Things You Did Not Know About The Land of Oz

This is a Summer of Love guest post from Karen Sugarpants.

Once upon a time there was a really hot sexy chick named Dorothy.  She lived in Kansas and liked Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain.   (And candy apples too, but that wasn’t on her Facebook profile or anything because she didn’t want anyone to think that was a metaphor for something else, if you know what I mean.  *wink wink*)

One day Dorothy posed for a creepy photographer, thinking he would give her a wicked awesome modeling job.  Because gingham is SO IN RIGHT NOW.

He thought she was purty.  He kidnapped her by luring her with costume jewelry and fancy shmancy lipsticks.

Three very special people tried to come to her rescue.  Yay!  Every story needs a Heroic Trio!

First, The Damn Scarecrow, who was really afraid of the dark and slept with his thirty seven teddy bears tucked in beside him, every night.  Oh and he was also scared of elevators and ants.  If he saw an ant, he peed his straw underpants.  Straw underpants are really itchy.  Wet straw underpants are SCARECROW HELL.

The second hero coming to Dorothy’s rescue was The Tin Man.  He spoke in a slow, Southern drawl and sometimes Dorothy called him “Tinny Joe.”

Poor Tin Man had little tin crabs (yeah, those kind.  Down there.)  So his pants were really itchy too.  Not so much because of the crabs, but because their little tin legs got caught in his tin pubic hair and when he scratched, he had horrible shrapnel-coated testicles.  It sucked being The Tin Man.  But hey, TIN DICK!

The third hero was more vital than anyone. She was a Hero’s Hero.  A real trooper.  A motherfucking Terminator in Oz.

But…uh…well….she had a bit of a drinking problem…

The Hellohahanar Flion was a special sort.  When sober, she was stronger mentally and physically than a TRUCK!   When she drank though, it was as if her brain morphed into a sad little tugboat.  A broken, rusty tugboat that really was better off putting her brain power into trying not to piss all her gasoline out after the seal broke.  Poor Hellohahanar Flion.  She really is a sweetheart.

~~~

Nevertheless, despite their teensy tiny faults, The Heroic Trio trekked on down the road to find Dorothy.  But they ran into a bad bad bad bad bad bad witch.  She got pissy over stupid stuff like if you set her hair on fire or tried to make her shower before noon.  It was like she was on the rag all the time and just needed a good solid dose of Cheerthefuckup.

Eventually, The Heroic Trio lost the bad bad bad bad bad bad witch because The Good Witch with the Great Hair floated down like the true hummingbird that she is.  Her hair doubled as flight equipment and dripped with awesomeness. (that hair literally needed no Photoshopping for this story, let me just tell you.)

An aside: My, what long fingers you have, Good Witch with the Great Hair! And that is a lovely butterfly necklace.

“Hey bitches!  Whattya looking for?”

The Heroic Trio told her they had been looking for Dorothy and that they thought she was in GRAVE DANGER.

The Good Witch with the Great Hair giggled like a school girl, “You silly fuckers!  She’s been partying with us on the Bitchkin Pontoon with the Coors Lite Girls!  We had to hire Rick Moranis to shrink her because you know, Bitchkins are only 2 inches tall.  So write Rick a cheque for $87.50 will ya!

“Oh here are my little bitchkins now!”

“Word.”

“Word.”

“Word.”

The Damn Scarecrow’s jaw dropped.  How could dudes SO tiny not fall over, what with the fact they had 36lb testicles?  And WHERE could he get pants like that?

The Heroic Trio was not at all disappointed in the fact that they wouldn’t have to go on a huge stupid mission to save Dorothy and her dumbass lipstick collection anyway, especially since Hellohahanar Flion was half in the bag and The Tin Man had scratched his poor twig and berries until they bled hot solder.  That Damn Scarecrow was trying so hard to hold on to all thirty seven of his teddy bears and kept dropping them so travel would have been a total drag.

But just for shits and giggles, they went back and dropped a house on the bad bad bad bad bad bad witch of the Great White North for writing such a shitty story.

The end.