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I mean, that’s what I hear. Balance. Moderation. All that shit, right?
I have to say that I always struggle to find that fucking balance…in nearly every aspect of my life.
I am thrilled beyond words at this new job of mine. I can’t even begin to tell you what a boost that is to my self esteem. And it’s the perfect job for me, too. Telecommuting is my friend.
I don’t do corporate very well. The office buildings, the elevators, the floors that all look exactly the same and the only way you can tell that you’re on the RIGHT floor is by the scarce bit of personalized cubicle wall fluff.
Yeah, that shit just doesn’t work well with Karl. I’ve done it. Did it for a long time. Technical writing was my thing for a while there. The excitement of policy and procedures manuals…oh, how I loved to craft them. *cough* You want to know what drains the creative spirit faster than anything? Other than Yanni, I mean? It’s working for The Man. Not just any man…THE Man. That cookie cutter corporate sonofabitch that cares about nothing but the bottom line from quarter to quarter. Ugh.
I’ve never adapted well to that mentality, which is a problem. I used to work for a big real estate financing corporation and, while I worked with cool people in my department, it was more and more difficult for me to wrap my brain around who I was working for. I mean, the concept of real estate, when you get existential (which I often tend to do) is BIZARRE.
How the fuck on Earth is it that we somehow feel we can own land? I mean, really, think about it. How did you get your land? Not the house…the land the house sits on. You bought it from someone, who bought it from someone, and so on and so forth ad nauseum. UNTIL you work your way back to the FIRST person that “owned” the land. Yeah, how did that happen?
It’s just…weird to me. The concept of us owning property, which is somehow arbitrarily assigned invisible boundary lines. Completely alien when I get that high up on the thinking plane.
Seriously, in a thousand years, do you think anyone is going to give a shit about the property you reside on? In TEN thousand years? In the grand scheme of the universe, what the fuck are we all doing? Working our asses off in these cookie-cutter buildings, most of us working for someone other than ourselves, all getting paid some arbitrary amount of money so that we can pay the bills. Pay for the car. Pay for the house. Pay the rent. Pay our property taxes.
All for shit that means NOTHING in 10,000 or 100,000 years. If that doesn’t blow your mind, I don’t know what will.
It’s THIS kind of thinking exactly that brought me to my knees working on technical manuals for a real estate financing company. An industry I felt was/is ludicrous in The Universe. And if I can’t believe in what I’m DOING? Bah, I might as well just chuck it all in to the middle of the ring and say “fuck this.” And that’s precisely what I did.
Yeah, Karl? Not so much a joiner. I’ll join the choir. I’ll join the blood drive. I’ll join the MST3K Fan Club. As long as I can buy into it.
All of that longwinded shit is my way of saying I’m far better off outside the office. Most offices, anyway. I’ve seen some great news stories on TV and in magazines that profile companies like Zappos.com and I could really see working there. They don’t believe in the hive mentality as much as they do the individual. And I dig that. Treating people like people…go figure, it’s a good thing.
So yeah, the balance. I haven’t forgotten where I began this ramble fest. Bear with me. I’m exhausted. I had less than 3 hours of sleep last night and my head has been (primarily) filled with vapid stories about K-Fed and babies wearing designer diapers. It’s fun, it’s exhilerating to be working again, but it’s also taxing in a way I haven’t felt in quite a while because - yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve worked.
Balance. I haven’t found it yet. I know that I haven’t had time to read blogs in the last week or two, and BAM! Today is already come and gone and I haven’t touched my feedreader in days. But I’ll get there. As I learn the ropes at Famecrawler, I’ll get there.
And I’ll occasionally get up and step away from the laptop so I can watch Big Brother or cheesy B horror flicks on SciFi, all in an effort to stop thinking about what celebrities are fucking pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun making fun of celebs. But too much of ANYTHING - well, we come back to balance.
You can get burned out on anything, I know from experience. Even sex. Been there, and that’s one thing you really don’t want to get burned out on.
I spent a few hours yesterday away from my laptop, only to visit a friend to help her with HER computer troubles. She needs me to build her a web site, and I’m happy to help where I can. But there’s only so much I can do.
Ugh, rambling again. I’m tired. I guess I started all this bullshit to talk about the balance in life and how I struggle to find it and I got really stressed out on Friday and fell off the smoking horse. I hate to admit it, but I did. I fell. And I was too angry and ashamed at myself to call Britt and tell her or to admit it here before now. Stupid, but hey, it’s true. You guys have all been very supportive and that helped me a lot, so I didn’t want to let you down.
It started with just one…and I SHOULD have called Britt for the support that we both signed up for, but I didn’t. And I caved.
I’m gonna quit again. I made it for nearly five days. I’m not about to say “fuck it” and just keep on puffing away. But right now, I’m smoking. I need to set a new quit date and go for it again until it sticks.
There, I said it. I’m a bad boy. I suck. But I’ll move on from this and get back on the horse. Soon.
In the meantime, I need some rest. After I finish gossiping.
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Filed under Famecrawler, Local Goings On, Rants, Uncategorized, quitting smoking |27 Responses to “They Say It’s About the Balance”
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Even those of us who aren’t quitting anything can help support, too. Just use us!
Awwwwww…. Karl! You naughty, naughty monkey! Put the cigg down and start chewing on straws!
Try not to obsess…..(what am I saying??)… just quit again and start over.
Completely — *completely* — agree about the corporate world. I fucking hate it. The politics, the backstabbing, the posing, the powertripping, the soul-killing,the stupid, bloodyminded pursuit of the godalmighty dollar. Ugh.
And you think property doesn’t exist… How about money itself? It doesn’t really exist! It’s just a placeholder. An idea. A concept. An arbitrary value on nothing. No inherent value. The only reason it means something is because “someone” says it does. And the reason he/she/it says it does is because they have a lot of it.
No, I really don’t want to go back to trading chickens (I hate chickens), but seriously. Y’know? You know.
*steps away from soapbox*
And in other news, I’m sorry to hear about the cigs, dude. But I totally understand. I fell off the wagon a lot, too. But one thing that worked for me was not making such a big deal out of capital-Q *QUITTING*. I just …stopped. That sounds inane, maybe, but I just stopped. When we build up the event in our minds, it can become an obstacle in itself. Just sayin’. Your mileage may vary. Keep stopping. Eventually, it’ll stick.
Wow. I had a lot to say here. I probably should have blogged all of this shit. Ah, fuckit. I’m too lazy. Heh.
I used to be a technical writer, too. I’ve also seen Yanni in concert. I’m fucked.
I’m here for you. Except that I’m a smoker with no plans for quitting. That’s not really helpful. But, I’m still here.
I love, love, love working at home. I don’t know if I could ever go back to the corporate grind.
Don’t stress too much about the new job, though I’m sure you will. You’ll find a good rhythm.
I’ve never understood the cubicle thing in offices. It doesn’t seem to happen a lot over here. My office is totally open plan, the MD sits right opposite me, no separate office for him even. We always have music playing and it’s generally quite noisy but we love that. I can’t imagine working anywhere else!
Congrats on the new writing gig, it really shines off the screen how excited you are ;o)
Don’t beat yourself up about falling off the wagon. Just climb right back on again when you’re ready :o)
I’ve never worked in the corporate world. However, I’ve worked in the public sector, either law enforcement or now fire suppression for the last 16 years. I much prefer the public sector to what you’re describing as the corporate world.
I have no desire to be a home or property owner. #1 - too much fucking responsibility. Kudos to me to admitting that one. #2 - too much work! #3 - just not my bag.
As for your smoking - I’m sorry you caved, but I like your attitude. Just pick yourself back up and do it again. I’ve been a smoker for 26 years and I’ve quit on SEVERAL occasions. Not easy. Keep trying and keep working on it.
Oh, as for the balance in life? If you figure out how to find a balance, would you let me know what you did cause I sure could use some balance.
that sucks about the smoking but hi, today is the first day of the rest of your life and all. start again! not the smoking part — the quitting part
Here’s what some one told me Karl…just so long as you don’t quit quitting you’ll be okay. So when you’re ready go for it again, I know you can do it.
I have had those same thoughts, and I tend to do that about all kinds of things. I can easily make my own self insane!
Most people who say they own their own homes do NOT - the bank “owns” them, anyway. until they’re paid off.
Anyway, new job! Exciting!
I agree with the corporate stuff. There is nothing worse than suits, in most cases, at most given times.
Unless you need a lawyer.
Wait - celebrity gossip you can “buy into”?
And also…
WHO THE FUCK DO I CALL NOW!?!?!?
It took my 3 times before I actually quit. Its ok to fall off the wagon and then get back on. You can count on me for support, if you want it. Anybody who loves BB and B grade horror movies (two of my faves) is an instant friend in my book:) Try to have a relaxing day.
Part of the reason I quit my last job was because I just didn’t believe in it. I couldn’t feel passionate about making some entrepreneur as much money as possible.
Re: smoking- like everyone else said- why come up with a new date? You smoked, OK move on. Stop again. Sneaking one in once doesn’t make you a smoker again - it just means you slipped a bit.
xoxo
Throw whatever you have away NOW. Why do you need another ‘quit date’? OR is that another excuse to keep smoking today?
Did you want me to be nice? I’m a bitch and I’ll help you quit. I’ll talk you out of lighting up.I’ll kick your ass if that’s what it takes!! You’re human. You slipped. Move on.
PUT DOWN THE SMOKES! BRITT NEEDS A QUIT BUDDY!!!!
Was that harsh?
I’m sorry pookie.
Friends?
I’m all about the balance. And I don’t do well in a regular office either. Working in one for a half-days suits me fine. Congrats oon the new gig.
As for the smoking, keep trying until you get it right! And what Avi said is true… we’re all here for you.
first, thanks for admitting that you smoked. that had to be kinda difficult to tell us.
second, i’m with metalmom. today looks great for quitting the nasty habit. although instead of throwing them away i think that you should give whatever is left to someone else so that they can hold them until the are totally stale. then give them back so that if you were ever tempted again, the terrible stale cigarettes would help be a deterrent.
third, i am on a roll here!
fourth, i am wondering if this celebrity gossip writing gig is gonna be good for your mental health since you said “And if I can’t believe in what I’m DOING? Bah, I might as well just chuck it all in to the middle of the ring and say “fuck this.” somehow i don’t see you believing in celebrity gossip. pleeeeeeeeeeze don’t misunderstand, i am so happy for this new opportunity, but i am now scared that it is gonna drive you batshit crazy.
fifth, how the hell do you get burned out on sex???! i’m not understanding that one. never enough for me. (dammit, did i just admit to being some whore??)
sixth, i do so love you. muah!
I know where this is all coming from… you found out Jean Paul Sartre had an illegitimate child with someone totally corporate… Those celebrity existentialists are so sneaky!
First of all, congrats on the writing gig. I think that’s awesome and I know how much you enjoy writing.
Second, I agree with hello haha narf. It had to be tough to admit that you picked up a cigarette to your friends and readers but I’m glad you did. You owned that you fell off the wagon. Now pick your ass up and jump back on.
Like Avitable said, there are plenty of us who aren’t smoking that are here to support you…use us! You have my phone number…USE IT!
On a totally unrelated note….who do you like in BB? Be careful how you answer…this could hurt our relationship….
Consider yourself one up on me because you at least have the good sense to desire to quit. I’m still working up to that point.
Avitable - Thanks, I’ll definitely do that. You know, when I quit again.
Blondefabulous - Yeah, I was chewing on straws. It’ll happen in the next couple of days and I’ll announce it again.
James - Thanks, dude. Yeah, I dig what you’re saying. I’ve also thought about how bizarre and abstract the concept of currency is. If it’s not important, why do I want it so badly?
Whit - didn’t know you did the tech writing thing. Yeah, not the most creative outlet in the writing world.
Penny - It’s not the job stressing me out. I love the job. It rocks. It’s other shit.
Penelope - Yeah, that sounds like a great working environment. In the tech writing world, though, those sorts of places are few and very far between.
Sodapop - If I figure out the balance thing, I’ll probably be on my deathbed.
Crys - Exactly.
Heaven’s Devil - Great advice.
Sybil - Yeah, hope I don’t need a lawyer. Except for making out a will or something.
Britt - Actually, yeah, I can buy into it. Because it’s all about making FUN of them. That I can dig. If I had to write fluffy lovey dovey stuff all the time, I’d gag. And I’ll call you soon.
Becky - Thanks!
Princess - Yeah, just need to stop again.
Metalmom - Heh, thanks for the tough love, babe.
Finn - Thanks.
Hello - Appreciate the love, hon. No worries about the gossip thing. It’s all about the snark, which I can bring without a hitch. Plus, it’s creative, as opposed to tech writing. And you can totally get burned out on sex, trust me. I’m not NOW. Course, I’m not having sex, either. In fact, I’m getting to be an expert at not having sex.
Winter - Heh.
Lisa - I will.
Stephanie - Hmm, I don’t know if I should say. I’m really hoping Dan wins it all, but if not him, then Renny.
Anissa - Well, yeah, there’s that.
The only thing I can balance is my checkbook. And that’s because it’s got a fucking two-digit balance most of the time. Bah. Balance schmalance. Highly overrated.
Congrats on your new job and I’m so glad you’re loving it! I hate mine like a bitch in heat, but I need the insurance. Sigh. That’s THE MAN again.
There was a study, apparently it takes like three or four or 20 tries before you actually quit — for good.
Congrats on the gig, and not smoking for 5 days.
You’ll get the hang of it.
I like Keesha, Memphis, Dan & Renny. CANNOT stand April, Libra, or Ollie. Or Michelle.
It’s sad, really. Do you Tivo the BB on Showtime After Dark? lol….really, really sad.
Oh yeah, Jerry is 75 years old.
You know.
In case you didn’t hear him say it 4,968 times.
Evil Genius - What is this “insurance” you speak of?
Nat - Thanks.
Stephanie - Keesha and Memphis bug the crap out of me, but I love Dan and Renny. And while Hilly HATES Jerry, I don’t. I kinda like him, though he is really old-fashioned. Cuz, y’know, he’s 75.