The Secret Life of a Superstar
I’m Avitable and I’m famous on the internet.
But like most of you, I bask in the shadow that is Karl. He’s like a giant phallic obelisk blotting out the sun to all of the rest of us hungry bloggers.
What most of you don’t know, though, is that Karl was famous way before he became a Rockstar A-List Blogger. He had a brief movie career and if you blinked, you might have missed it. I’ve got some screenshots for you to see, although you might have to click on them to see the bigger version. I blame Karen for giving Karl only 450 pixels of content space – ridiculous!
For example, did you see his quick cameo in “Apocalypse Now” as Private Harold Pecker?
Or his co-starring role in “The Godfather: as Johnny “Two Dicks” Lasagna?
You probably also missed his pivotal scene in “Jaws” as Interested Observer #4.
He is, however, most famous for his small but important part as Oliver Panteezoff in “Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom”.
And, of course, Karl had to work hard to achieve his level of success in Hollywood. Like most attractive young male stars with dreams of success, he had to start at the bottom:
81 Responses to “The Secret Life of a Superstar”
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I wonder who did Karl’s wax for that photo?
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Oh my God.
I just said “Oh My God” about 10 times in a row. Shawn ran in to see if I was okay. I turned my monitor. Shawn said, “Oh My God”.
Then I choked on my bagel.
Hahaha, oh my GOD!
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Wow. that’s awesome.
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Bullcrap!! Karl was not in Godfather! At least not Godfather Part I.
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I had no idea that Karl was so flexible!
I think I’ve found my new desktop wallpaper…
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My eyes. They burn. I am truly shocked.
“oh my God” is not anywhere near enough.
But you DID make my boyfriend laugh out loud.
J.
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Dude! My mom reads this! I didn’t want her to know about my gay porn career! Damn, though, look how skinny I was back then.
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I don’t remember….did Karl get eaten by the shark, or by the porn star?
I’m with Hilly……
OH MY GOD!
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Oh sweet baby jesus on a biscuit! I’m getting ready to get in a car with Karl for 9 hours, I can only hope that for 8 of them he’s in THAT position.
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HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Damn – Karl has got some skillz, huh?!
Damn that’s funny. (And gross. But mostly funny!)
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BOY LOVE! YES! I’m laughing so hard I’m coughing. Thanks to the new 19″ monitor on my small desk, Motley, who is lying in my bed watching LOTR, got a very big glimpse of the last photo. She’s saying, “What the hell?” over and over again, with eyes like saucers.
That’s the funniest guest post I’ve ever seen… er, read. And I’m LMAO over Dave’s wallpaper comment.
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I’m impressed by the shave/wax job.
I think Adam would eat chocolate off of those balls.
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ROFLMAO
I should have known better than to scroll down without hesitation.
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I will never learn. I get sucked in to every Avitable post, somehow thinking I will escape the eye-bulging shock. But Noooooooooo….. he gets me every time!!!
Somebody brought Visine right? My eyes are still burning
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I’m with Hilly.
Oh my God x 100.
Seriously.
I was thisclose to being in need of a new laptop because this one nearly became covered in milk.
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Oh. My. God. So wrong. So very wrong.
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I knew he was a porn star! He just had that gay porn star quality to him.
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Is that your pleasure or pain face?
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Totally unnecessary.
This is not who you are and it’s just way over the line.
My humble opinion for which no one asked.
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Two Coppolla flicks, then two Speilberg flicks. Thankfully only one gay porn flick.
Wait…did I just give thanks for gay porn?
This post should have come with some kind of warning.
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Comment #1: I wonder how long Avi ‘worked on’ this photo
Comment #2: I wonder what Karl’s daughter will think when she reads this post.
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you fiend! You lulled us all into complacency by posting innocuous screen shots with wee tiny heads!
Bravo Avitable. Bravo.
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Frank?
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It’s strange to be simultaneously repulsed and turned on at the same time.
Much like I suspect sex with Avitable would be like.
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Good Lord. It’s 5:40 a.m. here and I nearly spit my coffee all over the monitor. Hee!
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Avitable, you devil.
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Love the last one, too horribly awesome. When I close my eyes it’s still there!
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Must. Bleach. Eyes. Must. Bleach. Eyes. Must. Bleach. Eyes. Must. Bleach. Eyes. Must. Bleach. Eyes. Must. Bleach. Eyes. Must. Bleach. Eyes. Must. Bleach. Eyes. Must. Bleach. Eyes. Must. Bleach. Eyes. Must. Bleach. Eyes. Must. Bleach. Eyes. Must. Bleach. Eyes. Must. Bleach. Eyes.
I hope your mom enjoys this post, dude. Wow.
(Must. Bleach. Eyes.)
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Thank GOD I know to turn the laptop away from children when I read a post written by Avitable. NOW I can go into my OH MY GOD!!!!!
Oh my God. Just Oh my GOD!
Is it acceptable to drink vodka at 8 am?
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Wow. I am shocked.
I had NO idea that gay men had sex in that position! I thought it was always from behind!
Huh. Learn something new every day.
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I think something was also happening with Harrison Ford: Karl makes the same face in that picture.
Anybody else scared that they send kids pictures to Adam now?
LOL!
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Gah, me virgin eyes! *cough*
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ohhhhhh myyyyyyy gaaaawwwwwdddd!
I SAW KARL’S CASH AND PRIZES!! TWICE!!
I’m so glad I had put down the coffee cup.
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Shamelessly Sassy, I know – it’s a good wax job, isn’t it?
Hilly, I saw the video that capture came from. Karl says “Oh my God” a lot too.
Amanda, and now you know!
Y2K, yes he was – didn’t you see?
Dave2, yours too?
HossierGirl, so Steve likes a little gay porn, does he?
Karl, oh, she was your fluffer and you know it.
Blondefabulous, Karl got eaten out by the porn star and eaten by the shark. And by Marlon Brando
Anissa, I don’t think his aching joints will let him hold that position anymore.
Sybil, no, it gets gross later when they get into the cleveland steamer scene.
Winter, her virgin eyes!
A Whole Lot of Nothing, salty chocolate balls are my favorite snack.
NYCWD, yup – what were you thinking?
Willie G, I had to let Karl’s secret out!
Laci, send Karl the bill if you do need a new laptop.
Tracy, yet so, so right. And it feels so, so good.
Sarah, that’s why I went digging. I knew something wasn’t right.
Penny, I think that’s Karl’s happy face.
Mattie, you’ve been reading my blog for a while now, so I’m not really sure how this could surprise you. And it’s not who I am – it’s the porn star that Karl is!
BE Earl, the warning is implicit. I’m just ashamed that you can’t spell Spielberg or Coppola right – you must be drinking.
Whall, well, I had to stop for frequent masturbation breaks. And I think Karl’s daughters already knew about their dad’s sordid past.
Bluepaintred, there were still wee tiny heads in that last shot, too.
Papa, Harry.
Jester, add some scared in there, and you’re spot on.
Sandi, it’s a good wake up call!
Bluestreak, I only unearth the truth.
ML, it will show up in your dreams too!
James R., eye bleach never works unless you use brain bleach too.
Lisa, in this situation, vodka at 8 AM is a good idea.
Britt, from behind is just for vanilla gay sex. Trust me, I spent hours combing through porn to find just the right pose.
Mike, Ford was giving Karl a reacharound.
Sue, and your virgin brain!
LMSS, oooh, you and that damn Dane Cook reference!
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Avitable
I know who you are and I’m okay with that (like you need validation from ME).
But this is not who Karl is … especially since you HAD to know his twin daughters read his blog.
I don’t have a problem (in spite of the nun’s habit) of you putting whatever you want on YOUR blog but I really felt that this was inappropriate (said in my best Sister Prudentia tone) for Karl’s blog.
He’s not as hard core as you are. And, again, I don’t have a problem with you as you. But this does not represent Karl.
But, again, it’s his blog so what do I know?
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Mattie, Karl made it very clear that absolutely nothing had to be run by him – we could post anything we wanted with absolutely no restrictions. Keep in mind that this is the same Karl who has posted a picture of himself naked with a bottle in front of his crotch (http://secondhandkarl.com/2008/04/now-get-womens-erotic-juices-in-a-bottle/)!
His mom and his daughters read his blog, true. That’s why he’s lucky I didn’t post the ACTUAL gay porn photo of him, just a Photoshopped one.
Mattie, don’t worry – I never would have posted something that Karl wouldn’t have thought was awesome and completely spot on for what he expected from me. I write my guest posts with the audience in mind.
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Avitable
I don’t want to get into a “thing” about this. I am no one to you or Karl. Nor am I a fucking prude.
That said, here comes the “But,” Karl had a bottle in front of him. I think we would have gotten the same notion
of what you were saying without the photo being so explicit and it would have been funny, without most folks going “OMG” before
the laughter.
JMHO Last word, I promise. I’m ok. You’re ok. Yada yada yada (or better now that I’m moving back to CA – jada jada jada).
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oh. my. GOD.
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Wow. Just WOW.
Um, Karl? I hardly knew ye.
I have to go now. I have to clean up the diet coke all over my laptop, and get the Sam’s Club size bottle of BRAIN BLEACH.
It’s going to be a busy day.
Avitable, you have outdone yourself. Genius. Bravo.
Shash
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HAHA! Completely unexpected!
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Mattie – Oooh moving back to CA means you get to start saying “blah blah blah”.
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Where’s my inhaler? Somebody fetch my inhaler for me stat!
Do you think that Karl could post a pic of himself in one of your Halloween shirts with his twins (not Big Jim) hanging down? We could put your picture next to it and have a ‘Waxed or Hairy?’ poll running.
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Wow…Karl is a man of many talents. Its quite impressive. Since my morning started off with this, there is nothing left to top it…
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Mattie – I appreciate you fighting for my honor.
For the record, though, I thought this was hysterical. I know Adam pretty well and vice versa. While I certainly would never have put that on my blog, it’s probably because I never would have thought of it. Plus my Photoshop skills aren’t nearly as strong.
Yeah, it’s a bit weird that my mom and daughters read my blog, but it’s not as if that’s an actual photo of ME. Well, not a recent one, anyway.
Again, thanks.
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You had me going there, but that last photo is clearly ‘Shopped. Karl’s penis is MUCH bigger than that.
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Crawling back into my corner … Thanks Avi and Karl.
But here’s the real problem … I’ve lost the ability to fantasize about Karl while doing it with my husband.
How fucked up is that?
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Karl has girly legs! Who knew….
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The best part about the porn pic? Karl’s face. I nearly peed my pants. And I haven’t done that for… several hours now.
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Karl, I sent you an email, but if you don’t get it, please contact me immediately. Thanks!
-Skye
BlogHerAds
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SOMEONE!!! QUICK!!!
Pick Metalmom up off the floor!!!
*No one knows what happened cuz she won’t stop laughing!
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Uh oh! The police are here!
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I probably would have fuzzied out the boy bits, myself.
Good stuff, Avi!
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TSM – Never blur the boy bits. It’s spoils the shock value.
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Ack! My eyes!
Someone really needs to start implementing “Not appropriate for prudes” warning labels on these kinds of posts.
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[...] by Avitable and posted at Karl’s) was….umm… well, it was…OMG! Just go over there and check it out. I have never laughed so hard in my [...]
Man, that was a special time for us. We had a scare for a few weeks when we thought Karl might be pregnant, but I think that just brought us closer together.
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Wow, I need to find out what shaver Karl uses. I can’t believe he waxed the boys, so he must have one heck of a good razor. And I wonder if he studied yoga back then? My husband could never get into that position.
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Mattie, I think it’s awesome that you were this concerned, though. Seriously.
Crystal, you lurved it.
Shash, all I did was post a picture from Karl’s heyday.
Em, well, knowing me, it’s kind of expected.
Hilly, “blah blah blah” is a Cali thing?
BTDT, I’m guessing Karl’s got some serious man bush down there.
Becky, your weekend’s all downhill now.
Karl, have your mom or girls said anything?
Iron Fist, I didn’t want to make all the men who read Karl feel inferior.
Mattie, no corners! Stay out in the middle with us!
Nat, he has a great girlish figure.
Finn, anytime I can make someone pee is a good day.
Skye, doesn’t BlogHer have gay members who might appreciate the artwork?
Metalmom, death by laughing is a good way to go.
Stephanie, gots ta watch out for the po-po!
TSM, nah – the shock is in seeing the whole kit’n'kaboodle.
Winter, exactly!
Stacey, if it has my name on it, it should be assumed!
Whit, I’m sure it’s quite a walk down memory lane.
Evil Genius, I think he uses the Schick Quattro.
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I am scared for life!!! I mean it. You ruined me!!! I am still in shock, do not know how i am typing!!! YIKES!!
M
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Okay wife walked in and stood giving me a funny look, “Is there something you need to tell me dear?”
I just said, “Avitable,” and she walked off, “Should’ve known.”
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DUDE, I am on a family-used computer, and now there is cached butt sex porn on it, thanks to YOU.
*SIGH*
Ripley glares in your general direction.
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Dude is he doing you dry, he could have at least spit on it damn…and holy crap your pale.
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Michell, the more you protest, the more I know you loved it.
Mik, I like her.
Poppy, c’mon. There was cached butt sex porn on it before you came to this post. Admit it!
Trukindog, it’s the trials and tribulations of growing up a young film star.
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[...] you haven't already gone over to Karl's and seen my guest post from yesterday, take a minute and do that. It will change your [...]
“…and that, children, is why Adam was never asked to do another guest post anywhere ever again. The end.”
Karl, you were so hot! What happened to you?
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Well, she has seen your nut sack!
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i am SO back to loving you, adam.
this was spectacular.
although i am all about concerned that i won a guest post from you.
hehe
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Is it a bad thing that the only one of those films I’ve actually seen is the last one?
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OMG! I literally L’dOL on that one. Ha ha ha ha!
That last pic is priceless!!!
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Haha, I just came to see how you were doing with the not-smoking, Karl. I think I need to read Avitable’s blog now. I needed a laugh!
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Laughing, laughing, laughing
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Kettle, are you kidding? I’m in more demand than ever now!
Mik, who hasn’t?
Hello, oh yeah – do I have free reign?
Dan, no, I expected as much.
Elisa, well, actually it has a price.
Elizabeth, you should read my blog. I’m awesome.
Turnbaby, , masturbating, masturbating, masturbating?
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yes, free reign. i’ll give you the keys to my home any time you want, you can do what you want when you are there. it is ok, i am not afraid. well, maybe a little “concerned” sorta, but not afraid.
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Avitable you really are a God among men, and Karl, you are also a God in, around, on top, underneath and many other ways… among men.
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Ummm. Scarred for life. I’ll be sending an invoice for upcoming therapy.
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Damn. That last pic made my eyes bleed.
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Way funny. I’m with Willie G on this one. I’ll never learn.
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So it appears that in order to have tons of comments on one of your blog posts, you have to do one of three things:
1) Show a picture of some guy’s nutsack on the blog post
2) get Avitable to guest post for you
How much does an Avitable guest post cost and is the backlash worth the shitloads of new comments and traffic that it brings to your site?
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That was just fucking awesome. Great writing, Avitable!!!
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Just catching up. Brilliant. : )
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Hello haha narf, a little concerned is good.
Bec, Karl is a God among the butthole.
Catscratch, Karl has agreed to pay for all therapy.
Jenni, but in a good way, right?
Jeff, that’s what I’m counting on!
Marty, the backlash is always worth the comments!
J, well, great Photoshopping, you mean.
John, thanks!
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