Nothing Says I Love You Like a Chest X-Ray

So Monday, I got another installment in the Neverending Dental Adventure. Part 3 of 4 in the gum scraping treatments. Believe it or not, I’m going to miss Theresa, my hygienist, when this is finished. She’s nice and apparently she cares about my teeth more than I ever did in my previous 41 years.

I’m being a good boy now, brushing and flossing. Hell, I even started brushing between my teeth with these little bottle brush thingies that go in between your teeth. And did you know they make toothpastes for morning AND night? I’m not making this shit up.

She mentioned Crest Pro Health toothpaste and, let’s face it. I’m doing pretty much whatever she says because she knows what the hell she’s doing. So now I have morning toothpaste and night toothpaste, though for the life of me, I don’t see much of a difference in the ingredients listing.

My entire night time routine is getting out of hand. All this fucking health shit takes a lot of time. First I check my blood sugar, then I give myself my insulin. Then I take my bedtime pills. Then I go into the bathroom and floss. Then I brush my teeth. Then I brush BETWEEN my teeth. Then I rinse with this gum and tooth tonic stuff. Then I’m allowed to go to bed, y’know, 37 hours later.

Anyway, so Monday was also the day I went back to the V.A. in St. Pete (hi, Faiqa’s brother!) for my follow-up chest x-ray. Remember, the last x-ray was inconclusive with a little 8mm “spot” on my left lung…which may have been my nipple getting in the way.

This time they put nipple markers on me, which are basically tiny BB’s on the back of a circular sticker you place on your nipples. I guess that way the x-ray machine can distinguish between your nipple and 8mm spots. And let me tell you, they hurt like a bitch coming off, too. You know, if you’ve got hair on your chest like me. And Italian women.

Shut up, I’m Italian. I had an aunt with a heavier mustache than I could ever grow.

They let me look at the x-rays, which was pretty cool. It’s all computerized nowadays. Instantly shows up on the screen, no developing necessary. Course, I had no idea what I was looking at. The picture was all x-rayey.

“Yep, those are my lungs,” I said. Course, the doctor gets the really GOOD monitor with the ultra-high-res images that can zoom in and look at nipple markers and 8mm spots. I just saw two dark masses and hoped the dark part was normal and not smoking-related.

Now, it’s the waiting game. Again. I’m sure in a few days or so, I’ll get another call from the local clinic receptionist, saying that the doctor wants me to come in to discuss my MRI results. Even though I never had an MRI. And I’ll have to wait another week for her to tell me the results and ask me about my eternity and all that shit.

And I’ll say, “Look, if you’re going to ask me such personal questions, you could at least show me your tits.”

18 Responses to Nothing Says I Love You Like a Chest X-Ray
  1. james
    December 17, 2008 | 1:46 am

    I use Crest Pro Health Night. But I’m a rebel and use it in the daytime, too. Yeah, I’m crazy like that.

    Good luck with the x-rays, man. Hopefully it’s just nippleshadow. Which is kind of like eyeshadow, but not.

    Reply

  2. Secondhand Karl
    December 17, 2008 | 9:15 am

    James – You use the night toothpaste in the day time? You’re walking that razor’s edge, bud.

    Reply

  3. Finn
    December 17, 2008 | 11:17 am

    Teeth are a pain in the ass, but certainly better than the alternative, no?

    On your x-ray, did you see any white areas (spots)? Because a mass or fluid or anything that’s not air will probably show up white (from what I’ve seen).

    Reply

  4. hello haha narf
    December 17, 2008 | 1:28 pm

    i love when docs show me x-rays on the computer and i am all, “yup. that’s an x-ray. you went to school for this crap, what does it show?”

    hope all is well with you!

    Reply

  5. Twinkie
    December 17, 2008 | 2:14 pm

    It’s the LEAST she could do, right? Show you her tits. That and maybe a spongebath.

    Reply

  6. Sheila (Charm School Reject)
    December 17, 2008 | 3:37 pm

    Why didn’t they just save themselves (and you) the time, trouble and money and just do an x-ray with the nipple markers in the first place? Wouldn’t it seem kind of obvious that your nipple could show up?

    I thought you were supposed to floss as part of the post-brushing procedure? Ya know – brush, floss, mouthwash? Meh – who the hell do I think I am? I don’t floss or use mouthwash so why should I think I know this shit? LOL

    Reply

  7. TSM
    December 17, 2008 | 3:59 pm

    I feel so juvenile.

    I just can’t get past the nipple markers.

    :)

    Reply

  8. becky
    December 17, 2008 | 8:29 pm

    Dude, best line ever about showing her tits. I hope she does put out a little for you:) Anyway, I also have 2 toothpastes (the same ones you have) and I like them. My dentist is actually my high school boyfriend’s dad and remarkably, I do listen to him! Good luck on hearing about the x-rays, I’ve got my fingers crossed for good news!

    Reply

  9. SciFi Dad
    December 17, 2008 | 9:46 pm

    Fuck. I hope everything works out and you get to see her tits.

    (Oh and the medical stuff too.)

    Reply

  10. Kris
    December 17, 2008 | 10:04 pm

    Dude, get yourself an insulin pump. I just learned about them (a little) and hear they’re WONDERFUL for people who are on insulin. (I, however, am on Metformin, so wtf do I know?)

    And yeah, tell ‘em, “I showed you my tits, now you show me yours!”

    Reply

  11. Faiqa
    December 18, 2008 | 12:16 pm

    Two different toothpastes… I think it’s a racket. I’m not using two toothpastes. And Karl, you should totally ask her to show you her tits if she pulls that eternity crap again.
    Also, the VA and my brother thank you for your continued support.

    Reply

  12. Secondhand Karl
    December 18, 2008 | 2:59 pm

    @Finn – Definitely better than the alternative. And I didn’t see shit.

    @hello – Thanks. Yeah, should have taken that x-ray correspondence course like I thought about.

    @Twinkie – Right? That’s all I’m saying. A common sense of decency.

    @Sheila – Hell, I don’t know. I never even knew nipple markers existed until a couple of weeks ago. As for the flossing, I suggest you START, missy, lest you wind up like me in 20 years. Trust me, do it now, while you can.

    @TSM – They’re not easy to get past, trust me.

    @Becky – Yeah, I’m listening to my dentist, too. Especially since I’m putting his kids through school.

    @Scifi – I hope so, too. The tits, I mean. :)

    @Kris – I don’t want an insulin pump. I’d rather give myself shots. At least for now.

    @Faiqa – Well, it’ll take me a while to work through two toothpastes, so I’m not worried. And you’re welcome. :)

    Reply

  13. delmer
    December 18, 2008 | 6:17 pm

    Daytime and nighttime toothpaste … what will they think of next?

    Kudos to you for keeping an eye on the spot. A lot of men aren’t smart enough to keep on top of their health issues. My uncle had a spot on his lung many many years ago and didn’t have it looked at again until it was the size of a baseball.

    Reply

  14. Secondhand Karl
    December 18, 2008 | 7:17 pm

    @Delmer – Yeah, seems odd, the toothpaste thing. As for the spot, I think you’d have to be an idiot to ignore such a thing. And the VA is very adamant about getting proper care.

    Reply

  15. Patty
    December 18, 2008 | 8:19 pm

    Glad you got your follow up xray done. I hope the test results come back fine. Funny about the tits comment…..can you imagine her reaction – would be priceless I’m sure.

    Reply

  16. Secondhand Karl
    December 18, 2008 | 8:30 pm

    @Patty – Thanks. I think, given her asking me about where I’m spending eternity, she might be very receptive to showing me her tits. I’d certainly be eternally grateful.

    Reply

  17. martymankins
    December 22, 2008 | 1:27 pm

    I don’t remember the last time I had an X-Ray, but nipple markers…. normally, that’s the kind of stuff you do at home with your lover/partner/spouse.

    Reply

  18. Secondhand Karl
    December 29, 2008 | 11:13 pm

    @martymankins – Heh, yeah, very true. I’m here to tel you, though, they’re not as fun as they sound.

    Reply

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