Thanks to Poppy for participating in the Summer of Love yesterday. Great post (including the porn!) and it brought me some laughter. Always welcome.
By now, you’ve probably created your own Manga avatar. It’s the latest and greatest thing. Just look on Twitter and you’ll see tons of cartoon likenesses.
Here’s mine:
For those of you that want to join in on the fun, go to Faceyourmanga.com - It’s pretty easy to use.
But here’s the newest thing I’ve found. It’s all about Yearbooking yourself. Thanks to the lovely Angela Gunn, I found this cool little site. Yeah, it’s integrated in with some mall shopping, but you don’t really have to mess with that aspect of it.
I now take you through the decades.
I’m really digging the threads and particularly my awesome mullet in the last photo. So yeah, go to yearbookyourself.com and have some fun.
I give you that fun stuff before I get to the depressing stuff. My depression is hitting me the last couple of days. And today - being my final day of smoking - I went with a video blog post that is sure to have people rolling their eyes and slitting their wrists. OK, maybe it’s not THAT bad, but still.
Here’s the vid:
Karl Waxes on About Crap from Karl Erikson on Vimeo.
Here’s the direct link: http://www.vimeo.com/1537764
And for those of you that want to skip 18 minutes of stream-of-consciousness whining and bitching, here are the bullets:
- I’m depressed.
- I’m quitting smoking tonight at midnight.
- I’m depressed.
- My diabetes is out of control.
- I’m depressed. Oh, and bipolar.
- I isolate myself when I’m depressed, just like Hilly does.
- I’m depressed. And I’m quitting smoking. At midnight.
- Blogiversary coming up. Not jazzed.
- I’m depressed.
- Birthday Spectacular coming up next month. Dares, too.
- I’m depressed.
That pretty much gives you everything but the transcript.
Filed under Depression, Local Goings On, Video, quitting smoking |30 Responses to “Depressing Videos and Yearbook Photos”
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Sorry to hear that. Look at your pictures again, they made me feel better.
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((((((((Karl))))))))
Hang in there, kiddo.
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I watched that whole thing, and a lot of sounded veeerrrryyy familiar, esp that ‘what’s it gonna take!’ bit. I know (my version of) that whole story. I’ve dealt with depression since I was a kid, so I do get it, I get not taking the kind of care of yourself that your supposed to, I get withdrawing. Do I ever. As you take on getting through this bout, smoking or not, first thing in the morning, and just before you go to bed, sit quietly somewhere without any activity or sound or other distraction for five minutes, spend a minute getting your head clear of everything - EVERYTHING - and just breathe. Five minutes. Get into it, spend it there, and come out of it. It’s free, can’t hurt, it’s healthy for your mind and spirit and it’s ten minutes in each day that are reliably not a pain in the ass, if nothing else.
Hugs and warmth and best wishes your way. <3<3<3
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Sorry to hear that you aren’t doing too well.
Would a picture of boobs cheer you up? I mean I can bring out the push up bra and get some cleavage going.
But only if it’ll help.
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Oh, Karl. That could have been me talking except I have less facial hair. I hope so anyway. I totally understand where you are coming from with the depression and the chore it is to take care of yourself sometimes. I am frequently running out of and going without meds because I am too lazy to remember that I need refills. This is something that my husband and Brad are constantly getting on me about. But, I totally get it. You’re not alone.
Without sounding like a naggy nurse, it might help your depression too if you keep better control of your diabetes. I’m sure you know that, but I thought I’d just mention it.
Finally, if you need to talk, you got my number and I am always willing to listen to you ramble. Hey, I watched the entire video post.
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“what will it fucking take for me to fucking do something”
i understand this sentiment, i truly do. i suffered from a monstrous disorder for more years than i care to mention because truly, in retrospect it seems like so much wasted time. i rationalized it all away because essentially i felt functional enough while disordered — until those times i didn’t. until those times i crashed and needed to take emergency measures — but not to save me wholly, simply to bring me back to what i deem “functionality”, which as it turns out is only a more forgiving level of Dantean hell.
my dream was never “living optimally”. my dream was making it day to day without inadvertently hurting myself beyond repair. i think perhaps that was the problem, Karl. oh believe me i had grand “ideas” of going to Omega retreats in Costa Rica and doing yoga with renowned teachers, and then after that drinking acai smoothies and shit with spirulina in it (gak) just because it restored me — but i never could get THERE because i could never even put an acai berry in my mouth at HOME, because see? “functional, functional”. which does not equal living life out loud.
and so what i learned is that it really is momentum. it really is the old cliche of “the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step”. i’m sorry, i know you hate hearing that especially where you are, but it is the only truth that will ever get you there. you must love yourself enough to take care of yourself, to create a stable foundation of body and mind and spirit, and perhaps at this time it doesn’t necessarily mean “optimal”, but it DOES mean FIRM. you need a FIRM foundation upon which to build your optimum life. get your house (which is your inner structure) to be sound and sturdy and from THERE reach for your dreams, whatever they are for you. that is how you will get them.
and so here are my presumptuous suggestions for you, offered in love:
* drink a lot of water today. a good rule is half your body weight in ounces. i know, that’s a whole lot of pissing, but try your best.
* drink orange juices, blueberry juices, all organic;
* when you go to the store to get your pills (which you’d goddamn better do, sir) buy some V8 juice or another product (preferably organic) that will deliver unto you all the vegetables your body so needs. make sure it’s low sodium.
* if you don’t have any already, purchase a good vitamin. i’m nutty about the quality of vitamins, and can talk to you about that at some time if you like, but since we’re just starting with creating a foundation of health, ask your pharmacist which is best and then joseph christ, buy it. add them to that dreaded pill box and then take them, along with your other meds.
* go outside today and take a walk. i know it’s hot where you are and maybe there are bugs and all, but just do it. get outside and do it, and really try to LOOK at your environment, all the beautiful things that surround you, how blessed your life actually is. because IT IS. you do not FEEL blessed because you are storm cloud living, but when you get outside and SEE THE ABUNDANT BLESSINGS (like grass, like bodies of water, like flowers or children at play) you WILL feel it. do this every day; move your body.
just do this for a week. you’re not taking away ANYTHING, you are ADDING TO, and everybody can at least ADD TO. if you want to be a renegade, you could always drop the booze for awhile and any food that doesn’t serve you — but you can wait on that if you like, until such time as you do all the other things you need to do.
the body has an amazing (AMAZING!) capacity to heal itself. you have to love it enough (which means loving yourself enough) to give it that fighting chance.
I will keep you in my thoughts.
OLIVE YOU
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that was long, i’m sorry.
i care.
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I get the distinct impression that you really do not want to quit smoking. I know it’s much better for your health if you do, but with the black cloud rolling in (I know exactly what that is like) I’m afraid it will be too much.
Please don’t shut yourself off. You have friends who love you dearly who will do whatever necessary to help you get through this.
I’m not too far away from you — if you need help or support, I’ll be there for you. xo
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Hi, honey…I just watched/listened to your post. I hope that you’ve gotten your meds back under control, and happy first day of not smoking! Hang in there, you can do it.
My best friend is clinically depressed and diabetic, so I can feel your pain…I’ve been in close contact with hers for about 20 years. My BFF went into kidney failure about 4 years ago, and believe me, if you think dealing with your depression is fucked up now, it doesn’t hold a candle to dealing with it on dialysis. Try to keep those sugars under control. (I know there are days where that’s easier said than done.)
I hope you are finding your way out of this depression. Take care of yourself, buddy. You’re worth it.
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Whit - Heh, they are pretty funny looking.
Stephanie - Thanks.
Catherine - I’ll give that a try, thanks.
Sarah - A picture of boobs would help. Well, couldn’t hurt.
Shelli - You’re right, of course. That’s part of the vicious cycle. Taking care of myself WILL make me feel better, at the very least…physically. And that leads to feeling better mentally. Got your number.
Crys - Thanks very much for your opus.
I guess I need to clear something up. When I said I ran out of pills, I meant that I went through the 7 pillboxes and needed to refill them. I HAVE the pills. Just don’t refill the stupid blue boxes. I’m going to try out some of those other suggestions, though. I imagine I’ll be drinking a lot of water, anyway, with the quitting smoking. Love juice, can’t drink a lot of it because of my diabetes. And I’ll get with you about the vitamins.
Finn - Thanks. Well, I WANT to quit, but I don’t. It’s time, it’s been too long. That’s really the depression talking, I think. It’ll all be okay. And thanks for the support. We’ll have to get together one of these days.
Tracy - Thanks very much. Yeah, I think that’s why I decided to post this video…to make myself accountable. I don’t want to be on dialysis or any of the other complications that arise from out of control diabetes.
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1. I’m doing OK, thanks for asking.
2. You’d probably be surprised to find out how many of us do “give a shit” I mean I’ve only been reading this a month or so, and I do…
3. I can relate to a lot of what you were saying- I learned the term “passive suicidality” from my doctor last year- I didn’t realize how common what I was feeling really was.
4. I REALLY get the idea that sometimes doing little things like pills etc can be SO monumental. It can be. It’s just one other thing weighing you down.
xoxoxo
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I know that this is going to be an unpopular opinion however, since Finn already brought it up, I am going to mirror her thoughts. Right now it seems like you really need to get a few more important things under check rather than smoking. First being finally finding the correct therapy and med combination to combat the depression and help you snap out of it. Second being getting your medication under control and knocking off the unhealthy crap (i.e. eating sugar, drinking, not taking your meds, etc). Lastly, maybe finding an outside approach to your depression as well…changing your situation, living or otherwise.
I agree that it sounds like you really don’t want to quit smoking, and I mean more than the normal person who is about to quit. It has that same tone as me saying that I was going to BlogHer (even though I wanted to stab my eyes out at the very thought of it). If it is not something you are set on doing 130%, I worry that you’ll slide back into smoking, hide it from everyone, then that will add to your depression.
I’ve seen you smoke and it seems like one of your only pleasures. If anyone gets uppity, I am not condoning smoking as a way of life but seriously, just a thought.
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PS - I hope no one takes my comment above as callous. Firstly, I too have depression so I know what the right fixes can actually do for a person. Secondly, I know Karl well enough to take off the candy coating.
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Karl,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re “in the valley.” Listen, on the smoking thing - it’s great that you’re on the buddy system with Britt, Jared, an others, that’s a GREAT thing for all of you to have that support. This has probably been suggested to you (all) like a thousand times, and if so, please pardon the redundancy, but I would recommend that you WEAN yourself off the smokes, e.g., if you smoke a pack a day:
This week - go to 15/day
Next week - 10/day
Week 3 - 5/day
Week 4 - NOW, you’re ready for the big ZERO. Use the quitting aids that are available to you.
Cold turkey is just TOO DAMNED HARD. If you do it in stages over a month, you’ll gain the confidence that you can REALLY, REALLY, do this. : )
Anyway, I wish you luck, and I wish you peace my brother. I will kee you in my meditative thoughts.
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Okay, last night I posted in a hurry, and didn’t have time to watch your vlog.
This morning, I watched it. And I am concerned. As a fellow diabetic, I say this with all the love and encouragement I can muster, “TAKE YOUR DAMN MEDICINE!” You know, I know….you have to take your insulin. NOW. I also understand the depression. It goes hand in hand with the diabetes. And some days, even the tiniest things like having to open all the damn bottles and filling all the little spaces in the pillbox makes you want to tear your fucking eyes out….but you have to.
I am here, email me…please take care of you. You are a sweet, sweet man, and if I lived closer I’d just wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug! Lean on your friends. That’s what they are for. Keep posting, or if you just dont feel like it, don’t. Keep the guest posting. You have enough bloggie friends to post for you for a long time.
Okay, I’ll shut up now. I just feel like I saw/heard a cry for help in your vlog. Hugs to you, kiddo.
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I am so glad-kinda-sorta to know you’re depressed because all day yesterday I thought you just didn’t like anything about me but my boobs.
This video made me giggle because I can totally empathize with all the depression bullshit. I know it shouldn’t be funny, but I laugh at inappropriate things so… love me or hate me, I enjoyed the video.
I totally understand about it being “too much” to do a seemingly simple task such as filling your pill box. Depression is funny like that.
I’ll make a suggestion, you take it or leave it. Write out a checklist, print out copies for each day of the week, check things off as you do them. That way you can take the ownership off yourself for each task and assign it to that fucking piece of paper that rules your life. It works for me.
Big hugs, Karl.
As for how I’m doing: Pretty good.
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I think Poppy’s idea is the tops, pops! When I was deep in the throes of my depression and anxiety disorder, routines and lists totally helped me get through each day. It does seem daunting at first but it really starts to help and makes you do at least what you SHOULD do each day.
Of course now I’m a crazy person who makes lists for everything but hey, who cares.
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Lists are good. Motley’s dad lives by them and he suffers mightily from the big D. I agree with what everyone has had to say here. I think it’s imperative that you get all the issues in your life that relate to your health in strict order. You don’t realize how fast someone can go down if they don’t. I see the results EVERY DAY. Believe me. This is something you don’t want to procrastinate about or make excuses about. Make the lists, and do what you have to do to get the diabetes and the depression in order.
Unfortunately, I’m gonna be a dissenter here on the cigs and not because I’m the asthmatic who yearns for a smoke free world so “I” can live longer without trouble from my disease. As a huge procrastinator, I know how you can make trade offs in your head. You’ll keep smoking, but only so you can get a handle on the other 2 issues. I’ve had a few rounds of serious depression. Never medicated because I didn’t have the $ to even see a doctor. I was suicidal a couple of times too. My 20’s were not kind to me.
But I do know that you can find the strength inside you to do it all. You just have to make that commitment inside you to yourself and everyone who cares about you… that no matter how hard it is, no matter how bad it feels, you can do this and come out the other side with everything in place the way it should be.
Sometimes baby steps are what life requires. Sometimes, you have to do it all cold turkey. Just stop making deals in your head with YOUR LIFE and get on with it. There are many people here willing to help you and support you in any way that you need to do this. I don’t think any of us are doing you a favor by saying maybe it’s too much for you. I don’t think it is. I think that if you can shave your head in support of Lisa, you can stop with the excuses and do what you need to do to help yourself be healthy.
Sorry if I come across as harsh, but this is a lesson I learned the hard way. The very hardest of ways. I’m your friend, and I just don’t want to enable you. I want you to realize that you have to get well and you do have it in you to do this. Don’t be afraid to ask any of us for anything that would help you. Just don’t ask me to tell you it’s okay to make the deals. Cause I just don’t think it is.
Love you mister! *HUGS*
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I’m sorry Karl. I won’t offer any advice, because that cloud is rolling in up here in Jersey, too. Maybe it’s just the end of the summer that’s causing it. I hope we both feel better soon.
p.s. Maybe you shouldn’t try to quit smoking just yet. I smoked for 6 years, and quit 4 years ago…but every time I get depressed, I want a cigarette. It always made me feel better. Still does, when I sneak one. Shh! Don’t tell anyone!
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Princess - Thanks a bunch. Haven’t heard the term “passive suicidality” before. Have to look that one up. Thought I’d heard everything.
Hilly - Thanks. Really. I know from where you come in those comments and you know I’m not taking them the wrong way. I’m back on the meds, as I should be, and I don’t know that there will *ever* be a good time for me to quit. I’m making a go of it. I won’t be sneaking smokes if it comes to that. I’ll just hop back on the horse.
John - Every time I’ve quit successfully, it’s been cold turkey. I’m going with patches this time, and the gum, too. I have patches already and the gum is on the way in the mail. I don’t know that weening would work for me. I’m not typically a moderation kind of guy. All or nothing, I’m afraid. Thanks for your advice, though.
Stephanie - Thanks very much. I’m back on the meds, checking my sugars, taking my insulin. I just wanted to put it out there and make myself accountable to someone other than me. And I may take you up on the email.
Poppy - No, I LOVED your guest post. Thanks very much! And yeah, I do love your boobs, too.
The lists thing - great idea. I’ll give that a shot.
Hilly - I’d rather be a crazy listmaker than a crazy smoker.
Winter - Thanks. Yeah, I can find many reasons not to quit, but there are even more substantial reasons TO quit. It’s happening. At midnight.
K8 - I’m gonna give it a go tonight. We’ll see. I have a lot of support so if I fall off I’ll just get back on.
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One of my oldest and best friends in the whole world created that YearbookYourself site. She sent it to me for beta testing about two weeks ago. It’s pretty fun.
Hey, if you want to come over and do another Wii game night or something, let me know. Maybe that will help!
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OMG! Your hair is growing back! I didn’t notice before now!
Hope you signed up for the unlimited texting plan with all those Twitter notifications going on!
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Karl, you’re funny, witty, smart, and a hell of a good friend. Don’t worry if you don’t have Phelp’s abs, too. joking aside, you have a lot of things going for you, especially people who care a lot about you as is fully evident here. celebrate this!
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Avitable - Wow, your friend did a great job on that site. Lots of fun. And yeah, I’m up for more gaming. It’ll have to be next month, though. Again, the money. Urgh.
Dave2 - Yep, I’m actually going to get a haircut in the next few days. And I’ve got 1,500 messages a month. May not be enough.
Papa - Thanks, dude. Much appreciated. I may not have the abs yet, but we’ll see what happens when I get around to exercising.
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Rather than give you some bullshit subliminal command like trying to tell you that cold turkey isn’t the way to go, I’ll instead offer an incentive program: every two weeks you go without smoking I’ll mark you up for a free Guinness. Come next TequilaCon you probably won’t even have a bar tab (unless you want to buy drinks for pretty girl bloggers, but that’s your call).
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Sweetie, if your sugar is out of whack, it’s definitely going to affect your Depression.
Start back on your meds and that will start to help the rest.
And you know, more people care (and go through similar shit) than you think. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 39 years is you’re never alone, even though you feel like you are.
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Kris - Thanks. Back on the meds. Things are okay, except I want to strangle someone right now. Or have a cigarette.
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Hey there. I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now but haven’t commented before since I don’t have one of these new-fangled blog-thingies.
I gotta say that video kinda made me take account for all the things I have stupidly left undone because my depression the last few months. I gotta be honest with myself too, just as you have.
More people care and think about ya than ya think (hell even some stranger that you’ve never talked to). G’luck with everything coming up with quitting smoking (find someone to punch out regularly) and keep that blood sugar in check.
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Sorry this is coming to you late…I’ve been working all weekend.
I hope that the no smoking thing is going ok for you today. I quit smoking 4 years ago. I knpw how hard it is to do and you are in my thoughts as you do this.
I also suffer from depression. I know the waxing and waning fellings all too well. Thank you for sharing this video. I hope you know that you aren’t alone. Sending you big hugs!!
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Alex - Thanks for delurking and commenting. I know that’s not always easy to do. Appreciate the support. Hope you’re doing well.
Becky - Not a problem. I’ve been too swamped to hit blogs lately myself. Sending you a hug right back.
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