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Last year, I was extremely bitter about this whole Summer of Love thing. You may recall me, Black Belt Mama, beating Karl’s jeep with a baseball bat. You may also remember me obliterating pictures of Karl. I’m thinking “bitter” is the understatement of the year. If you’re new here, you may want to go and check it out. I thought Karl had learned his lesson.
Then this year Karl sends out the schedule and there are guys on it. Guys. I mean, where will the man draw the line?
I had big plans. I was going to follow up my video debut with a second one. I was going to go all Beyonce on Karl and tell him “You must not know ’bout me” complete with putting all of his crazy things in a box “to the left, to the left.” I imagined a video with me tossing Karl’s things into this box intermittedly throughout the video: a rubber chicken, his pacifier, his 2HT t-shirts, his expensive hair mousse, his pink bathrobe, and even his squeaky rubber ducky. I can file my nails with attitude too. It was going to be perfect. Just imagine Beyonce in a gi, with blonde hair.
It was all planned out the week I was asked to post almost two months ago. . .
Then we sold our house and had to move out in 3.5 weeks, and in with my parents while our house is being built. The location of my video camera is currently unknown. It’s safe to put out an official MIA. I could have told you that you’ll have to wait until I move into my new house in October to get the video.
The truth is that I tore my ACL last year, had surgery and my moves are. . . lacking at best. So instead of embarrassing Karl with all of the crazy things he leaves lying around everywhere, and myself with the one-legged dance moves, I figured I’d just give Karl some love advice from a girl who’s not afraid to put it all out there.
Do you want to know the secret to summer love, the things that women are really looking for along with the things they can’t stand???? Here they are:
Biggest Turn-offs (in no particular order):
- Dorito breath. If you’re looking for a woman, ban them from your diet. I avoided a first kiss with a fantastic guy because his breath smelled like a bag of Dorito’s. Nasty.
- Liars. I once told my husband (then boyfriend) that if I found out he was wearing a red shirt and he told me he was wearing blue, I’d dump him. Girls dig honesty.
- Not too much honesty though. We don’t need to know what you were doing in the bathroom for the past hour. Trust me, we’d rather not know. No really. TMI. (And for the love of God, put the fan on please.)
- Too nice, too needy, too desperate, too annoying. Call when you say you will, but don’t call too much. Generally avoid any and all head games, and don’t go all psycho stalker on us either.
- Drowning in cologne. You might as well just wear a big sign around your neck saying “I needs to get me some now.”
- Primping. If you spend more time fixing your hair than your potential girl, trust me, it’s too much time. If you hair crackles like bacon, you might be using too much hair gel. Major turn off.
- Dogs. Dogs, in general, are fine. However, if you’re the type of guy who takes the dog everywhere, sleeps with the dog, and does open mouth “kisses” with your dog. . . Ick.
- Science Fiction Nonsense. So you like Star Trek, Star Wars, and you even enjoy roll-playing that Dungeons and Dragons stuff. Fine, but if you start debating Princess Leia vs Queen Omigodalah and their power and beauty over dinner, you can pretty much rest assured that we’ll be moving on.
- Weird Mom relationships. There is nothing stranger than dating a guy and feeling like you’re competing with his mother for his attention. Love and respect your Mom, but don’t make it a competition for your love with a girl you’d like to date/marry.
- For the love of God, don’t wear a Speedo, unless of course you’re Michael Phelps, in which case. . . feel free. Gold medals are hot. And while I’m kind of on the subject, gold chains are not.
How to Get the Girl:
- Dance in your boxers, often. Girls like to know that guys don’t take themselves too seriously.
- Be man enough to stand up and karaoke. You don’t have to sing like Harry Connick to make a girl swoon. Being fun is the best way to get the girl.
- Introduce us to your friends. Don’t make us feel like it’s an us vs. them scenario all the time.
- Listen without trying to “fix” everything. Sometimes girls just want to vent. They don’t always want solutions, especially when that solution comes from the mouth of a man. We like to figure things out ourselves most of the time.
- Acknowledge. “Uh-huh” and “oh yeah” and “no kidding” are filler words that mean you’re watching the game and not listening to your girl. We know this. Don’t get caught. Acknowlege the conversation and interact.
- Don’t be afraid to dance. We like guys who can move. If you can’t, that doesn’t mean it’s a strike against you. Do the swaying thing. Anyone can sway to the beat. Just remember that slow swaying is markedly better than fast and off-beat swaying. Be the fixture and let your girl dance around you. You’ll probably have fun. Yes, yes you will.
- Hold open the door for us; pull out our chair; pick up the check. Yes, we might fall over from the shock, but it’s a good thing. Chivalry is not dead. Don’t believe those crazy things you’ve heard.
- Don’t play dumb. You know how you purposely crumple up shirts to make us think you don’t know how to fold clothing so that we won’t ask you in the future to do this chore again? We’re on to you. Knowing how to fold the towels, iron a shirt, and cook a meal is the hottest thing ever.
- Quit smoking! Smoking and Dorito’s go hand in hand. I’m so proud of you Karl. Keep it up!!!
- Pose semi-naked with “cologne” bottles. Sure, we’ll think it’s creepy at first; but the image will be seared in our brains forever. It will haunt us for eternity. We won’t be able to get you out of our head. That’s a good place to be if you’re trying to get the girl.
18 Responses to “Get the Girl”
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black belt momma is awesome.
that is all.
Dorito (and Fritos) breath, cigarettes, and too much cologne make me cough. Note to men out there: asthmatic women do not like those things. They are things that kill in her world. You wouldn’t wanna kill the girl with your cologne now would you?
BBM - Great post! Funny and fun. And true.
I’d much rather have a man talk to much about Science Fiction then have a weird Mother-Son relationship.
I almost went on a date with a guy who asked permission to go out on a date. Yeah it was over as soon as he said it was okay for him to go out with me.
Princess Leia is far better than Queen Omigodalah, I can’t believe you’re even debating it.
Thanks so much, Jessica. I’ll keep those things in mind. Now that I’m on Day 2 without smoking, I feel like I’m on my way. Just need to remember to not talk sci-fi.
I loved that video from last year - you raised the bar too high for the rest of us!
And what’s wrong with wearing a Speedo? It’s what I hang out in all day long.
I’d be OK with the Sci-Fi talk.
But yes, that image is definitely seared in my brain forever!
Way to go on Day 2 Karl!
xoxo
Those are the best rules ever!! Thanks for posting them Black Belt Mama…I will be sharing them with certain males I know.
Awesome post and I loved the video!!!
Came over from Britt’s to show some love for you Karl!!! I think it’s wonderful you are quitting;keep it up!!
Um, Karl has a pink bathrobe? Really? Dude!
I wholeheartedly agree with #4 and #9 of the turn-offs. I have experienced both firsthand and both are infuriatingly frustrating to endure.
Okay. YOU are awesome. Where were you when I needed to make a video like this for my husband??
I can’t believe you told them about the pink bathrobe.
Great post, Mama! I particularly enjoy #8 of get the girl. Nothing irks me more than a man playing dumb… unless he’s winking at me to let me know I know he knows he’s playing dumb.
Oh, that was just fun to say.
Or, rather to let me know he knows I know… both ways.
I have no excuse, I didn’t just wake up.
hello ha ha narf: You’re pretty awesome yourself. Thanks.
Winter: Yes, men should understand that cologne is supposed to draw the woman closer, not send us running.
Sarah: Agreed. Not much is worse than the weird mother relationship.
Dan: Trust me, I’m not.
Karl: You’re doing great! Keep it up!
Avitable: Thanks. See, I ‘ll just continue to link to that. Who says being a one-hit wonder is a bad thing? And speedo. . . all day???
Princess: Talk may be o.k. sometimes. But no Leia buns or the deal is off.
Becky: Please, spread them to the world. More men need to know!
Misi: Thanks!
Dragon: Totally.
Gina: It seems we’ve all dealt with those. Ugh. So frustrating.
Lynette: I’m happy to offer my services if you need help.
Karl: People had to know about the pink bathrobe. It just had to be done.
Poppy: No worries. I totally know where you were going with that.
She hit the nail on the head - my two biggest turn-offs are butt (cigarette, of course!) breath and Star Trek fanatics. Oh, and if he’s in his 40’s and living with his mommy.
Completely with you on all, but not necessarily the Sci-Fi. I would enjoy it, especially since I am surrounded by antiDnDStarWarsTrekkies who are interested in only huntingfishing4wheeling type things. But it’s the same with any subject, if you go on-and-on about something that the girl is completely not interested in, you’re going to lose her fast.
Give me the Leia v. Amidala debate (Leia) and you’ve got my attention (and will probably get lucky), give me an in depth description of the last fishing trip you took and I’m probably looking for the nearest exit. The opposite is probably true for many other women though.
Great post!