…let me know if and when you book your hotel so we can stay together, OK? Not in the same room, necessarily, but in the same hotel. I wouldn’t subject most of you to the WJP.
So I went to the doctor last week for a follow-up and my nipple markers must have done the trick because the x-rays came back clean. Whew!
And my doctor says to me – again – “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”
For sure, this time, she’s going to ask me if it’s okay for her to expose herself to me. Right? Two visits in a row she asks me this question?
I smile and say, “Sure.”
I’m sure she’s about to unbutton her blouse, show me those olive bosoms. Everything starts moving in slow motion. Someone off set starts a strong fan that’s blowing her hair around in a sexed-up Whitesnake-video fashion. She smiles and slowly, oh so slowly, rakes her tongue across her highly-glossed lips.
Then she says the four magic words: “What is that ring?”
POP!
My bubble bursts and, much to my dismay, there are no free-range breasts roaming anywhere in the room.
“The ring?”
“Yes,” she says, pointing to my hand. “That ring you’re wearing, what is it?”
I looked down at my hand, which was not at all pinching her nipples, and there it was. A ring.
“Oh, yeah,” I said. She doesn’t know what that is? And she’s in charge of my medical care? “It’s a cross.”
“I know what it is,” she says, “but what does it mean to you?” And here we go again. The last time she asked me a personal question it was about my eternal salvation. Now we’re going to discuss religious iconography.
“It’s a symbol of Christianity,” I say. Am I going to have to teach CCD to my doctor?
“Yes, I know. You’re a Christian?”
“Well, it would be an awfully silly thing to wear if I wasn’t.”
“Lots of people wear crosses and it doesn’t mean anything more than a fashion accessory to them.”
“True, but I’m not one of them,” I say.
“So you’re a Christian.” It’s a statement this time, not a question.
“Yes.”
“Can I ask what -”
“Catholic.”
“Oh,” she says. One of those. “Catholic?”
“Yes.” Now can we commence the striptease? I’ve got my iPod in my pocket and I can have “Here We Go Again” playing in less than 4 seconds.
“What church do you go to?” she asks.
“Well, I haven’t been going much [at all] lately, but St. Catherine’s. Close to downtown.”
“Yes, and what is it that Catholics believe?” This is one of those loaded questions, I find, that non-Catholic Christians like to ask. I don’t know what they expect to hear.
Oh, we’re Pagans through and through. We worship statues and bow at Mary’s feet and occasionally sacrifice a lamb.
“The same thing that most Christians believe. Christ died on the cross for our sins,” I say.
She nods. Then she asks me about people praying to Mary, and saints, and praying the rosary, and all those evil things that all Catholics do. And I smile and answer her questions, more educated than a lot of Catholics because I chose to become Catholic as an adult. And I asked lots and lots of questions.
So it’s clear to me she’s likely a non-denominational Christian, which is fine with me. I have no problem with that. I’m not one of those Catholics that believe that the Catholic Church is the only way to finding God. I think God calls us each somewhere, and we should answer that call, wherever it takes us. Jews, Baptists, Methodists, Buddhists, whatever. As long as you’re not Pentecostal. Those snake-handling bastards are fucking crazy.
I kid, of course. Sort of.
We have a nice, pleasant conversation about Christ and religion and Catholicism for a few minutes and all my fantasies about asking her out – inappropriate as that may be – come to a crashing halt. I’m not an evangelist and she happens to believe we should ALL be evangelizing. Clearly. She’s doing it in a freaking doctor’s office.
She asks me if I’m sharing the Word, which is the job of all Christians, and I lie and say yes. I’m not. Not actively, anyway. I’m not a proactive Word-Sharer. Maybe that’s a bad thing but all I can think of at the moment is what it was like living as an atheist, what a turn-off it was to hear Bible-thumpers thumpin’ that Bible. And I know in my heart that the best way to share the Word is to live it and not just talk about it. Set an example.
Not that I’m any great example, mind you. Obviously. I’m sure Jesus wasn’t out in the Holy Land, fantasizing about women’s hair blowing in slow motion to a Whitesnake soundtrack. He prefers The Doors.
I remember when I wrote about my last visit to the doctor, how offended some of you were, that a doctor would ask about religion. That doesn’t bug me. I’m happy to talk about my faith, such that it is, with most anyone who asks. That’s because I’m a REactive Word-Sharer.
I just wonder if next time she’ll remember that I’m a Christian so she doesn’t have to establish it yet again. I mean, she did notice that I had new glasses this time, which is something. Hmm, maybe she has a just-as-hot younger sister who likes a little sacrificial lamb once in a while.
Oh, and here’s a new shirt from the SecondHand Store:
Filed under 2HRadio, 2HT Mentions, Bloggity Blog, Humor, Local Goings On, Religion, Sex, TequilaCon | Comments (44)
44 Responses to “My Doctor is Not Tawny Kitaen”
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I’m sure you already fielded these comments in the previous post, but I can’t believe a doctor instigated a conversation like that while working. That’s weird.
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January 15th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
@Whit, Yeah, a little weird, I admit.
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Thanks…I laughed so loud at Jesus preferring the Doors that I scared my cat. I think he’s scarred. :-p hehe…
Personally, I’m not in disbelief that your doc brought any of that stuff up…once you mentioned her asking if you shared “the Word”…yeah, all surprise went out the window there. I live in TX & am surrounded by those “snake-handling bastards” (and yes, they are fucking crazy), amongst others. The type that insist upon sharing the Word are the type that are clueless that there’s a place and a time for it. And a doctor’s office ain’t it.
Sorry you didn’t get to see any boobies.
What a pity! 
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January 15th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
@Lilly, Agreed. I suppose I enjoyed it, truth be told. I’ve never before been preached to by one of my doctors, so it was kind of novel.
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Your post rang a little Douglas Adams-y. Nice.
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January 15th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
@whall, Wow, now THAT’S a compliment!
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Huh….. I’d have to find another doctor. That just seems highly inappropriate for a medical professional to do.
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January 15th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
@Blondefabulous, Yes, it is. But when she asked if it was OK to ask me a personal question, I could have always said no.
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I think that it was better to have that conversation when you did than when she was checking your prostate.
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January 15th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
@SciFi Dad, Ha! Very true, sir.
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Excellent use of a Whitesnake reference!! But still, you’re doctor kinda creeps me out. I”m glad that the x-ray came back normal. And have a great time at TC!! And even more fun revisiting your old stomping grounds.
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January 15th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
@becky, Whitesnake rules!
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You said:
“Oh, we’re Pagans through and through. We worship statues and bow at Mary’s feet and occasionally sacrifice a lamb.”
For the record, Pagans do not sacrifice animals. It is against our beliefs to intentionally do harm to other creatures of the earth, except for the express use of reusing the remains (fur, meat) to survive. Many pagans are vegetarians and vegans because even that is too much for them.
We also don’t worship statues. Like Catholics, we have them as an ever present reminder of the Gods and Godesses we worship and follow.
Just wanted to make sure you knew that.
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January 15th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
@Cissa Fireheart, I know that. I was being sarcastic and playing toward false perceptions. No offense, just as I meant no offense to Jesus.
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Relieved your nipples were just in the way.
Where’s the shirt that says, “This shirt is more popular than my blog?” That’s the one I need.
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January 15th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
@Finn, Hmmm, I could always design one.
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OH… I forgot about the ring. That explains at least a LITTLE bit about the last conversation.
I am so so so so so happy to hear that your results came back clean. So happy. Whew.
As for sharing “the Word,” I’m also a Christian who doesn’t really do that — I’ll talk about it with whomever asks me, and sometimes I instigate those conversations, but mostly in an idea-sharing / comparison / discussion format, not in a “I’m spreading the Word” way.
But I think your ring is actually a way of doing that. It opens the door to conversation, just like with your doctor.
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January 15th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
@jessica, I never thought about it that way. I suppose the ring does open some doors to conversation. Totally not why I wear it, but that’s definitely a side effect.
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I agree with Cissa. That’s an inaccurate depiction of paganism. I have a lot of very close friends who are pagans, and I’ve yet to hear about any bloodletting…
As for Tawny, I can’t think of her without visualizing her at the end of the movie Witchboard – wearing a suit and wielding an axe…
xo
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January 15th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
@Princess of the Universe, Never saw that movie. And yeah, I know it’s inaccurate. Exactly why I wrote it. There are a lot of inaccuracies surrounding Catholicism, too.
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I went through RCIA class about 15 years ago. The Catholics were a lot more laid back than I’d expected. Of course, to have really had to work at it to have been as uptight as the Southern Baptists had been.
I can’t imagine my doctor witnessing to me. Does that knock anything off the co-pay?
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January 15th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
@delmer, Yeah, I went through RCIA myself around the same time. 1995. And it’s a VA clinic, so there’s no copay. One of the benefits I got from serving in the military, thank God. I have no insurance otherwise.
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I know for a fact you’d be extra turned on if she was Pentacostal, what with the phallic snake shit and all.
(I’ll try and listen tonight!!)
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January 15th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
@Sybil Law, You’re absolutely right. Then I might have had to have some fun with her.
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I am so glad to hear you’re o.k.
Black Belt Mama’s last blog post..Mixed Messages
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January 15th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
@Black Belt Mama, Me too! Thanks.
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I have a sign on my front door that says “no solicitors and no evangelizing”
Really.
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January 15th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
@metalmom, Heh, very smart. I like it.
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So glad you’re okay. So *this* is what fellas think about while they’re talking to women.
Loved the bit about having “Here we go again” in your pocket and postulating that He likes the Doors.
Classic Karl, my dear.
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January 15th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
@Cindy, Hiya! Oof, I owe you an email! And of COURSE this is what men think about when we’re talking to women! Are you meaning to tell me that women don’t think similarly?
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PHEW!! I’m glad your x-rays are clean!!
I was born Catholic, but my parents didn’t put me into eucharistic classes nor CCD… so I was never confirmed. I chose to later in life, after my first child was born. I’m glad I waited, because I have a deeper understanding and reverence for the faith than I would have if it was forced on me as a kid. So I understand those moments when you have to defend it against the modern permutations of Christianity.
LVGurl’s last blog post..Later days
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January 15th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
@LVGurl, Yeah, you’re right. I think you appreciate religion a lot more as an adult than as a child when you’re forced to go. Made all the difference in the world to me.
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Well at least you have a Doctor that wants to listen to you. Mine doesn’t say two words to me and then she’s out the door. It kind of makes me anti-Doctor a little bit.
I really don’t know where I was going with that.
I can’t go to TequilaCon! I am so mad about it. I have a stupid 7am final the following Monday! Gah. I think I might sulk a bit more about it now.
Sarah’s last blog post..The GSD Interview
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January 15th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
@Sarah, Yeah, I hear you. I’ve been to plenty of doctors where it was in-and-out in less than 5 minutes. Asssembly line medicine. Ugh. Sorry you can’t go! That bites.
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It’s a crazy world we live in when even the Pagans can get offended over being depicted incorrectly.
geezuz christ!
OK that alone probably offended a pagan somewhere.
Seriously, though. I just got done defending a Jehovah’s Witness in another blog(they were being depicted incorrectly, then I come here and Pagans are correcting you, and you’re correcting the doctor about Catholics and well…. I need a glass of wine. Or “the blood” of Christ, if you will. *wink*
Twinkie’s last blog post..A Call To Service
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January 17th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
@Twinkie, We’re all sensitive about something.
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My doctor never wanted to talk about religion. Just birth control.
Stacey’s last blog post..Because Yesterday It Was Negative Nine Fricken Degrees
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January 18th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
@Stacey, Now there’s a topic my doctor has never mentioned.
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I glad to hear your xray came back normal! Whoooohooo!
Yeah, that is weird that the doc is asking personal questions such as that…..I don’t think it’s professional and not what their taught to do. You handled it in style. Funny that you were thinking about tawny/whitesnake in your mind…cracked me up.
Tequilacon sounds fun……I really enjoyed Santa fe when we visited a while back.
Patty’s last blog post..daydreaming
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January 20th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
@Patty, Thanks, I’m glad they came back normal, too. May not be professional, and I can understand why many people WOULD be offended if that were to happen with THEIR doctor, but I’m fine with it. Are you going to TequilaCon?
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Eh, doesn’t seem like it was an entirely appropriate conversation to be having in a doctor’s office. One can never tell who they might offend bring up religious beliefs. After all, wars have been started over religion.
But if you were comfortable, I don’t really see a problem.
Lynda’s last blog post..Lynda On The Move, part 2
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January 23rd, 2009 at 11:25 pm
@Lynda, True enough. Not appropriate for a doctor visit.
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Time out…you’re going to be in my neck of the woods??? Are you seriously going to be only a hop, skip and a jump over the Organ Mountains? Holy guacamole.
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February 7th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
@Trysha, Yep, I’ll be in Alamogordo at the end of April!
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