I, Asshole

First off, there was a big earthquake yesterday morning around 11:42am here in southern California. Everyone and everything are just fine. It was a pretty strong one, though, and I found it interesting that it occurred within minutes of my friend, Deana, and I getting together for the first time in many years.

So, right, there’s that.

I had a whole other post planned. It might have been amusing to me, possibly to you, I can’t really recall all the particulars now. That’ll be for another day, regardless.

You know how we all have some friends that are assholes? Now, there are different *types* of assholes, to be sure. Some are flat-out assholes to everyone around them, saying whatever the fuck they want, let no feelings go spared. Some are whiners and high-mai, what I like to call energy suckers. They can drain you at unbelievable speeds with their me, me, me mindset. You have your obnoxious assholes, the assholes that are incredibly narcissistic and really, truly believe the world revolves around them…etc. Then there are the moocher assholes, cheap fucks that expect anyone and everyone around them to cop to shit that isn’t theirs to cop.

Well, folks, if you’re in a group of five or six people and wondering who the asshole is, *I* am that asshole. I’m not saying this to garner pity or “no, you’re not!” replies or be passive-agressive. This is pure self-flagellation. I’m working this shit out in my head and doing what I do best – putting it on paper, so to speak.

Me, a guy who prides himself on being observant, had a group of friends angry at me over the last week and a half and I never had a fucking clue. Now, some of these friends are very new to me, so it may be understandable that I didn’t pick up on their body language (OR their verbal language, for that matter). But honestly, I was oblivious to the whole thing. That’s one of many things I need to correct.

Some of this comes down to a money issue, where I took people for granted. Some of it comes down to attitude, which is a very difficult thing for me to gauge because I’m, well, in my head. What matters, however, is that I hurt/angered/annoyed a group of people who I have come to love very much, a group that I enjoy spending time with immensely.

And for the record, it was never my intention to hurt anyone or take advantage of them in any way, shape, or form. My behavior was abhorrent and reprehensible. People covered my ass financially again and again. I fully intend (as I have always) to pay everyone back and I certainly never meant to cause anyone any hardship. That will be the easiest thing to remedy.

The other part – my attitude – is going to be a much rougher venture. I’m always open-minded to change, that’s not the issue. It’s just the whole “taking inventory” thing (once again) and looking upon my actions, verbal or otherwise, analyzing what I’m saying and doing. Bottom line? Am I treating everyone the way I want to be treated?

This much I can answer now: no. No, I’m not. And I really don’t like that about myself.

It hurts to hear the hard stuff, but this is what friends DO for each other, call each other out and hold each other accountable. Thank God I have the types of friends that will do that with me. As much as I may know myself, it’s always different to hear someone ELSE’S perspective on Karl, and I’m glad and thankful (believe it or not) that some people came up to me and said (and I paraphrase greatly), “Dude, you’re being a total dick.”

I HAVE been a dick lately. I didn’t realize it, but now I do. I apologize greatly to my friends, those I’ve known for weeks and those I’ve known for years. You know who you are. You mean the world to me, for reals, and I consider myself fortunate to have you in my life. I am going to work hard to be the kind of friend you don’t feel embarrassed to be around, or feel the need to make excuses for.

Knowing that I hurt some folks in the last week and a half, you have no idea, rips me to shreds. I could sulk some more (and I still may) but it comes down to the fact that I remain an amateur person and am constantly looking to improve my skills. And I have great motivation to do so.

As I’ve stated many times before, I own my shit. Sure, sometimes you may have to *call* me on it, but I own it and I attempt to make amends. According to my driver’s license, I am legally an adult, and this is what we adults are supposed to do, right?

I DO wish that someone had come up to me much sooner about this. I think I’m rather approachable, but shit, maybe I’m wrong on that, too. In the future, though, for anyone reading this, if you have a problem with me, please don’t sit on it and let it fester. That’s never good for anyone. I can’t change my behavior unless I know it’s wrong, and clearly I’m not the best judge of when THAT is.

I hope that I haven’t irreparably harmed some relationships. That would kill me in a million ways.