Friendship is a Tricky Thing
Geeky Hearts Kar L
First of all, it’s the return of SecondHand Radio tonight at 10pm Eastern! I took a couple of weeks off for the holidays, but am back for 2009, baby. New and improved taste!
My guest tonight will be the delectable Diana, aka Geeky Tai-Tai. I’ve known Geeky online for a couple of years now, but first met her in person last year for TequilaCon. Now that she’s back in the States, I hope I can see much more of her.
And look at her! She’s wearing a limited edition shirt. Can you figure out what it says? Or are you like me, wishing she wasn’t wearing a bra?
Diana is warm and intelligent and has an infectious laugh. It doesn’t hurt that she’s hot, either. We’ll be having a fun show, as usual, and you’re all welcome to join in. There’s a chatroom, which opens 15 minutes before show time. And everyone is welcome to call in, too.
Showtime: 10pm Eastern tonight!
Call-in Number: 724-444-7444, Call ID = 23738
I recommend that you register at Talkshoe.com ahead of time, so you can feel fully actuated and shit.
And if you can’t make the live show, it’ll be available for download soon thereafter. Check out my blog’s sidebar…just click on the 2HR on iTunes button and subscribe to the podcast in iTunes.
So Adam and Britt had a great show last night, all about friendship and what it means to be a “good” friend vs. a shitty one. I’ve been giving this a lot of thought in the last few months, mostly because a very good friendship of mine ended with the stated reason being that I’m a shitty friend.
Now, before you go getting all defensive on my behalf, let me say that some of the points this friend made to me are quite valid. I do tend to disappear, sometimes at inopportune moments. Withdrawal/isolation is a really bad habit of mine. I tend to cocoon myself whenever my depression gets really bad, can’t be bothered with much beyond getting out of bed, and even that’s a chore many days.
When I say I withdraw, I’m not playing around. In the past, there have been months when I cannot be reached – not by blog or email or text or chat. I’ve ignored phone calls. No matter how depressed you get, this behavior is unacceptable. Especially when you consider the possibility that the world really doesn’t (always) revolve around you.
Other people that don’t live in my head have problems and needs. They require my time and attention, my sympathy, empathy, many times just my ears. And when I withdraw from society, my friends who are trying to reach out to me in their time of need get snubbed. And that’s not cool.
So I made an oath last year for New Year’s that I wouldn’t do that any more, the Complete and Utter Withdrawal. I’m not saying I don’t tune out sometimes, but if and when I do, I announce it. I don’t ignore phone calls. I check my email at least once a day and answer those that are necessary. This is not easy for me, but it’s certainly easier than it used to be.
That said, I suppose I expect the same in return. I don’t differentiate between online friends and offline friends these days. Friends are friends. What, with free cell phone minutes at night and on weekends, there’s no reason you can’t be very good friends with someone who doesn’t share your proximity.
If I email someone and don’t get a response within, oh, 48-72 hours, then I do tend to feel a little slighted. I know that not everyone has their ass in front of a computer round the clock like I do. But I think 3 days is an acceptable expectation for a response, even if it’s just “I can’t talk right now.” Course, I don’t always meet those expectations myself, but I try.
And I demand absolute honesty from my friends. Even when it hurts, and it sometimes does. When someone ignores me in multiple media and never tells me that something is bothering them about me, then that’s just wrong. I don’t believe in the festering. It always just makes things worse. Get it out there, put it on the table, hash it out, and deal with it.
Ever since I started working again last August, I’ve found managing my time nearly impossible. I know it’s because I need to work on the balance thing. I need to portion out my time better…make time to blog, and read blogs. Make more time for my friends.
If I want more friends, a better class of friend, then don’t I need to be the sort of friend I want? You’ve gotta clean your own shit first before you go fretting about everyone else’s.
I want to be the friend that you can always lean on. I mean, I don’t want extremely clingy, needy friends, don’t get me wrong. But when you need me – whether it be to talk my ear off about something that’s bothering you or to help you with some computer problems – I want to be there. I want to be accessible. And sure, for the laughs, too.
At the moment, my feedreader is choking to death. I’m rather out of the loop with everyone and what’s going on in their universe. I plan to try catching up in the next few days, making the time I need to make.
I don’t want to be a shitty friend. If there’s any resolution for me to make in the new year, it’s that one.
Filed under 2HRadio, Bloggity Blog, Relationships | Comments (52)52 Responses to “Friendship is a Tricky Thing”
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Ha! Honesty – that’s what I wrote about tonight.
I try to not be a shitty friend but I know that I’m not the best friend out there. But I know what it’s like to have depression sap everything out of you – so I am giving you a free pass on that one.
Yay for resolutions and being a good friend!!
xoxo
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January 8th, 2009 at 8:12 am
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), Yeah, saw your post. Clearly, you’re riled up about it.
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i try to be the type of friend that i would like to have, not always easy… great post karl
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January 8th, 2009 at 8:12 am
@tori, Yeah, that’s the key, isn’t it?
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I can absolutely relate to the withdrawal thing, and if you can gain control over that, you’re a stronger man than I. Unfortunately, it’s something that absolutely cannot be grasped by those who have not experienced it personally. It’s not simply being depressed. My husband has gone through several episodes with me, and still can’t fully comprehend the depth of the abyss you fall into. At least he does understand that it’s not something we *choose* to do. For the love of God, who would? And when I suddenly, inexplicably plummet into the depths of despair, I’m too fucking busy fighting for survival to be thinking about other people. Sorry if that makes me a shitty friend, but staying alive takes priority. And yes, there are medications for it. They turn you into an emotionally flat-lined zombie. I’d rather suffer the agony of the abyss now and then than never feel ANYTHING. Because that’s just walking death.
I admire your determination, Karl, and truly hope you succeed in your efforts. To not be a “shitty friend” AND to get a girlfriend.
)
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January 8th, 2009 at 8:15 am
@SJ, I get what you’re saying. Thing is, even when we sink down into depression, it pays off to at least put the word out that you’re incommunicado. With the Internets, all it takes is one short sentence in a blog post.
In my case, I find that the meds level me out, but they’re highly preferred to the alternative. I’m not emotionally dead or anything. But without the meds my ups and downs are way too out of control.
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Dude, you’ve been working for five months and you still can’t figure a balance between blogging and working? You’ve been lazy waaayyy too long!
SJ, some of the most vivacious people I know take anti-depressants and still manage to have peaks and valleys of emotion and are the furthest I’d ever call from a zombie. Your ignorance with that might be preventing you from actually getting treatment that you need.
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January 8th, 2009 at 8:16 am
@Avitable, I know, right? As for the meds, different meds affect different people different ways. It’s a total trial-and-error thing with mood stabilizers and antidepressants. It can take many years to find the right cocktail.
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I was just sitting here thinking about writing an entry about friendship. I can relate with the withdrawing because I have done it and I have a friend who does that for months at a time. It is frustrating I know. A little heads up is always good.
I actually had something else I was going to say but I lost my train of thought.
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January 8th, 2009 at 8:17 am
@DaDuck, Yeah, it’s the heads-up that makes a big difference. Oftentimes, when you’re that depressed the last thing you’re thinking about is anyone other than yourself.
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Avitable, if you actually had experience with this condition, you would know that anti-depressants are not the meds I was talking about. I take two medications daily, one of which IS in fact an anti-depressant (the fourth one I’ve been on in the past 15 years). I have been under the care of physicians who specialize in this disorder for many years. I am not the one who is ignorant here.
Karl, you are so right about finding the right med cocktail. I haven’t been lucky in that so far, but with every new head drug that comes out, I keep hoping it will be my magic.
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January 8th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
@SJ, Patience is the hardest freaking part about the meds game.
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Good post, Karl. I often feel like I need to devote more time to my friends, especially since my “circle” has grown decidedly smaller over the years, and many of my dear friends are scattered all over the country. That said, I am the WORST at staying in touch…I am *that* friend who never calls and never writes. I just don’t talk on the phone all that much, and I’m always afraid that people will get tired of hearing the details of my “same-old, same-old” days. This definitely gives me food for thought.
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January 8th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
@Tracy, It’s the staying in touch part that I think can be hard sometimes. It’s easy to take these relationships for granted.
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As a thrilled recipient of both the depression and the “shitty friend” vibe lately, I’m feeling you.
I’m not making excuses, and we all need to try to be better as people, but sometimes life just gets impossible.
xo
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January 8th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
@Princess of the Universe, Oh yeah, there are definitely times when it’s impossible. But the key is working at being better maybe 53.7% of the time.
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I think I’ve said it all via Twitter last night
You’ll do amazing, I think when we recongize our wrong doings and make an attempt to fix it, it helps us change. It may not be a direct, noticable easy change, but by attempting it we are at least letting everyone else know that we know it’s wrong and want to fix it.
Keep your chin up!!
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January 8th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
@Sarcastica, Very true. It’s the attempt that matters.
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Karl, thank you very much for your kind words! You’re such a flatterer
This is a very interesting topic, and I must confess that I tend to isolate when going through tough times. Sometimes it’s a matter of privacy for me — making it impossible for me to share my feelings. It’s easier for me to withdraw and work through the difficulties with the help of my family and a few very close friends.
I’m looking forward to the show tonight! See you at 9:45!
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January 8th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
@Geeky Tai-Tai, Yeah, I dig the privacy. Thing is, we all (should) have at least 1 or 2 really close people to us that we can unload on when needed. I’m not saying all friends are equal.
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Great post, although I understand Avitable’s comment about the balance. It’s a tough thing, even for those of us that are not on anything stronger than an OTC pill for heartburn.
My issue is letting too many thing distract me from doing what I want. I let things like work and other bullshit get in the way of what I want to do. Bills are paid and I’m a reliable employee, but it still doesn’t make me happy that there are words in my head that need to be put onto paper, into a blog post or in a Word document that will eventually turn into something I’m proud for others to read.
Hang in there. The right balance will happen, it just may take some time, as you said.
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January 8th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
@martymankins, The balance…ugh. It’s a hard thing to achieve. A neverending exercise, methinks.
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Sometimes I find that dragging my ass out of bed, only to log onto the computer all day is all that I need to pull out of a funk. I read that someone else is feeling the same way and it’s comforting. I have noticed that 4 out of 5 of my ‘closest’ friends are like me…..slow on the ‘keep in touch’. But if we really need each other, we know how to find each other.
Empty the feedreader and start all over fresh. I don’t think you’ll miss much and if you do, there’s always archives.
Head up friend!
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January 8th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
@metalmom, Yeah, that’s the plan. Reset the feedreader.
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I think it speaks volumes about your character that you recognize what is wrong and are actually willing to work on fixing it!!
I don’ believe in online and offline friends. My friends are my friends, and I will try to do whatever I can to help them whenever possible.
Yay for friendships in2009:)
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January 8th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
@becky, Well said!
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I agree with you, to keep good friends, you need to be a good friend. Wise words, my friend (or eventually one, I hope)
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January 10th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
@Dragon, Wise? I don’t know if I’d call myself that. But yeah, the words work for me.
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Karl, you express those tricky emotions so well, and they resonate with my own more often than not. I’m guilty of not communicating for longish periods of time, and apparently my friends are, too — but as metalmom said, if we need each other, we know how to get in touch. Improvement on that count is definitely on the “to do” list!
You’re one of my favorite bloggers — thanks for sharing yourself with the rest of us!
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January 10th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
@mikkie, Aw, thanks. That’s nice to hear. I’ve spent far too much time in therapy not to be able to express myself somewhat.
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Great show, thank you for helping me remember Krull is my favorite 80s movie!
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January 10th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
@Poppy, For real with the Krull?
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Karl, the very fact that you can look inward and admit your weaknesses is a lot more than many people can do. You have already won half the battle. Just take it one day at a time and keep moving forward in your steps toward becoming the person you want to be.
I say those things to myself everyday!
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January 10th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
@Ginger, We all need to look within from time to time. Got to be in cahootz with our navels.
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I had someone who I had just met point out this personality trait to me. I don’t quite know how I never realized that sometimes I drop off the face of the Earth for months at a time and in their eyes, for no apparent reason.
I don’t like my friends any less during these times, but learning this about myself helped me to see how it could be taken that way.
Unlike you, I haven’t chosen to try to change this. I really value my alone time. It seems that shutting myself off from everything and everyone allows me the time to really take a look at myself and helps me to think a little clearer. I have no doubt that these episodes are likely related to depression as well.
I do lose a lot of friends this way, but I seem to be content with at least understanding why. I know that if a friend was truly in need I would be there for them, but I don’t think they can see that.
I hope that you are content with your decision and that it works out well for you. I admire your strength and determination. Even though I only see a part of who you are here, you seem like a pretty cool friend.
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January 10th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
@noraisins, That’s the thing, though. I’m not willing to lose friends over my self-centeredness. Not when it’s (relatively) easily corrected on my part. It doesn’t take much to reach out briefly, even when you feel like cocooning yourself. Like I said, just a brief “I don’t feel like talking right now, but I’ll be back in touch soon” works wonders.
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Interesting timing, me reading this just now…seconds after I sent an email to someone I care about very much apologizing for being a crappy friend the past few weeks. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed and can’t seem to keep up. It is almost like I can’t even breathe because I have so much to do and so many people depending on me. That isn’t a good excuse, it is really times like that when I feel so stressed I think I am going to explode that I should be reaching out to friends and making sure they know they are very important to me.
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January 10th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
@tori, You hit it right on the head. It’s those times when we feel overwhelmed, desperate even, that we most need the support of our friends. Withdrawal – in the end – doesn’t help us. Now, I’m not saying alone time isn’t important…it is. But I can differentiate between me-time and withdrawing from society.
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wish i could have caught the show last night. i was actually working on not being a shitty friend myself while you got to hang out with geeky. hope you had a great time.
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January 10th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
@hello haha narf, No worries, babe. Had some technical issues with the sound, anyway. You can always listen to the show later.
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Damn it! Can I be a clingy friend of yours who requires you to remind me about shows?!
Obviously, i am a shitty friend – I’ve had a much harder time around this year just keeping up with blogs in general. I love hearing about what people are doing, but DAMN it’s hard to keep up! And i also tend to disappear, but not so much from real life friends. I don’t value my online friends any less – in fact, I might value them a teensy bit more – but I guess it’s easier to ignore them (so to speak) when I’m busy or whatever.
Guess I should work on that, too. Still – if I get a phone call, anytime, I am all over it for my friends.
So – call me.
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January 10th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
@Sybil Law, I may take you up on that soon. Hope all is well in your court.
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I can’t believe I missed Geeky on your show.
The rest of your post was lost behind the regret of not being in the chat room that night. Kidding.
I’m just like you when I get in “the funk.” Only I taught myself at a fairly young age not to pull away even though I want to really, really bad. You know what? It’s still extremely painful to interact at those times, for me and probably for the people I’m interacting with. Whereas I might normally be sympathetic to the person who calls me to complain about how her husband/BF of fifteen years has acted like a shit for the 300th time this year, when I’m in the funk, I’ll say something like, “Why does this surprise you? Are you really this stupid?”
IOW I’m kind of a bitch to everyone during those times. So, I don’t know which is worse, being an uber-bitch or just not answering the phone? Hmm, maybe warning people is probably a good idea.
Sorry for rambling.
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January 10th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
@Faiqa, Yeah, I can be an asshole when I’m “forced” to socialize while in a funk. It’s another thing I’m aware of and so try to control. Just be sure to give me a warning when you’re in the mood, eh?
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This is Bossy, the really terrific friend (would you believe mediocre?) saying Happy New Year!
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January 10th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
@BOSSY, Happy New Year!
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Wow, Geeky Tai-Tai is HOT! If I’da known that, I would’ve helped her with her blog a LOT EARLIER!
My friendship can be bought.
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January 14th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
@whall, You should have asked me. I coulda told you she’s a babe.
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Whall, you’re my heroic geeky friend FOREVER!
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January 14th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
@Geeky Tai-Tai, I thought *I* was your heroic geeky friend (but really more than friends, with your husband being the only detail separating us from a life of ecstatic bliss)!
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I withdrew when I was planning on leaving my husband. It was something I really wanted to talk about but really couldn’t. So, I stopped blogging. I really didn’t call my mom. I was more depressed than I realized I was at the time too.
But, I think that in addition to trying to be the friend you want to be, a good friend will forgive you when you aren’t or can’t be the friend you want to be as well.
As for the complete lack of communication, do you find that answering the phone calls and emails sometimes makes you a little less depressed? (That’s more my own curiosity than anything else.)
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January 27th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
@Lynda, Temporary withdrawals are understandable. It’s when they get to be lengthy, that’s when I’ve found it to be problematic. As for answering the phone and email, depends on who it is, to be honest. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes not.
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