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When Karl asked me to guest post I thought yes! I will take your audience and make them mine! meh, what the hell. I’ve got time.
And now guest posting day is upon us and I’m thinking what is the easiest fucking way for me to get out of this I don’t have time for this shit.
So, instead of providing Karl with high quality, original content, I am copping out. And what is a bigger cop out than having other people blog for you? Reposting content from a now defunct blog that is roughly 2 1/2 years old by now.
Lucky, I am not only the classiest blogger on the Internet, I am also timeless.
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When I drink, I get funny. And irreverent. And horny. Apparently, this combination is not as sexylicious as one would think. But it does usually get the job done. It’s a rule in my house: Britt gets buzzed, Hubby gets laid.
(Warning, about to share way too much information!)
One night I came home in prime form (aka drunk as a skunk). I strip down and lay myself out on the bed like a Thanksgiving Turkey.
“Go ahead.”
“Excuse me?” my husband had apparently drank too much himself that night, because he was a little slow on the uptake.
“Go ahead. Have sex with me.”
“What? Are you kidding me?”
“No. I’m pretty drunk. And I don’t think I’ll be doing much of the work. But I don’t mind at all if you want to have sex with me. Go ahead. Feel free. And freely.”
Sometimes my husband has no sense of humor. He was not nearly as amused as I was by the situation. In fact, he made quite a show of being insulted. I think he should have had more to drink. He told me that this behavior was not exactly a turn on and muttered something about not being a light switch, blah blah blah.
So anyway, he does his thing.
And after much giggling by me and a few “Britt, shut UP!s” from him, he rolls over and settles in to sleep.
“Honey?”
“Yes Britt”
“Could you do me a favor?”
“Sure”
“Could you go downstairs and get me the Puke Bowl?”
“You have GOT to be fucking kidding me”
“No. Honey, really, it’s fine. I’m not mad. Don’t look at me like that. It’s just, well, I think all that moving me around and stuff.. I think I might have to throw up now.”
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Thank God I have evolved into a much classier blogger after all these years!
Nothing related. Huh, go figure. Filed under Guest Post |20 Responses to “Why They Call Me The Turkey”
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The turkey reference brings up quite a visual every time I hear this story.
Then I think of my mother preparing the turkey and shoving her fist into the cavity to get out the giblets and neck.
/shudder
There’s no greater turn-on than to make love to your wife so hard that she has to puke afterward.
Hahahahaha
Been there!
(And Adam made me shudder, too. ACK!)
Yeah, I kinda had the same visual as Adam, but of my own latex glove covered hand. (What? You thought I would stick a naked hand in there? No freaking way!)
Ok…first? I have never been drunk enough to puke. I have FELT like it for 12 hours straight the next morning, but never puked while drunk.
Second? A bowl? I did that for my kids when they couldn’t make it. But I can’t imagine throwing up anywhere other than the toilet. The clean (after all, I clean it!), cold, porcelain toilet.
I wouldn’t want to empty the bowl of my own puke. Ewwww…
Now that’s a class all it’s own.
Well, I suppose it’s better than your husband banging you so hard you puke during the deed.
(Am I allowed to say he was banging you, or is that too far over the line? Wait… the people above me are writing about fisting, for Chrissakes. I can use the word bang, damnit.)
Part of what makes marriage work is the sacrifices we are willing to make.
/whistle
OMG, I loved it!
Britt, you are SO funny! So, did he get you the bowl??
My kids have a garbage can in case they can’t make it. I’ve never thought off a Puke Bowl for me when I’ve been drinking. I just usually spend the night on the bathroom floor.
Avitable: please stop picturing me naked.
Secondhand Karl: oh damn, why didn’t I think of explaining it to him THAt way??
Sybil Law: glad to know I’m not alone
Winter: I am overwhelmed with an urge to squeeze my knees together right now.
TSM: yeah, see, you lost me at “never been drunk enough to puke”.
Sarah: exactly!
SciFi Dad: I am SCANDALIZED!
whall: hahahahaha - yes, we should teach classes.
misi: thanks
Robina: yep, he did!
Becky: oh no, in your own bed with a bowl Just In Case is wayyy better than a bathroom floor.
I will overshare more than your overshare. I was dating this guy a long time ago and all we ever seemed to do was get drunk and have sex. One time, I was way way way too drunk and I actually threw up in the middle of it. So, at least you didn’t throw up DURING like I did.
at least it wasn’t during?
(i can always find a silver lining!)
Well, at least you didn’t puke DURING the act. That might have really hurt his ego.
Damn, Britt. You’re no joke. I would hope that hubby went and got the bowl for you…
*giggle*
I had no idea Jared gets lucky every time you’re drunk!!! And I really wish I’d known about your defunct blog. I still don’t. I guess if it’s still in existence I could now Google It(TM).
i want a t-shirt that says “do me till i puke”
Now we all have the turkey visual. Thank you very much.
Clearly I need to start reading your archives.