Choice or Immutable Force?
There’s been a ton of buzz surrounding the “Twilight” saga of late, mostly because of the movie being released. It’s one of those polarizing issues: most people either love it or hate it. I’m kind of in the middle. It’s a poorly written series, even for the intended teen girl demographic. I mean, the Harry Potter series was written for kids, too, but the writing is fantastic. Twilight? Not so much.
But I’m not here to debate the merits of the series. I’m in the middle of the fourth book…I’ve read them all right in a row. And I’m struggling with the last book, but I’m one of those in-for-a-penny-in-for-a-pound kind of guys, so I’ll finish it.
What grabs me is the whole “love is an immutable force” concept. In the book, Bella and Edward love each other more than life itself, and they do nearly from the start. This idea that love is something we can’t control is what has me baffled. Don’t get me wrong, I used to share this idea. After all, our culture is enamored with love, or at least enamored with the idea of being “in love.”
Movies, books, poetry, TV shows…they all point to the notion that we cannot control who we love. We have no choice. Love is this force that just washes over you, takes you over, makes you do crazy things and fall for people, for better or worse. And I’m here to tell you, that’s utter bullshit.
Now, to be clear, I’m talking about romantic love, which is very different from the love we have for family members and friends. But even with family and friends, we have choices. We CHOOSE to love. Or not.
I brought this up on Twitter last night and caused quite a stir. My initial statement was: love is a choice, not a feeling. And I stand by that.
Lots of people believe that we can’t choose who we love and that’s just crap. Of COURSE you can choose who you love. We do it every day. We CHOOSE to love family, no matter how fucked up they may be. We CHOOSE to love our friends, even when they piss us off, hurt us, do us harm.
Sure, sometimes we choose to walk away, even though we love them, but again…there are choices.
What I think most people confuse with love is physical attraction, affection, and chemistry. We’re all attracted to certain types of people, for whatever reasons. Some like blondes, some like brunettes, some like chicks with glasses, some like dudes with long hair and scruffy facial hair. Whatever. We’re all wired differently and build our “types” over a culmination of years and experiences.
But let’s not confuse attraction with love, please. Life is not “Twilight.” It’s more “When Harry Met Sally.”
Love is not something you “fall into” like you might accidentally step into a pile of dog shit on your lawn. Love takes time, it develops. There is no such thing as “love at first sight,” not romantic love, anyway. Sure, you instantly love a puppy when you see it, you instantly love your newborn child. But you don’t walk down the street, see some girl or guy, and instantly fall in love. That’s bullshit.
I’ll tell you what. If I was sitting at a coffeehouse, sipping a latte, and a woman walked up to me and said, “I just saw you and instantly fell in love,” I’d think she was fucking crazy. Love at first sight is a myth perpetuated by the media. It’s not healthy. If you fall in love at first sight, you’re deluding yourself and should immediately seek counseling.
Now, lest you think I’m anti-love, I’m not. I’m totally PRO-love. I love love. I think it’s awesome, I think it’s the reason for our existence. And I’m a romantic guy. I believe in romance and think it’s important.
It’s the idea that we cannot choose who we love that has me worried. It’s like the world is saying we have no control over our lives, over our emotions, and that’s crazy talk. I should know, I’m legally nuts. Saying you have no control over who you love is as ridiculous as saying you have no control over who you hate.
When I say love is a choice, not an emotion, what I’m saying is that the feeling of being “in love,” the giddiness, the butterflies in your stomach, the excitement you feel when your loved one is nearby, that’s not love. Sure, those things can be associated with our love.
Love is the choice we make to commit to a person and stick with them. Love is choosing to be with someone, even though they squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube and put the toilet paper on the roll backwards. Love is continuing to stay with someone who may have hurt you, recognizing we’re all fallible and make mistakes. And love, yes, is walking away when a relationship is no longer healthy for us.
Love is choosing to maintain relationship with someone. It’s choosing to overlook the annoying/bad qualities in a person and see the positive. Love is a verb. It’s not a condition. It’s not an affliction. It’s not this force of nature that washes over us and leaves us helpless.
I’m also not saying that love is something we can instantly switch on or off. If only that were true, life would be much simpler. No, loving someone takes time. Love develops. You can’t just switch it off, even when someone hurts you something fierce. It takes time to build love, it takes time to stop loving. I’m not even sure we ever stop loving someone…or if we do, I think it takes far longer to do that than to START loving.
I mean, I still love my ex-wife and we’ve been divorced for 16 years. She’s the mother of my children, she’s a good person, even if she did break my heart (not that I was blameless, mind you). Part of me will always love her. I love most of the women I’ve had long-term relationships with, even still. Again, it’s not something you switch on and off.
When people say they can’t control who they love, I can relate. But I think saying you don’t control who you love is our way of rationalizing some bad choices. We often choose to love people that aren’t necessarily good for us. Tons of women fall for the “bad boys.” Tons of men fall for women that take us on roller coaster relationships. But I say again…these are CHOICES we make. These relationships are not forces beyond our control.
Somehow, this concept that love is a choice makes me sound like I’m cynical, or that I’m only thinking logically and not with my heart. While the cynical part may be true, it’s not because of my views on love. It’s from decades of reflection, introspection, relationship experience…LIFE experience…that gives me my perspective. Same with you.
Then there’s the argument that if love is a choice, why can’t we simply choose to love someone who is fantastic in every way, who loves us? Because you can’t choose who you’re attracted to and who you’re not. Unrequited love is part of life. Again, saying that love is a choice is NOT saying that love is some magical switch we can throw.
Saying love is a choice is empowering. Realizing that we control, in large part, who we spend time with, who we place our hearts with, that’s a GOOD thing. It’s said that where we place our time we place our hearts, and where we place our hearts we place our love. Again, choices.
This is the part of “Twilight” that is infuriatingly annoying…the perpetuation of the myth that love is this powerful force akin to destiny. While I love romantic stories as much as the next person, love romantic comedies, this is what is known as “magical thinking.” And it can be dangerous.
I’m a lot more comfortable knowing that I have some power over my life than I was years back when I thought chemistry and attraction (and for a while there, even sex) equated with love.
You choose who you love, just as you choose who you hate. And the closest we can come to unconditional love – a subject for another post perhaps – is the love we feel for our children. There is really nothing I can imagine my daughters doing that would make me stop loving them.
But those who say there is unconditional romantic love are fooling themselves. There are always conditions. This isn’t a bad thing, it just is. It’s reality. It’s life. It’s love.
Filed under Relationships | Comments (44)44 Responses to “Choice or Immutable Force?”
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Wow Karl, VERY powerful post with a lot of solid answers in it. I think what gets people though, is the desire for love to be “destiny”. I think a lot of people like to say they can’t help who they love, and in part its true…because attraction, chemistry, and those dancing feelings in your belly all play part in who you love. I mean if you felt NONE of those things, you wouldn’t choose to love someone in the romantic sense, am I right? If you didn’t have the dancing feelings, the fiery passion, the willingness to commit yourself fully to someone, then you would never choose to love that person.
So in a way, you CAN’T help who you END up loving. Some of us get lucky and love really amazing people who would never harm us, while others fall for that bad guy or that bitchy girl that does nothing but dick around. But that’s because all the things you want are there.
I guess people eat up Twilight so much because they WANT to believe that love is an immutable force and that destiny is in the cards. Yes, it can be an immutable force, but that’s after you make the decision.
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This is very interesting, and I’ll be following up on your comments to see which way the arguments fly. I think I’m somewhere in the middle on this.
I knew that something was going to happen at the very moment that I first saw my husband…it was electrifying for me. He doesn’t even remember meeting me, so obviously the feeling doesn’t have to roll both ways. Was it “love at first sight”? Probably not. We did work at a relationship. We were friends before lovers, and that friendship didn’t even develop until 6 months after we first met, but I will always remember the thrill of that first moment we were introduced. It was truly magic!
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I am going to say… I don’t agree.
But I do kinda agree.
I don’t want to get into it too much on the internets but…
Anyways. Hmph. Weird to mute myself on the net, I’ve never really done that before!
I don’t believe I can control who I’m IN LOVE with.
We are all entitled to our opinions and different experiences/environments might prove to create totally polar thoughts on this.
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Brilliant post!
I will only call bullshit on you calling bullshit on love at first sight.
When Susie first walked into my life – literally, she walked in the room I was in – I leaned over and told my friend: “I’m going to marry that girl”. Two months later she became LovelyGirlfriend, 4 years later LovelyWife and we just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary (lace for those who keep track).
Now since I didn’t win the lotto every single week for the past 17 years (well I guess in a way I did!), I will safely assume that I can’t really see the future and say that love at first sight is possible.
I also experienced lust at first sight, but that’s another story.
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I completely agree with you. There is no such thing as unconditional love just as there is no such thing as a relationship without compromize. And that’s perfectly ok, as long as neither of the 2 partners lose their identity or beliefs in there.
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I said this on Twitter last night and I will say it again here….
There are people who are logical and there are those who are emotional. “Thinkers” versus “feelers” and all that jazz. I am an emotionally driven feeler, therefore there is no way in hell that you or anyone else could ever convince me that love boils down to a choice.
I know the difference between passion versus love, romantic notions versus love, swoony goodness versus love and all that other crap. But love is love…for me, it IS a feeling and definitely NOT a choice.
I choose what to do about loving someone, sure. But I do NOT choose whether or not to love them. If I had that capability, I’d have saved myself a lot of heartache over the years.
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Oh geez, and what I meant to say is that I don’t think anyone will ever be able to convince the emotional feelers that love is a choice. Just like, no one will ever be able to convince more logical thinkers that love is NOT.
It’s about who you are inside….that leads you to how you view love.
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Of course it’s “magical thinking” the author is unapologetically Mormon–and that’s fine, no slam from me–but I’m sure their doctrines and beliefs absolutely color this series. 1) no premarital sex, saving oneself for one’s soulmate (and that’s human2human, much less human2undead) because 2) the person you marry is bound to you for eternity, on this world and the next. That’s not “Twilight” fantasy, that’s core LDS teaching, period.
If a teenage girl can’t sexually express “undying love” without being a sinner (even if she’s an adult) what’s left for her to do but fantasize, dream, pretend, make-believe, etc. One’s “soulmate” HAS TO BE THE ONE forever, like an “immutable force” because it self-reinforces an existing belief system. That’s fine when you’re 12, but when you’re 21 it starts to get a bit juvenile IMO.
Any comparisons to JKRowling fall apart before they get off the ground for this reason. There is no religious/magical context to JKR apart from what’s in the book. Meyer’s story comes from a magically-minded existence extended even further.
Again, I respect Mormons and the LDS church; in fact, I personally feel they get a bad rap and are misunderstood. I think the only reason the Meyer-LDS connection isn’t talked about much is that it “Twilight” is age-appropriate. Trust me, if Meyer wrote an episode for “True Blood,” we’d all be waiting for something that’s not going to happen.
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Considering I absolutely despiSe someone that the rest of the world absolutely loves to tiny little pieces, I’m going to disagree. I’ve tried to change my thinking about that person, tried forcing myself to be friendly about that person, but nothing I do on my side changes my feelings for that person.
And, trust me, nothing I ever did would stop me from loving who I love right now even if he walked out the door and never came back.
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[...] Speaking of which, Karl wrote an ass-kicking entry about love and relationships and shit on his blog. Go click on the link – you know you want [...]
Great post Karl. I’m in total agreement that as a culture we’re in love with the feelings of being in love. The emotional and chemical aspect definitely plays a role in who we love, but there is also the logical aspect.
Emotionally and chemically I have been in love with everyone from Marcia Brady, to Keira Knightley. Logically, that’ll never happen so I choose not to invest myself emotionally into the idea I may have a relationship with them. The investment, or lack of investment, is a choice. The inability to make that choice would mean I would not be where I am now, or who I am with now… and instead would be playing reruns of the Brady Hawaii Vacation episode on the television. I definitely prefer where and especially who I am with now.
Love is more than butterflies, rapid pulses, and blood rushing to an extremity at inopportune moments. Love is more than an involuntary physical reaction, and the truth is that the illusional fantasy that books such as Twilight portray are guilty of providing people with false expectations… the same way advertisers provide society with a body image most people will be unable to achieve in their lifetime.
Twilight is, in its very essence, The Southern Vampire Mysteries (the book series that started in 2001 and inspired the HBO series True Blood), but simplified and written to be appealing to teens since that market is more of a viable one specifically since Harry Potter’s success.
So yeah… in a nutshell… love is a choice we make whether we realize it or not… and the simplified message that Twilight delivers is partly responsible for the illusion of love being destiny and that will lead to a reality heartbreak later on in life.
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I know that love is a feeling. I don’t know that it is ONLY a feeling, but I know that I FEEL love. To BE in love and to STAY in love and to FEEL love are very different things.
So this is how I put it:
Love is a feeling; commitment is a choice.
Without choosing commitment (and thus all the things that come with CHOOSING to commit yourself to love – effort, compromise, patience, faithfulness, respect, trust), love – any kind – cannot last.
I love my ex-boyfriend. I also hate him. But I love him. And I love the memory of him, and I can’t seem to shake it no matter how angry I am. I still look out for him, even though he doesn’t know it. And I don’t need for him to know it, but I still feel compelled to do it. I won’t speak to him right now, even though he keeps trying to see me, talk to me, etc., but I still look out for him, in my own way. Even though he doesn’t know it. I would rather hate him — so that I could walk away from the years of bullshit and just forget he exists – but I don’t seem to be capable of doing that, despite considering myself to be somebody who is very in-control of my emotions.
I can CHOOSE not to speak to him or have him in my life, but so far that hasn’t been able to shake the feelings of love I still have for him (I’m not IN love with him, but I do still love him).
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What Hilly said.
I am a deep thinker in every area of my life except my relationships…especially romantic ones.
I actually asked my mom about this situation, and she agreed with you…took it a step further and said “people often say that they can’t choose who they love because they are too “lazy” or “scared” to decide whether that person is worthy of their love, and used herself as an example.
What do you think about that, Karl? I’d be interested in your response….
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Wow, dude. A great piece of writing. I agree with pretty much everything you said. I’d be surprised if some people didn’t get upset and launch into a tirade about ‘true love’, but still, great article.
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Some really good thoughtful replies on this topic. So from the shallow end of the pool here goes my take on it.
Harummph… it’s hard to put into words.
Love is that really is all I know. It’s one of those “when does life begin” questions. One I know I don’t know the answer to. It’s just one of those things.
The only truly unconditional love I know in my heart is for my son. Really there is NOTHING this child could do to make me stop loving him. (Yes, even whatever it is you’re thinking.)
Between lovers — there is that darned chemistry thing, I can’t quite explain — suppose it doesn’t matter either. It too just is. Here is what I know that almost 17 years in, it takes concession and a willingness to accept the other for what they are. That is the challenge. There will be highs and there will be lows. But, it is the choice to stay or to go. That is the choice. The relationship grows and changes as the people in it do. And as they change so does the relationship.
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Sorry honey, not with you on this one.
Love is a feeling. It’s not intellect. Can you say that every time you’ve been angry or sad or scared it’s been your choice? No. We can’t logic our feelings that way.
What we can control, what we can choose, is our behaviour. You choose to stay with someone who treats you badly, you choose to badmouth someone you hate. But that’s not controlling your feelings, that’s being an adult and controlling your behaviour. Completely different.
Interesting topic though…
xo
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What a great post, Karl.
I will reiterate here what I said last night on Twitter, which is that I believe love is much more complicated that simply being a feeling versus a choice.
I think that it must be a combination of the two.
I can count on one hand the number of guys I have truly fallen in love with in my life. If I could choose who I have fallen in love with, that means I could also have chosen to fall out of love with them as well. I can tell you that I have the scars on my heart to prove that just isn’t true.
Even with the hell I went through with my Ex, there is a part of me that still loves and cares for him, and always will…not only because he is the father of my child, but because we shared a part of our lives with each other that is unique to only us.
Yes, that love is now a platonic kind of love, but it is a caring love nonetheless.
Yet at the same time, love also entails the commitment and choice that you speak of. There are times in a relationship when you go through rough patches and life isn’t all rainbows & unicorns…those are the times when love is a choice. Those are the times when you fall back on the commitment you made not to walk away for greener pastures.
So for me, I fall in love with reckless abandon, and yes, I also choose to love that person even when they are sometimes not at their most lovable.
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I think you can choose who you let into your life and who you initially choose to share your affections but I think there comes a point where your feelings override your ability to choose. You just love who you love. If your feelings are strong enough, I don’t think you can turn them off just because you make a purely cerebral choice that you should. You know, it’s the whole head vs. heart thing. Just my 2¢, of course.
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I’d say you’re halfway there. Love is an emotion. Just like any other emotion, one has a choice of how to act upon the emotion.
And now that I scroll up to look at the other comments, I see that Princess of the Universe has already stated my thoughts.
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Great post, even though you’re completely off the mark here.
I believe in unconditional love. I believe in love at first sight, and I believe that you can choose to love, as well. Why would you limit it to only one type? I’ve experienced all three.
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from last night’s comments at britt’s and our twitter conversation, well you already know that we don’t agree on this one! to me being in love is something that happens, yes kinda like stepping in dog shit. i have felt the power of love at first site. took years for me to make the choice to not stay with him, but i still honestly and truly love him to this day. the love was and is there, the choice came in my commitment to an unhealthy relationship.
but the more and more i think about it, i think we are both right. you might talk to someone and think they are a great friend that you are going to decide you want to love and live happily ever after. for me? would never work that way. i can honestly say that love is such a wild and wonderful emotion and act that there is room enough for the way you experience it, the way i experience it and the way many others do.
hell, look at mike and hislovelywife, married and happy all these years later! just because you and i never had it happen doesn’t negate the fact that it can.
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I don’t think you can choose who you’re physically attracted to. You can’t CHOOSE chemistry.
You can, however, choose if you want to have a romantic, long term relationship with someone you do or don’t have physical chemistry with.
For many of us who desire to have passion in our lives – that’s barely a choice. And it certainly eliminates a lot of potential mates.
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Oh.
And.
I think you absolutely choose hate.
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What the flip.
That’s so double-standard.
If you don’t choose who you love then you don’t choose who you hate.
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I don’t think so. I think “love” or being “in love” is a much more complicated emotion than hate.
It’s a combination of physical chemistry (which you don’t choose) and a lot of other things you do choose.
Hate isn’t nearly as complicated. You might not like everyone, but to reach the intensity of hate requires choices – whether we’re aware of making them or not.
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In my reality those two emotions are equal in intensity, I am very passionate about who I love and who I hate.
Hate is very complicated.
I don’t mean blanketed bigotry, I mean concentrated hatred of an individual. Perhaps you don’t hate anyone, and never have.
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Oh, I’ve hated people.
I hate my brother’s dad. I could let it go – but I choose not to. His actions over time give me enough reason to hold on to that.
I have also chosen to STOP hating people who had given me very good reasons to hate them, but I decided that carrying that around with me was doing more harm to ME than it was worth.
But it is rare for me to hate someone. I tend to be a pretty optimistic person for the most part and it usually takes a lot of choices made by the other person for me to get to a point where the question of “hate” would even be an issue.
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I see now why you and I will never agree on this: We define love differently. The way you defined “love” up there? That, to me, is “commitment” – which is most definitely a conscious choice. There’s a difference between love and commitment, and you can have either one without the other (although having both is preferable). Love is a feeling, an emotion, like joy or grief – except much more inexplicable. Commitment is the decisions you make and the actions you take in order to nurture that love.
I truly wish I *could* choose to no longer love someone. It would be wonderful to lay that heartache to rest.
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I believe in love at first site. I’ve experienced it. The first time I met my husband, I knew that that was it. However, instead of choosing to love him, I chose to try and avoid it. One of our first conversations revolved around the fact that I never wanted to get married, etc. etc. etc. But, as we got to know each other more, I couldn’t avoid it anymore and I gave up on trying to pretend. That’s when I began my full fledged campaign to have him. And yes, I did have competition.
Because I loved him so much, I never let go, even though there were plenty of times that I probably should have. I CHOSE to make it work. Almost six years later and I am so glad that I chose to let that love be everything it could be.
And, last night I noticed that you mentioned that people can’t know what “love” really is at eighteen years old. I call Bullshit on that one. We’ve been together since he was almost seventeen and I had just turned eighteen. My parents have been together for thirty-nine years. They started dating when my mom was sixteen and got married one week after she turned eighteen.
But, like Hilly said, some people are thinkers and some people are feelers.
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Now I see that folks have mentioned hate as well. I almost went there before. I see the two as opposite sides of the same coin. To truly hate someone means that in different circumstances you could love them, in my mind. Anything short of this, in the negative, is merely dislike.
And if love is a choice, then why has it been throughout history that people have been alienated from their friends, family, society because of their proclamation of whom they love? The idea of love being a choice to me says that one would then make the choice that is acceptable to family and society. I refuse to believe that thousands millions of people would subject themselves to that kind of pain otherwise.
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I mostly agree with you. I think there is a little bit of chemistry involved but I think a lot of it is a choice. I do agree that in the Twilight books they totally romanticized it. The whole 3rd book I wanted Bella to choose Jacob. I couldn’t understand how she could give up her life, her want to have children, her ablility to see the rest of her family, when she had a perfectly good option in Jacob.
But I do believe that most of love is a choice. There has to be some chemistry to it, but to stay with someone is a choice. I think someone said it well when they said love is feeling, commitement is choice.
Great post and great discussion.
Jenn
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What a wonderful post! And the comments, Holy Moly! I loved the comments everyone has left.
While I don’t agree with 90% of what you said in your post, I understand where you are coming from.
I very must agree with what Hilly said over on Britt’s post: “love is feeling, commitement is choice.”
I don’t think I can choose to love who I want nor can someone choose to love me, I think love “just is.” However, sticking around and making it work through good times and bad is what is at the heart of loving someone.
I choose to wake up and say, “Today I’m gonna love this son-of-bitch no matter what he does today to piss me off!” (Yes, I am speaking of my hubby on days he royally pisses me off which thankfully is not often).
I really enjoyed this post and can’t wait to blog about it myself!
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Hmmm… I know I can’t necessarily choose who I love, but I definitely shoose whether or not to have any sort of relationship with them. I have loved some true assholes over the years, and chose to not be with them anymore. That doesn’t mean my emotions just shut off along with my decision, though. I still loved them, I just chose not to deal with their shit anymore. I chose to love myself.
I get what you’re saying completely, but that’s my stance on it.
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Shoose… hahahahaha.
Damn sometimes typos are funny.
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While I started off agreeing with you completely, the more I thought about it the more I started to change my mind just a bit – but not completely.
I guess at the heart of this debate would be whether or not you think all of the decisions we make are done consciously. I absolutely feel that we can be affected by our unconscious in ways that affect our judgment and actions. I think the same goes for hate. We may not completely understand why we hate someone. It may have something to do with a previous experience that our mind is linking the current one to.
I do agree that the initial decision to begin loving someone is a conscious one though. We decide to let ourselves begin that journey. After that we can let it get out of our control.
I think those feelings of love at first sight, butterflies, and magic are all feelings that some might associate with love, but only because they experience them in the same context with the decision to begin a relationship. I would not define love using any of those feelings. The more these feelings become associated with love, the more people think they are part of the definition. I can absolutely say that I have thought I found “the one” based on such feelings and later found out that I was wrong.
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the problem with Twilight is that it’s meant to be a TEEN movie. And teens are driven by lust and passion not love and commitment.
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This anthropologist is studying love and is fascinating. So here I am plugging her TED <a href=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-ewvCNguug” video again.
You will enjoy it.
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Hey Karl,
I totally agree with you on the idea of “choice” and I agree with it now more than ever as I’m reaching the fabulous 30s and I’m realizing how my “choices” have influenced my life. Now more than ever I am a believer that we do have a choice on how we live life, who and how we love, and how others treat us. Great post! I wish I knew this great idea when I was younger, I would’ve saved a few under eye circle mornings lol
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@Sarcastica Well said. I think we all WANT to believe in that powerful force of love. Indeed, it can be a powerful force, but it’s not some magical hurricane.
@Tracy Right. We’ve all experienced those moments where we feel “lightning” upon seeing someone for the first time. Chemistry is very real. Attraction is amazing. Crushes are fun, too, and all of that can develop into love.
@Justin That’s cool. We definitely disagree. I think we can totally control who we fall in love with.
@LeSombre I’d argue that that wasn’t love at first sight. It was more holy-shit-she’s-amazing at first sight. I’ve had that, too.
@DutchBitch Prexactly.
@Hilly I’m a feeler, too. But I’m also a thinker. I don’t think they’re mutually exclusive. I’m saying that it’s our actions, our choices, what we DO with our feelings that make love. Just saying you love somebody in and of itself doesn’t mean shit. How do you SHOW it?
@Enrico Agreed. It takes a long, long time for anything to actually HAPPEN in “Twilight.” The more I think about it, the more I think the series is much ado about nothing. Yet I’m in the middle of the final book. I guess I kept hoping for better.
@Poppy There are plenty of people I don’t like…some I even despise. Again, I’m not saying that love/hate is some magical switch we can flip on and off at will. I wish that were the case.
@NYC Watchdog I think I love you. And that’s my choice.
@Jessica Very well put. I guess I should say that I know it’s possible to FEEL love. It’s more about the choices we make that, well, makes love LOVE.
@Robin I think your mom is a very wise woman. I do think it’s a copout to say we have no control over who we love. I’ve made a ton of bad choices in the relationship department, falling for people entirely wrong for me. But I learned something from all those unhealthy relationships. I can do better. I can take responsibility for choosing who I allow to be close to me emotionally, be accountable to myself.
@Patrick D. – thanks. I knew it would spark some debate after my short Twittering experience on the subject.
@Nat Yeah, all relationships evolve. Those that stagnate are really doomed to fail.
@Princess of the Universe – Of course you can’t just manipulate your emotions. But as you said, you do choose what you DO about those emotions.
@Ginger – I love hard, too. But I also think logically about who I place my heart with. Sure, there are parts that aren’t logical. Feelings are never logical. But in the end, it’s my choice to be with someone, and it’s my choice to love them.
@Izzy – Yeah, that makes sense.
@Kailyn – Perhaps it is a mixture. I may be oversimplifying things. I’m not saying it’s a black/white thing, but I maintain that it’s our ACTIONS that prove love, not a mental or emotional state.
@Avitable – I don’t think I’m off the mark at all. I’ve certainly experienced love at first sight, but I was young and immature and ignorant. The only REAL love at first sight I believe in now is when you see your newborn baby for the first time. As for the unconditional love, again, I think that’s limited to your children. There are always conditions. Perhaps some of them are far-fetched, but to say that you’ll love someone no matter what is, to me, fooling yourself. If someone takes me for granted, steps on me, cheats on me, hurts me again and again, I’m walking away. I may still love them, but I won’t choose to be with them any more. And eventually that love will fade.
@Hello – So if some guy walked up to you and said “I love you” out of the blue, you’d think that was valid? Insane. I know we all SAY we’ve experienced love at first sight, but I think we’ve all been mistaken. Sure, I’ve felt instant attraction for someone. But LOVE? No way.
@Miss Britt – I’m not saying that attraction is a choice. That’s mental, emotional, and physiological. But attraction isn’t love.
@Poppy – I’m with you. Hate and love are both very intense for me. It takes a lot for me to love someone, and it takes a lot for me to hate them.
@SJ – I can see what you’re saying. Makes sense. I suppose my point, when I say love is a choice, is that we have more control over our lives than what we think. To allow your life to be completely ruled by your emotions is crazy. And that’s what many books and movies would have us believe…that we have no choice when love “hits” us.
@Sheila I never said you can’t know what love is at 18. I merely said that many of us THINK we know love at 18 but are in reality experiencing attraction and/or lust. My views on love are incredibly different now, at 42, than they were when I was 18.
@Kailyn – It’s simple. Many people CHOOSE love over their families and cultures, etc. If I met someone and loved them, I’d certainly forego a lot of things in order to keep the love. Love is powerful. It’s worth sacrifice. Not ALL sacrifices, mind you, but yeah…I’d do a lot for love.
@Jenn – Sure, there’s chemistry involved. Hopefully. I sure wouldn’t choose to love anyone I had zero chemistry with.
@Janelle – Precisely. It’s that choice, it’s that commitment, that is truly love.
@Sybil Law – Yeah, that makes perfect sense.
@Noraisins – I think we’re more in sync than you think.
@Twinkie – Oh, there are many more problems with that movie than that!
@PocketCT – Thanks, I’ll take a look!
@Nery – Thanks. Great to finally “meet up” again after all this time. I never visit Myspace any more.
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You know, I have to agree with what Jessica said about love vs commitment.
Damn you, Karl, for making me think on the weekend. But THIS was an excellent post.
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My feelings on love have changed over the years. When I was much younger I was completely sold on the soulmates concept. Then one day I thought about who most people spend their lives with and decided that either Fate is awfully nice to (more often than not) drop your destined life partner within 50 miles of you or the idea of soulmates is bullshit.
I don’t know whether I’d consider love a feeling or a choice. I know that I can experience chemistry (non-physical) with a man whether I want to or not. Whether I actually pursue a relationship with him is my choice.
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@Anissa – Thanks! And sorry for the thinking.
@Stacey – Yeah, I used to buy into the soulmates thing, too, but moved away from that idea using the same logic you did. How is it that so many so-called soulmates happen to be in near proximity to their “other halves?”
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I believe that love is a choice, one we make every day. I also believe that DNA does not make us family, it makes us related, but not family. Family transcends DNA. I believe that just because we share similar DNA does not guarantee I will love you or you will love me. I am not sure I believe in unconditional love, unless it’s for your children. Everyone has a line drawn in the sand and if someone they loved crossed that line, they would find they choose not to love that person. I think that some people like to use the term unconditional love but it’s much closer to a commitment. A commitment to stick it out through thick and thin.
Like Clint Black once sang, Love is not some place that we fall, it’s something that we do
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@Ms Batman – well said.
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