Radical Social Acts
Tonight, it’s another episode of SecondHand Radio at 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific. Your time zone may vary. If you click on “2H Radio” at the top of my blog, there’s a time zone converter link there that you can use to figure it out. I’m not trying to ostracize anyone based on where you live. Well, except for you people in the Aleutians. You know why.
My guest tonight is Cath from Seventh Notebook. Catherine and I have never spoken before, and it’s bound to make for lively conversation. She knows the wacky hours I keep sometimes since she’s often on Twitter late at night…late at nighth for me, anyway.
Everyone is welcome to join in the chatroom action, which opens 15 minutes before showtime and runs during the entire show. You’re also welcome to call in at any time during the hour, shoot the shit with Cath and I, ask questions, whatever.
Show Link:
http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/23738
Showtime = 10:00 pm Eastern time
Call-in Number: 724-444-7444, Call ID is 23738
If you haven’t joined me for the show before, go register yourself at Talkshoe.com to make things very simple. You can also download the Talkshoe Live client, or listen and participate using the web page interface.
I’ll be announcing the showtime on Twitter when we start getting close tonight, so if you don’t already follow me there, go forth and Twitterpate me.
Hope to see you there!
My sleeping habits leave a lot to be desired of late. Again. I go through these bouts of insomnia and if it weren’t for my drug cocktail I’d probably never see the Z’s. Tuesday night I went out for the first time in quite a while, to the local watering hole, the only place in town that serves Guinness on tap.
Yeah, I went by myself, as is typically the case. Had a couple of beers while people watching and ogling the bartenders, then came back home.
I plan today to continue these radical social acts by going to the coffeeshop, which I hear is planning to move locations within the month. It won’t be too much farther away, but I should take advantage of the extremely close locale while I can.
I’ll do my work from Brewsters and I’m sure I’ll be around on chat if you feel like hitting me up for some deep (not) and riveting (also not) conversation.
Cuz, y’know, what you really need when you’re not sleeping enough is lots more caffeine. Fuck it. I laugh in the face of sleep-deprivation-based delusions! HA! There, I did it just now. Who needs REM sleep?
I just wish these little purple one-eyed aliens would quit jumping on my keyboard.
PS: I’ve been playing this Mafia game on my iPhone. It’s called Mafia Live and it’s a $2.99 game, similar to Mob Wars on Facebook (I’m guessing).
If you have an iPhone, go download this app right now. Then ADD ME to your family. Do it. For reals. Yo, Don Karlione speaks. You best listen.
My Family Code = 194 000 323
Filed under 2HRadio, Local Goings On, iPhone | Comments (12)Why I Hate Your Online Dating Profile Photo
Been a while since I’ve done one of these “Why…” posts. I’ve been dabbling in the online dating thing lately, especially now that I found Plenty of Fish, which is free. I’ve tried eHarmony in the past, didn’t get squat after a year. Problem is I live in a small town, so most of the matches occur at least 2 hours away from me.
Between Sparkey on Facebook, Myyearbook.com, and POF.com, I’ve looked through a lot of profiles. And I can tell almost instantly if your profile is one I want to delve into, mostly by your photo.
User Name: [_______]
Listen, I know you want to be with me. Who doesn’t? But there are reasons why it simply cannot be. Your profiile photo sucks. I’m not just talking about you being fugly. I’m talking about the photo you chose to represent you. It’s retarded.
Please note any and all items below that have an “X” before them. Correct said problems and resubmit your application to date me in 6 months.
And yes, these are real dating profile photos.
___ It’s a picture of your back. Beautiful photo, but how the fuck does this help me? Listen, your profile picture is supposed to show me your face. It’s the one-second shot you have to get your profile looked at. I’m not clicking on a picture of your back. I shouldn’t even see your back until after our first coffee when I’m back at your place, pulling your hair from behind as your head slams against the headboard.
___ Cartoons. Not good. Particularly anime. I HATE anime. It’s stupid. And unless you truly look like some soft-focused bug-eyed girl with purple hair, it has no place in your profile photo. Besides, I don’t date 11-year-olds.
___ Winged Angels on the beach. Again, cool photo, but I highly doubt this is you. If it is, I’m not picking the nits out of your wings. That’s got to be a full-time job.
___ Your pet. Right, maybe you don’t understand how this is supposed to work. You put up a picture of YOU, preferably a nice head shot, and that’s how people determine whether or not to click on your profile. I don’t give a flying fuck about your dog, your cat, your hamster, or your goldfish.
___ Or your horse. Unless that’s a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker. Hard to tell.
___ Animations. I like Disney as much as the next person, and I’ll admit that Tinkerbell does kind of turn me on a little. But this doesn’t help me. If this is your way of saying you’re tight, why not show a video of you crushing a hummingbird egg with your vajingle? Speaking of which, I once saw a woman crack an egg into a glass using nothing but. Ah, Amsterdam. Good times.
___ It’s your mouth. Or maybe it’s not, hard to say because you didn’t include the rest of your face! Close-ups of your eyes, or your nose, or your lips…no good. And how the fuck am I supposed to kiss you with that hanging out of your mouth?
___ Tramp Stamp. Sure, it’s reassuring that you’re guaranteed to put out within five minutes of meeting. But really? Is this the first impression you want to give? Perhaps you’re better off looking for Intimate Encounters on Craigslist.
___ Contrast. Brightness. Give it a shot. I use Paint Shop Pro. Doesn’t matter what your graphics software is. Get some. Use it. Otherwise, not only do I think you know really shitty photographers, but I also think you’re trying to hide a goiter on the side of your neck the size of a watermelon.
___ Shades. Windows are the eyes to the soul. I want to see them. Yes, I wear shades pretty much every moment that I’m outside. I’m like a mole man without them. But when I’m posting photos in my profile, particularly the one that people are going to see before they see any of my other photos, shades are off. Try it. You’ll get better results. Unless you have nothing but bloody holes behind your sunglasses. That’s a turn-off, in which case good call on the shades.
___ Tattoo. A slight variation on the tramp stamp profile photo, this is even worse because there’s no guarantee you ride reverse cowgirl. Your tattoo doesn’t show me shit about you, other than the fact that you have no taste. And found a drunk tattoo artist.
___ Fire, Water, Glittery animations. OK, points for having a photo of yourself. But unless you’re 13 and on Myspace, drop all the cutesy animations. Really. The reflecting, rippling water, the hot fire. the glittering vomit. And couldn’t you at least focus the freaking photo?
___ Flash. OK, I’m all about the lighting, but this is fucking ridiculous. Aside from telling me that, yes, you have eyes, I can’t see a damn thing about your face. Get a clue. Would you hit up a guy’s profile if he had a picture like this? Really? THIS is the best photo you could find? And by the way, it’s 2009 now.
___ Two problems in one. Just your eyes, and the glittering thing. Oh, and three…you’re an Avon lady.
___ Babies. OK, wonderful, you’re a mom. I get it. Cute baby, but unlike the winners in NAMBLA, I am not trying to date your baby.
___ Multiples. OK, you’re all cute, but which one is you? Or are you a package deal, because honestly, I can barely handle one woman, let alone five. Not that I’m not willing to give it the old college try, mind you. Still, I reiterate, a nice simple head shot of you and ONLY you is what I’m looking for. Let’s save the orgy for Date #2, shall we?
___ Teeny. Aside from the ridiculous pose, are you fucking serious? 70 by 70 pixels?! I wear glasses, but that’s just insane.
___ Scenery. I don’t get it. Is this a side shot? Because I have to say, that ring around your collar just isn’t doing it for me.
___ Glamour Shots. From the 80’s. Not good. The soft focus, the skyscraper teased hair, and the ol’ thumbs up near the collar, saying Yeah I’m the shit baby. Please. Do yourself a favor. X the Glamour Shots.
___ What. The. Fuck? Are you the Spider Queen from Mars? Or waiting to cast a spell over me? Either way, not interested.
___ Girl’s Best Friend. While this may or may not be true – after all, you have yet to meet me - what the hell is this doing as your dating profile pic? Do you want a guy or not? If I was satisfied with my hand, I wouldn’t be looking at your profile. Not that I AM looking at your profile because I passed it right by.
___ Again with the small. And lack of Photoshop skills to up the brightness. I can’t possibly date anyone that doesn’t know how to properly size photos. Just. Can’t.
___ Chest. OK, you have breasts. That’s a start. But I refuse to get with someone that has no head. Titty fucking only goes so far.
___ Fuzzy. What is this, a sea lion? Are you insane? How does this do me (or you) any good? Take the fucking cheesecloth from over your lens, zoom in, and try again.
Right, that about covers it. You’d be amazed how many of these show up on dating sites. If I wanted to see this shit I’d stay on Myspace. Now, get to snapping those photos and try again. Because I know you want to impress me.
Here, let me show you what a good profile picture looks like.
My Raisins
OK, we’re going to try this again…
Last week, my scheduled guest for SecondHand Radio couldn’t make it because her head was about to detach from her neck. So Sheila gracefully stepped up to the plate at the last minute. I astounded her with my tech savvy…so much so that she fell asleep.
Now Shash assures me she’s up to the task, so she’s my guest tonight at 10pm Eastern. We’ll probably talk about the inauguration a little bit, along with the fun Florida weather, maybe last night’s season premiere of “Lost.” Who knows? As always, the topic train on 2HR is fast and furious.
Showtime: 10pm Eastern
Call-In Number: 724-444-7444, Call ID=23738
Link for the show:
http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/23738
Please join us. The chatroom opens 15 minutes before showtime. Everyone is welcome to call in.
Speaking of Florida weather, I’m officially done with the cold, thanks very much. We dropped down into the 20s last night and this has been going on long enough. Freeze warnings 4 nights in a row.
I know, many of you have that shit all the time where you live. But you’re USED to it. This is the land of t-shirts and shorts, dammit! We’re not prepared for this stuff. I’m wearing some of my only sweats right now and had to dig into the closet for a sweater.
Going outside at night to smoke is rendering my balls the size of raisins. I don’t have my electric ball warmers any more. I sold them when I left Dallas.
Filed under 2HRadio, Local Goings On | Comments (10)
