Fisheye
I don’t feel like I’ve taken a breath since last weekend. Not a good breath, anyway. Years ago, when I first started seeing a psychiatrist, he noticed this about me. Knowing a little bit about my background – he was partners with my therapist – he said that people with PTSD are often afflicted with this “lack of breathing.” It’s called Trauma Breathing. I didn’t get it then and even though I’m more than familiar with the phenomenon now, I still don’t understand the whys and wherefores of it.
But I still do it. Often. Kind of only breathe halfway. Hold my breath a lot. Like I need to remain perfectly silent, perfectly still, just to make it through to the next moment. It’s like I’m in some psychic foxhole, trying not to be seen by the enemy. If I make a noise or any sudden movements, it’s The End.
Crazy, right? Well, you’ll find that it’s true of many trauma victims, whether they have PTSD because of war or PTSD because of being raped, etc. Seriously, they are the very same things, psychologically. Trauma is trauma. Do a brain scan of a rape victim and one of a military person straight out of combat…identical.
I don’t know why I still do this trauma breathing. I’m perfectly safe, I think. But there’s clearly a large part of my brain that thinks otherwise. I’m sure this last week hasn’t helped any. It’s an incredibly painful thing, losing a friend and I know that some of you have experienced similar things recently.
The fact that I’m pretty much socially isolated – offline, anyway – makes things even worse. I can count on one finger the number of friends I have in this town. Well, there are others, to be fair. But they’re more like family friends. I care about them, but have never opened up to any of them in the way I need to open up sometimes. Actually, I rarely open up with anyone the way I need to. You’d think I would know better. Hell, I could probably take the state therapist’s licensing test and pass it.
But there are very few people I feel I can open up to. Again with the trauma breathing, just on another level. I need to do something about this. I need to find…people. People I can turn to, people I can hang out with – not just online, but off. But there’s little to do here but go to bars. Or the bookstore. Or coffeeshop. And most of the time I go to those places I tend to isolate. I’m surrounded by people, but scarcely interactive.
It’s that fucking social phobia of mine. I hate it. Kills me.
I go to the very rare occasions like Avitable’s party last weekend and do (relatively) fine. It’s because I’m surrounded by a smaller subgroup of people that I already know. And I always leave functions like that feeling socially energized. But when it comes to local living? I have virtually no one.
I’m tired of it. I have a lot of friends, but they all seem to be spread out around the globe.
Ah well. I’ll just keep trying to breathe.
I have no local friends here in Orlando. Zip, zilch, nada. All of my friends are, as you said, spread out across the world. It makes it hard. Sometimes I just want to be like everyone else and have a tight social circle that I belong to and it just never seems to happen. I feel you. I really, truly do.
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I definitely think you should eventually move out of where you are. A bigger area would give you the ability to meet more people.
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While I cannot understand the PTSD, I can understand BAD anxiety (although I would imagine it isn’t the same). I also understand feeling like a shut in. Since moving to my new home in March, I have yet to really get out there and make alot of friends. I need to do more of this too.
I know that saying “I hope you feel better” doesn’t really hold water here, and it seems like a brush off comment. But I do hope that each day, you are able to find even a moment of peace. I hope that you find more and more of these moments everyday.
It is my first time reading your blog. I am sure I will be back. Your writing is engaging. Cheers.
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I lost a dear dear friend a few years ago — it was mostly my fault. I’d already decided that she was somewhat toxic and was giving myself a lot fo space from her, but then I did something rather unforgivable (namely, blogged about it), and she cut me off cold. It hurt. I felt terrible, and I apologized profusely (and also gave her an explanation for why I felt she’d been a crappy friend for a long time). she did not accept my apology, and will not even SPEAK to me, or LOOK at me when we’re in the same place. It’s sad.
At the same time… I don’t really miss her. I really DID believe she was toxic. I didn’t want the situation to turn ito what it has, but that’s nobody’s fault but my own. But I think about her almost every day.
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Okay, so I do not have PTSD, but I COMPLETELY do that breathing thing, to the point sometimes I wake up terrified, wondering if I’ll stop breathing in my sleep! WTF?!!!
And you can call me, but visits are probably out. I mean, the distance and all.
Hang in there – maybe you will meet someone at the new bookstore! You never know….
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I agree with Avitable, if you moved to a bigger town you’d probably have a better chance of meeting new people.
That’s why I want to move away to college because I really don’t have people offline either. They all got married and forgot about me.
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I wish we lived closer, so you could hang out with us. It seems like you and Bret get along pretty well, and you and I have an amazing amount in common. Especially lately, LOL.
Making new friends is tough in any case, but even tougher when you work from home. I sincerely wish you luck with it.
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God, Karl, I’m not sure moving to a bigger city is the answer either. Sometimes that only has a tendency to make you feel even more isolated. I’m from a village of 200, so I understand the challenges involved in making “real life” connections in a small town. I’d suggest getting more involved in community groups (theater, civic, etc.) Perhaps start small by attending functions at your local library (free lecture series, whatnot). It’s making the effort to get out and connect that’s most difficult to overcome at first, but if you stick to small, intimate groups to begin with your confidence will grow.
While I’m not familiar with PTSD, it does sound similar in some respects to panic attacks. You need to get out of the house and distract yourself with a new “real life” activity. Remaining shut-in where you’ve too much time to dwell on things can’t be helping.
Okay, okay, I’ll shut up now.
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I totally understand how you’re feeling. I can count on one hand how many friends I have locally. It’s difficult to get out and meet people. I don’t think I have PTSD but I know I isolate horribly.
Keep your chin up and now that you’ve recognized it, maybe you can work towards a solution instead of staying in the problem
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“I have a lot of friends, but they all seem to be spread out around the globe.”
I feel like that a lot of times, too. Especially with girlfriends. I so, so miss having regular girlfriend time.
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I don’t know you as well as many of the other commenters here, but I’d agree that living in a larger urban center would help with socializing.
As for having friends spread out, I feel the same way.
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That Bitchy Chick – Well, there are tons of great bloggers in your neck of the woods. I didn’t even realize you were IN Orlando!
Avitable – That would be nice. I miss living in a bigger area.
Corina – Wow, thanks for popping in and saying hi. Much appreciated. I have peaceful moments, just not as many as I’d like.
Jessica – Owch, that hurts. I can relate to that a little bit.
Sybil Law – Yeah, the breathing thing. Most of the time I don’t realize I’m even doing it. Weird, right? I’ll be sure to give you a call, thanks.
Sarah – Yeah, going off to college really makes a difference for my girls. They’re in their senior year now. Even being 4 hours from home is a big change.
SJ – Yeah, that’d be cool. Thanks, babe.
Aunt Robin – Hmm, the library. I do love me some books. A village of 200?! ACK! That would make me insane(r).
Sodapop – Thanks, yeah, doing something about it…
Miss Britt – Yeah, I’m sure. Moving down here from “home” had to be really hard. Wish we lived closer than we do.
SciFi Dad – Man, there’s more of us than I thought!
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My question to the “bigger urban centre” suggestion is this? Would it help to meet more people, or would it make you feel more isolated? Social phobias are funny that way..
I know that I am one of the many from around the globe who think you’re fantastic, and would love to meet you…expect some totally stalkerish emails around March, as I have a family trip to Orlando planned for April
xo
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I do understand completely the isolation of living in a small town area. I can also count on one hand the amount of friends I have in driving distance… and she lives 30 minutes away at that. haha.
I can also relate to the breathing thing, although I add biting my lower lip to that and now have little dents under it as a result. Tiny, but there to remind me.
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I totally understand PTSD and found myself doing the breathing thing as I was reading this post because the mere mention of PTSD sets me off. My issues are one big huge clusterf*ck that I am still living (cancer).
All of this leads to huge anxiety attacks too.
It took me a long time to make local friends due to my own trust issues but I’m glad I got over myself.
I hope things get better for you.
XOXOXO
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Trauma Breathing – I didn’t know there was a name for it but I can totally relate though I never knew there was a name for it, nor have I ever actually been seen by a therapist of some sort for a diagnosis.
I can definitely relate on the no friends thing. I was thinking of having a party next week until I realized that I don’t have any real life friends to invite and it is a little short noticed for any of you guys to come.
I’m sorry that you are hurting and that you lost your friend. Feel free to email or text me anytime. I’d love to say “call me” but your show last week is the longest phone conversation I’ve had in years. Anytime you are looking for a change of scenery that involves freezing weather and lots of snow, come to Chicago. I’ll show you a great time!
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Karl, I totally get what you’re saying. It takes time…years, if ever, to retrain ourselves not to trauma breathe. And just when we think we’re safe, something (albeit small to everyone else) comes along to blindside us and we feel that way again, have to retrain ourselves, etc. It’s constant adjustment and a LOT of work.
You know you can always email me if you want to scream. We go through a lot of the same shit. And you never have to go through it alone.
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I keep writing something here and hitting delete because there’s so much I want to say to you. I know how you feel. I have been there. It may not seem like it, but I have. Karl, it was amazing to meet you. I rarely meet anyone and dislike them, but, at the same time, I rarely meet anyone and just *adore* them. I still haven’t figured out the reason I instantly liked you (the sexy outfit, maybe?). I hope as our friendship develops, that this reason comes to the surface. And, this might be an unpopular sentiment, but I think physical proximity and “real” world friends are highly overrated. The heart of a meaningful friendship occurs on an altogether non-physical plane, anyway. If you’ve connected emotionally with some of your online friends, if they are people you can trust with your emotions, and who give something back to your relationship, then you have a lot more than some people will EVER have. Annnd I’m sorry for the mini-post.
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Friends. Some times I think it’s a contrived idea.Something like having a fancy car..or a big house. The more you have, the higher up the food chain you appear to be.
Just give me a few people, near or far, that get me..That would take a break from their lives and listen if I needed it..and that is just fine for me.
Sounds like you are mourning something lost. That’s human. And brave. I wish you comfort.
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I don’t know what I can say that hasn’t already been said except this:
You are a lovely man, Karl. If you were able to put yourself out there you would have more friends than you could handle.
But I also think many of us suffer from the same problem even without the issues. Life is busy and hectic and there just doesn’t seem to be time to develop friendships. I have the damnedest time meeting new people offline that I can click with. Online, no problem.
I think the important thing is that you have people you can open up to somewhere. It’s better to be able to touch, see and hear them (more satisfying), but I don’t think the friendship is necessarily deeper because of it.
xo
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Princess – I look forward to it. I have experience living in a larger city and the truth is it helps. There are more options available. More social settings. Sure, there are times I want to stay in my shell, but I have many friends in Dallas. Maybe I need to start going to church again.
Sue – I do that, too.
Lisa – Thanks, babe. Yeah, time to expand my horizons.
Sheila – Ha, that WAS a long call.
Kris – Thanks. I know there are more people like us than I realize.
Faiqa – You know, I instantly liked you, too. So many people knew you before but I’d never even heard of you until the party. I look forward to building friendship with you, too. And yeah, most of my friends are developed online. I don’t distinguish between “real” friends and “online” friends any more. But still, it’s nice to have people to hang with locally. And you’re welcome to “post” here any time.
Wendy – Hiya! Yeah, I am in mourning, that’s true. And I would love to have a select few friends here locally. I don’t. I still have friends online and that’s great…but I can’t drop everything and go visit them whenever I want.
Finn – I should go out to Ft. Lauderdale and pay you a visit. You’re certainly one of the coolest people I know.
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Karl~~i hate the words “I know what you are feeling” because no one but me knows what i am feeling, but I KNOW where you are coming from
as one who is looking 51 in the eyes and sometimes “forgets to breathe” until “she” passes out~~something i learned as a small child; get me all stressed out and parnoid from my PTSD, anxious from whatever life is dealing me, and yes, i will hold my breath until i pass out! Scares the fuck out of people~~do i “do i on purpose?” it calms the situation i’m dealing with a little, sucks though, especially if this is done in front of very many people, or if the person who i’m “having a fread fit” in front of hasn’t seen me this upset
i’ve lived in “big urban” centers as well as small ass tiny towns, it doesn’t make a difference to me
but
darlin, whatever gets you through the night!!
take care
there are more of “us” out there, “we” are just brave enough to admit it!
hugs and kisses
can you tell i recently spent 9 days in a lock down unit? forced therapy does work, still suffering from side effects of all the freaking drugs they shot me up with!!
talking with a college friend yesterday~~ we laughed about how much we would have enjoyed the drugs we have to take 30 years ago~~hmmmm maybe this is just one of those acid flashbacks “they” warned us about
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Charlene – a lockdown unit? Yikes! Surprised I haven’t been in one of those before. Hope you’re doing okay now, aside from the residual side effects.
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Trauma breathing is somethng I totally do. I didn’t know there was a name for it and I certainly did not know anyone else did it!
I don’t know what to say about the real life friend thing. If you lived near me, I’m sure we’d be real life friends. I mean I consider you a friend already, just one I haven’t met yet. So in that sense we are real life friends already I guess, but I wish you had “your people” close in location to you!
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I have a couple of friends I’m kinda fed up and done with.
If it will help I’ll ship ‘em to yah! LOL
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Tori – We would *definitely* be friends.
Love to hang with you in person. You rock.
Twinkie – Thanks, but no thanks. I don’t need flaky people. I have enough of those in my life. Send me the ones you actually like.
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