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This is a Summer of Love guest post from Karen Sugarpants.
Once upon a time there was a really hot sexy chick named Dorothy. She lived in Kansas and liked Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. (And candy apples too, but that wasn’t on her Facebook profile or anything because she didn’t want anyone to think that was a metaphor for something else, if you know what I mean. *wink wink*)
One day Dorothy posed for a creepy photographer, thinking he would give her a wicked awesome modeling job. Because gingham is SO IN RIGHT NOW.
He thought she was purty. He kidnapped her by luring her with costume jewelry and fancy shmancy lipsticks.
Three very special people tried to come to her rescue. Yay! Every story needs a Heroic Trio!
First, The Damn Scarecrow, who was really afraid of the dark and slept with his thirty seven teddy bears tucked in beside him, every night. Oh and he was also scared of elevators and ants. If he saw an ant, he peed his straw underpants. Straw underpants are really itchy. Wet straw underpants are SCARECROW HELL.
The second hero coming to Dorothy’s rescue was The Tin Man. He spoke in a slow, Southern drawl and sometimes Dorothy called him “Tinny Joe.”
Poor Tin Man had little tin crabs (yeah, those kind. Down there.) So his pants were really itchy too. Not so much because of the crabs, but because their little tin legs got caught in his tin pubic hair and when he scratched, he had horrible shrapnel-coated testicles. It sucked being The Tin Man. But hey, TIN DICK!
The third hero was more vital than anyone. She was a Hero’s Hero. A real trooper. A motherfucking Terminator in Oz.
But…uh…well….she had a bit of a drinking problem…
The Hellohahanar Flion was a special sort. When sober, she was stronger mentally and physically than a TRUCK! When she drank though, it was as if her brain morphed into a sad little tugboat. A broken, rusty tugboat that really was better off putting her brain power into trying not to piss all her gasoline out after the seal broke. Poor Hellohahanar Flion. She really is a sweetheart.
~~~
Nevertheless, despite their teensy tiny faults, The Heroic Trio trekked on down the road to find Dorothy. But they ran into a bad bad bad bad bad bad witch. She got pissy over stupid stuff like if you set her hair on fire or tried to make her shower before noon. It was like she was on the rag all the time and just needed a good solid dose of Cheerthefuckup.
Eventually, The Heroic Trio lost the bad bad bad bad bad bad witch because The Good Witch with the Great Hair floated down like the true hummingbird that she is. Her hair doubled as flight equipment and dripped with awesomeness. (that hair literally needed no Photoshopping for this story, let me just tell you.)
An aside: My, what long fingers you have, Good Witch with the Great Hair! And that is a lovely butterfly necklace.
“Hey bitches! Whattya looking for?”
The Heroic Trio told her they had been looking for Dorothy and that they thought she was in GRAVE DANGER.
The Good Witch with the Great Hair giggled like a school girl, “You silly fuckers! She’s been partying with us on the Bitchkin Pontoon with the Coors Lite Girls! We had to hire Rick Moranis to shrink her because you know, Bitchkins are only 2 inches tall. So write Rick a cheque for $87.50 will ya!
“Oh here are my little bitchkins now!”
“Word.”
“Word.”
“Word.”
The Damn Scarecrow’s jaw dropped. How could dudes SO tiny not fall over, what with the fact they had 36lb testicles? And WHERE could he get pants like that?
The Heroic Trio was not at all disappointed in the fact that they wouldn’t have to go on a huge stupid mission to save Dorothy and her dumbass lipstick collection anyway, especially since Hellohahanar Flion was half in the bag and The Tin Man had scratched his poor twig and berries until they bled hot solder. That Damn Scarecrow was trying so hard to hold on to all thirty seven of his teddy bears and kept dropping them so travel would have been a total drag.
But just for shits and giggles, they went back and dropped a house on the bad bad bad bad bad bad witch of the Great White North for writing such a shitty story.
The end.
Nothing related. Huh, go figure. Filed under Guest Post, Humor |46 Responses to “Things You Did Not Know About The Land of Oz”
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Not Tin, it’s STEEL… DICK OF STEEL!!
Now whose can was he oiling?
[...] this? Is an AMAZING STORY OF EPIC [...]
lol great one karl~~~
What the hell…?
Oh, that was great!
This qualifies for some kind of award. Just what kind, I’m not exactly sure.
hehe - great story Karl..LOVE all the photos! Thanks for the laugh
For the record this was a guest post by Karen Sugarpants http://karensugarpants.com/
I had nothing to do with it, but sure wish I had.
Thanks, Karen!
ROTFLMAO
OMG - awesomeness. Absolute awesomeness!
OH MAH GOD, SUGARPANTIES GIVES SUCH GOOD BLOG!
You are so awesome, Karen…this post rocks in so many ways :).
Oh Goodness…
I can’t stop laughing! That was the FUNNIEST thing I’ve read all week. You. Are. Awesome!
That was pretty much the funniest thing I’ve read this week! I heart it very much.
Hahaha!! Bloody brilliant!
You continue to impress me with your multi-leveled talent.
That and the fact that you are frakking hysterical!
OMG! I killed KAREN!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Avitable as a Bitchkin? I like it!
i am gasping for breath…damn laughter is gonna kill me. SO well done, karen. i can’t possibly gush enough how magnificent this post is.
although seriously, i could have totally given ya a better photo of me. sheesh!
hehe
i gotta go read this again. too funny.
Ooh, tiny Avitable threesome!
you made yourself the wicked witch coz this was so damn wicked funny, right?
That picture of Avitable is great. He’s like a natural Bitchkin or something.
That is frickin hilarious!
hilarious.
I know who to call now for all my photoshop jobs. But Miss Britt as the “good witch?” Who are you fooling? She does have a amazing hair, though.
LMAO!!
Karl, I think you need to let Karen sit in over here more often.
That was friggin’ awesome!!! Great job, Karen. You make the great white north proud.
Hahaha! Very creative. That Dorothy is purty. : )
Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
I could totally be the GOOD WITCH!!!
Watch your ass Neil.
Watch your ass…
While the lollipop guild munchins do look great with Avitable’s giant head, I think the lullaby league ballerinas would have looked even better.
Because he’s so dainty, ya see.
The Bitchkins are freakin’ me out, dude! And why does the Good Witch look like she’s sucking on a sourball?
Oh my God! That was hysterical. I think my favorites are the Avitable munchkins. Awesome!
Kris - I’m gonna go with ‘who is The Tin Mistress?’
Charlene - Yes Karl worked really hard on this post. Oh wait, no he didn’t.
Neil - left YOU speechless? Oh man.
Suebob - I’m going to submit this to the Very Fucked Up Guest Post on Blog Awards and cross my fingers.
Glenda - glad you enjoyed!
Karl - you had something to do with it. You hand picked me from 1000’s of people who wanted to post on your blog. That was mistake # 1.
Amy D - hee!
Dorothy aka Hilly - we can haz lesbian sexy time now yes?
Amber and Sarah - stop copying each other. and thank you.
Penelope - awww shucks.
Mattie - awww shucks again.
Miss Britt - yeah you did. Nice going! My dead body is typing this right now.
Kapgar - they were my favorite part.
Becky - that one worked great cuz of the Flion’s drinking problem and all. You should maybe get that colour of yours checked though - are you jaundiced?
Avi - I knew it! You totally wished you could sleep with yourself a la Verne Troyer.
Becky - no, I’m Canadian, so I thought that I would offend if I made someone else the bad witch. We think like that up here which is why our army is 3 canoes and a beaver cannon.
Student Teacher - yes! His voice changed without any sort of hesitation, too.
Kate - thanks!
(Jesus Christ why did I offer to be Karl…answering all these comments is a real pain in the fucking ass. And why are my nuts so sweaty?)
Jennifer - thanks!
Neil - she was the obvious choice because I didn’t have to change her hair at all. It was EXACTLY the same.
Lisa - I dunno. He doesn’t have any Low fat vanilla soy milk and the temptation of sitting here playing Wii games with Karl instead of running is irresistible. A girl could get lost in this mountain of laundry, too. Yeesh.
Dragon - they are going to figure out how fucked up we are if I write another post like this though, eh? *fist to the chest, bro.*
John - yes she is. *winks at Hilly Sue and flashes her a boobie.*
Miss Britt - no…no you couldn’t. Debate Witch maybe. Smoking Witch? Blurry Photo Witch? *Ducks and runs*
B.E. Earl - point well taken. Aviella’s are real fucking cunts to work with though.
Finn - ask her.
BBM - yeah I love them too, but again…now all I see is Verne Troyer since Avi said threesome. Ha ha!
karl~~got several hnt shots up
~~~~~~~~~~PLAWYK~~~~~~~~~~~
Hilarious post!
In awe of your awesomeness.
Tres funny.
It’s not easy being me, that’s for sure. Thanks for a freaking awesome post again, Karen.
Bwwaaahaahaahaa! Karen, you’re awesome… !
Brilliant - but the short pants avitables are going to give me nightmares for real.
You were on the weed when you wrote this.
Oh, right, Karen wrote it.
She gets a free pass.
Karl was on wee when your wrote this, Karen.
*weed
Oh my. This post was AWESOME!
Loved it.
hahahahahahaha
This.
was.
AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!
Totally awesome….OMG I’m dying, of laughter, of laughter!
[...] to my RSS feed. That’s what all the cool kids do. Thanks for visiting!Thanks to Karen for a great post yesterday. The Summer of Love continues tomorrow with my friend, Kevin. I’ve known Kevin for over 14 [...]
Wait, now. The rest of us have to top THIS?!?! NOT. FAIR.
*re-thinking original guest-post idea*
OMG.. I laughed so hard on this one. Very awesome post.