First off, there was a big earthquake yesterday morning around 11:42am here in southern California. Everyone and everything are just fine. It was a pretty strong one, though, and I found it interesting that it occurred within minutes of my friend, Deana, and I getting together for the first time in many years.
So, right, there’s that.
I had a whole other post planned. It might have been amusing to me, possibly to you, I can’t really recall all the particulars now. That’ll be for another day, regardless.
You know how we all have some friends that are assholes? Now, there are different *types* of assholes, to be sure. Some are flat-out assholes to everyone around them, saying whatever the fuck they want, let no feelings go spared. Some are whiners and high-mai, what I like to call energy suckers. They can drain you at unbelievable speeds with their me, me, me mindset. You have your obnoxious assholes, the assholes that are incredibly narcissistic and really, truly believe the world revolves around them…etc. Then there are the moocher assholes, cheap fucks that expect anyone and everyone around them to cop to shit that isn’t theirs to cop.
Well, folks, if you’re in a group of five or six people and wondering who the asshole is, *I* am that asshole. I’m not saying this to garner pity or “no, you’re not!” replies or be passive-agressive. This is pure self-flagellation. I’m working this shit out in my head and doing what I do best – putting it on paper, so to speak.
Me, a guy who prides himself on being observant, had a group of friends angry at me over the last week and a half and I never had a fucking clue. Now, some of these friends are very new to me, so it may be understandable that I didn’t pick up on their body language (OR their verbal language, for that matter). But honestly, I was oblivious to the whole thing. That’s one of many things I need to correct.
Some of this comes down to a money issue, where I took people for granted. Some of it comes down to attitude, which is a very difficult thing for me to gauge because I’m, well, in my head. What matters, however, is that I hurt/angered/annoyed a group of people who I have come to love very much, a group that I enjoy spending time with immensely.
And for the record, it was never my intention to hurt anyone or take advantage of them in any way, shape, or form. My behavior was abhorrent and reprehensible. People covered my ass financially again and again. I fully intend (as I have always) to pay everyone back and I certainly never meant to cause anyone any hardship. That will be the easiest thing to remedy.
The other part – my attitude – is going to be a much rougher venture. I’m always open-minded to change, that’s not the issue. It’s just the whole “taking inventory” thing (once again) and looking upon my actions, verbal or otherwise, analyzing what I’m saying and doing. Bottom line? Am I treating everyone the way I want to be treated?
This much I can answer now: no. No, I’m not. And I really don’t like that about myself.
It hurts to hear the hard stuff, but this is what friends DO for each other, call each other out and hold each other accountable. Thank God I have the types of friends that will do that with me. As much as I may know myself, it’s always different to hear someone ELSE’S perspective on Karl, and I’m glad and thankful (believe it or not) that some people came up to me and said (and I paraphrase greatly), “Dude, you’re being a total dick.”
I HAVE been a dick lately. I didn’t realize it, but now I do. I apologize greatly to my friends, those I’ve known for weeks and those I’ve known for years. You know who you are. You mean the world to me, for reals, and I consider myself fortunate to have you in my life. I am going to work hard to be the kind of friend you don’t feel embarrassed to be around, or feel the need to make excuses for.
Knowing that I hurt some folks in the last week and a half, you have no idea, rips me to shreds. I could sulk some more (and I still may) but it comes down to the fact that I remain an amateur person and am constantly looking to improve my skills. And I have great motivation to do so.
As I’ve stated many times before, I own my shit. Sure, sometimes you may have to *call* me on it, but I own it and I attempt to make amends. According to my driver’s license, I am legally an adult, and this is what we adults are supposed to do, right?
I DO wish that someone had come up to me much sooner about this. I think I’m rather approachable, but shit, maybe I’m wrong on that, too. In the future, though, for anyone reading this, if you have a problem with me, please don’t sit on it and let it fester. That’s never good for anyone. I can’t change my behavior unless I know it’s wrong, and clearly I’m not the best judge of when THAT is.
I hope that I haven’t irreparably harmed some relationships. That would kill me in a million ways.
I’m in the dark here…but I commend you for “outing” yourself…it will be healing for you and those involved.
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At least you can admit to being an asshole and try to fix it.
I just called a really good (or so I thought) friend out on all the lies she’s been feeding me and it just got really vicious and in short we apparently aren’t friends anymore.
I love that you admit that sometimes you need people to call you out on your actions.
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It is good to see you being honest and coming clean. I’m sure you’re friends can forgive you. Otherwise, what will they read in the morning.
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You’re an arrogant douchebag!
Just kidding! I have no idea what you’re talking about, you seem like a great guy to me. =] But kudos to you for uhh, owning your shit. ^__^
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Realizing you’re an asshole is the first step to recovery.
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I think you’re being too hard on yourself and I know that since I wasn’t there I shouldn’t have an opinion.
But, to call yourself an asshole? Over the line … excessive flagellation, and perhaps just a bit harsh.
Inconsiderate is a better word. More human, more effective. Because to *me* being an asshole is a DNA trait. Once an asshole always an asshole. An asshole can change, but usually they end up being an asshole with an agenda or insincere motives. This means they still do the same shit but with a nicer attitude so you don’t know it’s happening.
Being inconsiderate, lacking insight into your fellow man’s needs, failing to be aware of the impact you have on others’ lives, those are things that can be changed. And more importantly, changed without insincerity.
Fortunately, you have friends who love you enough to call you on your shit. And that’s a good thing.
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I ALSO think you are being too hard on yourself! Even non-assholes make mistakes, so just because you screwed up doesn’t automatically put you in the asshole category.
Also, I think the best and truest friendships are those where you can suck it up, call each other out on the carpet, and say the icky stuff… and still be okay. Because if your friends aren’t going to tell you you’re bein’ an asshole, who is?
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You know you have good friends if they’re willing to tell you when you’re being an asshole.
So, cheers to you and hope things are repaired with your buddies!
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I agree that you are being to hard on yourself. Assholes are the ones who, when called on it, ignore the comment, laugh about it, and do the same thing the next time. You clearly don’t fit into that category.
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I’ve never thought you were an asshole. A perverted twisted fucker, maybe.
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There’s owning it – and there’s wallowing in it.
Watch for that fine line babe.
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It’s both ironic and annoying as hell that no matter how careful we try to be about it, NONE OF US can perpetually prevent ourselves from saying/ doing things that leaves us mortified. Again and again. It was just your turn Karl.
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Yay for you! It’s not easy to admit when you’ve been an asshole (not that I know you or am calling you an asshole).
I had a very dear friend who was often an asshole. Most of the time he didn’t mean to be, he was just clueless. Sometimes he liked to be a passive-aggressive asshole. Probably because he knew I’d let him get away with it. Sometimes I did call him on it (I swear it was in the nicest way possible), but that usually didn’t turn out well (usually with him pouting and crying, and with me crying). Eventually I just put up with it because it was easier that way. I’m just a big wuss when it comes to confronting someone.
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Any part of your ass that I covered, I did willingly. When I have $, I spend it freely on my friends, esp the ones who might not have it at that moment. I always figure it comes back to me, either in a lunch that they buy some time, or just in the warmth of the love they show me by putting up with my dorky ass self. Between friends, I do not count dollars, ever. It’s deeds and feelings that are more important.
I know it’s hard to face the things that have caused people to be angry at you. I think it’s a measure of your depth as a person and friend that you are willing to. *BIG HUGS*
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i agree with noraisins. it’s very rare to see someone take their own inventory and admit wrongdoing and even better, declare they’re going to change things. so, you may be an asshole (though personally i can’t see this), but at least you’re a self REFLECTIVE asshole who wants to be a better human!
there’s something to be said for that, Karl.
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Well, since I don’t know you very well I don’t think you’ve pissed me off but once you do I’ll be sure to let you know.
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You shouldn’t go somewhere unless you can carry your own water.
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By the way, you took great umbrage last month when I called you a “parasitic fuck.” In fact, you still harbor a lot of resentment about it. But isn’t this whole post just more proof that I was correct?
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I just checked the dictionary… and no, your picture is not there… BUT… George W. Bush’s still is, so maybe it’s by affiliation?
I bet you just got a bad batch of da wack tobaccy.
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I enjoy being in the dark for once.
Karl, whether you mean to be an asshole or not you are kind-hearted at your core and I like that about you.
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Instead of working on yourself, you could always do what I do: Stop interacting with people other your cat and any spouse of significant other. Or friends inside the computer. Yeah, that works juuuust great.
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You look very handsome in your big boy pants.
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Stephanie – I hope so.
Sarah – Sorry to hear about that. I can take the hard talk and not give up friendships because of it, but that’s not true of everyone.
Freelance Guru – Ha, well, that’s true. Because we all know I’m a *must read* – cough.
Motley – Most of the time I *am* a nice guy. But sometimes we can all be assholes.
Delmer – prexactly!
Mattie – Thanks. I don’t agree with the “once an asshole, always an asshole” though. Everyone is capable of being an asshole from time to time.
Jessica – very true.
ML – Thanks. Yeah, it’s good to have good friends.
Noraisins – Well, there is that.
Avitable – What, I can’t be both?
Britt – I’m not wallowing in it any more. Yesterday was another matter.
John – I suppose that’s true.
Penny – I’m typically a wuss when it comes to confrontation, too.
Winter – Thanks very much. Yeah, I believe in the “what you put out there comes back to you” philosophy, too. When I have money, I’m happy to donate or treat.
Crys – Oh, I’m very reflective. Thanks to a shitton of therapy.
Robin – Good to know.
Soapy Nethers – Brad, of *course* I took great umbrage at being called a parasitic fuck. Because I wasn’t being one at that time. Your notion that I was somehow benefiting from your situation was ridiculous. Nevertheless, you’re right about not traveling when you can’t afford it.
NYCWD – Perhaps.
Poppy – thanks.
Ali – Well, that’s what I do most of the time, truth be told. I could be a professional hermit.
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You’ve always been kind to me, asshole.
Knowing your friends, I’m sure it will work out. Accountability is a great thing, isn’t it?
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In a related story, my dad once “apologized” to me by telling me he felt so badly that it gave him dirrhea. I’m new to your blog and can sense already that you might appreciate that.
-Anna
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Well… I will come out as someone who is involved in this situation although I won’t talk about it here because for me, when I have disagreements with my friends, it is a very private matter.
That being said, I take great offense to the notion that someone who has NO CLUE about what is going on thinks they can come here and act like a total douchebagger. Yay for being “Mr. Pouring Salt In The Wound!”. Yes, that is snarkasm.
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Two things: 1) I appreciate that you are taking the time to self-inventory and are at the very least able to admit that there are things that need to happen to repair your relationships.
2) Congratulations, Brad. The Academy voted and you have once again captured the #1 Asshole on the Internet award. I thought for sure I would get it for last week’s performance starring Clusterfook. But it turns out that you’re actually getting the lifetime achievement accolades for hanging around where you’re not wanted, trying desperately to defend actions that are indefensible, and interjecting your stink into a situation that already smells bad. Well done.
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Wow…I’m clueless on what happened, and it’s none of my business for sure; however, I do want to say that this is one of the most heartfelt posts of apology I have ever read.
I commend you on your honesty and willingness to admit your wrongs and make them right.
*Cheers & applause!*
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If only everyone could admit when they were being an asshole, we wouldn’t have to hear about people who air their sordid romantic affairs publicly but can’t admit to being an asshole when their friends try to call them on it and then go around pointing their shitstinky finger at others when they do the RIGHT thing.
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Karen – Accountability is a great thing.
Sportsfan’s Daughter – In a really eery way, that’s sweet.
Hilly – Well, I think this is just the sort of moment that some people have been waiting for.
Jester – Thanks. And thanks.
Ginger – Yeah, sometimes we just need to stand up and say, “I fucked up” in order to move on.
Othurme – Prexactly.
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I always strive to be the best asshole possible. No sense in doing it by halves.
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Hey — you skipped me! And I complimented you and everything. Asshole.
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Iron Fist – Good point.
Finn – Oops, you slipped in there as I was answering the other comments. Well, you already know I’m an asshole. It’s not like I didn’t announce it.
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Personally, I’ve always prided myself on being an asshole. I thought we were kindred spirits.
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With regards to comments by Jester and Otherme, hard to believe you boys are trying to stake out a claim on the high road.
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It takes a lot of courage and self awareness to post this. I’m very proud of you for doing this (not that my opinion means much, but ya know..)
It is always difficult to look in the mirror of self awareness and then do something about it.
Now that you’ve made yourself accountable, not just to yourself, but to all of us, be sure to stick to your word
Very well written post.
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Brad – I’m sure this was just the moment you were waiting for – me fucking up – but it’s a little odd that you’re throwing stones from inside that glass castle of yours.
Sodapop – I shall do that, thanks.
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Funny how things are all a matter of perspective… I guess everything looks like a high road when you’re dredging in the sewers, Brad.
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Soapy Nethers – From where you’ve hammered down your tent, they’re all high roads. We get the pick of the lot.
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I’m so not pointing fingers here (so, please, no one take offense – this is in general)
Can there not be ONE week without someone starting drama and bullshit? Christ Almighty people.
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Jester – Jinx. You owe me a coke.
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Sodapop – Finger pointing is ok, just as long as they aren’t shitstinky.
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othurme, ROFLMAO Thanks for the clarification.
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Whit – we ARE kindred spirits!
Sodapop – Please, yes, no shitstinky fingers.
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Hmm, don’t know what happened of course, but it’s nice to see someone owning up to their behaviour rather than just getting defensive about it.
And having read all the comments – uh Soapy I don’t know you, but you’re kind of being a jerk.
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Princess – There’s rarely a need to get defensive, and I certainly have no reason to be. The shit I was called on was pretty accurate.
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Karl, I think that we all have moments when we don’t realize that we might be acting in a certain way. I can’t imagine that you would intentionally act like an asshole or intentionally take someone for granted. I think calling yourself an asshole is incredibly harsh and degrading.
Saying that you made mistake or misunderstood a situation is understandable. You are human. If a friend, new or old, can’t understand that then there needs to be more communication.
Of course, this is all generalization on my part because I don’t know the details but based on my own experience I can tell you it’s how it works in my own life.
You strike me as a pretty sensitive and perceptive guy so I can’t imagine that any of this was done will intentionally. Be kind to yourself.
And Jester…Can we stop talking about the Jester/Clusterfook thing? We kissed and made up, remember?
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Geez, I didn’t mean to write a novella…
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Lisa – No, it wasn’t intentional, that’s true. Like I said, I was just working this shit out on paper. Thanks.
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oh man, i am all about folks telling me as soon as i start behaving in a manner that they don’t find attractive. if they don’t tell me, i am doomed to repeat the behavior. granted, i might choose to still behave in the way that they don’t like, but at least at that point it is my choice instead of an unknown quirk or not recognized inconsiderate action. good for you for also seeing that folks want you to be the best you that you can be.
love yew man.
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