The Summer Of Love continues in true PAPA style, so grab some lotion and your favorite cocktail, while I bring you poolside for some Summer Lovin’…
Before there was MARRIED (ALMOST) PAPA, before there was ENGAGED PAPA, before there was BIG DADDY PAPA there was…
PLAYER PAPA
Okay, so maybe SINGLE PAPA is a little more accurate.
But let’s take it back a couple of years. About four or so. I’m living in BHA (Beverly Hills Adjacent) in a tidy apartment that will later burn down (future post) with Michelle, my roommate. It’s Saturday around 2. I’m checking the mail or something domestic like that when Michelle skids to a stop in the driveway.
“Get in the car. We’re going swimming.”
“Where?” I ask. Because as far as I can remember neither of us has a pool pass.
She disappears and reappears forty five seconds later with two beach towels. And throws them at my chest. “Ready?”
Thirty minutes later we’re sitting poolside with Michelle’s friends Deirdre, Helen, and Sarah, all early 30’s, at The Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood. That’s after getting kicked out of the rooftop pool at the Renaissance Hotel across the street. Apparently, we didn’t blend in…with the paying customers. But somehow we blend in at the far more ritzier Roosevelt.
Drinks lead to drinks lead to more drinks leads to sex talk. Easy to do when you’re around a pool full of hard bodies all oiled up and wearing very, very little. Mostly, it’s girls hour as my own infrequent activity has left me little to share. Sometimes when you’re not getting any, the next best thing is to listen to people who ARE getting it.
Enter me. The bug on the wall. The Spanish Fly.
Somewhere between rejuvenated vagina’s and double nipple piercings, “getting franked” comes up. Intrigued, but playing it totally casual, I ask “What’s ‘getting franked’”? And Deirdre proceeds to explain.
Awhile back, she met this guy Frank. They started seeing each other and eventually they had sex. The sex wasn’t all that great, but Deirdre dismissed it, chalking it up as ‘first time sex’. They continued hooking up and by the fourth time Deirdre realized (as he pumped away), “Oh, my god, It’s like I’m not even here.” Immediately, she ditched him and the expression “Getting Franked” aka “Getting Fucked” was borne.
Not long after Frank, Deirdre met a new guy and had sex with him.
“How was it?” Michelle asks.
Deirdre smiles. “It started out great, kissing and everything but then he started going at it…like a drill hammer, then all the sudden I realized “Oh, my god, I’m getting Franked!”
We laugh.
Michelle: “Girl, now you got ME thinking about it.”
Us: “What happened to you?”
Michelle: “So I’m sleeping with this guy last week, just met him, and he’s bad… suuuuuuuucks …he’s so bad that your (she points to Deirdre with her straw) head pops up — while I’m having sex – and you’re laughing “Haha, you’re getting franked!” Meanwhile, “Frankie” boy’s still pumping away and I’m trying not to lose it.”
We laugh. Deirdre’s friend Helen sits up.
Helen: “Yeah, well at least it’s just some guy and not your husband.”
Helen has just won our undivided attention.
Helen: “My friend’s so over her husband that she can’t even look at him anymore when they have sex. She has to do it doggystyle. That way she doesn’t have to see his face. She just buries her face in the pillow. Sad thing is, he thinks he’s being wild.”
Us in chorus: “That sucks.”
Helen: “Yeah, she says she was over the sex years ago. She says she especially hates his SEX FACE.
Deirdre: “That’s when you really know it’s over. When you can’t stand their sex face.”
Finally, my golden opportunity.
“Like THIS?” I make my best (worst) sex face.
Deirdre looks away “Oooo, yeah. Stop, stop.”
Michelle: “Brian’s what was that face again?”
Deirdre throws an ice cube from her drink: “Michelle!!!”
So, ladies, you’ve been warned. “Beware of Frank.”
And, guys, GUYS. Take it up a notch.
Don’t be a wanker, Franker.
– PAPA
For more PAPA check out www.papatv.com. Thanks again, Karl, for having me.
What’s your “Frank” story?
Filed under Uncategorized |12 Responses to “I got Franked!”
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Hahaha, that story literally made me laugh out loud AND snort just a wee bit! I’ve been “franked’ before and now I have the perfect name for it. You know, when I’m actually um, getting some.
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I don’t think there’s a female on the planet who hasn’t been franked. Thanks for giving it a name!
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Ha! Hilarious. I’m gonna have to break out my Bag o’ Tricks from now on to make sure I’m not a Frank. Though I have to say, I’ve had the same experience but with women. What would you call that? Getting Frankie’d?
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I can (somewhat) proudly say I have never been franked thankyouverymuch.
Of course I’m still a virgin so I haven’t had anything, but still..never been franked. That’s gotta count for something.
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Thankfully I haven’t been Franked since I was married.
Although I’d almost take Getting Franked over what I’ve been Getting Lately. Almost.
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I just Frankenstein people. There are a lot of moans and “Nnnnngaaaaaa” sounds and lightning.
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LOL. “…she especially hates his SEX FACE.”
Is that like an “OH” face? Ohhh! Ohhh!
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ha! I used to call it rabbit humping … but getting franked sounds much more to the point! I think we’ve all been there.
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And I thought I was doing it right all along.
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Thats such a AWESOME term. *yoink*
I too, like many of you… have been franked. Recently as it were. I met a guy and after a few dates we decided to get crazy. But this guy… who was probably the hottest guy Id ever been in bed with, was small. sadly. And when we started to go at it, i started counting the tiles on my cieling. 246 to be exact folks. I also chalked it up to first time jitters so i gave him another chance. Stupid me. I was franked twice. TWICE!
Needless to say, guys who are franking women should be put to death.
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Great Post! But really let me be Frank here, ok? See, Frankly speaking, most of us guys developed our sexual technique WAY before anybody else ever volunteered to participate with us! I mean it, you gotta understand the nature of the Frank beast… We have years of motor memory telling us to put on blinders, ignore everything around us and flog one out before Mom walks in the room and turns on the lights!
That’s Opperant conditioning at it’s most elemental level! You take a core animalist thing like a sex drive and couple it with the traumatic effects of Behaviorial Modification like potty trainings, and you have one intimidated little Frankinfurter… I mean, think about it for a second… You got any idea how that woman went Ape Shit when your pull ups accidently got wet in the front…? There is NO FREAKIN WAY she is going to be cool about what you are slapping out between the sheets. So we establish personal ground rules very early. Focus, Focus, and Finish fast. Frankly speaking, it’s THAT simple.
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I married Frank.
Heavy sigh.
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