Hi, Poppy here. Thanks to Karl for letting me round out the Guest Post Party with the lamest post of them all. As you all know, Karl is quitting smoking with the lovely and talented Miss Britt on Monday, August 18. I, myself, have never had to quit smoking so any advice I give will be purely smartassedly circumstancial, but that has never stopped me before, so I’m giving my advice on how to keep from smoking anyway. Here we go…
5 ways that you, Karl with a K, can keep your hands and mouth busy so that you don’t smoke:
1. Eat a bunch of really greasy, fatty foods in a concentrated amount of time. The stuff will go right through you and you’ll be trapped on the toilet for days, thus keeping your hands nice and dirty-busy. It’s probably a good idea to keep a case of bottled water handy, which keeps your mouth occupied, don’t want you getting overly dehydrated. I myself tried a test run of this trick yesterday and it worked brilliantly. Suggestions for foods: Onion rings, hamburgers, gravy, french fries, mozzarella sticks, beef chimichangas, fettucine alfredo topped with a pound of bacon, and a jar of mayonnaise. Yummmmmmmm…
2. Have your webcam set up so that Britt can randomly yell “SMOKE A CIGARETTE AND I’LL PUNCH YOU IN THE NUTS, FUCKER!” at you. That alone should keep your fingers in your ears and your jaw dropped to the floor. In case you don’t remember, she’s very loud. And scary. And loud. And mean. And loud. (Hi Britt, I love you!) And she lives in the same state as you so it’s not very far for her to drive to you and make good on that promise. (Britt, you look beautiful today.)
3. Turn on reruns of Canadian Parliament — in French. It’s in a language you don’t understand about issues that were already voted on (reruns!) for a country you don’t live in. Trust me, firsthand experience dictates that nothing sexy or mildly exciting ever happens during one of those sessions, so there’s absolutely 0% chance of you staying awake. … Ok, ok, after the Death Star march opening… THEN it’s boring. If you’re asleep your hands are busy falling to the floor and your mouth is busy snoring and drooling.
4. Suck on toothpicks and the diabetic-friendly sugar-free Altoids. Keeps you looking butch for the ladies (What lady isn’t turned on by wood sticking out of a guy’s mouth? [TWKS!]) while keeping your oral fixation sated. If that doesn’t work then Google assures me this link will keep your oral fixation sated. Please note I haven’t clicked on that link myself. Fingers crossed that it’s not kiddie porn. Enjoy!
…and last, but not least…
5. Make out — for real. Find a Lovely Lady, such as the gorgeous Kristen Chase, who supports your cause by sticking her tongue down your throat, and maybe letting you appropriately grope her a little. Or inappropriately grope if that’s what she’s into. LL2HK. (I would totally put a photo of Kristen macking on the face of Karl attached to the body of LL Cool J if I wasn’t on the Windows ‘74 computer. Use your imagination, that’s what it’s there for.)
UPDATE: Mikey has kindly and masterfully created this disturbing wonderfully delightful image of Karl’s head on LL’s body. Thanks, Mikey!
Best of luck to you, Karl, and to Britt, and to everyone else who jumps on the Quitterati bandwagon. If you haven’t joined yet, it’s never too late.
26 Responses to “5 ways Karl with a K can successfully keep his hands and/or mouth busy so that he doesn’t make out with sticks of urine”
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Damn… after reading this entry, I want a cigarette!
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OMG!!! You linked to snake pr0n from Karl’s blawg!!!
Adam made you do it.
I’m also a recommender of #5.
Kristen Chase… who would’ve thought???
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Nope, not kiddie porn. Man, I did not expect Poppy to link to porn. I am shocked. Adam, I expect this from.
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Heh, thanks for the Star Wars Parliament thingie. And the porn. And the Kristen. And the guest post.
I’d love to mack on Kristen if I could just get her pesky husband out of the picture. She’s very swoony.
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Awesome guest post Poppy.
My favorite is #5, who doesn’t love a real-life make out session?
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Awesome job, Poppy!
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[...] is guest posting at 2HT today. Sorry Poppy, I have no imagination. But I have mad Photoshop Skillz (or something like [...]
Sorry Poppy, I have no imagination!
And that Parlement thing? Almost as good for a quick afternoon nap then Bob Ross Joy of Painting.
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Dave2, I am a total enabler.
Dawg, Adam makes me do nothing, and admit that you LOVED THAT pr0n!!!!!! You even wanted to watch the second part! :p
Empanada, I taught Adam everything he knows. Nobody seems to believe this.
Karl, those pesky husbands… Can’t you just point behind him and say, “look! a bird!”? That worked for the kid who was blocking my way into my bedroom last weekend.
Sarah, #5 is one my most favorite pastimes.
Avi, thanks.
Mikey, thank you for making that. I needed to be freaked out and turned on at the very same time this early on a Saturday morning…
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Mike - Heh, you rock.
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I like almost all of your recommendations, but I think that I should point out that watching Canadian Parliament only works when you live on the border of Canada. France is such a place. Where I grew up, Buffalo/Niagara Falls is too… Florida? Not so much. Perhaps he can catch some Cuban tv?
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@Poppy & Karl: Thanks, I live to serve (and to disturb and freak out).
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LOL @ “Karl with a K”.
Klassik!
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Supah post Poppy!!
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Poppy is awesome!
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Poppy Pr0n! woohooo
Good luck with the quitting guys!
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hey Karl, have you or Britt thought about those nicotine gums or the patch?
And poppy? I clicked on the link because: Poppy? Link to porn? nu uh, this is going to be something cute!
Oh!!I bet it’s KITTIES!
However, it was NOT kitties. NOT AT ALL.
On the plus side, I am fully awake now.
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Bluepaintred - Yeah, I’m gonna try the patches this time out. We shall see.
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bluepaintred:
Well, technically, it could be kitties, right?
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Maman, for the comedic effect I will continue to recommend Canadian Parliament. He’ll have to watch it on YouTube.
Hilly, both klassik and klassy!
Thanks, MM!!!
Sybil is my Adoring Fan Club president.
NAT, hey, now, I didn’t make that pr0n, I just linked to it. :p
BPR, apparently somewhere along the way I lost 100% of my street cred as Dirty Poppy. That’s ok, at least the person that counts gets to experience Dirty Poppy all he wants.
NAT, I am making a high five motion at you, because: EXACTLY. I am all about the double entendres.
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I love LLKK!
Good luck to you and Britt, Karl. I know you can do it!
Awesome post, Poppy!
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Hi there - came here from aka monty.
Good luck with the quitterati - I am just into my 22nd month of giving up.
Hardest thing I have ever done….
I didn’t plan it, just gave up on the spur of the moment (time was right kinda thing).
cq
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Thanks, everyone, for the well wishes. The first few days will be a bitch. After that - *cough* - smoooooth sailing.
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I am LMAO @ LLKK
Poppy you RAWK wit the fire of a thousand suns!
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This web cam idea is BRILLIANT!
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Hello. And Bye.
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