How I Slept With Three Gorgeous Women But Got No Sex
So Friday night I went to Tampa for a “girls’ night out.” I’ve been an honorary girl for a while now, between my three visits to BlogHer and my dressing up as a woman on several occasions, this is a privilege I’ve earned. I missed last month’s girls’ night due to the dentist shanghaiing all my money, but this time I was prepared.
I plugged the hotel coordinates into my trusty GPS and set off on a 2-hour drive to the land of Ybor. Ybor City is a small section of Tampa, kind of like a strip of bars, clubs, and restaurants. Hadn’t been there before, but I knew with friends like Izzy, Shash, and Anissa I couldn’t go wrong.
Karl and His Harem
Look at those lovely ladies.
First I met up with Anissa and Shash at a local bar and grille. Enjoyed some onion rings and a beer, then went to Urban Outfitters, where I bought myself a cool chapeau.
Karl looking cool
Then the three of us went back to the hotel to meet up with the gorgeousness known as Izzy. We hung in the room for a little while, oohing and ahhing over Izzy’s camera (which she could intermittently figure out how to work).
See, this button here? I don't know what it does.
Then we had an impromptu fashion show. Actually, what I said was, “OK, let’s get those three gorgeous asses together.” And whaddya know? They took me literally. I really meant I just wanted to take a picture of the three of them, but hey, I don’t turn down prime ass photos.
MILF AssCon
So the four of us went to dinner and had a lovely meal at some bar and grille. Then we went to go see “Twilight.”
I was pretty excited to see the movie, since I’m currently in the middle of the fourth book and have enjoyed the series. Anissa did a great job reviewing the movie on her blog, but let me just say this.
Twilight sucks rocks. I’ve heard all of these good reviews and all those people are full of shit. It’s not a good movie. At all. Seriously, if I’d seen the movie first and hadn’t yet read the books, I wouldn’t even bother reading the series. It’s that bad.
The acting is laughable. The makeup is pitiful. And – SPOILER ALERT -
One part I was really waiting for was to see Edward in the sunshine because, in the books, vampires sparkle like diamonds in the sunlight. That’s where the myth came from that vampires can only exist in the darkness.
Well, let me tell you…the special effects they used for the “sparkling” – if you can call them special effects – look like nothing more than Edward sweating his ass off. The glistening looked like little more than sparkle makeup that a 13-year-old girl might wear. Again, laughable.
And the chemistry between Bella and Edward? Non-existent. You expect them to speed things along in a movie, as opposed to a 500-page book, but it’s like they were in love 10 minutes after meeting. You sensed none of the confusion or angst, there’s absolutely no character development, and even when they ARE in love, you don’t feel it.
Edward isn’t the slightest bit cool or charismatic like you’d expect him to be. He’s not even all that good-looking…I mean, when you go by the book, he’s supposed to be the most gorgeous man on the planet. This guy just looks like some enormous Emo asshole. He’s always sulking. He has none of the humor Edward is supposed to have.
Blecch. The movie just rots. Nobody, save Bella, looks like how I imagined them to be in the book. The hair dye in some of the Cullen family is a joke. Bella’s dad was pretty good, and there are some cool scenes, such as the baseball scene. But overall? A pitifully bad film. And all four of us agree on that.
I have no idea how Anissa worked herself up to see this piece of shit a second time. Even with the full bar in the theater, it blew chunks. I wouldn’t have chosen to suffer with anyone else, though, so making fun of the movie together (during and afterwards) was enjoyable. Maybe if I’d been stoned it would have been an amazing flick.
If you haven’t yet seen Twilight – whether or not you’ve read the books – do NOT bother. Honestly. It’s not even good enough to be labeled melodrama.
After the movie, we all walked and bitched our way back to the hotel room to change for our drunken night of fun. The ladies all looked smokin’ and I – who can no longer fit in any of my jeans – wore a pair of Dockers and a long-sleeved shirt. It’s been chilly in Florida lately.
Shash, Anissa, and Karl
Then we meandered down 7th Street, hitting a few bars, including Coyote Ugly, where the girls dance on the bar. A couple of them were pretty hot, but most of the patrons who got up there weren’t really dancing very much. They were kind of just standing there, twisting their hips.
We hit a few bars, one of which had karaoke. I amazed the girls with my mad singing skillz – *cough* – and sang a few songs, one of them with Anissa…”Paradise By the Dashboard Lights.”
Karaoke Karl
The girls got a few pictures of me singing. Hopefully, no video. We did lots of shots and drinking, then went out for a slice of pizza. Izzy was pouty because she wanted so badly to dance her booty. So after the pizza, where she visually accosted our waiter and asked him to take his shirt off, we went outside. Shari was getting run-down with her sinus troubles, so she and Anissa went back to the room.
I hung around, walking the street with Izzy, looking for a place for her to get her groove on. In the end, it got too chilly and we didn’t feel like paying $10 to go somewhere for barely 30 minutes before it shut down. Went back to the room and goofed around a while.
I decided to take a photo of Anissa. Well, that’s what she thought I was doing. Instead, I was really shooting video.
Yeah, I can be very easily amused.
Believe it or not, Twilight is worse than this. Much.
Product Placement
Had a great time with the girls. We went to bed, got up way too early, three of us went down for coffee and continental breakfast, then it was back upstairs to pack and part ways.
So that’s how I slept with three hot women and got no sex. And I’d do it again in a heartbeat. You can see all the photos on my Flickr.
Filed under Local Goings On, Video | Comments (23)23 Responses to “How I Slept With Three Gorgeous Women But Got No Sex”
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Oh, I have video of your performance, I just have to edit it.
Sorry my sinuses were acting up, but we still had lots of fun! Can’t wait to embark on our next adventure!!!
Shash
xoxo
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OH MAH GAWD! I guess I was drunker than I thought because I was one slurring sloppy hot mess. WOW. And thank YOU for sharing that with the world. I stand by my point that there’s not enough rum in the world to make Twilight good, but we gave it a valiant effort.
lots and lots of smooches!
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Yep, Twilight sucked The writing was horrific, the acting was stiff and the big scene when Bella tells Edward she knows he’s a vamp, WORST DIALOGUE EVER.
And the first scene when you see Dr Cullen, and he’s translucent and his hair is way to blond, just say no to Twilight
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Shash – Ooh, there’s video? That’ll be something to see.
Anissa – You weren’t slurring all that badly. And you’re welcome.
Rachel – Even though much of the dialogue was taken straight from the book, the actors couldn’t pull it off. Just terrible.
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I agree with your take on Twilight, mostly. But I did like it better the second time around.
The “sparkle” scene and the one where Bella first walked into the classroom are ridiculously over-dramatic – almost soap opera-ish. My comment about the sparkle was that it looked like a Tween getting ready for her first dance went crazy on Edward.
I’m glad you had such a great weekend!!
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Damn, dude. After your Thanksgiving prep post I was worried about you. Now? I’ll never believe this “I’m so sad” shit again… you got to hang with Anissa and Izzy?!?
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Great photos (you need to edit the extra http out of the link address to get it to work) and thankfully I turned down seeing Twilight today. Wife was going to take me as she thought I wanted to see it, I had yet to see a good review. I think I’ll read the books instead.
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i liked the movie, although it simply couldn’t compare to my imagination. actually, i plan on seeing the movie again with another group and i was thrilled to learn they are working on a new moon movie already.
glad you had fun, even if the movie wasn’t to your liking.
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Sheila – I can’t believe anyone would want to watch that crap twice.
SciFi Dad – Oh, most of the time I *am* sad. But you can’t be down when you’re hanging with those chicks. Trust me.
Mik – Thanks for letting me know about the link. All fixed. And you should be thankful you didn’t see the flick. Stick to the books.
Hello – Really? You liked it? Wow. I doubt I’ll be watching the second movie. If they can’t do justice to the first book, I can’t see how they’ll make the second one work. Besides, teenie boppers won’t stand for a story with little to no Edward. And how are they going to make Jacob grow a foot and a half?
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First of all, I think the guy who plays Edward Cullen is smokin’hot, so I’m going to see it even though I have a feeling its’ going to suck. I’m reading the second book, and I’m still wavering on the edge of being either slightly amused and totally bored about the book themselves. I was totally looking forward to the vampire in the sunlight thing… ya’ big jerk.
Secondly, KARL!!! I’m totally jealous of the awesome time you had. Loved. The. Hat.
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Faiqa – I’m not saying Robert Pattinson is ugly by any stretch. He’s just not as smoking as Edward is supposed to be. And I TOTALLY mentioned there were spoilers, so there.
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Okay, someone has to say it:
When you say you got no sex, you mean you got no sex from the ladies, right?
I heard the stories Karl…
Nice hat!
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LeSombre – I meant I had NO SEX. I was well behaved.
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[...] then the 34 year old has to beat her into submission only to find out there’s a hot mess of a video posted on the interwebs, people! GAH!! Oh, but if you like to see people behaving stupidly? [...]
did you really ask me how he would grow a foot and a half? didn’t you see harry potter? hagrid???!?!!
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C’mon. There was NO whacking, jacking, and peeing on the floor?
I was disappointed in the sparkling scene, but otherwise I enjoyed Twilight quite a bit. Maybe the hype caught up to you.
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Nice hat!
Oh, so you one upped the threeway with me and Jan? Now you are going to have to go for a big harem of hotelmates to top that one!
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Hello – I dunno. Can’t see it looking very good, especially if they use the same make-up artist they used in the first movie.
Avitable – No WJP. Hype or no hype, the movie didn’t represent the books well at all.
PocketCT – Heh, yeah, you know me…always pushing the envelope.
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See, now someone got a picture of you doing karaoke, but it’s the video that makes it all worthwhile. I’ve got a couple videos that I have a hard time watching cause when I’m watching, I’m sober. But in the video, I was very tanked.
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I am still so mad at myself that I didn’t get the chance to karaoke with you at Adam’s…next year we will:) I don’t think I have any desire to see the movie at all. If anything, I’ll rent it when it comes out. I’m so glad that you got the chance to go out with your friends and be social!! I hope you get that chance more often. And you totally rock that hat!
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oh noes re: Twilight. but will my tween daughter like it? i’m supposed to take her this weekend.
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I agree 100% with your assessment of Twilight, and it has nothing to do with hype or bucking the trend. The acting was so amateurish, I found it painful to watch. There was no time to get to know the characters, so we could care about them or even understand their actions. Had I not read some of the book, I would’ve been utterly bewildered by Bella and Edward’s instant love, because there was no chemistry and neither character was appealing. I also felt that damn bluish tone to almost the entire film was completely unnecessary, and quite irritating.
But as I mentioned before, I went with 8 other people, all of whom liked it – and took offense that I did not.
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Marty – those are the best videos of all!
Becky – Thanks! Next time we’ll definitely karaoke.
Crys – Teenyboppers will probably salivate over it. I know my 13-year-old niece did. Course, when I was a teenager, I thought “Knight Rider” was a brilliant show. There’s no accounting for teen taste.
SJ – It’s a ridiculously bad film. I know it killed at the box office, but I cannot believe they’re going to make the second film. This is one guy that won’t be seeing it. Well, unless someone pays my way. And gets me stoned beforehand.
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